lemondrops
New member
Hello all!
So, from the title I assume you all think that I am that monogamous girlfriend who is super against letting his boyfriend explore polyamory. Right? Well this is actually not it. There is a different kind of problem, kind of a weird one in my opinion. Here we go...
I believe I am monogamous. I only want one man in my life and that is my boyfriend. He, on the other hand, believes that he is polyamorous and wants more loves in his life besides me. So while discussing it we have had many ups and downs, we have talked about what would be the rules or conditions, nothing too harsh, just some basic stuff. For example, no strangers, only people we have both known for a while, first talking to our friends about it so they wouldn't get the wrong impression that I am stupid or my boyfriend is a cheater and so on. For the last year or so my answer has been "I do not need polyamory, I do not believe it will work very well, but I will support you when letting people know about yourself and our relationship and if it will really work out, then it will and all is good".
Now comes the problem. There are some delicate and kind of painful things for me that I am afraid of. One of them being that people might get the wrong idea and start treating me like a victim for being with my boyfriend while letting him have others. I do not care about what they think, but how it will affect me, like they might start treating me bad even...or try to take advantage of it thinking that "Pfff, his boyfriend showed interest in me, polyamory my ass, her boyfriend just wants to ditch her and take me instead". I really don't want such problems, so we agreed that first he talks with his friends, so nobody would get the wrong impression and second, that his new partners must understand what is polyamory, but today he pushed me in the direction of him just chatting up girls whom he likes. I was so sad and offended...we made rules, we BOTH said we are very happy with them and nobody loses anything and now he tries to get more out of it.
I even wrote him a long letter where I assured him, he will get polyamory, but only the polyamory we BOTH agreed on. So now I have given my "yes", and he should start doing something about it, at first being as neutral as possible and then just moving on...but I have a feeling he is still not satisfied. What am I supposed to do? What is actually left to do? He himself said he is very happy and glad about what we talked and planned. But I still feel that he sometimes treats me like I am in his way or something.
I told him that you got my "green light", so now polyamory does not depend on me anymore, but on himself and mainly others who are not familiar with polyamory. To explain more, we do not live in the USA or UK, but in a country where polyamory is totally unknown to 98% of the people. Why isn't he happy then? He gets to have what he wants if he himself finds those other people and does not hurt me in a major way. He didn't even say anything about the letter. Why??????????????? I am not doing anything wrong when it comes to his wish to be polyamorous.
I have thought that although he seems to truly want it, he actually might be afraid that everyone will condemn it or that it won't work out...so he uses me as the reason he isn't happy and polyamorous yet. I just don't know. He has never said that he would like to just go out on a Friday night and make out with someone or something like that. He has always said he wants to take it slowly and first talk, just let people who matter know about it all. So I am not standing in front of the door while he is yelling "I wanna go out NOW and find a girl NOW and kiss her NOW."
I have even felt so guilty (without a reason in my opinion) that I have gotten angry and told him that am I the one who should find him a girl or do what he wanted to do and talk to his friends about it, cause it does not seem like he will.
Help.
So, from the title I assume you all think that I am that monogamous girlfriend who is super against letting his boyfriend explore polyamory. Right? Well this is actually not it. There is a different kind of problem, kind of a weird one in my opinion. Here we go...
I believe I am monogamous. I only want one man in my life and that is my boyfriend. He, on the other hand, believes that he is polyamorous and wants more loves in his life besides me. So while discussing it we have had many ups and downs, we have talked about what would be the rules or conditions, nothing too harsh, just some basic stuff. For example, no strangers, only people we have both known for a while, first talking to our friends about it so they wouldn't get the wrong impression that I am stupid or my boyfriend is a cheater and so on. For the last year or so my answer has been "I do not need polyamory, I do not believe it will work very well, but I will support you when letting people know about yourself and our relationship and if it will really work out, then it will and all is good".
Now comes the problem. There are some delicate and kind of painful things for me that I am afraid of. One of them being that people might get the wrong idea and start treating me like a victim for being with my boyfriend while letting him have others. I do not care about what they think, but how it will affect me, like they might start treating me bad even...or try to take advantage of it thinking that "Pfff, his boyfriend showed interest in me, polyamory my ass, her boyfriend just wants to ditch her and take me instead". I really don't want such problems, so we agreed that first he talks with his friends, so nobody would get the wrong impression and second, that his new partners must understand what is polyamory, but today he pushed me in the direction of him just chatting up girls whom he likes. I was so sad and offended...we made rules, we BOTH said we are very happy with them and nobody loses anything and now he tries to get more out of it.
I even wrote him a long letter where I assured him, he will get polyamory, but only the polyamory we BOTH agreed on. So now I have given my "yes", and he should start doing something about it, at first being as neutral as possible and then just moving on...but I have a feeling he is still not satisfied. What am I supposed to do? What is actually left to do? He himself said he is very happy and glad about what we talked and planned. But I still feel that he sometimes treats me like I am in his way or something.
I told him that you got my "green light", so now polyamory does not depend on me anymore, but on himself and mainly others who are not familiar with polyamory. To explain more, we do not live in the USA or UK, but in a country where polyamory is totally unknown to 98% of the people. Why isn't he happy then? He gets to have what he wants if he himself finds those other people and does not hurt me in a major way. He didn't even say anything about the letter. Why??????????????? I am not doing anything wrong when it comes to his wish to be polyamorous.
I have thought that although he seems to truly want it, he actually might be afraid that everyone will condemn it or that it won't work out...so he uses me as the reason he isn't happy and polyamorous yet. I just don't know. He has never said that he would like to just go out on a Friday night and make out with someone or something like that. He has always said he wants to take it slowly and first talk, just let people who matter know about it all. So I am not standing in front of the door while he is yelling "I wanna go out NOW and find a girl NOW and kiss her NOW."
I have even felt so guilty (without a reason in my opinion) that I have gotten angry and told him that am I the one who should find him a girl or do what he wanted to do and talk to his friends about it, cause it does not seem like he will.
Help.
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