River
Active member
I'm deliberately leaving the topic title broad, but mostly what I'm wanting is to listen in (and chime in occasionally) as folks talk about questions like "Is it ever too soon to have sex while dating someone?".
I suspect the answer to that would both vary widely and would be qualified by considerations like, "It depends on what sort of relationship you're looking for".
But I have my first date tomorrow with a man I've been exchanging emails with for a month, almost daily. He's poly (!!!) and bi, like me... and that's a rare enough combo round here. He has a wife. She's slowly building her comfort zone with her husband's being newly poly. She's okay with her husband seeing guys (and actually wants to ease more slowly into him seeing other women). But the crucial info from my perspective is that we seem to be immensely compatible in all kinds of ways. And I mean, if we're to have a platonic friendship, we'd probably be wildly compatible that way. And as lovers … we'd probably be wildly compatible. We have a great deal in common, and we talk really well together. We both enjoy, and are comfortable with, the deeper end of the pool of intimacy (in the broadest, non-euphemistic sense). We like one another.
There are various reasons we took a whole month of emailing before actually meeting face to face. Part of it is he lives 50 miles away, so visiting isn't such a casual thing. Part of that is that his relationship with his wife has been deeply strained by his wanting out of the DADT arrangement which they had prior to my arrival in the picture. He wants an honest, poly way of life and he wants to be able to talk with her about what's going on with him in his life -- naturally. They came very near to parting during this month I've been emailing back and forth with my new friend. (Yes, I consider us to be friends though we've yet to meet.) He was busy and stressed with work, too. So I was just happy to be exchanging emails with this lovely, intelligent, kind and heartful person.
In our emails we shared that there is mutual attraction between us and have talked about it. So there's no secret there.
At some point I told him that I'd really like to cuddle with him. I said it would be clothed cuddling at first … and he said he'd prefer naked cuddling. And this sort of set the stage for a little talk between us about how it might be better not to get sexual right away with one another, as we continue to build our connection in the face-to-face, 3-D world of actual bodily presence.
I told him a couple of days ago that I have a history of "leaping" into sexual relationships, that I don't have much experience with the slow, gradual, dating thing. It's true. I'm a very tactile person.
I so rarely feel this kind of … this level of compatibility for the deeper dimensions of emotional / intellectual / spiritual intimacy that, naturally (I'm human!) I'm a little nervous about either screwing it up or missing an opportunity, otherwise.
He's a bi guy who has only had sexual encounters with men, never an actual relationship. He's enthusiastically said he'd love to kiss me and cuddle with me, both of which would be firsts for him with a man. He has also said he'd like to have a passionate, intimate, LTR with a man, and that I'm "the only candidate".... So naturally I'm not wanting to be leaping into anything -- and at the same time I don't want to do the opposite -- both of which can be out of the "flow" if the flow is being natural and spontaneous.
So I'm sharing some of this with you out of curiosity as to what folks might say.
I SO want to cuddle with him tomorrow, and maybe even kiss him! But I want physical contact. I also worry a little that such contact might be a "slippery slope" into too much, too soon. And I have so little experience with such things in my recent life that I feel slightly lost. The old traditions are rarely followed these days, and we're all rather weirdly on our own with these things.
I suspect the answer to that would both vary widely and would be qualified by considerations like, "It depends on what sort of relationship you're looking for".
But I have my first date tomorrow with a man I've been exchanging emails with for a month, almost daily. He's poly (!!!) and bi, like me... and that's a rare enough combo round here. He has a wife. She's slowly building her comfort zone with her husband's being newly poly. She's okay with her husband seeing guys (and actually wants to ease more slowly into him seeing other women). But the crucial info from my perspective is that we seem to be immensely compatible in all kinds of ways. And I mean, if we're to have a platonic friendship, we'd probably be wildly compatible that way. And as lovers … we'd probably be wildly compatible. We have a great deal in common, and we talk really well together. We both enjoy, and are comfortable with, the deeper end of the pool of intimacy (in the broadest, non-euphemistic sense). We like one another.
There are various reasons we took a whole month of emailing before actually meeting face to face. Part of it is he lives 50 miles away, so visiting isn't such a casual thing. Part of that is that his relationship with his wife has been deeply strained by his wanting out of the DADT arrangement which they had prior to my arrival in the picture. He wants an honest, poly way of life and he wants to be able to talk with her about what's going on with him in his life -- naturally. They came very near to parting during this month I've been emailing back and forth with my new friend. (Yes, I consider us to be friends though we've yet to meet.) He was busy and stressed with work, too. So I was just happy to be exchanging emails with this lovely, intelligent, kind and heartful person.
In our emails we shared that there is mutual attraction between us and have talked about it. So there's no secret there.
At some point I told him that I'd really like to cuddle with him. I said it would be clothed cuddling at first … and he said he'd prefer naked cuddling. And this sort of set the stage for a little talk between us about how it might be better not to get sexual right away with one another, as we continue to build our connection in the face-to-face, 3-D world of actual bodily presence.
I told him a couple of days ago that I have a history of "leaping" into sexual relationships, that I don't have much experience with the slow, gradual, dating thing. It's true. I'm a very tactile person.
I so rarely feel this kind of … this level of compatibility for the deeper dimensions of emotional / intellectual / spiritual intimacy that, naturally (I'm human!) I'm a little nervous about either screwing it up or missing an opportunity, otherwise.
He's a bi guy who has only had sexual encounters with men, never an actual relationship. He's enthusiastically said he'd love to kiss me and cuddle with me, both of which would be firsts for him with a man. He has also said he'd like to have a passionate, intimate, LTR with a man, and that I'm "the only candidate".... So naturally I'm not wanting to be leaping into anything -- and at the same time I don't want to do the opposite -- both of which can be out of the "flow" if the flow is being natural and spontaneous.
So I'm sharing some of this with you out of curiosity as to what folks might say.
I SO want to cuddle with him tomorrow, and maybe even kiss him! But I want physical contact. I also worry a little that such contact might be a "slippery slope" into too much, too soon. And I have so little experience with such things in my recent life that I feel slightly lost. The old traditions are rarely followed these days, and we're all rather weirdly on our own with these things.
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