so we now have a profile on okcupid together but no ones even replied to any of our messages so ive talked to jeff about me making my own profile and doing what some of you have suggested (me meetting women on my own and they seeing if we can work it into a 3 way relationship) but i almost feel like im tricking people. like im leading them on to think that ill be with them on my own without jeff which i wont do.
If you're up front from the very start about your aims, having your own profile seems fine to me. But if you're not clear about it from the start, then I can say at least that I'd feel hurt and deceived if I were a woman you were talking to and the requirement to be into both of you only came up later.
It may help to understand that what you're looking for is something that is hard to find and that may just cause problems if/when you find it. A couple seeking a single woman to be with both of them exclusively is sometimes called "unicorn hunting" because it can come from a place of unrealistic expectations.
For starters, you're looking for someone to desire and have emotions for you both at the same time from the beginning, which is no mean feat considering that physical and emotional attraction for just one person can be hard to find. It's also a situation that many women are wary of -- when a couple will only accept a new person being involved with both of them, it often turns out to stem from insecurity on one or both of their parts, which doesn't lead to healthy relationships. Sometimes people are afraid to date separately because they actually can't stand the thought of their partner being with someone else without them, but then that jealousy ends up surfacing eventually in the triad situation too when the new partner is into one person more than the other or when the original couple realizes that their relationship is now in fact changing due to the presence of this new person.
It can also make a potential new partner feel devalued when they're essentially expected to just slot into your existing life rather than getting the chance to work with you to define the type of poly relationship that would work best for them. The potential new partner is expected to have no other partners ("single women only") so they'll have only you to turn to in the difficult situation of trying to build a new three-person relationship, whereas you two will have the fun, exciting newness of the relationship with her PLUS the stable, reassuring existing relationship between each other to fall back on and rely on. This puts her in an inherently unequal and vulnerable position right from the start, and to my mind isn't really a fair thing to ask... why is it important for her to be exclusive with you?
One last thought -- when this is the only sort of relationship a couple will accept, they seem to end up finding mainly young women who are new to poly. This can just exacerbate all the potential issues outlined above, because these women may not have the best communication skills, or may not know exactly what they're getting into, or may not even know themselves very well yet. Women with a little more experience who are open to poly are more likely to already have at least one other partner of their own, and even if they'd like the idea of hooking up with the two of you at the same time may be turned off by the whole "unicorn hunter" vibe.
Just some food for thought based on many, many stories I've read here from people on both sides of the equation (couples and solo women).