the story of a secondary

Watching Bee was exactly as awesome as I imagined it would be. :) There's not much to say there, really, I just thought y'all might like to know. He's so chubby! At one point he fell asleep with his little hand clutching my finger. I tried to move the finger away after a minute, but if I moved he woke up so I just hung out with him (which wasn't exactly a hardship, since we were chilling on G&E's bed). He's definitely more aware of the world around him now than he was last month, and sometimes making faces or sounds at him can get him to burst into a big smile, which is just the *best*.

Gia and Eric are coming to see me in a play this weekend, an hour and a half away from where we live! Knowing how difficult it is for them to do much of anything right now aside from hold their lives together, this is a real gift to me. Once the play is over I'll have much more free time, and I'm hoping to get back to a more regular schedule of seeing Gia then.
 
Things have been a little rocky between me and Davis. *bigsigh*

He came with me to Eric's birthday party over the weekend without hesitation, which was great considering how hard the very idea of spending time with my other lovers was for him a few months ago. On top of that, he's not a very social person and he didn't know most of the people there, so it really wasn't the best scene for him. Looking back a couple of days later, I realized that I didn't do much to try to support him in that situation, and I feel pretty shitty about it. I should have put more of my focus on him, checked in with him, worked to try to help him get to know the other people there. Instead I just sat next to him, engaged other people in conversation and assumed he was fine. I don't know how I could have been so tone-deaf to his needs.

And, worse, I've actually blown up at him a couple of times in the last few weeks. He goes through cycles of depression and he's been in a downswing recently and there are times when it just grates on me to the point that I snap. I hate to see him be so self-defeating at times and it makes me lose respect for him... which I *hate* because I've had lots of people with depression in my life and I know you can't always control it and that what the person needs is understanding!!

I've apologized profusely to him for all this stuff of course, we've talked about it in detail and it's all cool between us, it's just... I don't think of myself as the sort of person who does stuff like that (leaves her partner hanging when he needs her, yells at her partner instead of giving support). So it leaves me in the awkward position of asking myself WHY am I behaving this way??? I'm not trying to say I've been some kind of monster, lots of the time I behave in loving, supportive ways with him, but lately just not as consistently as I'd expect of myself...

Sometimes I think that maybe this relationship just isn't right for me, and that's why I'm acting like a jerk. Other times I think I made an excellent choice in this man, and that I just need to work on being a better person and a better partner.

Davis brings out strong stuff in me, it's just not all stuff I like... and I worry sometimes that the lows outnumber the highs... I ask myself whether my life with him long-term will truly be enhanced or not, and I just don't know. I feel like in theory it's *ok* not to know, but this ambivalence wears on me.
 
I ask myself whether my life with him long-term will truly be enhanced or not, and I just don't know. I feel like in theory it's *ok* not to know, but this ambivalence wears on me.

I think I'd ask myself whether this is the person I would choose to continue with even if my other relationships were blown to the wind.
 
I think I'd ask myself whether this is the person I would choose to continue with even if my other relationships were blown to the wind.

Oh, I'm asking myself, no doubt. :/ And I think I'm doing a good job of steering clear of the mistake of thinking about my relationship with Davis solely in the context of my relationship with Gia or vice versa. My relationship with Davis is my relationship with Davis and it thrives or doesn't on its own merits.

Am I happier or not since Davis and I have been officially dating? Do I, in fact, feel closer to him or not since we've officially been dating? Do I feel like I'm enhanced by us dating? I can't say an unequivocal yes to any of those questions. It seems *so* strange that changing what we call ourselves (friends vs bf/gf) should change much of anything when what we do together is the same. It seems so strange that I should have felt more fully authentic saying I love you before and, at times, less so now.

I wish it weren't this way. I don't want to lose him in my life. I love the support he gives me, how safe he makes me feel, how well we communicate, his eyes, his warmth. But if this isn't working for me, we should break up, right? That thought doesn't fill me with the sadness and dread it did the first time we broke up, which in itself tells me something. If we do break up, we should give each other space for real this time, right? Can I do that? Can I refuse to see him, push him away, if this man who is dear to me asks simply to keep my friendship?

I just don't know. I want to believe that things just feel messed up right now because he's depressed, that we can make this work, but I just don't know.

Ok, and now the sadness finally comes, welling up behind my eyes as I sit here on this train. I can see the pain and incomprehension on his face if I tell him I'm leaving again, after so short a second try, and I can't bear it.

Crying now. Shit.

I will *not* stay with him just out of fear for him, I know from past experience that I'm strong enough to leave, but it *does* scare me, the idea of leaving a depressed man. What if he hurt himself? Could I survive that?

Agh.
 
I don't want to lose him in my life. I love the support he gives me, how safe he makes me feel, how well we communicate, his eyes, his warmth. But if this isn't working for me, we should break up, right? [...] I just don't know. I want to believe that things just feel messed up right now because he's depressed, that we can make this work, but I just don't know. [...] I will *not* stay with him just out of fear for him, I know from past experience that I'm strong enough to leave, but it *does* scare me, the idea of leaving a depressed man. What if he hurt himself? Could I survive that?

Agh.
Ah, Annabel! Have a huge hug

a) You're not resonsible for him. If this relationship is doing you harm, then the best thing is to end it.

b) BUT (and I want you to remember that I was strongly advising you against giving up your other loves [especially Harry] to appease Davis' discomfort with sharing you) maybe you're bailing out too soon? Have you really given it a chance? This isn't a poly problem. New lovers need time to adjust to each other (at least after the initial sex-mad frenetic early days are over). I know that Davis isn't new to you. but the situation is.

c) [Of course, MY choice would be that Davis could come to terms with poly (as in NO limits to Love), would actually be happier with that, and that Harry and you could reconnect. (I remember you writing that you were happy to give up the others, as you were feeling a bit overbooked anyway, but Harry was a special case, no?)]

Bloody helpful geezer I am, eh? yesnoyes. ping pong (The ball's in your court.)
 
Thanks, Mr. FFR. Feedback always helps even when it's not in the form of simple advice. Sometimes when you're thinking about something all the time you feel like you're at a mental dead end, and hearing outside perspectives, or even suggestions you don't agree with, can help open new pathways.

I'm not bailing yet, not even talking yet to anyone irl about my concerns (not quite ready for that), just thinking about things. This blog is a wonderful safe space for me in that regard.

And yeah, Harry was special to me. I'm really glad we're still friends. He has a new gf and it looks like things are going beautifully between them. I feel all compersion-y about it, in part b/c I know he's firmly against going mono again, so it doesn't mean he and I couldn't hook back up. That said, I find I'm not missing the more-than-friends thing with him right now... too much else to think about.
 
My roommates are wonderful people. Crazy, eccentric, geeky, helpful, supportive, smart, compassionate, wonderful people. :)

There's Eddie, a male-to-female transexual, and Liam, his husband. I met the two of them in college, introduced them actually. They've been together 6 years now, I was a bridesmaid at their wedding, and we've shared a household for more than 4 years. There's also Adam, one of Liam's co-workers, who's a liiiiitle *too* nerdy for me at times but who's a sweet guy.

I talked to Eddie and Liam tonight about my worries about Davis, and my confusion about my occasional negative outbursts. Their marriage hasn't always been perfectly smooth but it's stronger now than it's ever been, so I thought they might have some perspective. They listened to everything and in the end told me, in so many words, that, essentially, I should relax. They made a lot of sense and I found I felt more sanguine about things.

Eddie also suggested that Davis and I try adding some power exchange to our relationship (we've played around with top/bottom stuff and bondage, but no real D/s so far, certainly not outside the bedroom), just to see how it affects our dynamic. Eddie and Liam were always kinky but had never codified anything for the first several years of their relationship, and they found that when they wrote up a contract and Liam collared Eddie they were both a lot calmer and happier.

Afterwards I called Davis. He surfaced out of the worst of his depression in the last week, and it's been a great relief to see him genuinely happy again.

We chatted idly for a bit, and then I told him about the conversation with my roommates. I didn't mention the "I've been wondering if I should consider leaving you" bit, but I told him pretty much everything else. He seemed glad to hear that I was working on figuring out the things that have been rocky between us, and also agreed that shaking up our dynamics, sexually and relationally, could be fun and potentially fruitful.

At the end of the phone conversation, he said I love you and I said it back and felt it more wholeheartedly than I have in the last little while. Not giving up yet, definitely not.

An aside, for those who might be interested... I've referred to myself as submissive here before, mainly because that aspect of my sexuality/personality has been on my mind a lot since Gia brings it out in me so strongly and because the one other kinky thing I've had recently, with Harry, was geared exclusively to him being the dom. But I've seen myself as a switch in the past, and I could see going either way with Davis. No matter what, it should be interesting!
 
Other notes...

Gia and I are gonna spend a couple of hours together on Friday, just her, me and Bee. *So* looking forward to it.

Eric sent me a quick email today just saying hi and checking in. It was kinda cool, he's usually not big on casual communication.

G&E&B are going out to a festival on Saturday, and it happens my roommates are going too, so how could I not? :) I invited Davis and promised him I'd pay more attention to him this time, he said yes without evincing any qualms.

Life rolls along...
 
Life rolls along, but poly is more of a roller coaster, isn't it? Sounds like you are riding it well. Happiness to you! :)
 
But I've seen myself as a switch in the past, and I could see going either way with Davis. No matter what, it should be interesting!

When you said earlier that you feel a lot more laid-back, egalitarian with Davis, do you think there's potential for a power exchange there? Bedroom only or more of a lifestyle thingie? I'm just wondering if it would feel forced, if vanilla would come more naturally.

Gia and I are gonna spend a couple of hours together on Friday, just her, me and Bee.

Vanilla read this and sighed; "That woman is her gf and they get to spend a couple of hours together?! I would go mad."
 
Aww, thanks Carma. :) I certainly wish you the same.
 
When you said earlier that you feel a lot more laid-back, egalitarian with Davis, do you think there's potential for a power exchange there? Bedroom only or more of a lifestyle thingie? I'm just wondering if it would feel forced, if vanilla would come more naturally.

It may well not be a fit. But I think it'll be fun to give it a try, in the bedroom to start. Outside of the bedroom we could negotiate trial runs, maybe just a day here and there. Maybe we'll explode into giggles and not be able to take each other seriously. I'm not going to try to force or codify anything, but I do believe that you don't always know what's there until you explore. ;)

Gia and I talked about the idea of introducing that dynamic actively into our relationship, but that was right before she got pregnant, and once that happened she didn't have the mental or physical energy to put into sorting out how it would work. Domming can be an intimidating role and she's never actually done it before. So, we just let it go, though I still feel the urge from time to time to, y'know... drop to my knees and profess my undying loyalty and my willingness to rub her feet, fetch things for her, etcetcetc... and I might fantasize from time to time about her putting a collar on me...

She knows how I feel, knows it's a want not a need, is fine with me expressing it in little ways when I want to, and is open to working on it more once her life is less insane and our relationship is more reconnected and stable. And I am good with that.

Vanilla read this and sighed; "That woman is her gf and they get to spend a couple of hours together?! I would go mad."

Ugh, tell me about it. We've in no way found a good rhythm yet. Bee was born in late July and for the first month I was visiting them 2 or more times a week. But Eric was always there, of course... he took the maximum amount of paternity leave he could in prder to be there as much as possible, and Gia was housebound for a full 3 weeks. Then there was the big camping thing, and then not long after that I went on a trip, and then when I came back it was all rehearsals all the time for me. Gia went back to work early this month and now Eric has just gone back. They found a good friend who is experienced with kids and who needs lodging and happily agreed to help watch Bee during the 2 days per week they needed covered but it was a close thing there which was scary (at max I could've covered 1 day), plus their car just died... geez, it's even more crazy when I type it all out!

Since Bee is breastfed it's hard for Gia to be away from him for long, and Eric is in love with his child and wants to be with him too at every opportunity, so... when do Gia and I happen just the two of us (or three if Bee is there)? We've been stealing time in small increments for now.

Eric is working 10 hour days 4 days a week in order to have 1 day off to watch Bee, so he gets home late, and Friday is one of the days Gia doesn't work (she does a 3 day week), so I'm going to leave work a little early and hang out with her in the hours before he gets home. I would plan to stay the rest of the evening after that as well, but I'd previously promised Davis I'd join him for something later that night.

*sigh* All about the patience over here. I miss her/them like hell sometimes, but it's not like I don't understand why things are this way at the moment.
 
Two final thoughts...

- Dating a pregnant, married woman is hard, dating a woman who's working part-time, is married, and has an infant is harder!!

- 20 pages! Go blog go!
 
Wow, reading that makes me happy that we have 9 months of maternity leave and another nine to be shared, and our constitution protects every parent's right to government-subsidized childcare on demand :eek:.

Go blog!
 
Wow, reading that makes me happy that we have 9 months of maternity leave and another nine to be shared, and our constitution protects every parent's right to government-subsidized childcare on demand :eek:.

Go blog!

Yeah, for all our talk of "family values" (whatever that means) America really s~u~c~k~s at supporting families.
 
Wow, reading that makes me happy that we have 9 months of maternity leave and another nine to be shared, and our constitution protects every parent's right to government-subsidized childcare on demand

I just read about the "baby boxes" of clothing, diapers, and various other useful things that the Finnish government sends to every expectant mother: Finland's Baby Boxes for Expectant Mothers: A Nation's Gift

Of course the population of Finland is 5.4 million, as compared to the US's 307 million, so it's easier to imagine this happening in a smaller country. Still, I wonder if it could work here, in some fashion.
 
I just read about the "baby boxes" of clothing, diapers, and various other useful things that the Finnish government sends to every expectant mother: Finland's Baby Boxes for Expectant Mothers: A Nation's Gift

Of course the population of Finland is 5.4 million, as compared to the US's 307 million, so it's easier to imagine this happening in a smaller country. Still, I wonder if it could work here, in some fashion.
OK, 5.4 million compared to 307 million, but remember that that means that there are more US residents paying taxes, there are more people working for the government (some could be packing baby-boxes). Added to that, the USA has a higher GDP (PPP) per capita than Finland. (#7 in the World, compared to Finland's #22).

So, really, it's only a matter of getting your priorities right...

(Speaking of priorities, The Netherlands pays for home-births, as well as home help to do the washing-up, laundry, etc. for the first 2 weeks after birth, so that parents and newborn have all the time they want to get to know each other.)

p.s. Annabel: an international package of Hugs coming your way. Pick out one for Eric, another for Gia, another for Davis, another (platonic but warm) for Harry, and the little-but-sweetest one's for Bee. (The rest are for you.:eek::eek::eek:)
 
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The US should worry about covering every child's health care costs before they worry about sending them packages of baby clothes.
 
The US should worry about covering every child's health care costs before they worry about sending them packages of baby clothes.
Agreed 100%! But rather than worrying about feeding or clothing them, OR offering free health care, the US Gov't priority seems to be getting involved militarily in other countries. I was just answering NYCI's post by saying that if the will were there, it certainly wouldn't mean a strain on US resources to provide baby-boxes (and much more). The size of the country doesn't make it any more difficult.

Still, large-scale corruption (syphoning of funds / "disappearance" of goods) is a LOT easier in warfare scenarios than in baby-care or SENSIBLE health-care (there's also a lot of corruption in the present health-care system), and warfare makes a MUCH better smoke-screen for the CIA's huge-scale drug-trafficking, so I can understand why they go the road they do.

But, hey, we didn't want to get political on this thread, hmm? (I know: I started it, and I apologise.:eek::rolleyes:)
 
. . . the US Gov't priority seems to be getting involved militarily in other countries.
Other countries do expect us to be the world's police force; it isn't always something the US government wants of its own accord or by whim. Sure, we've made mistakes but we're usually defending someone because they need protection and look to the US specifically for that. It's not our top priority in terms of what we would prefer to do, but it is something our leaders feel is our duty to uphold.

Oops, this is a blog, so no more threadjacking. Sorry, Annabel!
 
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