Poly? Coverup for Cheating?

When the emotions and hormones are a-whirlin' then it can be very difficult to think straight and work out what you need to do.

Luckily we on this forum have the benefit of not being in love and lust with him and can take a step back and give you a range of perspectives for you to take on-board as you wish. I hope in some way it has helped you sort things out.

For what it's worth, it DOES sound like you are doing the right things to try to get things back on track and to find out if he really is as trustworthy as he says he is, and you are looking for ways to verify that. This will stand the best chance of saving folks pain and anguish.
 
I was not aware of him being in a poly relationship with a girlfriend until after we had already been together. I assumed when he said, "you should meet X" that he was talking about a friend or FWB.

Okay, so - he started by deceiving you.

AND he is now possibly deceiving his girlfriend.

I wonder how many others he is seducing and waiting til after the fact before he lets you in on a very important detail.

I understand that your intentions were to be honest, but you are a tad too forgiving in this case. He wait until after fucking you before revealing that he has a girlfriend. And now he wants to wait til the time is right to tell her about you. That time might be a long way off. How much you want to bet that he comes up with an excuse when that day passes?

Yeah, like I said: DTMFA !
 
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I am a very compassionate person and it bothers me to death that she does not know. But I'm tearing my hair out about what "I" am supposed to do about it from here.

Messenger, I appreciate your honesty and willingness to address this situation head on. Based on what you have posted, what you should do is step all the way out of this relationship, and I don't mean "just be friends," I mean all the way out until 1 of 2 things happens. Either he confirms that he has broken up with his girlfriend or you hear from the girlfriend directly that she is okay with your and his relationship.

This situation is not okay and definately not fair to her, particularly if there is some emergency circumstance. She could be devastated by this and you do not want to be a willing participant in her pain or in the line of fire when that occurs. She would be right to include you in the blame if this continues. You don't want that. I doubt your boyfriend wants that although he's so hung up with NRE, it doesn't appear he is thinking clearly. You need to hear from her, or he needs to start over with everyone having full knowledge and consent.

And keep reading around here! It's great relationship advice, poly or not!
 
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Re (from Messenger, Post #19):
"I was not aware of him being in a poly relationship with a girlfriend until after we had already been together. I assumed when he said, 'You should meet X,' that he was talking about a friend or FWB."

Yikes, he wasn't even being 100% upfront with you at first! (If he was, he would have said, "X is my girlfriend; I'm in a long-term relationship with her.") I mean, for him to wait on being 100% clear toward you until after he had been with you ... [skin crawling]

That said, it's good that you're aware of her (potential) feelings, and have backed off until he tells her. Definitely get personal confirmation from her if you can.
 
Hello All :)

Yes, stepping completely away from the situation is exactly what I have done. I will not see or speak with him. Just carrying on with my life as I had before meeting him. I'm bummed out and feel it is such a shame for such a man to be deceptive. Such a damn shame.

I'm watching relationships around me crumble as I speak. Aunt was cheated on by her long term boyfriend (neither are poly), gay roommate breaking up with his man, friends breaking up. ALL due to lack of communication and trust. Such a shame. Imagine how many great lovers there would be if there was no deception!

I'm literally in tears today thinking of what a shame it is that people are deceptive and just cannot be honest.
 
Sorry you are hurting :( Have faith, there are people that have relationships with no deception. Lots of 'em, right here. Now that you have a clean slate, maybe you can open up to finding someone that is willing to be as open and honest as you are? Keep at it. Its all out there for you. :)
 
What redpepper said; don't give up hope yet. :)
 
Go you for making it happen. I hear you when you say it sucks.

Your brain was awash in all those love chemicals, it's a high, and you cut it off because you did what needed to be done. The rollercoaster ride came to a sudden stop. I'd be emotional and crying, too.

I hope you feel better in a week or so and take heart in being the good guy. Six months from, you'll look back in pride instead of regret. But that doesn't make it suck any less now.
 
Awww :) Thank you guys so much! I feel a little better. I know I did the right thing. He was pretty persistent (texting) and wanting to see my again, but I held my ground. That was extremely difficult and my body told me I was insane, but my head knew better.

I appreciate you guys a lot now and have been spending a lot of time here, reading and learning. Can't wait to make some new friends!

I'll get to my profile one day and add some stuff, but I'm just too lazy right now :)

Huge hugs for all the support, advice, encouragement and love :)
 
Glad to be here with you. :D
 
I think I am addicted to this site :) I feel very welcome and comfortable and even sent my first private message and added some detail to my profile tonight since I am relaxing for the evening. :)

Just wanted to thank everyone again for being here! Can't wait to chat with some of you!
 
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