30 Days to Becoming a Secondary Wife

Just wanted to throw out a third option beyond P primary and C secondary versus C primary and P secondary... P and C co-primaries, which it sounds like you are acknowledging will to some degree need to be the case anyway if, in fact, C ends up taking on a more primary-type role. This, of course, would be predicated on her being willing not just to meet you but to embrace you as, basically, a sister-spouse. May or may not be a workable option, but it seems to me like it could work just as well as either of the other two options.
 
responses

CielDuMatin - I hadn't even thought of the kids being in a position where one female would say something and the other would contradict it. While it should be an obvious concern, I guess I didn't even think about it because I'm clearly the primary parent for all my children and I wouldn't expect that to change. I encourage support from others and don't mind sharing but when it comes to big decisions and day-to-day child rearing, I'm definitely the one that is in charge (thought don't let me sell Piper short, he is an excellent, involved parent too - I just tend to be in the more primary role for a variety of reasons - work, travel, experience, etc.). Having said that, you bring up a good point that should be discussed explicitly should we get that far with Colada or anyone. I wouldn't expect it to even come into play with the older two - as they have one foot out the door already. But the younger one could be different and that would need to be explicitly discussed.

AnnabelMore - yes, you are also correct - and that has been discussed as well. I think my struggle lies in that I'm not sure I share as well as Piper would like if I'm in a primary role. But in total honesty, I think at the end of the day I'm at a point of being able to say: 1. Poly is intriguing to me 2. My husband is clearly Poly 3. I don't like feeling trapped and burdened without the reward of time and attention one gets in a mono relationship - but beyond that, I'm totally unsure. I am a very resilient individual and so I tend to just go and go and go and go and make things work. Barring safety issues, I will make a relationship work one way or another. Even facing Butterfly's death, I work hard to remember her with a smile. And in the wake of Pea's longterm hospital stay, I just kept putting one foot in front of the other - sometimes praying she'd live and sometimes wondering if she'd be better in a place with less pain. But regardless, I just keep moving and working and caretaking. And here we are now - a whole new reality. My ex can't harm the kids anymore, Butterfly has been layed to rest, Pea is fully recovered, my new job (which I took to be home more with Pea) has settled into a nice rhythm, and now...Colada...now I can focus on this question of what do we do? My typical tendency is to jump in with both feet and say - I can make this work! But this time, I've said no. I need time. I need peace. I need to get back on my own two feet. I need space. I told Piper it's like playing golf. Sometimes, when you're in the rough, it's smarter to hit the ball backwards into the fairway so that you can get a clear shot to the hole, rather than chopping away at the ball trying to hit it directly to the hole because with all the trees and tall grass, you're actually more likely to miss. So the punchline is: I'm making no decisions at this point. Rather, I know what it's like to be a mono wife with Piper. Right now, I'm exploring what it's like to sorta be a secondary. My hope is that with time, space, and a lot of breathing, I will be able to see more clearly where I need to ultimately land and my ability to ask for that will also be clearer. (doesn't that just sound so good? hahahaha - we'll see if I get anywhere close to my goals - but hey, ya gotta start somewhere, right?) :) PS - I follow your blog too and have learned a lot from your thoughts, insights, and wishes - thank you for sharing.
 
Aww, that's nice to hear! :) And everything you said just now made perfect sense, I'm wishing you luck.
 
Day 8

Well, I’m afraid today was not as jolly as I would have liked. We’re now 2 days into our family vacation –but I can’t say it’s been relaxing even a tad. Child #2 is at sleep away camp, Child #1 is in day camp, Child #4 isn’t sleeping through the night (and is getting FOUR new teeth), and Piper has worked a full day and then some. :/ And if that weren’t enough, here’s my sharing too much info, but let’s just say it’s not my happiest time of the month. So sigh, I was hoping to be able to lounge in bed, watch the baby play, spend the afternoons talking with my son, share a drink and a few smiles with Piper in the evening. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? Apparently, the answer is a resounding, yes. <sigh> <sigh>

Having said all that, a few things have been accomplished nonetheless. First, Piper has started emailing Colada and me each day and this has worked out really well for several reasons. A) she’s replying to all :) B) He asked us to share specific information – it was rather prescriptive – so basically, it’s quick, it’s easy, and therefore, it doesn’t allow anyone to overthink, and C) the emails are about our real lives and not about sex so we’re getting to know each other at least a little. I think it’s a good start. Second, I’ve started seriously shopping for my new suite décor. I want, above all, a calm space. I’ve been googling ‘spa room’ and looking at all sorts of images. I’m trying not to go overboard – at least until they decide if they want the upstairs or downstairs space. Pragmatically speaking, they should take downstairs. It is a space I’ve never occupied and it has an exterior door – it also has the option for adding additional space (bedrooms, kitchen, LR, etc). Also, upstairs is kid-ville so it would allow all the bambinos to continue to wonder into my room without wondering what’s up. Still, I suspect they will choose upstairs so I’m preparing for both options at this point.

The other – well, I’m not sure what to call it – experience? Thing? Event? Realization? – well anyway, what I’m trying to say is that Piper and I have been in the same room now for a few days and we’re falling back into old/bad habits. Mostly, we’re bickering and our communication is poor. It’s so very depressing that we can’t figure out how to share space in harmony but we just don’t seem to be able/know how to do it. I don’t know if I expect too much from him (e.g. he’ll say something is going to take 30 seconds and 30 minutes later he’s finally ready – which thoroughly drives me insane because I have several other people I’m trying to wrangle and I rely on accurate information to be able to plan; or I expect to be able to talk to him throughout the day – but I generally end up interrupting him working, which thoroughly drives him insane). And then we get to the end of the day and we are both just plain tired of each other. :( It makes me so sad. And it’s the primary reason I think maybe I’m better as a secondary. On my own, I’m stronger. I don’t rely on his input for things. I just plan my day and the kids’. I also don’t care if he’s working because I make my own plans and don’t worry about him or his – if he wants to hang out with me, he’ll ask, and if I’m available fine and if I’m not so be it. Maybe most people do this naturally? I guess my idea of being married is being involved in each other’s life – but that means that I expect to be part of decisions, planning, day-to-day thoughts, etc. And that makes me too needy – and annoys Piper to no end. But without that level of involvement, I feel rejected and disliked – which makes me feel sad that I’m not wanted. So bottom line, I’m feeling like shared space and shared lives doesn’t work for us. I’m not saying that Piper doesn’t want to be part of my life – I’m just saying that I don’t think he wants to be so wrapped up together…or at least, that’s my impression. Piper – certainly clarify/correct if needed. I’m just giving my interpretation. So when I’m a little detached and don’t feel so much ownership/involvement with him, I don’t seem to bug him as much. The cost is that I’m more distant but maybe the benefit outweighs the cost. I would rather we get along during fewer days of the week than be together during all our free time and be angry/resentful toward each other.

Rule #6: Facilitate communication between all parties if you are the hinge.

Task #6: Ponder how one might be both involved with Piper and yet also not so entangled.
 
I have just one comment...
Rule #6: Facilitate communication between all parties if you are the hinge.
I am the "hinge" in our relationship, and, while that is a good idea, it can only go so far. I have two strong-willed borderline introverted women in my life and at some point my efforts at facilitation back-fired on me - essentially they both told me to stop trying so hard and that if they want to talk to each other, they will!

Good idea in a case like your, though, and while everyone is reacting positively, I can certainly imagine it helping your situation! Glad that this seems to be improving for you!
 
Day 8

Well, it’s day 9 and we’re several days into our trip. I can’t say it’s going well or that it has improved since yesterday. He worked, I worked a little and watched Pea, we managed to watch a movie – but not without tears and stress. We did talk some tonight – a little eye opening, I suppose. The short, short version is that he’s felt pressured to keep his job which requires a lot of travel. Basically, I was supportive of him taking this job and told him that he needed to travel – in other words, he likes to have control over his time and has trouble separating from his work (which I did say at the time) – so I figured this job would allow him that time and then allow him to be more present when home. I *thought* he would be appreciative that I was supporting him in this because it puts a lot of the housework/bills/chores/childcare on me. But he is not appreciative – rather, he is resentful. He’s angry and prickly when he works and it has never made any sense to me. So basically, it’s a colossal misunderstanding? I have no idea how we got here but what a mess! <more sighing>

Needless to say, I haven’t worked on me or my thoughts today…this was enough to learn for one day I think. Maybe tomorrow…

Rule #7: Poly or not, if you think anything negative about my actions, come talk to me. It’s more likely to be a misunderstanding than an attempt to make you miserable. I find vindictiveness to be a lot of work and very stressful – so I just don’t do it. If I’ve got an issue, I’m generally straightforward, to the point.

Task #7: Breathe.


CielDuMatin - Good point - haha - I can see that being an issue. I love that they both told you that though - It gave me a great visual of two women, saying - leave it alone already! We may eventually get there too, I suppose, but for now, I think we're trying to help Colada past her anxieties - so we have a different issue afoot. But in the future, that may change. We'll see!
 
I have just one comment...
I am the "hinge" in our relationship, and, while that is a good idea, it can only go so far. I have two strong-willed borderline introverted women in my life and at some point my efforts at facilitation back-fired on me - essentially they both told me to stop trying so hard and that if they want to talk to each other, they will!

Being one of them: it worked. We communicate better on our own terms, in our own time, than we do when we feel we have to. :D On the other hand, a) I met them at the same time, so no hiding allowed and b) I would've wanted to meet her regardless. Been eager, even. So I am a very different "newcomer" from Colada.

I have to say, this is an interesting experiment in "making it work". It's a brilliant idea, really. She wants to be his person? By God, she can sweep and cook and do laundry just like you do. You're right about the need for balance. FWIW, I think you would do better upstairs with the kids if you want to communicate that you, not Colada, are Mom. You can be there when they need you without risking Colada seeing you (in the same house? Okay, I said it was interesting...) and the upstairs is more yours, emotionally, because you've been there longer. I like your logic. I also like the idea of making over and marking out what space is yours. I would so be putting in a spa tub.

Is she aware that, sooner or later, she may well run into you? Or have to meet you, what with the same-house thing? I mean, what if you two get the munchies at the same midnight hour? Are you going to text Piper "Hey, I'm going to the kitchen"? Nobody can function in the house if two absolutely must not come in contact with each other. To be an effective parent, for one, right now you need the run of the upstairs, so Colada needs to stay confined to Piper's bedroom. Presumably it has a toilet, which is good. :)

But! One day at a time. You will either deal with this in your time or you will be forced into dealing with it. Consider which you prefer.
 
Day 10

Ok, I followed my own advice – I breathed. It’s about all I did today, but I did relax some. I took two, yes, two bubble baths, had some wine, and just let things go a bit. Partly, as all women gloriously experience (ugh), my hormones are righting themselves right on time. So I was bound to be less stressed, even if nothing changed. But still, I tried to relax a bit and the feelings of hopelessness have subsided. I can’t say that I’m feeling good about Piper and I, but I am feeling less horrible about the situation. In a nutshell, I’m really struggling to understand how he feels about work. It seems that bosses always manage to make him feel like he has to work long, long hours or he’ll lose his job – which then stresses him – and then I’m standing behind him upset too – which stresses him even more. It’s a vicious cycle. And because I don’t get wrapped up in work in the same way he does, I don’t understand how it gets out of hand, and consequently, I feel like a secondary to his job. I hate feeling this way.

In other news, I am beginning to decorate my suite. I’ve been shopping on ebay and picked out a few things. I’m trying to stick to a budget, but we’ll see. ;) I’ve got a whole theme, wrapped around serenity, calmness, and things that make me smile. I intend this to be a peaceful space that will help me relax and stay centered. I find myself craving to be there now. I was just starting to warm up to the idea of having some control over my little area in the house, a little control over my emotions and time, and a little less stress – all of which has unraveled since coming on “vacation”. Being second, and shedding all the responsibility that is lost with that status, is sounding good, at the moment anyway….

Rule #9: Don’t go to bed angry (haven’t we all heard that one before? Well, it’s worth revisiting….)

Task #10: Keep breathing…I think I need one more day of bubbles and wine before moving forward (look at me taking it slow! Ha! I never do that!) ;)

And to lovefromgirl: I couldn’t agree with you more. I do think upstairs makes more sense for all the reasons you noted on the kid front. As it were, all the kids and the upstairs bedroom are on the same floor – also though, there is a full kitchenette, bar, and living room/playroom up there too. So I could conceivably have munchies, etc., entertain, have a full space, etc. without issue. The upstairs space is about 2400sf – so there is plenty of space. Alsooo, there is a lovely 6ft spa tub in the bedroom and a lovely balcony. So yeah, it would work ;) But also, downstairs spans about 1900sf and the other suite has an exterior exit which would allow Colada and Piper privacy when coming/going. They also have access to the downstairs living room, pool, etc. So they could entertain, hang out, etc. in adultville quite easily – and probably better.

As far as seeing one another – I assume that will be a short-lived issue – but we’ll see. She isn’t exactly rushing to meet me, eager, and only maybe is she even interested. So I can’t say for sure there. But I believe Piper will not continue to see her if she is unwilling in the near future. It’s just too stressful the way it is, and frankly, impractical. But for now, I stay in my area from 9pm to 6am unless we talk about it in advance.
 
What if the experiment fails? Or rather what would a failed experiment look like?

Does colata know she's part of an experiment ? Her up side is permant primary . Whats the downside for her ? Is there a possibility that she could have that title stripped from her for no fault of her own....." sorry it didn't work out the way we thought " ....
 
Day 11

Spoken like a true experimentalist, Dingedheart, you made my day! I do love a good, challenging question…I had some hulabaloo to talk about today but I think your question is so much better for a topic, so I’ve decided to address it instead. What does success look like? Failure? Do Pied Piper and I have a shared mental model? Have we operationalized these points? In a manner of speaking, I think we have. :) (whew! – we passed something!) As I considered your questions today, I decided there were really 3 points of view wrapped into your general overarching questions. Specifically, there’s the “how does this experiment affect Colada? Can she be ousted despite no fault of her own? Does she benefit/lose out based on the outcome of this experiment? Etc.” Then there are the questions that relate more to Piper and I, “How do you two define success? Do you two have a shared mental model? How does this look/not look long term? Or if it doesn’t “work”?” And finally, there are the questions that pertain to me alone, “What do you want? What will that look like? How will you decide if you’ve succeeded or failed? How will you determine what the future looks like in theory? Day-today? Etc.”

So, first, Colada. With regard to her directly, I don’t know exactly what Piper has told her but obviously, she is aware of some things. For example, she knows that he and I are using condoms now, she is aware that he is spending more of his free time with her than me, she knows I’ve moved downstairs, and she knows that he is pursuing a relationship with her directly – and that he wants to at least consider the two of them dating me together. Having said all that, I doubt he has said that living downstairs and the other accommodations are an ‘experiment’ of sorts. Maybe he has but I don’t think so. I suspect, instead, he has told her that I’m trying to figure out my part in this poly relationship and that I’m not quite sure how to handle it. In total truth, though it hasn’t been much discussed here, the majority of the changes have come about in order to accommodate her needs, not mine per se. For example, she has basically had panic attacks with regard to her relationship with him. Now, it would be easy to say that it’s because of me but based on various bits of information, I don’t actually think it is only the ‘weird’ part of the relationship that is freaking her out. She hasn’t ever been in a serious relationship and is old enough that it should have happened a good 5+ years ago (and that’s assuming a super, duper late bloomer). So many of the changes have occurred in an effort to help her calm down, give her more time, and allow her to have more control. So….

for Colada, I believe success would look like:
1. Her feeling calm and secure and
2. Her feeling comfortable meeting me and interacting with me in a low-key manner and frequently (a few days/week)

If she can’t achieve both of these over the next several months, I believe Piper will end the relationship with her – though it will not be because this experiment didn’t work. It will instead be because their relationship won’t be going in the direction he wants. I believe he is willing to bend in many areas but he has one deal breaker – he wants the three of us to interact as a family of sorts – how that looks exactly is up for debate but whether or not it exists, is not. So my experiment or not, he has expectations for her and their relationship – which I’m told she is well aware of.

Next, Piper and I. I believe success for us is also not tied to my experiment. I don’t think Piper really minds how it shakes out per se. I believe he’d prefer that I take a primary role in the triad but really, he just wants us to all get along. So if I am happier and our relationship is less stressful with me in a secondary role, he will accommodate that without issue. So

for Piper and me, success will look like:
1.Two smiling people who:
2. Spend more time happy together than sad, hurt, or misunderstood, who also:
3. Communicate better (more clearly and less emotionally – both of us) and who can:
4. Raise all the kiddies in harmony

Since what we were doing wasn’t working, I think if my ‘experiment’ isn’t successful in full then, we would assess which areas improved, which didn’t, and discuss some ways to address the remaining issues (e.g., maybe a full secondary role isn’t a good idea – maybe a combination of sorts? Maybe we could divide primary roles up according to each person’s strengths or something?). If we’re not doing better in any of the areas above…then we need to be having other discussions :/

Now for me –Maybe, I just need a time-out from life – that would certainly be reasonable given the last year. Or maybe, Piper and I just need a little breather so we can each regroup and then reconnect. Or maybe, since I lost my personal office/retreat when Pea came home, I just need a permanent escape pod that I can use – but only as needed, not all the time, every day. Or maybe, I need separation. At this point, I just don’t know – hence the experiment. But so really, success for me will be characterized by:

1. Feeling emotionally settled and able to handle day-to-day misunderstandings in a less sensitive manner
2. Feeling confident and strong at home
3. Feeling less resentment toward Piper for the messes he’s made over the past several years and for asking me to deal with his poly needs
4. Feeling like I can identify positive aspects of having an additional person in our family and feeling happy, or at least accepting, of her presence

Failure would be characterized by:
1. Feeling left-out
2. Feeling needy
3. Feeling replaced
4. Finding that my emotional and sexual needs are not met
5. Finding that I still have the majority of the household chores and little or no free time to myself
6. Feeling sad or depressed, caged, or repressed

Rule #10: If you want me to try something new, give me the emotional freedom to react in any way I feel (at least the first time) because if not, I may shy away from new experiences that we might like – also, check in with me often to see how I feel about these changes/activities because I might be afraid to share without an explicit request

Task #10: Compare being on vacation without Piper to what it was like when he was here (he left today for work reasons and will be spending the rest of the week with Colada –in our house – entertaining her friends – no, I’m not totally comfortable with the entertaining to the level it has grown – it feels violating…but no one asked me how I was feeling) :( (but that’s a whole other discussion…for another day)
 
This is just so hard to read. You say Piper will not stay with Colada if she doesn't accept you and over and over again, their actions scream (to me anyway) that they at both doing things to push you so far you will walk away, giving Colada exactly what she wants, your husband without you. All the entertaining in YOUR house, interacting with YOUR kids, while you are supposed to vanish into the woodwork and become invisible is so incredibly dissrespectful it boarders on abuse. If she can't even deal with your existence, then she needs to get he FUCK out of your home and stay out until she is willing to be respectful of you.

I get the need for space and trying to find a compromise when things aren't working, but that doesn't mean you need to be a doormat while this women walks all over you and invades your home. If they want to play at pretending you don't exist, they should do it someplace your kids won't have to witness it. This whole situation is a massive train wreck in the making.
 
*searching for the *like* button* That was exactly what I was thinking, SNeacail. I am really pondering over how this can ever work out in favour of anyone involved. .
 
Day 12

Do you ever just want to kick yourself? Ugh, that’s how I felt today. I had it – really had it by about noon today. I was thinking – I’m done, I’m done, done, done, done, DONE! This girl has me in knots. She’s so anxious that apparently, she can’t even follow basic etiquette – e.g. If you give someone a compliment, say thank you – if someone is having a bad day, tell them you hope they feel better – you know, the basics. But I just don’t even get responses. I feel like I’ve turned my life upside down to try and accommodate her anxieties and needs – and basically, I’ve gotten nothing, not even an acknowledgement in return.

Now, if I’m totally objective (haha, right, what I mean is – if I’m as objective as I am capable) ;) then I have to admit that she didn’t exactly ask for these changes. She would have slithered away and just written off this relationship before it even started. But Piper liked her and so I tried, I rallied, I made changes. To his credit, HE has said thank you – which I suppose is why I’ve actually done it. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t expect something from her too. But maybe that is unfair? Maybe I’m expecting too much – I mean she didn’t ask for any of this. So bad on me….and hence my thinking around noon – forget it, I’m done. I’m done trying to accommodate, support, make changes. And then…..

…well, and then I got an email from her saying….thank you. <sigh!> And hook, line, and sinker, I got excited. (stupid, stupid, stupid….imagine me smacking my forehead) Yes, yes, I responded and gave in and got all happy. But here I am, again, having been told all week that she wanted to skype (we’re in different states right now)…but nothing. Not even a cancellation – just nothing. So Piper is home with her now and says he’ll make it happen tonight – I waited until 9:30pm…heard nothing allllllllll day….and got really angry over text. I’m just so dang tired of feeling on edge waiting to see if this time will be different. EVERY time her and her sister have said they would meet me over the last year and a half, they have bailed and so I still haven’t met either one. (And I mean, get all dressed up, set up drinks, say they are on their way…and then they just don’t show…it’s very odd, if you ask me)

Were it just me, I’d have been done with Colada a long time ago – because I don’t like drama, I don’t play games, and I don’t put out this much energy for people who don’t return it. But for Piper’s sake, I keep trying…over and over and over again…but it hurts and it’s stressful…and I’m tired….

Rule #11 – Try to set realistic expectations for your SOs. It’s better to underestimate and over deliver than to set expectations high and deal with disappointment.
Task #11 – Try to curb your anger in the moment. It will probably subside some and you will think more clearly after letting time pass. (boy is this an obvious one! Haha – well, I need the reminder) :p

PS – Sneacail & Phy – just one clarification – “they” do not interact with the kids – that, I would not allow. Piper takes care of Pea if she wakes up in the middle of the night but Colada has had absolutely no interaction with the children. I do not budge where they are concerned. Per your other comments – I’m guessing my comments from today are inching toward your points. I should probably take more heed though. One other point I do need to make – I really do trust that Piper will not push me out…I may push myself out…but he won’t. I may not show it all here but he shows his dedication in many ways – including, but not limited to the fact that he is heavily involved with and dedicated to the children and family matters. Also, we have been in a semi-similar situation before (a GF demanded he leave me and marry her) – he didn’t even bat an eye and she was gone. After that, per my request, it was just the two of us for 3 years. I have faith in him…she, however, is another matter. What I’m trying to determine is if that’s because she is so lacking in experience and maturity (in other words, she needs time and education) or because this is going to be an ongoing issue that she never gets past.
 
Day 15

Well, it's been an eventful couple of days so I just didn't have the energy to post. We ended our "vacation" with an ER visit with Pea (she is ok, thank goodness, but it was scary) followed by a straight 10 hour drive home with the kiddies and me alone. Needless to say, I was totally exhausted, both emotionally and physically.

So here's my update: Before Pea's accident, I had a terrible night. I found out that Colada and Piper were planning a party at the house in my absence and the only reason I learned about it was because I decided we might come home early. I felt so hurt and lied to. I really felt seriously depressed that night and couldn't manage to fall asleep at all. I texted Piper a couple times about it and I tried to call him but he was sleeping, so he didn't pick up. By 6am, I just felt like I had to say something. So I wrote an email to them both. I felt better and thought that while I was clearly upset in my email, that I didn't labor on and on and I wasn't ugly in the email. It seems they didn't agree. Piper said there was no reason for us to discuss it and that I as "very aggressive" and he didn't agree with how I handled it. Eventually he did talk to me some but basically said he didn't understand at all why it bothered me. I don't know what to tell him since I feel like it's obvious that it would hurt my feelings. Colada basically just sent me a short email response saying that
there must have been a miscommunication between her and Piper. And, they canceled the party - which makes me feel like I can't trust them to keep things between us. I'm posting my email - for feedback. Any comments are appreciated. I need a sanity check and Piper and I are too deep in our own issues to be objective. Was I too aggressive? Am I too emotional/sensitive? Should I just be breasy and think it's all just fine?

Here's what I wrote:

Piper and Colada,

First, do not cancel the party - it will only add embarrassment to an already uncomfortable situation for me.

However, I do need to tell you both that I am deeply hurt that you guys planned a party in my absence, without even telling me (I know, Piper, you eventually told me but only because I said we may come home early). My purpose in encouraging Colada to spend some time at the house and invite a few people over was to try and help her relax and become more accustomed to this relationship. It was my way of trying to be supportive and welcoming. I did not, however, expect that it would turn into the two of you throwing a party that involved other people sleeping at my house - nor that it would be planned without my knowledge, input, or consideration. I feel excluded, rejected, and lied to (by omission).

Don't worry, I don't think that you two set out to intentionally exclude me or make me feel bad. But at the same time, without better communication, this will continue to happen. I have not slept all night - and frankly, I scared myself last night with how badly I was feeling - so I cannot continue in this manner.

I am willing to do what I can to make this situation work. I am trying to think of everything I can to be as open as possible, to try to communicate, and to show you both that you can trust me. I do need help though. I need us to communicate more and I'm afraid it needs to segue to talking in person or I fear we will have more miscommunications and hurt feelings and I don't want
that for anyone.

Thank you for "listening" and letting me share my thoughts and feelings.

Sincerely,
Pocket


I don't know. It doesn't seem aggressive to me but maybe I'm just reading it through my own eyes and am not objective enough.


Anyway, once I got home from the trip, Piper and Colada had cleaned up my suite, put out candles, chocolate, wine, music, and Piper had bought me a mini-waterfall, Colada bought me a plaque for my wall with butterflies on it in honor of my daughter. It was very sweet of them to take the time to do this. It did confuse me though - was this their way of saying, we'll take upstairs? I wrote them two long emails on the subject - no response. Not a comment, question, or even a confirmation that they got the email - nothing. It hurt - a lot. It feels like I'm not even important enough to be told what is going
on. Piper even packed up the stuff in my nightstand drawer from the upstairs room and put it in a bag in the bottom drawer in my new room. I think he was trying to be nice but it felt like I was being pushed out. :(

So, I guess that's that. I just went ahead and packed up the rest of my closet in the upstairs room today. I wasn't planning to do it before - I just figured I'd spend a month downstairs and get my head on straight and then we would have the energy to work on us. But I think I'm too tired to keep fighting so it just seems easier to move. I just feel like I'm losing my family so I'm sad all the time. I think Piper is tired of me being sad. I'm tired of it too but I can't seem to find my way out.

I'm not sure what to do next. :(

Rule #12 - If you don't know what to say, just hug me.
Task #12 - Go ahead and move forward in moving.
 
If you're going to be in that new room, I suggest putting a lock on the door and keeping it locked whenever you are not there. tell Piper and Colada to ask permission to enter your room. What good is a sanctuary if people can just come and go whenever they feel like it?

I am sorry that you are so sad. I went through that when my marriage ended andthought I would never crack a smile again. More talking, more reinforcing of boundaries, and figuring out what you need and want to be happy is in order. Piper seems oblivious and unable to read you. Did he ever understand you?

Perhaps you might even consider moving into your own apartment.
 
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Nycindie - No, Piper has never really understood me - though he does try. I do think he's tired of trying but he hasnt ever totally given up. In the moment, his frustrations prevent him from being understanding and he struggles a lot with seeing situations from other people's points of view. He pretty much finds me to be overly emotional, impossible to please, and neurotic. I don't get that feedback from others, but then again, I don't live with them. So I don't know...maybe he's right. I can't objectively assess.

Thanks for the supporting comments and insights...I really appreciate them.
 
Boogers - I was kinda hoping you'd say I am expecting too much, or worry over nothing, or something similar...because then I could work on me. I can't change others. I do think he'd like to make me happy...he just struggles with how to do it. He frquesntly tries really hard to do something only to find out it sends the opposite message he intends and then he feels frustrated and angry. I'm just at a loss on how to communicate my needs to him because what I think is obvious, he believes is absurd. (E.g. I think he believes the party is no big deal at all and it isn't even my business because I wasn't home and it didn't involve me so I shouldn't spin my wheels and overthink it...whereas I feel violated and hurt - he simply does not understand. He believes I'm illogical).
 
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It's the same with the party and the room. From my point of view, they don't respect your space at all. Your house, your room, whenever you aren't there they do what they please (throwing a party, re-decorating) and if you come back and see that things were changed, that things happened in your private space where you should feel in control and at home basically, and you get upset about it, they tell you to suck it up and don't see what they did.

There is no overreaction in your email you explained your thoughts calmly and not aggressively. Stand your ground, one part of feeling sad seems to be the violation of your boundaries, at least that's how I see it.
 
After reading your post I felt it in my gut...so I can understand your pain.

I had 2 seperate an opposite thoughts on this. 1) the concept of gas lighting. The term and concept has been kicked around here a couple of times I never really believed in it ...but under the circumstances its worth asking the question.

2) The experiment was to move to a secondary role..... If that's truly the case why do they need to keep you in the loop if you were out of town ...10 hrs away. Now violating your space ..not cool ...but having a party in the general space?

Put another way Have secondaries who were out of town been upset to learn their primary had a party at their home......without notification? Is that an expected right?


This experiment was your idea right?

Could there be an element(s) of passive aggressiveness to this. Be
careful what you wish/ ask for? The party....the email ....moving your clothes. All to highlight your decision?

I guess that's 3 thoughts ...:D.
 
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