This is a lot of work. (TP's story, when she feels like updating)

progress

I've stopped crying. Mr. A is moving, somewhere, at some point in the near future. Most likely option right now is about 2hrs away.

I fluctuate between being okay with it, to being more upset, to being very happy for this new opportunity in his life. Right now, it's all three. With any luck, as I write this he's flying a plane he's wanted to be in for 10 years. That's pretty huge.

Part of the problem is that this was feeling like the first step in the demise of our relationship. He's going to be moving further away, not closer. I want to build a family.

But we've talked. I have no doubt that he's sincere in wanting to make this work. It's still hard though.

Indigo has been an amazing support. If my husband is reassuring me of the strength of the relationship between me and my boyfriend, well that carries a lot of weight in my eyes.

So I'm working on the things I can control. I can mourn the relationship I'd hoped for and work towards making this new one fulfilling in different ways. I can effectively communicate my needs to him. I can move our computer to a more private location so that video chats will be possible. I already know there's a bus that runs regularly to the most likely place he'll be.

Deep breaths. It won't be the same as it was, but it will still be.
 
I've stopped crying. Mr. A is moving, somewhere, at some point in the near future. Most likely option right now is about 2hrs away.

:)...2 hour is a short jaunt. Its an easy task. To put the distance into a perspective. For me to go shopping in the city is a 2 hour trip. Distance can hold its own romance. It holds a lot of power in communication etc.

Besides wouldn't it be romantic if he one day just landed on your lawn ;) Now he has a reason too haha

So I'm working on the things I can control. I can mourn the relationship I'd hoped for and work towards making this new one fulfilling in different ways. I can effectively communicate my needs to him. I can move our computer to a more private location so that video chats will be possible. I already know there's a bus that runs regularly to the most likely place he'll be.

Look into a pass of some kind. Makes the trip more inviting and less daunting. Greyhound usually has 10 or 20 ticket passes that save a crap load of money.

Its...65$ round trip to vancouver
I pay 30$ because I buy a pass

Might make the distance feel less daunting. :)

*hugs*
 
Look into a pass of some kind. Makes the trip more inviting and less daunting. Greyhound usually has 10 or 20 ticket passes that save a crap load of money.

Its...65$ round trip to vancouver
I pay 30$ because I buy a pass

Might make the distance feel less daunting. :)

*hugs*

That's a great idea. I'm almost positive Coach Canada does the same.

Thanks, Ari. :)
 
*hugs* Distance and time apart can help with the demise of a relationship (I think my work travel for the last 6 weeks of 2010 helped do my relationship in) but, I truly believe, the foundation of that relationship has to already be going through some major turmoil or not so sturdy to begin with in order for something like that to take a big toll on the relationship so ... it seems that you are safe. :) I hope you, Mr. A, and Indigo are all well.
 
A lot of things

Well, one thing. But it's affecting a lot of things.

Turns out I'm not so okay with Mr. A leaving. Oh right. I didn't mention. He got the job that's two hours away. It is a great career move for him.

It's just so much, so fast. Two weeks ago I thought we'd have a few more months together. Then I found out he'd basically lost his job here, he was leaving for training for twice as long as I'd originally thought, and hey, he had a good chance at a job at the new school. All in the same night. Since then I haven't seen him, he's gotten a new job, is looking for apartments, and is so busy that we are talking less than half an hour a day on average. This is from 3-4 nights a week spent with him.

But I've been trying to play the good, supportive girlfriend. Relationships in his past have ended over his career. He will always put that first, I believe. I didn't want to lose him because I couldn't deal with it. I didn't feel it was okay to be upset, angry, hurt.

So things came to a head last night. I've been bottling up and stuffing things down. You'd never know that if you talked to Indigo though. All of this extra tension inside me has affected our relationship. I'm snappy and angry and not being a good, supportive wife. He's also started a new job and is understandably tired and a bit on edge. I haven't been there for him because I've been sparing Mr. A my feelings.

Not cool. Not fair in the slightest.

Indigo told me to talk to Mr. A. I did. It didn't start out well. I was angry at the situation and Mr. A's apparent lack of concern for the change in our relationship. I hung up on him. Very mature. But then we talked it out over msn. I asked him to tell me how he feels, because I felt like I'm the only one feeling anything. He did. I explained how quickly things had changed from my perspective and I think that really hit home for him. He doesn't always share possibilities with me, then they become real and I'm left wondering where they came from. I don't deal well with unknowns, and that's what everything is right now. He agreed to try and nail some things down for me, such as when he's coming back. He told me it was okay to be upset. In fact it's normal to be. He's not more upset because this is the way things have always gone, and what he expects.

I really needed to hear that it was okay to feel how I did. I think that helped more than anything. A close second was him comparing us to the LDR his parents got through when they were dating. Back in the days before technology could help.

For my part, I'm not going to keep things in for his sake. It doesn't work, and just hurts everyone involved.

It is very strange to hold happiness for his new job and sorrow in my heart at the same time. One doesn't diminish the other. I wonder if this is how some feel with poly. They are happy for their love to be their true self, but mourn the relationship that was. Certainly, the future I've been working toward is much changed.

So I've taken a sick day today. I'm much in need of regrouping. I will be better in all areas of my life for the time I take today.

Indigo, thank you for kicking my ass in the right direction. I love you very much and I'm sorry for being an intolerable bitch when you needed me.

Mr. A, you'll know how I feel, all of it from now on. Remember that the joy is just as genuine in the sorrow.
 
Congrats tp, I am happy you got over that barrier. I am confident for you guys. I am sure you will work through it. Lots of great examples of what not to do in this world, use those and it might save some heartache :)
 
It really does help to have a firm date booked for when you will see each other again. As for being angry and upset, better to let it out than to let it fester.
 
A good weekend

Mr. A came up to visit this weekend. To say we had a really good time together is an understatement. It was definitely needed, after the emotional roller coaster of the past two weeks. I feel secure in our relationship and know we're both committed to not making this work, but simply letting it work.

I can't thank Indigo enough for his selflessness and compersion. I am married to an incredible man, whom I wish could see himself as I do.
 
Whew! I just finished reading your thread from beginning to end. It makes me happy to see that things CAN work and everybody can be happy in the situation. There seems to be a mix of negative and positive experiences here on the forum, and I'm aiming for a positive one... so far so good.

Keep posting, as I enjoy reading about your success, and trials and tribulations as well. I hope that things continue to work well with the longer distance between you and Mr. A. Indigo seems to be an amazing man as well!
 
Whew! I just finished reading your thread from beginning to end. It makes me happy to see that things CAN work and everybody can be happy in the situation. There seems to be a mix of negative and positive experiences here on the forum, and I'm aiming for a positive one... so far so good.

Keep posting, as I enjoy reading about your success, and trials and tribulations as well. I hope that things continue to work well with the longer distance between you and Mr. A. Indigo seems to be an amazing man as well!

:eek: Thank you, JenAgain.
 
Communication, yeah!

Two communication successes tonight.

First, talking with Mr. A ... I didn't get as much contact from him today as I might have hoped, but he's apartment hunting, as well as starting a new job. I'm also sick and this makes me sucky.

So, we Skyped tonight, had a pleasant conversation about our repective days, and I felt included in his life. He confirmed that today he was just really swamped. He didn't message me tonight because he thought I was at choir, but didn't realize how sick I am. I was happy I didn't immediately jump to the wrong conclusions about the frequency of his communications today.

At the end of the conversation, he asked if I wanted to continue to chat on MSN and I told him I felt that my needs for the day had been met (which they had been), and I would be just fine with a goodnight text as long as he was. He said this suited him just fine, and we congratulated ourselves on communicating our requirements. :)

Second success was with Indigo. I am trying to not be a judgmental bitch, as I have been in the past. I sometimes find myself looking for fault in things he does, for ... well, I don't know the reason, yet. This can take the form of watching what he does or asking questions about his views on things, then criticizing based on these findings. More often these days though, I find myself watching and asking in order to better understand, not to judge. However, apparently these two mindsets look the same from the outside. :p

Tonight, my intentions were misunderstood twice. This left me feeling crappy, not only for being misunderstood, but also for the reminder of how not nice I can be when that's the opposite of my intent.

I don't blame Indigo for his misinterpretation of my intent. I've been this way since before I met him, and was raised with this way of being and still do it, despite my best efforts. If me trying to understand him better looks and feels similar to me being a judgey arse, well I know which one I'd choose in his place!

So we sat down and I explained how I felt I had been misunderstood, though I could tell why, and that I need him to be a little more trusting of my intentions because I am trying.

He agreed to ask for clarification when he feels like I'm judging him. This serves two purposes. If I'm not judging him, then we get to carry on like real adults. If I have slipped up and am judging, this gives me the opportunity to check myself and stop.

A productive night, indeed!
 
Gosh, sometimes I feel like great communication is better than great sex (oh, well, I think of sex as a form of communication, so no wonder I correlate the two).

But really, it's so very satisfying when things fall into place like that and we gain clarity, especially after big misunderstandings. Yay!
 
If me trying to understand him better looks and feels similar to me being a judgey arse, well I know which one I'd choose in his place!

So we sat down and I explained how I felt I had been misunderstood, though I could tell why, and that I need him to be a little more trusting of my intentions because I am trying.

He agreed to ask for clarification when he feels like I'm judging him. This serves two purposes. If I'm not judging him, then we get to carry on like real adults. If I have slipped up and am judging, this gives me the opportunity to check myself and stop.

A productive night, indeed!

That sounds so similar to the talks going on here. The difference being instead of judging Karma, it appears that I judge everyone else I meet. That's not usualy the case, but it is how it appeared and we are working on the same plan. Clarification goes a long way.

Good luck!
 
I am trying to not be a judgmental bitch, as I have been in the past. I sometimes find myself looking for fault in things he does, for ... well, I don't know the reason, yet. This can take the form of watching what he does or asking questions about his views on things, then criticizing based on these findings. More often these days though, I find myself watching and asking in order to better understand, not to judge. However, apparently these two mindsets look the same from the outside. :p

This is where I'm at also. I find myself asking because I want to understand, but immediately have to explain that I'm not trying to criticize again, I just want to understand. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much.:p
 
Gosh, sometimes I feel like great communication is better than great sex (oh, well, I think of sex as a form of communication, so no wonder I correlate the two).

But really, it's so very satisfying when things fall into place like that and we gain clarity, especially after big misunderstandings. Yay!

I felt pretty satisfied, but you'll have to ask Indigo! :p

That sounds so similar to the talks going on here. The difference being instead of judging Karma, it appears that I judge everyone else I meet. That's not usualy the case, but it is how it appeared and we are working on the same plan. Clarification goes a long way.

Good luck!

I have noticed my tone far more of late, and have caught myself, especially at work saying things like, "That didn't come out right. Let me try again." In these situations, I don't realize how things could sound until I've already said them. I certainly didn't mean them the wrong way, but there ya go.

This is where I'm at also. I find myself asking because I want to understand, but immediately have to explain that I'm not trying to criticize again, I just want to understand. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much.:p

I am relieved I'm not the only one with this issue ... :eek:
 
First, I want to say that I love you. Second, I want to say that I'm sorry that I have been so swamped from work that I haven't been able to keep up. Third, I'd like to say that I totally agree with NY regarding great communication being better than great sex at times (hell for me great communication Always leads to great sex because it's a turn-on for me AND I'm an aggressive beast:p). Fourth, great strides, my friend...great strides. I'm still sending loving and supportive vibes your way for you and your clan~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*hugs*
 
Where to start?

I guess I've fallen into the trap of not updating when things are good.

Mr. A moved about two hours away. The job is great, our relationship is still strong, and even though the adjustment was a lot to deal with, we've got a schedule now and it's working for us.

Indigo got a great job as well, in his field. That's eased a fair bit of financial stress at home. We were treading water okay, but I felt like one wave would do us harm. I feel much better now.

Indigo is still "single", but he's good with that. I just want him to be happy, whether he decides another relationship will work for him, or wants to be mono to my poly.

I'm interested in someone new, we'll call him Vinny. Well, not really new. I was interested in him in the summer, but between Indigo and Mr. A I had no time for another relationship. Since the relationship with Mr. A has shifted form, I have more time.

Despite being a total flirt, Vinny is shy as hell. He knows I'm in an "open" (I've given up explaining poly to people at first go.) relationship, and that I have a boyfriend. I think he really doesn't know what to make of me, or my interest. He hasn't turned me down (I've given him plenty of opportunities to), but isn't making advances on his own.

I don't need any form of relationship with him to be happy. This, of course, makes me happy, because I do try and evaluate where I'm coming from as a general check. He's just an interesting person, whom I'd like to see what, if any, possibilities could develop with.

I should mention that both gents (Mr. A and Indigo) have given a green light for Vinny. Although, I did just have to double-check that with Indigo. He is aware that I'm interested, but we never had an actual conversation where he okayed it. Communication, yeah! (Lesson: don't assume things - check!)

In other news, I'm in the process of weaning myself off of my medication. It's been hell so far, I'm not going to lie. In a fit of frustration, I tried to go cold turkey, but the withdrawal was far too intense. For those of you interested, I was on 60mg of Cymbalta (the one giving me a bitch of a time), 2.5mg of olanzapine, 1-2mg of Clonazepam as needed, and 5 or 7.5mg of zopiclone for sleeping at night as needed.

Currently, I'm down to about 30mg of Cymbalta, 2mg of Clonazepam (helping with the anxiety from Cymbalta withdrawal), and taking zopiclone most nights to combat the nightmares from a med change. Like actual nightmares, not metaphorically speaking. :p

I've been on some sort of anti-depressant for the last 7 years. The only drug class I haven't tried has been MAOIs, which I'm reluctant to go to. The only other time I've stopped taking my medication was when I was on Remeron, and I decided I'd like to stop being a carb-craving zombie.

So, my entire adult life, I've been drugged. I'd like to try this life thing med-free, see if that changes anything.

Yeah. Lots going on.
 
I'm interested in someone new, we'll call him Vinny. Well, not really new. I was interested in him in the summer, but between Indigo and Mr. A I had no time for another relationship. Since the relationship with Mr. A has shifted form, I have more time.

Despite being a total flirt, Vinny is shy as hell. He knows I'm in an "open" (I've given up explaining poly to people at first go.) relationship, and that I have a boyfriend. I think he really doesn't know what to make of me, or my interest. He hasn't turned me down (I've given him plenty of opportunities to), but isn't making advances on his own.

I don't need any form of relationship with him to be happy. This, of course, makes me happy, because I do try and evaluate where I'm coming from as a general check. He's just an interesting person, whom I'd like to see what, if any, possibilities could develop with.

Congrats TP :)... Hope he gets his flirt on. Could be gunshy for being a "3rd" or is he just shy. Either way congrats :)

In other news, I'm in the process of weaning myself off of my medication. It's been hell so far, I'm not going to lie. In a fit of frustration, I tried to go cold turkey, but the withdrawal was far too intense. For those of you interested, I was on 60mg of Cymbalta (the one giving me a bitch of a time), 2.5mg of olanzapine, 1-2mg of Clonazepam as needed, and 5 or 7.5mg of zopiclone for sleeping at night as needed.

Currently, I'm down to about 30mg of Cymbalta, 2mg of Clonazepam (helping with the anxiety from Cymbalta withdrawal), and taking zopiclone most nights to combat the nightmares from a med change. Like actual nightmares, not metaphorically speaking. :p

I've been on some sort of anti-depressant for the last 7 years. The only drug class I haven't tried has been MAOIs, which I'm reluctant to go to. The only other time I've stopped taking my medication was when I was on Remeron, and I decided I'd like to stop being a carb-craving zombie.

So, my entire adult life, I've been drugged. I'd like to try this life thing med-free, see if that changes anything.

Thats a big step. Congrats on this as well. I am confident for you :)
 
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