Being poly is so unfair.

StarTeddy

New member
This is kind of similar to the other thread "I miss the perks of monogamy", but this is more of a personal vent of things I've been thinking about for a while.

I feel like being poly is the only way I can live my life in a way that is honest to myself and my feelings. But it's tough...and it's incredibly unfair in this society. Isn't love something that is encouraged and celebrated? Why is it that because I love two people so much that I can't imagine being without them, it means I must lose them both? My ex and I broke up because I had fallen for his best friend and he could not accept a poly relationship. His best friend was more open to the idea, but he's been shying away from it lately. I told him that my ideal arrangement would be all partners living in the same house, but he told me that he does not wish to live with anyone who isn't his partner. He also finds it unfair to have to share time spent together. So I feel like it's only a matter of time until I lose him. I've been trying to reconnect with an ex of mine who I was madly in love with, more than anyone else...I don't really expect anything to come of it, but if it did he'd probably reject me too, because of the way I choose to love. And the thing that hurts the most is that all three of them would want to date me if it was just them.

Because I want to love, I am precluded from loving. And I feel so alone.

I just want to be allowed to love, and I want to express that love...but from now on, the sad reality is that most of the people I'll ever love will reject me. I suppose, then, that I should become someone who loves without expecting anything in return. Because really, who would want to share when they can have so much more....?
 
I know this must be painful for you. You sound very similar to me; you found the capacity to love more than one person after you entered a serious relationship. It sounds like you have had a very rough time of it....I'm sorry your loved ones are not more open to the idea.

If all else fails, I hope you will have faith that you could find another person to love someday that can accept you as you are. You could always find ways to meet people who are like minded and eventually one of them could blossom into a relationship. Still, I know you must dearly want the current people in your life to be more giving and open. You can keep trying to reason with them, but unfortunately the choice is ultimately up to them. I myself wish society was more open to the idea myself.
 
My ex and I broke up because I had fallen for his best friend and he could not accept a poly relationship.

Fair enough. You are responsible for articulating your wants, needs, limits. He articulates his and they were a mismatch.

Just because you want to go there doesn't automatically mean he does.


His best friend was more open to the idea, but he's been shying away from it lately. I told him that my ideal arrangement would be all partners living in the same house, but he told me that he does not wish to live with anyone who isn't his partner. He also finds it unfair to have to share time spent together. So I feel like it's only a matter of time until I lose him.

He sounds more open. So why are you putting in right into the doomy gloomy bucket rather than talking more to refine where his limit is?

Maybe he's fine with a "V" and you as the hinge but NOT fine living with your other partner in the same house sharing all hours of the day in there and finances and all that jazz.

Is living all together a "hard limit" for you? Or is it more of a "want" than a limit?

I've been trying to reconnect with an ex of mine who I was madly in love with, more than anyone else...I don't really expect anything to come of it, but if it did he'd probably reject me too, because of the way I choose to love.

So why go there looking for rejection if you already know it is not a kite that will fly?


And the thing that hurts the most is that all three of them would want to date me if it was just them.

And this is bad because? Can't it be strokes for you?

"Yay! I am loveable! Unfortunate that the wants, needs and limits don't line up right yet, but I am loveable!"

Do you subscribe to the idea that there's only One or Few Right Ones for you?

Or do you subscribe to the idea that there are MANY Right Ones... but they don't always come at the Right Time?

GG
 
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Well, I guess the real issue is that I have abandonment issues. My parents were physically present but they never gave me much in the way of emotional support. Because of that, it hurts a lot when I love someone but they'd rather not be with me--it feels like I need them and I'm being abandoned. I'm aware this isn't the case at all, but it still hurts. It also hurts when I love someone and I can't express my feelings towards them, because I feel like I'm lying to myself.

And as for the living together thing...I don't know, it has more to do with me not wanting to feel like I have to take time away from one of them to be with the other, and some aspects of childcare. My ideal situation is living together with partners who are friends and enjoy each other's company. And also I worry that if I ever have a child, that I won't be able to take care of it like I should, because there wouldn't be enough time or money to go around. I'm also scared that I'd resent the child for all the time it would take away from me. I feel like it would be MUCH easier to raise a child in a three-person, two-salary family where the mother stays home with the child. So is it a hard limit or a want? I really don't know.

edit: Oh, and about my ex....he has a really bad family and he's been going through some really rough times since our relationship ended. Basically, I was the only person in his life who cared about what he wanted and his own wellbeing, and it took our breaking up (under pressure from his parents) for him to realize that if he didn't care about himself, nobody would. He's been trying to pick up the pieces of his life lately, and I feel like I should be there to support him and make sure that he doesn't fall into the same bad habits. Lots of years ago I had promised I'd always be there for him, and I'd never forgive myself if something bad happened to him and I never even tried.
 
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That's good you own that. But are you able to work on your abandonment issues? It's not going to help future relationships if you come across as uber clingy. :(


It also hurts when I love someone and I can't express my feelings towards them, because I feel like I'm lying to myself.

This baffles me -- how are you lying to yourself?

Emotion just is. Wind is, rain is. It burbles up. We do not get to choose -- we feel what we feel when we feel it.

But we do get to choose how we respond.

That isn't lying to yourself. That's choosing to REACT to emotion or choosing to ACT with intention depending on the situation and what is best called for.


And as for the living together thing...I don't know, it has more to do with me not wanting to feel like I have to take time away from one of them to be with the other. [snip] I'm also scared that I'd resent the child for all the time it would take away from me.

I don't see how maintaining a schedule is taking time away from anyone. Does my going to work "take time away" from my loved ones because I'm at work?

You are right in that children demand a lot of attention and time. We find it easier to just be closed in the parenting stage of life. Volunteering with kids to babysit or in church nurseries is how we did the "the try before you buy" thing when we were decided whether or not to have more. We did it for a year and then said "Thanks! That was fun!" and decided we did NOT want more children to have to keep track of.

Lots of years ago I had promised I'd always be there for him, and I'd never forgive myself if something bad happened to him and I never even tried.

You sounded like you were shooting for a romance there going after the ex again. Not going for supportive friendship.

Are you good at keeping the emotional boundaries?

Between the abandonment issues and then not really know for sure what you want in terms of your rship wants, needs, limits and then sounding kinda blurry there with exes as friends and exes not being so ex any more...

Sounds messy for you right now. :(

GG
 
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That's good you own that. But are you able to work on your abandonment issues? It's not going to help future relationships if you come across as uber clingy. :(

I've been trying to. I don't have access to my university's psychologist because it's summer, but just today I ordered a self-help book about overcoming abandonment issues. It's a work in progess.

This baffles me -- how are you lying to yourself?

I guess it feels like to me that I have to swap one set of "social behaviors" for another. Like for example, I would like to treat someone as "lover" because that's how I feel, but I'm forced to treat them as "friend" instead, and if it goes on for long enough it feels like it's more of a double life...that I love them on the inside but I'm forced not to on the outside. This incongruity is very upsetting for me because I'm not being true to my feelings.

I don't see how maintaining a schedule is taking time away from anyone. Does my going to work "take time away" from my loved ones because I'm at work?

Well...yeah. If I wasn't spending time with one of them, I'd be with the other. If neither me nor my partner had to work, we'd probably spend that time with each other. Doing anything else is a reduction of time. Whether that's GOOD or BAD depends on the circumstances and the people involved...

Are you good at keeping the emotional boundaries?

Nope, I'm terrible at it. I'm generally bad at controlling my feelings. Though I did expect from the outset that trying to help him was going to hurt me in some way or another.

And yeah, my life is pretty messy right now...and I feel like it's just going to get messier. :/
 
And this is bad because? Can't it be strokes for you?

"Yay! I am loveable! Unfortunate that the wants, needs and limits don't line up right yet, but I am loveable!"

About this. This is also especially hurtful sometimes because I feel like being poly makes me unloveable. That if I was mono and I felt like I only had room in my heart for one person only, then all of them would want to date me. If I consider my love to be so great that I want to love all of them--then I can date none of them, because then they don't want me anymore. Not if I'm poly. And this is especially baffling because I thought that love is something to be encouraged rather than limited...but what society is telling me is that to be a loveable human being, you must only have enough room in your heart for one person...that you must love less.
 
A few things:

I really wouldn't dwell on the thought of future children and all that right now.

Yes, you being poly does not make you suitable for a lot of people. And that is okay. There is nothing wrong with not being suitable for everyone you want to be suitable for. Do you really wanna date them all? You're one person. This need to be desired by whomever... it's not good. It's not good at all.

Society has told us all that the right way to love (romantically) is from one person to another. Clearly enough human beings have realized and recognized that despite what society has conditioned us to believe, we still feel the way we feel. We still love more than one. We still desire intimacy with more than one. Yes, we're made to feel bad about it.

But is this YOUR life to live, or someone else's?
 
I really wouldn't dwell on the thought of future children and all that right now.

I wish that was possible...but I'm not a kid anymore (regardless of how I feel), and most people want to have children before they're 30. It's something that they want and that they would expect of me...but I can't take care of a pet, much less a child. There's a very real possibility I may never feel ready to have children. And that's very scary for people that would otherwise expect children within a few years. It could make or break a relationship.

Yes, you being poly does not make you suitable for a lot of people. And that is okay. There is nothing wrong with not being suitable for everyone you want to be suitable for. Do you really wanna date them all? You're one person. This need to be desired by whomever... it's not good. It's not good at all.

I know I have problems, and that I need to deal with them. I need to have a healthy relationship with myself before I can have a healthy relationship with another person...but I still feel like I want and need the love and security of a relationship. I feel off-center otherwise...like a vagabond, without a home. Lost. So for me, love is both the poison and the cure...

It's complicated to explain exactly what I want...in a perfect world, I'd like to have a regular married life with multiple people instead of just one. And it would be one happy family. Because married life is what they want and I want to be that for them. I want to be everything to them, play wifey and all those things...I know this is impossible...I have no idea where children fit into this, and it's a logistical nightmare given society's disapproval (nevermind their own objections)....but I feel like that's what my heart wants. But to be honest to myself, I must lie to others...? I can't ever imagine myself lying to people about my relationships.

I know I can't be with everyone that's interested in me...but I don't want to reject them either. I want to be in their lives, and I want to be free to love them, whichever form that love takes. It'd be a whole range of emotions, most falling between friend and lover in that gray zone so unfamiliar to conventional monogamy. And I don't want the people I love to push me aside or force me to break away just because they found someone else.

But is this YOUR life to live, or someone else's?

Yeah, it's my life to live. I feel grateful that I even have the option of choosing what it is I want to do with it. But the way I see it, in order to live a poly life according to my ideals, I'd have to become a sort of martyr, suffering for my honesty and loving without expecting anything in return (because most of the people I'll ever love will reject me). Yeah, it's my life. But I hate that this is how I have to live it.
 
You really are taking a very dismal, all-or-nothing, defeatist attitude. I think you need to start looking at the things you are grateful for and count your blessings every day. Do things to boost your self-esteem and enjoyment of life in general. And know that there are plenty of people out there who would be happy in a childfree poly relationship. You will meet them if the energy you project is a positive, uplifting one. But if you are so down on yourself and negative about life, no one will be attracted to that.
 
That's cool that you are working on the abandonment issues. I hope you are working on the self esteem too and working on BEING OK wanting what you want from life. And BEING OK if that doesn't always line up with other people's wants.

Life is totally fair -- we all get one life to lead. Our OWN. I know several people who want to be childfree and are -- you don't HAVE to have kids.

I need to have a healthy relationship with myself before I can have a healthy relationship with another person...but I still feel like I want and need the love and security of a relationship. I feel off-center otherwise...like a vagabond, without a home. Lost. So for me, love is both the poison and the cure...

I have to go with nycindie. And I agree with the first part. A healthy rship with yourself first.

But you really don't need a relationship to define you. Wanting to be in one is fine. You even have a BF already!

But I do not agree with the idea that it is the "cure." If anything if you are not secure in yourself you are going to be all "ACK!" in relationship. Every little bump that comes along shaking down your whole inner world and self worth. And that's just in mono -- never mind the complex polymath.

Your self-esteem seems based on the outside of you. External factors -- what other people think, what other people want, what you perceive "society" thinks of you. You are tangling up social reputation with self esteem there a bit.

You are too fluid. Like water going all over the place with no shape. Why is your self esteem not based from the inside? Where you are the internal authority of your inner world and your saying to yourself that you are good enough makes you good enough? We ALL have our special skills and talents, our strengths and weaknesses. Good self esteem accepts that -- "hey! I have these good areas and strengths, and in these areas I'm weak. I still have something to offer! "

If you do not know how to validate your own self NO amount of external validation will be enough. You'll feel the temporary feel-good hit, and then want another. If you keep pushing partner to be your filler-upper with the feel good hits, you become uber clingy/suffocating. Like a black hole that he can never fill up. And it is true. He cannot. Because only you can plug the leak inside you and heal your self esteem by changing your negative thought patterns.

Keep trying on that. Even water can firm up a bit and be ice with a shape on its own and not needing any outside container to define it. Don't feed the bad wolf.

Think about moving yourself up higher on the emotional guidance scale. You sound like you hang out in black and deep purple and red.

http://www.beyond-the-law-of-attraction.org/image-files/how-to-law-of-attraction.gif

Here it is in spiral model.

https://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/376825_485041201522876_331598624_n.jpg

THAT is what centers you -- how you talk to yourself inside you and whether or not you keep your thoughts in good order. To come in at middle contentment -- at about a 7. Good enough happiness most of the time is passing grade. 70% is a C in school -- that passing average and there is NOTHING wrong with that! Most of the time, you can spiral up to a little better. But if most of the time you are content, and sometimes extra happy, then life feels pretty satisfying.

NOBODY can expect A+ perfection at all times! That's not realistic.

My Dad suffers from bad self esteem and other issues and he goes to group. I don't know if there's a chapter near you but in case there is...

http://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org/system/recovery-international-language.asp

HTH!
GG
 
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You're right that I should see myself in a better light. While I definitely do have low self-esteem right now (due to my issues with abandonment and poly), it hasn't always been that way...and I don't consider myself a people pleaser. In fact, one of my big problems is that I'm selfish, stubborn and I'm often oblivious to the feelings of others...until I mess up and conflict happens, then I just feel bad about myself.

I'm a terrible mish-mash of attitudes, because although I'm emotionally dependent on other people, I'm ideologically VERY independent, and I have a dominant streak. I would never compromise my own ideals for anyone else. I also have a childish attitude of how-I-want-it-when-I-want-it, which I'm trying to work on. It's terrible, because in my last relationship, at one point he was more like my father than an actual lover, and that just fostered more dependence. It was difficult breaking away from him because I felt like I needed him.

I tend to be domineering in my relationships, but I do also want to be whatever the other person wants me to be. For example, I enjoy catering to their fetishes even if it's something I'm neutral about. I do this because I want to see them happy. I want to be the person they want while still being true to my own desires. I do not like doing things just because I'm expected to, much less if it's something I personally don't want to do. (This is where the issue of child-rearing comes in.) I'm extremely honest about what I want and do not want, which can be off-putting to a lot of people who would think I'm being blunt and rude.

And while I'm aware that there are people out there who would be happy in a childfree poly relationship, I'm not sure if that's the type of person I'd be attracted to. I feel like that type of person would be a sort of free-spirit, sexually permissive type of person with lots of partners and I'm just not interested in that. I'm more into the shy, intellectual guy with a goofy sense of humor. But I suppose everything exists in this world, so perhaps I should embark on this search for "the one" who would have all those qualities I desire? (I'm a bit bitter about this whole affair.)

I guess, maybe, it's not all bad...my "friend" has expressed fear and uncertainty about a possible poly relationship, but he told me that he's not going to give up until he tries, and if he can't do the poly thing himself, that he'd stick with me until I find someone who can be that for me. He really is an amazing person. And though sometimes I feel like I'm just a giant pain in the ass, there must be something good about me if he's decided to stick around.
 
I don't mean this unkindly -- but have you had a check up? You sound kinda "splitting" in your thinking. Google it.

Reminds me so much of my dad and his "black and white" thinking patterns. All or nothing. HIGHS or loooooows. (He's also bipolar)

This goes beyond my experience so I don't really have anything more to add other than I am glad you are trying to work on yourself and I hope you move into a more positive headspace. I live with Dad's probs so I know how rough it is for him. But I don't really live it MYSELF so... I'm only looking in on it second hand. I don't wear the shoes.

I'd strongly encourage checking out Low's group if you have a chapter nearby though.

GL!

GG
 
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I can definitely sympathize with a lot of what you're feeling now. I have been there myself in the past.

I know you said you can't access you school's psychiatrist because it is summer, but could you possibly find another one? Maybe you could check with student services to see if they do offer some sort of care in the 'off season' or if they could suggest another doc or therapist who could work with you. At the very least, having someone you can talk to who *legally* can't blab about what you share with them can be very freeing and it's good to have a professional to help guide you through the process of figuring yourself out and accepting yourself fully. It's not about finding a doc to "fix" you, but rather someone to support and guide you. It can also be helpful to speak to a psychiatrist to rule out any possible chemical imbalances, as GalaGirl mentioned. I'm not suggesting that this must be an issue for you, just that it could be a possibility and treating an underlying condition can help make things much easier when it comes to self-esteem, abandonment issues, and relationship issues. Sometimes you need a little assistance to get your thinking back on track and see all the possibilities. (I have firsthand experience with this as well and would be more than happy to talk privately about any of it if you'd like.)

I definitely agree with the comment about being overly fluid, like water taking on the shape of its container. I have described myself that way at times. It's a slippery slope and makes it easy to 'lose yourself' in the process of trying to adapt to other people. Total reliance on other people's happiness and approval for your own positive feelings is not healthy. You mention feeling responsible for your ex's well-being and other people's emotions as well as feeling like you "need" your partner and rely on them like an authority figure. These things (and a few others) definitely throw up a bit of a red flag to me that you may be experiencing some codependency issues. It might be worth looking into some things on that topic. Melody Beattie has some great books about letting go of the overwhelming *need* for other people and learning to focus on being there for yourself first, which allows you to really be present with other people and appreciate your relationships for what they are, not to have to force them or use them to meet all your needs. (Again, this is an issue I have personal experience with and would be more than happy to talk about more if you'd like.)

Along the same vein, you mentioned that as far as your time goes, if you aren't with one partner you would be with the other. The concern here is, where is your "me time"? Do you feel you must be with a partner at all times? Some people need more time than others outside of their relationships but everyone should have a little breathing room from time to time. As tempting as it may be, especially in multi-partner situations where time is an important and finite asset, it's just not healthy to need to be with a partner (one or more than one) at all times. It can also be very taxing on you partner(s) to feel they must be there constantly and lose their individuality or personal time. Rather than just being together and close, people can end up enmeshed and unable to distinguish their own value outside the relationship or their wants and needs from the other person.

There are certain things that you should know your boundaries on and not compromise. You definitely shouldn't feel pressured into having children if you feel you are not ready or don't want to just because you assume it's what you have to do or it's what someone else wants. And you have to live by your own time table, not assume you must have kids by 30 or you have failed someone.

It is tempting to want to please everybody all the time but it's just not possible. You have to figure out where you stand on things and what you need, and be able to value yourself separate from your worth in a relationship before you can really bring all you have to offer into a healthy relationship. Trying to please your partner all the time is not fair to you or to them. It's all about finding balance. You can't expect a relationship or another person (or people) to provide you with all of your self worth and value and to meet your every need. It's just not possible or healthy.
 
I'm a terrible mish-mash of attitudes, because although I'm emotionally dependent on other people, I'm ideologically VERY independent, and I have a dominant streak. I would never compromise my own ideals for anyone else.

......

I tend to be domineering in my relationships, but I do also want to be whatever the other person wants me to be.
I think that these two quotes show the major contradiction that you have going on in yourself, because they just don't match. The second part says that you absolutely WOULD compromise your ideals in order to have a relationship with someone else.

So which is it? Because it really can't be both.

I strongly believe that the first step to working things out is to really know yourself, and be brutally honest with yourself. Come up with a picture of the person you are, and see if your actions reflect that or if there are contradictions, like the one above. If there are contradictions, try to use those to modify your self-image to fit that. Keep doing that until you feel you have a good idea of who you are, flaws and all.

THEN you can start to work on those flaws. If you don't have a good picture of yourself then you're not going to be able to do much in the way of successful work on yourself, and a professional really won't be able to help you much.

IF you are poly, then that is you. How much are you willing to compromise that in order to have a relationship? Would you die your hair (or shave it off), get a tattoo, vote for the other party in an election, change your religion (or adopt one). How much or little are you willing to give up to make a relationship work? There's no right or wrong answer to this - it is who you are. For each of the things that you are willing to give up, how much would you resent the fact that you had to give it up?

You have a long road ahead of you, and I wish you luck on your journey. If you work on it, then things WILL get easier, believe me. Make a conscious decision to start this work on yourself.
 
I'm extremely honest about what I want and do not want, which can be off-putting to a lot of people who would think I'm being blunt and rude.

Like,
'Hi potentialPolyPerson, you seem interesting, I'd like to date you. I'm not interested in having children, how do you feel about children?'

That's not rude in the least (well, it might be if the second or third sentence you ever utter to said person. But somewhere in the first date, or email, isn't rude at all.)

And while I'm aware that there are people out there who would be happy in a childfree poly relationship, I'm not sure if that's the type of person I'd be attracted to. I feel like that type of person would be a sort of free-spirit, sexually permissive type of person with lots of partners and I'm just not interested in that. I'm more into the shy, intellectual guy with a goofy sense of humor.

Okay, so I'm new-ish to poly, but 'shy, intellectual, and goofy' would describe almost ALL of my partners in my life (and I've had a lot, as a serial monogamist). Every single one of them did not want children, just like me.

I wish more intellectual people would have children (unfortunately, many do not).

But I suppose everything exists in this world, so perhaps I should embark on this search for "the one" who would have all those qualities I desire? (I'm a bit bitter about this whole affair.)

I can see your bitterness. I'm so sad that you're hurting. But that's the whole gorgeousness of poly. You don't have to search for 'the one.' You can search for the many!

How about one intellectual, goofy-humoured, child-free guy, maybe he's not shy and he can help you find a nice shy, intellectual, child-free, maybe not so goofy guy for another boyfriend?
 
I think that these two quotes show the major contradiction that you have going on in yourself, because they just don't match. The second part says that you absolutely WOULD compromise your ideals in order to have a relationship with someone else.

So which is it? Because it really can't be both.

.....

IF you are poly, then that is you. How much are you willing to compromise that in order to have a relationship? Would you die your hair (or shave it off), get a tattoo, vote for the other party in an election, change your religion (or adopt one). How much or little are you willing to give up to make a relationship work? There's no right or wrong answer to this - it is who you are. For each of the things that you are willing to give up, how much would you resent the fact that you had to give it up?

Well for me, I don't think it's a contradiction because although I may change some behaviors to please them (like wearing clothing I think they'd like more often), I would never compromise my ideals (or if you prefer, my principles) for someone. I would never lie (to myself or otherwise) to please anyone, because that goes against my core ideal of honesty. I wouldn't change my beliefs for anyone either. I always stay myself, it's just the little things I do to please them, because I want them to be happy.


I strongly believe that the first step to working things out is to really know yourself, and be brutally honest with yourself. Come up with a picture of the person you are, and see if your actions reflect that or if there are contradictions, like the one above. If there are contradictions, try to use those to modify your self-image to fit that. Keep doing that until you feel you have a good idea of who you are, flaws and all.

THEN you can start to work on those flaws. If you don't have a good picture of yourself then you're not going to be able to do much in the way of successful work on yourself, and a professional really won't be able to help you much.

-snip-

You have a long road ahead of you, and I wish you luck on your journey. If you work on it, then things WILL get easier, believe me. Make a conscious decision to start this work on yourself.

I try to know myself. It was through introspection that I realized that all of my annoying bad habits were because I have abandonment issues. My psychologist was surprised because she told me that she doesn't often get people who know what their problems are. I actually used to have really high self-esteem. I thought I was the queen of the world and that men would grovel at my feet. It was after some serious introspection that I realized that I'm really not all that--I have my good qualities but I have my fair share of problems too, that I need to work on. I'm less happy with myself now, but I can live with that...I'd rather know myself for who I am than be a narcissistic fool.
 
I don't mean this unkindly -- but have you had a check up? You sound kinda "splitting" in your thinking. Google it.

Reminds me so much of my dad and his "black and white" thinking patterns. All or nothing. HIGHS or loooooows. (He's also bipolar)

I looked this up and it doesn't seem like me at all, though I have a tendency to overreact to bad things. Thanks for the suggestions, though.
 
I'm learning that if you want to truly be happy you have to be with people who will accept you for who you are. Now that I know I am officially poly, any guy I date has to know and accept that this is what I am, and that I will not change in a relationship.
You seem to be dating people who won't accept that aspect of you? I'm experiencing firsthand how much hurt can come from that. :( When I realised I am poly my ex wouldn't accept it, and while we still both care deeply about each other and have admitted as much, and are there for each other as friends, we are at a complete stalemate and know that we can never be together. It hurts a lot.
Please do yourself a favour and tell people you are interested in upfront that you are poly. A lot of hurt comes from not being open about that, especially once deep feelings are admitted :(
 
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