LovingRadiance
Active member
Thank you for addressing this. It's the kind of thing that helps me understand BF's mindset and the reason I appreciate this forum. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe that's exactly what he would do.
I know that's what I would do. But, i also don't consider my boyfriend secondary.
It HAD taken a ridiculous amount of time to get to where we are and it's not "evenly" broken up in terms of time/attention. But, a lot of that has to do with the difference in needs/desires.
My boyfriend is a much more independent person than my husband. He's also more.. private? For example, he would NEVER make out in front of another person-not ever. It just doesn't work for him. But, it doesn't bother him if my husband makes out with me (mildly) in front of him.
So, we don't make out in front of my husband-which would piss my husband off-but the REASON we don't make issue of the "double standard" is because we don't want to ANYWAY.
The same is true of sleeping. Both my boyfriend and I sleep better alone. So generally, I sleep with my husband at night (which allows bf to get some alone sleep for a couple hours). We go to bed about 10. Boyfriend gets home from work about 1, sleep by 2. Then, at 6 dh leaves for work and I move up to bf's room til he gets up about 9.
So, while i generally spend the nights with Maca, it isn't because he's "primary" or because GG is "secondary". It's because it is what works best for ALL of us.
I think that is the key difference actually.
Our boundary lists were made as a group. Not just Maca and I. We all discussed our individual needs/desires etc. None of us got EXACTLY what we'd want in a "perfect world" but we all got the most important things we needed and we all compromised for the benefit of the others.
Some things are still a work in progress. But, there's never been a point when I have allowed the importance of my bf to be ignored.
Even though Maca would have preferred that. In fact, that was our biggest struggle-because he did want me to flat out label it as a secondary relationship and lay things out so that he came first always.
We compromised where it was reasonable to compromise-because it wasn't important to GG and I or because it wasn't AS important to us as it was to Maca.
But, when it comes down to the bottomline-they both have equally meaningful places in my heart, in my family and in my life.