Well that was a dead end

LostInCanada

New member
I asked my boyfriend if he would consider having a relationship with the guy we've been talking to, and whom he wants to be his friend with benefits. His response? A resounding no. But, then here's the kicker. He wants the guy to be only with him sexually. I told him that he can't expect him to just fuck him and be happy, especially when he's bicurious. I told him he's gonna probably want to be with a girl at some point. To which my boyfriend replied that that's fine as long as we know who it is and that he gets tested. Ok, well that's fair enough I thought. But then he adds on that he definitely doesn't want me and the other guy to be together sexually. I wish I could open up his mind some more, but for the time being it seems to be completely closed shut.
 
Wern't you and you bf initally going to be together with the new guy which is why you were looking?

You found him and now you're on the outside looking in. It sounds like you and your BF need a real good talk as it sounds like he changed his mind midstream.
 
Wern't you and you bf initally going to be together with the new guy which is why you were looking?

You found him and now you're on the outside looking in. It sounds like you and your BF need a real good talk as it sounds like he changed his mind midstream.

No this is what initially going to happen. My boyfriend and the new guy would sleep together and the new guy and I would be friends and nothing more. The only time I would join in would be to watch them or have my boyfriend have sex with me while he got fucked by the other guy, or let the other guy watch us have sex. Of course I wasn't expecting to get along with the new guy so much or for us to kinda "click" I guess you could say. I mean I would still be ok with all of that happening, despite my little crush. But if that's going to happen I don't think my boyfriend should expect the new guy to just be like "oh yeah, that's fine and I won't have sex with anyone else or try to find someone for myself". That's just stupid and selfish.

Also I don't get why he won't let the guy have sex with me, but he's ok with him watching me masturbate. That makes absolutely no sense in my head. But he did say that he hopes that I don't get mad because he now gets to be with other guys, and I have to stay monogamous. And yes, he said guys as in plural, but he wants me and the new guy to just be with him. I'm now frustrated.
 
Last edited:
Double Standard

That does sound frustrating. PolyCYNM is still right though, you two need to sit down and talk. Though it sounds like you've already told each other what you wanted - only you were told "no, you can't have what you want".

I'm not sure what to recommend beyond making sure that you are completely unambiguous about your desires. After that, if you are still required to be monogamous and you want to be otherwise - it sounds like a change is in order. At least that's my personal take.
 
Before you get too much deeper then, renegotiate the terms.

It's perfectly valid to go into a thing and make self discoveries that could change the name of the game. We can't anticipate everything! But the thing to do then is go back to the negotiation table and work out the next working game plan for THIS stage.

Sounds like initially you were looking for something like a "closed polyfi V" kinda of situation with your BF as the hinge person with the arms of the V not having anyone but him and him having just you two. And with your crush on the OSO, hoping it could extend to triad perhaps.

And now BF wants it morphing into something like he wants to have you two but not be closed in his end, yet you all remain mono-closed to him. If that is what you all want and it's your pleasure, yay. If you all have not signed off on that structure for this next stage... he is being very cavalier and presumptuous with his people and their own wants, needs, limits.

But he did say that he hopes that I don't get mad because he now gets to be with other guys, and I have to stay monogamous.

He doesn't just "get" to be with other guys. He wants this, it may not be yours and it needs to be negotiated.

You do not "have" to stay monogamous. This is his want. It may not be yours.

He "hopes" you don't get mad? He may actually hope that. But it is ridiculous to hope someone would be thrilled to have their life dictated to them even down to how they should be feeling!

Or more sinister -- he's not hoping. It's also another order. He gets to be with other guys, you have to stay monogamous, and you cannot be upset by all that. Stat!

Kinda fresh.

GG
 
Last edited:
Thank you for the responses everyone. I know I do need to talk to him about everything, because I don't know where he got some of these new ideas from. They weren't run by me or the new guy at that.

Sounds like initially you were looking for something like a "closed polyfi V" kinda of situation with your BF as the hinge person with the arms of the V not having anyone but him and him having just you two. And with your crush on the OSO, hoping it could extend to triad perhaps.

You hit the nail right on the head with this! I was initially hoping for it to be just a closed polyfi V type of relationship between the three of us. It wasn't until I found the right guy that I started wondering if maybe we could have a triad possibly in the future. Because honestly if it wasn't him in particular, I probably would still want just a closed V. And if my boyfriend isn't comfortable with the idea of a closed triad, then I'd still be ok with it just being a V. But now it seems he's putting his needs and wants above the needs and wants of us. I mean he's presuming the new guy will only sleep with him and not want a relationship outside of him for sex or otherwise. And he's presuming that I'll be ok with him sleeping with multiple guys, which I'm not.

We do need to talk, but I think we all need to talk since we're bringing OG into this. He deserves to have his needs and wishes met, as much as we do. I just need to get this through my boyfriend's somewhat thick head.
 
We do need to talk, but I think we all need to talk since we're bringing OG into this. He deserves to have his needs and wishes met, as much as we do.

Yup. Being the hinge person means nothing other than you are the person in common between the arms of the V.

Your hinge wants, needs, limits are not "higher" than the arm people's wants, needs and limits.

You all have to come up with your polyship's rights and responsibilities and how you will play nice together and deal with things when they come up and there's conflict or things need calling into account.

Because life being life, things WILL come up.

Get the expectations laid out, and any assumptions cleared up now while emotional weather is relatively clear and you can set up your polyship framework so you can be in right relationship with each other. Be it in sunny days or through stormy times.

GG
 
Last edited:
Yup. Being the hinge person means nothing other than you are the person in common between the arms of the V.

Your hinge wants, needs, limits are not "higher" than the arm people's wants, needs and limits.

You all have to come up with your polyship's rights and responsibilities and how you will play nice together and deal with things when they come up and there's conflict or things need calling into account.

Because life being life, things WILL come up.

Get the expectations laid out, and any assumptions cleared up now while emotional weather is relatively clear and you can set up your polyship framework so you can be in right relationship with each other. Be it in sunny days or through stormy times.

GG

Thanks for the link. OG is out of town right now on business, but when he gets back I think we should all get together and figure out what will work best for everyone and make everyone happy.
 
Oh just one thing is your bf a southern redneck man? This has the pregnant barefoot smell all over it!

Haha no he's not. He does have lingering issues from his previous relationship where his ex girlfriend cheated on him with anything that moved. So I get him being afraid I might leave, although if I wanted to do that I could've done it already. With that said, I told him when we first got together that he could sleep with another girl or guy and I'd be fine with it. And now that he's gotten comfortable with the idea of doing so, I think he's afraid that I'm gonna start screaming for equality. But really, all I want is us to be together in a closed triad or a semi closed one. I mean if OG wants to date other people, fine by me. But my boyfriend isn't gonna keep me chained to him when he has someone else already and is looking for others as well. That's not gonna fly. And if things stay as a V, I'd be content with that as well. I like him having a guy, it turns me on and makes me happy.
 
Last edited:
. . . he hopes that I don't get mad because he now gets to be with other guys, and I have to stay monogamous.
WTF? You "have to" stay monogamous? Says the dictator who thinks he can do what he wants and run your life? Um, what?

YOU have a choice. Grow a backbone, why don't you! YOU tell him what you want, and YOU are the one who chooses what you do with your life and your body. If he doesn't want to abide by it, he can walk.

Sheesh, the immature crap people put up with.
 
Oh horse pucky! Stop making excuses for his selfesh behavior and start screaming for equality! If his treating you as if you did not matter was not bothering you then this post would not be here! And furthermore trust me on this because almost every man in the sothern part of the US uses a cheating ex as an EXCUSE to be a controlling asshole with a double standard for himself and his woman! He my dear is a cheater! You have just given him permission to rub it in your face!
 
Bohemian - First of all if you paid attention to her handle, you'd realize that she isn't in the US and comparing her boyfriend to those supposed southern redneck men that you've encountered, especially the cheating part, really isn't fair since she's never said that he cheated. Since when is it cheating to have multiple relationships, sexual or otherwise, if your partner has explicitly agreed to it? She didn't give him permission to cheat and rub it in her face. *exasperated sigh*

Also, I'm wondering if everyone missed the part about them having a D/s relationship because that could effect how she goes about handling things.

LostinCanada, I am hearing that you want your boyfriend to have this relationship, but you don't want him to keep OG from seeing other people and you would prefer it if he only saw OG and not guys plural. Depending on the level of D/s in your relationship, I would suggest telling him that you aren't comfortable with him seeing multiple guys. It sounds like you are getting to spend more time with his new guy than he is and that has to sting a little. I know that you feel a connection to OG, but I would suggest keeping it to a friendship while they build their relationship. You are all new at this and rushing into asking for you to be allowed to date OG before he's really had the chance to seems a bit unfair considering what you initially agreed to. Point out to him that you and he had an agreement that you'd help him find A guy to explore his bicurious nature and you want to take things slow so you all feel comfortable with how the relationship is proceeding, including OG. Leave room to negotiate later, but suggest a period of 3-6 months, where you guys stick to the original plan?
 
Last edited:
I did indeed pay attention to her handle. I was referring to the mentality similarities of her husband with the typical southern redneck man. I do admit I missed the D/s thing. However that really does not change the fact that the man wants to have sex with homever he chooses when he chooses but god forbid his woman have the same freedom. That Bridgett IS SOUTHERN MALE MENTALITY! It has nothing to do with love. It is all about possession. He feels that he owns her and that she is his private property. Again I am only going by what she has posted here. According to what she has posted, she is not happy being restricted in her freedom of choice.
 
Let me just say, if I were the new guy and I found out that I was expected to be monogamous with your bf, even though he 1) has you, 2) isn't prepared for an emotional relationship, 3) might want to be with other guys, I would just laugh my head off and walk away. Hell any ONE of those things would be enough for me to say "wtf, no, that's a ridiculous double standard." I would encourage him to let go of that thought before even bringing it up to the new guy, because it's frankly just offensively condescending.
 
Lots of replies since I last wrote on here I see. Anyway, I did tell my boyfriend that he was crazy to expect OG to stay not see anyone else while they are together. I haven't really talked to him about us starting a relationship though, since I told him before we met OG that I was fine with him being with someone else and me staying monogamous. Of course that was before I knew OG existed, and I didn't know I'd get a crush when we met. So maybe I'm making an excuse for him, but we did talk about it before, and it was me who changed my mind on the matter, not him. Still doesn't make him right though.

On another note, I went out to lunch with OG today since he was having a crappy day and I enjoyed myself once again. :)

Let me just say, if I were the new guy and I found out that I was expected to be monogamous with your bf, even though he 1) has you, 2) isn't prepared for an emotional relationship, 3) might want to be with other guys, I would just laugh my head off and walk away. Hell any ONE of those things would be enough for me to say "wtf, no, that's a ridiculous double standard."

You're right. It is ridiculous and I'm going to talk to him more about it tonight. OG isn't actively looking for a girlfriend, but I know he wouldn't mind finding one right now. And I'm keeping our relationship as just friends right now, but eventually I wouldn't mind if it becomes more.
 
Well it isnt TOTALLY ridiculous. Perhaps OG will agree that he will try a monogamous relationship with your bf :rolleyes: That is between them. Of course I usually assume anybody who is like - hey lets be mono FWB while we aren't really friends and I have actual relationships... to be somebody who is going to be told "oh sure" and then whining a month later all surprised that a person who agreed to that went off and had their own relationships because they didn't consider your request to be real since it's so ridiculous. Hopefully if OG is thinking "no thanks I like your gf too" he manages to express that (otherwise is he really ready to be in a healthy poly relationship at all?)

YOU however, yep, sounds like you'll have more negotiating to do. I'm guessing you've written posts before but I don't recall them directly. I hope you can do a firm "these are my boundaries, and this is what I wont accept" sort of statement to your boyfriend. And yes, even a - well no, if you have sexual partners I am going to also so lets discuss the reality. check never hurts.
 
Back
Top