Phy's story - As you like it

I am sorry to hear that. It is so sad to have to make that choice, I know. I am sure you made the right decision, it is that last loving act you have to do with a pet... *hugs*
 
You are so sweet, thanks for your sympathy. I am better, we are coping and working on handling the empty space she left. I will steer clear of whelps for now, because I know that I will ultimately want a new dog in my life, but the thought just doesn't feel good for now.

Both of mine have just been incredible. Sward was a bit more down than I expected and Lin was trying to take care of us, but felt a bit helpless standing next to us, witnessing our hurt and sorrow and not being able to lift it. Even though he definitely did, it was a huge help to have someone not so emotionally involved with us.

What I noticed today, is that it is beneficial to have another relationship right at hand to remind you of what you need from time to time. The relationship between Lin and I has been deepening steadily till now. Sometimes I could just cuddle him to death, never want to let him go, am all over him as soon as I get the chance to do so and that is something I am missing in regard to Sward at the moment.

He is a bit distant and stressed and still hurts because of the problems with his back as it seems. Problematic is his old habit of not speaking up in such situations, leaving us clueless about what is bugging him and how to handle his grumpiness. As a result I feel more and more disconnected, especially as our time is quite limited at the moment. I recognized that I started missing him some days ago. Back when we were just the two of us, I would have retired into my own bubble and keep sulking for some attention while I knew that I can't change the situation right now, as he just got no time and I can't make his pain go away.

But because of the stable and great relationship with Lin I strongly wish to equalize the two relationships and am more intolerant to such behavior on his part. Not to get it wrong, I don't want them to be equal, but I want to be equally satisfied in my relationships. I have had some passive aggressiveness going on there previously and I am happy that I tend to get active in this new situation.
 
Just a short update.

Sward's and my time is still severely limited right now. I don't like that, but I can't do something about it. Everyone is immersed in work and obligations. Waiting for the weekend to come.

Tuesday was my birthday. The day itself was hectic but in the evening we were invited for dinner at my parents house and celebrated a bit. Sward came in late because he had his treatments for his back pain. I liked how everyone was able to talk totally normal and free with each other, even though I went there with Lin first. My mother seems to handle 'us' way better if no outsiders are involved. It will get better from now on, I suppose :)

Later that evening I got my birthday wish fulfilled, meaning both signed up for a night on the couch and some individual couple activities right beforehand. It was no problem at all. Everyone had this short moment of “Shouldn't it be weird to sleep with one, then the other and finally cuddle on the sofa all three of us?” but it just wasn't. I spend the night rolling from one side to the other and spoon cuddle them.

We talked about Christmas as well. The parents of my BiL will be with us this year. They are an older couple, his father is suffering the repercussions of a stroke and his mother just needs some company during that time of the year. The more, the merrier ;) I like it when families come together. Definitely looking forward to it.

And I got my first official grades (just part of those I will have to get in spring). Things are looking good, I guess I am prepared.
 
And another thing on my mind:

There are some reality shows on German TV that show polyamorous couples as of late. Not regularly but I have seen a vee constellation twice by now. Really unhealthy stuff in one case and nothing too positive in the other, they don't give a good impression or something like that, but they are there. While watching this unhappy woman fighting for the divorce of her partner and his still-wife who both lived with her at that point in time, I thought about when the last time has been I have asked Sward and Lin if they are happy with the way things are.

So I did; Lin was watching the show with me. “Have you ever thought about having me all to yourself lately?” Short pause - “No, not that I remember.” “Does Sward's presence upset you in any way or can you think of him as positive?” “No, I don't think of him as negative. I like doing things with him, like shopping, discussing the latest game news, gossiping about our neighbors (grins), making dinner and watching him eating every last bit on the plate. I have to take care of our Daddy Bear, he is working way too much right now.”

I did the same later when Sward and I were lying in bed and talking. “Is there any negativity you combine with Lin's presence? Have you ever thought about how nice it would be to have me all to yourself again?” “I don't think about things like that. Lin is here. And it's positive that he is. (smiles) He does all the housekeeping! (short pause) But sometimes I would like some more time with you alone in the house. He is always there when I am. Except for the time he sleeps in every day when we are already awake. But that's a minor point. Everything is good.”

Still things to discover, as it seems. I haven't thought about Sward's last point. Checking in is necessary from time to time. But I am glad that We are doing good :D
 
Checking in is necessary from time to time. But I am glad that We are doing good :D

So happy your living-together Vee is going well. Ours is chugging along just great. One new development is that they have acquired a new hobby together that gets them out of the house for a day or two at a time, leaving me with some much needed home-alone-time to putter around and recharge.

I find that I am hesitant to "check in" when things are going well - like I don't want to "rock the boat"...so I have to remind myself to do it. Generally, I have always gotten the "all good here" thumbs up - occasionally they will have some minor point or suggestion to discuss. We generally leave it with a reminder that its best to just speak up right away if something is off - which we have all gotten pretty good at.

Joy!

JaneQ
 
A little crush

Life is still quiet at the moment. I am kind of unsettled about something I can't name, but I guess that is the lingering stress in regard to my seminar papers I need to compose the upcoming weeks. I can't pin down why I am feeling a bit uneasy. It's just in the back of my mind.

In regard to my personal state of mind, I noticed something about me that left me dumbstruck for a moment. It seems as if I have a little crush on my literary studies professor. I can't point to a similar situation back in my personal history where something like that had happened. That's why I found it so strange, when I noticed that my heart was beating at an insane speed when I first saw her again after the summer break and prepared to talk to her about some Puritan picture that she put up for discussion.

Have I ever had something like a crush on one of my teachers? I don't think so, that's really new and in a way exciting for me, because somehow one could regard this as my first crush at all. I never felt nervous about talking to anyone, it was more a “Those are my feelings, what about you?” thing mostly. But there I was, sitting in my seminar, waiting for my turn to speak up and analyze the pictures and feeling that my chest tightened by the thought of finally talking to her again. It got hard to breathe even.

Strange situation for sure and it got even weirder later that evening. I visit two of her seminars and we know each other since 5 semesters, but I haven't been to her courses for a year. We don't know each other that well personally; there has been an excursion in 2010 and I tend to speak up a lot when things are interesting, that's why she knows that I know my stuff. She likes to turn to me when she looks for a different point of view, because we mostly agree that we do not agree on the minor details. It's really fun to discuss topics or themes with her, at least our minds get along great.

It got weird when the last seminar ended and I was getting ready to catch my bus and train, because it was an evening seminar and I can hardly get home after those. Suddenly she came after me and asked: “Is it OK for you if people may notice that we know each other?” … I was like :confused: What the heck does she mean? As I got to hurry I just said “No problem!”, chatted about something seminar related and left, but this little question stuck. I didn't understand what could be problematic about this or what the dimension behind this question could have been.

That was the reason why I decided to write her an email. I was worried that she may have been in trouble with being too personal with her students in general or she may found my behavior (hurrying out the door to get my bus) rude and was unsure if something about our last discussion annoyed me or whatever there could be behind her question. Because I really like her, the email got a bit longer and the reply was long as well. She had been worrying about putting too much pressure on me by expecting me to have knowledge beyond the actual topic at hand because she knows about me from other courses already. I know that she loves to tease people a bit and get them out of their shells and she can be enthusiastic and just carries you along when she is at it. (Great sense of humor and an ironic person by heart in a way, I like that about her ;)) And she told me that she would have worried about this the whole evening if she didn't speak up as she did. Oh so similar, aren't we? :D

In the end we decided that we should get together for a coffee some time soon, because we didn't really know each other up to now. It was just an average professor-student relationship, I am quite a private person in all aspects of my life normally. So, we will see. I guess this crush will stay on the theoretical level, but it is nice to feel this sensation.

Sward and Lin were teasing me about it. They just find it interesting and especially Lin smirked about the fact that both of us got worked up by such a minor thing that we were exchanging long mails around 10-11 p.m. in the night.
 
In regard to my personal state of mind, I noticed something about me that left me dumbstruck for a moment. It seems as if I have a little crush on my literary studies professor. I can't point to a similar situation back in my personal history where something like that had happened.

It was sooo funny to read this because I'm experiencing same thing for the first time, too! :eek: :D I don't know her at all, though, but I'm finding her attractive for she seems very intelligent and passionate and she has a pretty non-normative style for a university teacher. Definitely have no trouble attending that lecture at 10am... :p
 
:D Strange coincidence, indeed ^.^

I like the fact that this crush is more intellectual than physical though. Don't get me wrong, she is not looking too bad, but she is soooo tiny from my point of view. Every time we talk face to face after the course I search for something to sit on to lower myself to her eye level. She hardly reaches my breast height. That's why I don't think I will develop a serious interest in her. I was already worrying about 'hurting' Lin in the beginning, I guess I couldn't handle someone of her height/size at all :p

But you are totally right, it is quite motivating. Even though I come home late I don't mind as much as I would have if it would have been someone else to hold this seminar.
 
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Jealousy

I experienced some jealousy. Not the totally negative type and nothing in regard to a romantic relationship but because some connection between Sward and Lin *scratches head* Well, what happened.

Sward and Lin started to share a hobby as of late and they are really into it. Theorising a lot and spending hours with small details, being real nerds about all of it. Nothing I can really relate to except that I had a look into it to understand what they are talking about there. Normally Lin's and Sward's attention is more or less focused on me when I come home, telling about my day and what happened in university or with friends they both know. Sward tells us about his day as well during that time and later we have dinner. (Aren't I in for routine? :rolleyes: )

Yesterday, I came home a bit earlier and Sward arrived some minutes after me. I started talking about a friend who was a bit down because of his relationship status (single, four years right now) and Lin was responding because he knows this friend quite well. Suddenly Sward commented on something hobby-related and Lin's attention made a U-turn and I was left alone in the middle of the conversation. After some minutes he remembered that he had been talking to me originally and asked about our friend as if the interruption hadn't taken place at all. I didn't respond, Sward noticed that I wasn't too pleased with what had happened right away.

Well later on, Lin and I were talking about something else and again, Sward made a comment hobby-related and again, Lin was instantly engrossed in the topic. That's when I have had enough and told them, that I would love the person not participating in the conversation (Sward mostly, he likes to listen to our chat) to try to wait until it has ended or if he wanted to add something, then do it topic related in some kind of way. Beside the rudeness I sensed there, I noticed that it was strange to share Lin's attention in such a way. I got a bit possessive and sulky in similar situations before when they were totally immersed in their own world.

All ended with an apology from Sward for interrupting our chat constantly and from Lin for flipping back and forth and I just gave up on telling anything else and let them have their hobby-time. *sigh* How complicated the little matters can be :D
 
Taking into account that we shouldn't open Pandora's box

A friend of mine has been in quite a predicament and the last two weeks were filled with his confusion about the road to take and my advice and take on his situation. To sum things up, he met a young woman, fell in love, was involved with her and her boyfriend for some time before feelings came up and finally ended up sleeping with her during a visit he paid them when her boyfriend went to work. Even though he knew how troublesome and shitty this move has been, he couldn't stop himself and came to me to hear about my opinion. (Well aware that this wasn't going to be a nice conversation like the one he had with his male friends “Way to go, dude!”, something along those lines.) I gave him my piece of mind and we moved on to discuss the possibilities that may come out of this mess.

While going through the options (he wasn't in for poly at all, maybe swinging with another couple, but feelings were too complicated from his point of view) he stated that he had always found it kind of strange that we (Sward, Lin and I) had never engaged in some kind of threesome activity at all. It was the most natural outcome from his point of view. I thought about this comment for a while.

I personally don't feel the need to explore this. I love being alone with my partner/lover. I want to concentrate on the other person and not be distracted by something/someone else. The farthest we went in regard to this topic was when we were making out on the couch in the beginning. I felt good and it was exiting to have four hands on my body, but at the same time I felt how uncomfortable Lin was feeling and that spoiled the fun thoroughly. Maybe that is the reason why I didn't think about it any more after this experience. On the other hand, I guess that I would think about it more often if I would really feel the need to go there. (It's a different story with women, I think about being with one regularly. But even in that case I don't particularly long for it, because I don't have a specific one in mind.)

I talked to Lin about it and he gave me quite a striking answer why he never initiated this again and is happy with things as they are right now. Early in our relationship he overheard Sward and me having sex and it was extremely unpleasant for him. It was one of the moments when he thought about his ability to handle a vee relationship at all. He found his solution in not thinking about what Sward and I may have between us intimately, switching off thinking about that part of our relationship completely. (Nothing I could do, btw; therefore, I have no idea how this works. Switching off thinking … like stop breathing for me :rolleyes: ) Of course, he knows that we have an intimate relationship, that we have sex as well, but that abstract thought is OK. He doesn't want to fill it with concrete images or impressions, he would surely imprint in his mind as soon as a threesome would happen. He doesn't want to see what Sward and I do, or more precisely what Sward does with me.

Sward was the one expressing an interest in experiencing a threesome directly from the start, but even he didn't come back to this any more after the first attempts that went in this direction. Most importantly he didn't want to force one of us and his curiousness in regard to it declined significantly. He is unsure why, but it's off the table for now. My friend pondered about some resentment building up on Sward's part because of an unfulfilled wish, but Sward denied any negative feelings because of the lack of shared sexual experiences. He said, he in fact just stopped thinking about the possibility, because it seemed so unrealistic in our situation. It just isn't something we are in for in this constellation.

I guess there are some things we instinctively avoid doing to not invade the private space of the others important to us. We have found our middle ground to stand on with which everyone is OK and fine. By now our boundaries and the ones of the others became clearer and clearer and we adjusted to each other's needs and wants mostly. Nearly one and a half year after our starting point I regard us as steady and settled. I noticed that we are missing the freshness and in a sense the newness by now, which were constantly present before; occasionally during the last months even (here and there).
 
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re: the natural death of Sward's threesome fantasy - I really relate to this :) I love how the reality of a situation can temper desires. It's quite a useful thing, in my experience
 
Heated argument

Ok, so we had our first big blow-up yesterday. There have been 2 or 3 arguments between Lin and me over the course of the last year, but this was our first “I am too upset to talk to you right now and will better go to sleep” one. And this is so new, that I am not as much upset by now than curious how this will work out and what we will do over the course of the day and so on. Really strange situation.

It was caused by an advice Sward gave Lin in advance of the upcoming evening today. We will meet one of my best friends and her husband. We weren't in regular contact, mainly because she just had her finals during the last year and totally 'vanished' because of the stress around the whole thing. Perfectionists do have a hard time sometimes. But well, she reappeared again two months ago and has been a great help when I was sorting out my feelings and the possibilities around my options in regard to my poly-ship.

And her husband had a really hard time coping with the fact that she was able to just accept me and my situation. When she told him about our/my situation, he flipped. Wasn't able to let it go, scared that she might have similar interests, outraged about Sward's role in this (victim) and in general completely projecting all his fears and insecurities onto it. Concluding from what she told me, I guess she has had a hard time getting through to him. But, he calmed down some months ago and now she would like to get to know Lin and see Sward again and her husband started to be curious as well. That's why we set a dinner date at our favorite restaurant.

Sward, Lin and I were lying on the sofa, watching some show and just chatting. Some advertisement made Sward suggest that Lin better not touch on this and that theme because my friend's husband is working in some kind of official position which could cause some conflict for him in regard to the guidelines of his job. That's when the whole thing started.

Lin has had not so pleasant moments with some people working in the field my friend's husband does. And in addition to his reaction to our relationship constellation his job was the final straw that broke Lin's judgment of his character. He expressed that he probably won't like him and he should just try to tread on his toes (he used a way more rude and vulgar expression, but my swearing vocab isn't that great, so I guess you can read into that what seems appropriate …) and he would show him what he got and so on. Totally ruffling his feathers and such.

How I hate this. There was nothing concrete underlying his judgment, he didn't meet him, he didn't know him. The same behavior my friend's husband has shown in regard to our situation. Hm, well, I am a person who can't conceal how I feel. I don't know what it was, maybe body language because I wasn't facing him during this conversation, but he instantly knew that I didn't approve of whatever it was specifically.

Instead of getting pissed at Sward for suggesting some restrictions on his behavior, he got pissed at me for being how I am. “Is something not to your liking?” - “Indeed, I don't like it when you get this swanky and pretentious.” - “I haven't been that way, can't you for once not show it when something is displeasing you? Everything has to go according to your liking and taste … I won't budge/ bend over backwards for some unknown stranger ...” and so on.

Ah well … what do I do with this. I think this has been positive, as far as a quarrel can be. I finally know, what it is that ticks him off and what gets on my nerves in return. This was shown on some occasions already but never to this extend. [It is the opposite of Sward's behavior btw, they are complete opposites when it comes to this character trait; Sward's solution gets on my nerves as well, just you know it :rolleyes:] I am too judgmental and in a way in regard to this trait from his point of view totally coming across as “better than you – you can't do anything right”. He is too proud of the (from my point of view) stupidest things and totally protective of “his way” whatever that may be in the concrete situation.

I am curious what we will do with this over the course of the day. He just came in, not saying a word. It is strange to deal with an unknown trait of a partner (conflict solution, behavior during an extended argument). I have no clue how deeply this affected him, if we found some kind of debate of principles in there or if this is just some momentary hick-up. I at least know that he needs his time and will come to me when things are sorted in his mind. I don't work that way, but the problem isn't really one from my point of view. Therefore, we will see.
 
...this was our first “I am too upset to talk to you right now and will better go to sleep” one. And this is so new, that I am not as much upset by now than curious how this will work out and what we will do over the course of the day and so on. Really strange situation...

I just wanted to say that I had a similar experience when Dude and I had our first "fight" where he actually got upset with me. (I disagree with him all of the time, and love to have an intellectual battle...but this was different.) I was less concerned about the actual conflict (which was not a big "dealbreaker" type) and more bemused and interested as to how it would play itself out.

I think I MUST have had similar feelings the first time MrS and I had an argument but I really can't remember...Curiouser and curiouser...

JaneQ
 
Yeah, that is exactly what I am talking about. I know that I have been really emotional and unstable when this happened with Sward. But that must have been the age, I was about 18. I find it a bit strange that I am mostly curious and not that much upset about it. Need to look inot that to find the workings behind this, I guess.
 
Ok, things are sorted out. The result is … hmmm... I don't quite know how I should assess it. It was to some extend a basic incompatibility. We really found each others kryptonite and we saw that we can argue about this for hours, we can't really change the fact that we work that way. I guess, it is ok to have one thing you can't let go off in regard to bad personal traits. Both of us realized that we won't be able to change this trigger for the other and that we can live with it. It took us over a year to discover this dynamic, I would guess that an argument per year is acceptable :rolleyes:

Part of me doesn't like the fact that there is something I can't 'fix'. I hate it, when I need to realize that I am not in control over everything going on in my life. But this is what makes me 'me' in a way and what defines him as 'him'. There is a similar thing with Sward, but we don't stumble upon it with this big explosion coming along with it. I think, that has been the reason why I was so passive about it yesterday and mainly curious what will happen next. I am not used to such a fierce and hot-blodded person like Lin when it comes to arguments and fights. I was overwhelmed by the intensity. From Lin's point of view, this was a totally normal fight, something he almost never has with me, but quite regularly encountered in former relationships. Sward and I always talked things out, we never really yelled at each other. We will see when the next time will be.

All things considered, it was a really nice evening. I almost called it off after our second argument shortly before my friend and her husband arrived, but we had fun and I am glad that I didn't give in to that notion. My friend liked Lin and was happy to see Sward again, her husband got comfy around our group as well after some minutes and the dinner went great.

What I really need to give Lin credit for is his ability to come across as totally neutral and friendly even though he himself has mixed feelings towards the person in question. And to reset his opinion in favor of the stranger if he finds his prejudice to be wrong later on. He said that her husband wouldn't be someone he would ever become friends with, but it was ok to chat a bit and that he was a nice acquaintance for some evenings or casual get-togethers as far as he is able to tell.

In general, I had a rough start into the weekend with a nice Saturday evening dinner but totally forgot to tend to my papers. Today we will visit my parents to prepare everything for our secret Santa this year and I won't really have some time on my hands as well. Oh yes, another small news: The parents of my BiL will move into the flat above us. Even greater agglomeration of family in the near future. *scratches head*
 
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Aww, I'm glad you guys got through everything fine. :) I feel for Lin, I get SO touchy when it comes to people who are skeptical of poly to the point that they might think of me as a homewrecker for being involved with a married person.
 
Thanks Annabel :)

Strange that you mention this point as well. It was never part of the original discussion but one of Lin's interpretation of the points the husband may have made. But the husband's enrage was more about his wife being able to accept me and even defend me when they argued, which accounts to his main problem being me/his wife, sharing this notion that it is possible to love more than one and live up to it. (Even though this is nothing my friend would like to explore, her husband was jumping into his own mess of assumptions there.) It wasn't really any judgment about Lin being a homewrecker. I guess that is somethign that automatically comes to mind in the 'third person's position' joining a pre-existing couple.
 
Extended family and 'outing'

Thinking about extended family right now. As Christmas is around the corner and some birthdays and such, I will get in touch with my relatives on a more regular basis. I have thought about telling the younger ones on a consobrinus/a get together some months ago, but it kind of not felt right. I am still unsure, if I want to tell them about Lin at all.

I would love to have both of my men present when we meet for celebrations and such. And I feel bad about being in the closet. But is it worth it? I really don't know how the majority of them will react. I guess most will be shocked or unable to really understand it. Some were already flabbergasted by the fact that another man is living with us. *sigh* I don't want Lin to stay behind on all the family events. I don't want to talk about only some parts of my life and leave the others out.

Maybe I should just wait for a bigger event happening at our home again. They will naturally see me with Sward and Lin. I won't hide it then. Maybe it would be too arbitrary to talk about some ominous partner out of nowhere while sitting next to my husband in the midst of all my extended family members. Maybe they need some preparation time to get used to the thought and I would ruin my family party by just showing what I feel. I have no clue at all how to approach this.
 
When invited to go to an event just ask if Lin is welcome as well. If them knowing all the detail of your relationship would cause issues for them, just refrain from any PDA that would raise suspicions. No one else (outside the three of you) is "entitle" to know the details of your personal and/or sex life. Hell, my husband and I get suspicious inquiries, when there isn't anything going on and others imaginations are just looking for something to gossip about.
 
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