Hi...and need Sanity Check

ALpolyman

New member
Hi. My wife and I are new to poly. I am 34 and my wife is 32. We discovered that we like the idea of poly from that Married and Dating show on Showtime. While the show seemed to border of soft porn, it at least opened up our eyes to what we've been feeling for a few years. We've since read a plethora of poly info and talked about various aspects of it and it seems like that's what we want to do. As such, I just want to make sure that I am poly for the right reasons...or just not poly at all.

For many years I've always thought that it seemed weird in our society to pick one person to be with for the rest of your lives. Part of this stems from the fact that I was married previously for 10 years but always wondered why it's not ok to explore relationships outside of marriage. At that time though, I was heavily guided by religion and church. While I'm not here to bash organized religion, I would only like to say that once I figured out that I need to make my own decisions in life, that anything was possible. So, I got divorced because we just weren't right for each other. It was an amicable agreement so we parted on good terms. As a side note, I'm a very open and honest person (sometimes to a fault) and I'm a "man of my word". I never cheated. Then, I met my current wife and we are great for each other. While we are polar opposites, we definitely agree that poly seems right. I suppose my point is: I relish the idea of exploring other relationships with other women. My wife feels the same way...she's bisexual or at least wants to be. I feel as though mankind is hardwired to not be bound to one person, though it certainly works for many. And this is not about sex per se though it's a component of romantic relationships, but rather, it's about the relationship itself. Our end goal is to form a triad but those are so darned hard to find. It seems easier to date other open people and see where things go.

Does this sound like I'm on the right track in poly? We want to give it a shot and continue to educate ourselves.
 
Hey! Welcome!

Interesting to hear about someone becoming interested in Poly from that show, I found it SO annoyingly sex focused I wondered if it would turn people off! ;)

Anyway, you are definitely on the right track, date separately, see how you feel, how you cope, how you both handle jealousy and conflict.

And keep up that communication, you will find it will be non stop processing at first.

Good Luck!
 
Hey! Welcome!

Interesting to hear about someone becoming interested in Poly from that show, I found it SO annoyingly sex focused I wondered if it would turn people off! ;)

Anyway, you are definitely on the right track, date separately, see how you feel, how you cope, how you both handle jealousy and conflict.

And keep up that communication, you will find it will be non stop processing at first.

Good Luck!

Honestly, we never knew what poly was until we saw the show. The whole thing started out because my wife and I wanted to have sex with another woman. But, it was more than just sex. It also requires an emotional bond and not be a one-time fling. The idea of a relationship with other people then grew on us. The idea of a triad seems great but so difficult to achieve and seemingly unrealistic to start off with. Anyway, this prompted us to research it more and we were like "hey, there's a growing community of poly folk out there and I want to give it a try".

My only problem with communication is that I'm a detailed oriented person who reads a bunch, analyzes and studies, then tries to apply it. My wife on the other hand is an impatient "type A" who wants the Cliff Notes version. So, trying to get her to read the same stuff I do is difficult. She's the type that once the conversation is over, then it's over. I have to talk about it in short bursts and then move on. I can see this being a hurdle and I can make it work as long as I continue to pay attention to her. I have a bad tendency to go overboard with something new so I have to try to slow down a little and make sure and keep focus with what's important. Anyway, anybody here experience the same thing with their SO?
 
Welcome to the forum! Sounds like you are starting your poly journey well :)

My only problem with communication is that I'm a detailed oriented person who reads a bunch, analyzes and studies, then tries to apply it. My wife on the other hand is an impatient "type A" who wants the Cliff Notes version. So, trying to get her to read the same stuff I do is difficult. She's the type that once the conversation is over, then it's over. I have to talk about it in short bursts and then move on. I can see this being a hurdle and I can make it work as long as I continue to pay attention to her. I have a bad tendency to go overboard with something new so I have to try to slow down a little and make sure and keep focus with what's important. Anyway, anybody here experience the same thing with their SO?

Oh, yes! This sounds very much like me and my husband. I do not even try to make him read the stuff I do... heck, I don't think he has bothered reading anything on this forum though he knows I read it regularly. He is just not interested. He lives his life, lives with me, goes on dates himself, is friendly with my OSO... and does not want too much theoretical information.

To me, that is really no problem. I find all the reading I do to be constructive and I myself have been quite well prepared for different things and emotions that have come along, and IMO it helps my partners as well. I can do all my theoretical ponderings with other people, like here on this forum for example - and still have good enough communication with my husband about everything that really matters. My OSO is rather more receptive to the theoretical part as well, which is nice.
 
Welcome to the forum! Sounds like you are starting your poly journey well :)



Oh, yes! This sounds very much like me and my husband. I do not even try to make him read the stuff I do... heck, I don't think he has bothered reading anything on this forum though he knows I read it regularly. He is just not interested. He lives his life, lives with me, goes on dates himself, is friendly with my OSO... and does not want too much theoretical information.

To me, that is really no problem. I find all the reading I do to be constructive and I myself have been quite well prepared for different things and emotions that have come along, and IMO it helps my partners as well. I can do all my theoretical ponderings with other people, like here on this forum for example - and still have good enough communication with my husband about everything that really matters. My OSO is rather more receptive to the theoretical part as well, which is nice.

Interesting. So when you do have to communicate about the things that matter, then do you have to find ways to keep it short and to the point?
 
Pet peeves

My wife feels the same way...she's bisexual or at least wants to be

Sorry, but it bugs me when people talk about "wanting to be" bisexual. Bisexuality is an orientation, just like straight or gay. If I, as a bisexual woman, have a relationship with a woman, it is not a "lesbian experience," it is simply an experience with a woman. It doesn't mean I temporarily stopped being attracted to men. I'm not gay for her, but straight for him.

Anyway, rant over :)
 
Not singling you out.... God's I got in trouble for "flaming... but as surprised to run across... what made sense... an intelligent remark, in point... where not being "bi oriented for anyone" and then, being het for him met...I was kind of muddled... not that I don't suppose there's a kind of Mulligetawny soup in all relationshps. Love is strange...
 
Sorry, but it bugs me when people talk about "wanting to be" bisexual. Bisexuality is an orientation, just like straight or gay. If I, as a bisexual woman, have a relationship with a woman, it is not a "lesbian experience," it is simply an experience with a woman.

Anyway, rant over :)
Or even saying they want a bisexual experience with a woman :eek:

Or triad couples in union saying they want a bisexual relationship....argh!!!

Terminology drives me nuts buuuuuuuuuuuuut they are often mistakes made by people not well versed in either the LGBT or Poly community and it is a little unfair to be too hard on them.
 
As such, I just want to make sure that I am poly for the right reasons...or just not poly at all.

I personally don't believe in "right reasons" for most things, especially something like "being poly." There are just reasons. Sometimes there are no reasons, and that's ok too.

Oh, yes! This sounds very much like me and my husband. I do not even try to make him read the stuff I do... heck, I don't think he has bothered reading anything on this forum though he knows I read it regularly. He is just not interested.

Diddo! My husband isn't poly, but he's accepting that I am. He's willing to listen to me when I need to talk about things, and if there's something I believe he needs to know, he's willing to learn it from me. But I don't think it would be fair for me to expect him to read a whole bunch of books about something that isn't his thing. Besides, all the books in the world wouldn't be about ME and MY poly. Other people might have similar experiences, but really the best way to learn about me is talking to me.

He would probably love it if I could give him Cliffnotes versions of what goes through my head. I'm not there yet, mostly because I figure out what's in my head by talking it out. So I try my best not to go on and on and on and on, and he tries his best to listen when I go on and on (only 2 ons instead of 4.)
 
Or even saying they want a bisexual experience with a woman :eek:

Or triad couples in union saying they want a bisexual relationship....argh!!!

Terminology drives me nuts buuuuuuuuuuuuut they are often mistakes made by people not well versed in either the LGBT or Poly community and it is a little unfair to be too hard on them.

Are they "mistakes" because they contradict a big book of LGBT definitions that has been voted and approved by all members of the LGBT so-called community? Or are they simply different ways of seeing things from the way you see them?

Just because you came into it one way doesn't mean it's that way for everyone. Whether or not you think it's correct, for some people maybe it is a "bisexual experience." It's not your experience - why do you get to choose what it's called?

While I personally wouldn't want to use someone just to be my "bisexual experience / relationship," I think that as long as they're open and upfront about that, then what's the big deal?

As a person who rejects labels, my knee-jerk reaction is to remove them in every context. In our bi group, I learned that labels are incredibly important to a lot of people. So I had to adjust my thinking to acknowledge that while I may reject labels for myself, I don't have the right to deny the labels that others have chosen for themselves. So if someone chooses to label it as a bisexual or lesbian experience, who gives you the authority to take that away from them?
 
Interesting. So when you do have to communicate about the things that matter, then do you have to find ways to keep it short and to the point?

Yes, definitely. SchrodingersCat put it nicely:

He would probably love it if I could give him Cliffnotes versions of what goes through my head. I'm not there yet, mostly because I figure out what's in my head by talking it out. So I try my best not to go on and on and on and on, and he tries his best to listen when I go on and on (only 2 ons instead of 4.)

I have noticed that for me it is best to do the figuring out my thoughts with someone else first and then give him a short(ish, it is really hard to keep it very short) version of the most important things. Often I talk hours on the phone with my female friends or spend a whole weekend with my OSO more or less trying to figure out something, and then give my husband a summary of all that.
 
While I personally wouldn't want to use someone just to be my "bisexual experience / relationship," I think that as long as they're open and upfront about that, then what's the big deal?

It has nothing to do with labels, I am quite ambivalent about the whole label debate and fairly happy to accept whatever people feel about what they want to call themselves.

It is because bisexuality is an orientation and it simply doesn't make sense in a threesome activity. If a man is in bed with a woman the sex he is having is not "bisexual sex' no matter what the other two women (or visa versa in the case of a MFM threesome) and that niggles at my pedantic nature.

It has nothing to do with the LGBT community because I am pretty sure they don't spend spend many hours figuring out the proper way to refer to a threesome but I daresay I am still correct that the people who use those terms are not well versed in LGBT politics.

So if someone chooses to label it as a bisexual or lesbian experience, who gives you the authority to take that away from them?

I am not taking anything from anyone, I am expressing an opinion on a internet forum and I don't think hysterical language like I am 'taking' something from someone is very helpful now is it?
 
Hysterical is a sexist term used to silence women.
 
It's all just language, and honestly she may not know she's bisexual. I didn't, not for a long time. I convinced myself for YEARS that being attracted to women was just because society made it such a big deal. Of COURSE I think that girl looks good, they take the picture to make her look sexy! So yeah of course that's what I think! Even in the queer community there are people that are down on bisexuals, so coming out can be hard. A lot of women especially will use the term bi-curious because they just aren't sure.

Given time I've learned I'm not bisexual. It makes it seem like I am attracted equally to men and women. I consider myself pansexual, since it's been men, women, trans, in betweens! If OP and his wife are at the beginning of this journey, semantics are going to be off and honestly, they aren't even sure yet of sexuality or orientation or relationship model, so I say, cut some slack with semantics.
 
so I say, cut some slack with semantics.

I do Vixtoria, I actually wrote:

Terminology drives me nuts buuuuuuuuuuuuut they are often mistakes made by people not well versed in either the LGBT or Poly community and it is a little unfair to be too hard on them.


Which is why I didn't understand the emotive response from SchrodingersCat because I quite clearly said not to be too hard on them (I don't tend to call people out for that kind of thing it's just a personal bugbear) I was commiserating with Flowerchild, not insulting anyone.
 
I quite clearly said not to be too hard on them

That's very generous of you :)

Who knows what might befall them otherwise? A visit from the Political Correctness police? (This is a joke Natja, relax).

Who cares what people call themselves? At the end of the day language is very often an imprecise attempt to communicate what is going on inside human beings. Since so much of who we are is impossible to communicate rationally it's amazing we manage at all!

BTW I know that in my triad experiences there has been lots of bi-sexual 'energy' bouncing about. There might be another more accurate way to express male/female and female/female concurrent activity however. I'm open to suggestions...
 
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Compromise?

How about we just don't use "bisexual" as an adjective for anything involving men and women at the same time? That doesn't make you, or the person bisexual....it just makes you, maybe bi-curious, if anything.

For that matter, I hate terms like "gay marriage" as well. It's just marriage...that happens to be with two of the same sex.
 
WOW! It appears that I've sparked some conversation since yesterday. On the topic of my wife being "bisexual"...explaining that is like a non-engineer explaining an engineering concept to a group of engineers. What I am trying to convey is that my wife has more of an interest in women than she does men. She thinks that women are beautiful, sensual creatures. Men and penises just aren't as sexy. She also had a 10 minute "lesbian experience" years ago before we got together where her and another woman were kissing and touching each other but didn't go any further because it was in a party-type environment. It was at that moment that she realized that she's interested in women too. Here's where it gets a little strange however. My wife gets along better with men than women, or so she says. I'm not trying to stereotype but she's a straight shooter and despises drama (I'm not trying to say that women are drama filled but I guess her experiences have shaped her). We are both as drama free as possible. In a way, this almost seems a bit contradictory that she makes a statement like that and at the same time, is interested in women. We can be out in public and she'll see me eyeing a hot girl and she'll say "yeah, I'd do her too". And the reason why poly seems like more of a fit for us is we want a consistent relationship where possible instead of just swinging. There needs to be an emotional connection, especially for me. I've never been able to separate the two actually.

Anyway, I digress. The short answer here is she's more interested in women than men and I'm interested in women. We want meaningful relationships and a triad would be the ideal situation but it appears that getting there will require us to venture off on our own until it can evolve to that.
 
Hi ALpolyman,

Arriving late to the conversation here, but I just wanted to give you my welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have a sensible head on your shoulders with respect to how to approach this poly thing. Use polyamory.com in addition to find out information, what does and doesn't work, and to post questions or concerns whenever you have them.

Hope you find that triad you're looking for when the time is right. Good to have you aboard.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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