i got an issue

gemini

New member
bit of back story. married to my wife. wife and i found a girlfriend. we knew her for several months before anything physical happened betweem the three of us. she had just broken up with her boy friend before anything happened. about six months later she began cheating on us with a co-worker. very ugly break up and we parted ways.

about a year after that, we began talking online as friends again. she had a new friend with benifits and we weren't interested in any of that so we stayed freinds. she got over him and again, several months later, we found our selves falling for each other again. come jan 1, we are physical again. first time in over a year and a half. going slowily and trying to build a healthy trusting relationship.

i find out today, that she is talking to a "boyfriend" that she had while we were apart. she said she fell hard for this guy and the she knew she shouldn't have because he was a peice of shit. her words, not mine.

should i feel uneasy? i am trying to let her make own decisions so the outcome is her own, but damn this has me a bit twisted. why get in contact with someone that you once "loved", when you are dating someone now?
 
If she knows the guy is a piece of shit and wants to hang out with him, then there is a good chance she is not fully over him. However, this is her decision. Hopefully, she will be honest this time with whatever she decides. Dishonesty does not mix well with polyamory.
 
as far as i know she has only texted him. they use to work together. i don't know what they were talking about yesterday. i hope it was about her work because she had a really bad day at work yesterday.
 
why get in contact with someone that you once "loved", when you are dating someone now?


Because she is poly I would think. Maybe not ethical poly but open to other relationships and love poly at least.
 
It sounds like you and your wife want a closed relationship with your girlfriend (i.e. none of you will pursue or be open to other relationships). Is this correct? If so, does your girlfriend know this is what you want? If so, do you think it's what she wants, too? I'm just trying to get more detail about the situation.
 
yes, we want a closed triad. yes she knows. yes she says that is wants to. alot of the time lately, it feels like that is what she wants. this texting with "ex" just seems to bug me.
 
my wife and i seek out a triad relationship with her. would this be the wrong forum for that?


Not at all. But I don't recall you saying that before.

Does SHE know that's what you and your wife want? and does she want that too? I'm assuming you mean a closed, poly-fidelitous triad, where no one is supposed to have a relationship outside of the three of you?

That's all super-grooovy 'n' shit, but

1) You need to DISCUSS THAT, and

2) Everyone needs to AGREE TO THAT

3) If you've DONE 1 and 2 and someone still wants to have other romantic/sexual/intimate relationships outside of the triad, then it's NOT GONNA WORK.

4) If 3 = "true", then:

5) Re-evaluate your expectations, OR

6) Find someone else with whom to form your triad.

<end script>

Good luck.
 
yes, we want a closed triad. yes she knows. yes she says that is wants to. alot of the time lately, it feels like that is what she wants. this texting with "ex" just seems to bug me.

Then you need to deal with that. Sounds like it's your problem, not hers. A closed triad relationship doesn't mean you can't text someone you used to date.
 
Then you need to deal with that. Sounds like it's your problem, not hers. A closed triad relationship doesn't mean you can't text someone you used to date.

I agree, but it sounds like there's a trust issue there. Given the on-off-on history, that may just be something they have to resolve through time and communication.
 
I agree, but it sounds like there's a trust issue there. Given the on-off-on history, that may just be something they have to resolve through time and communication.

Well, he said "this texting with "ex" just seems to bug [him]". That's what I was going by. He didn't say anything about there being trust issues, although there COULD be, since he did mention that she cheated before (I don't think this is the same person she cheated with, or is it?). I just figured they must have gotten past that, but perhaps not.
 
no, not the same guy that she cheated on us it with. it is the guy that she dated while we were apart and she would knock boots with when she first contacted us again.

i am working on the trust part. she has changed a bunch of things in her life since she cheated on us. differnt circles of people that she hangs out with, back into going to church. positive attitude towards life.
 
no, not the same guy that she cheated on us it with. it is the guy that she dated while we were apart and she would knock boots with when she first contacted us again.

i am working on the trust part. she has changed a bunch of things in her life since she cheated on us. differnt circles of people that she hangs out with, back into going to church. positive attitude towards life.

I have just one thing to add - this has been said a lot on this forum and it applies to all relationships, not just poly ones, and not just sexual ones:

Actions speak louder than words.
 
actions do speak louder than words and also, a person can't prove their new found integrity if they are not trusted at some point... knowing that they are being trusted in order to prove themselves that is.
 
Gemini, Is it possible that you have a habit of passing judgement on your 3rd's decisions and decision making process? If so this likely goes back prior to her first infidelity. If a person feels that there openess invites unfair judgement or punishment they are less likely to be open.
Perhaps try to work on not passing judgement so quickly - i.e. she's going to church so therefore she will make better decisions...
 
absolutely makes sense. i guess i still got a bit of a trust issue that hasn't gone away fully yet. i need to work on letting go of my hesitation in trusting her and just trust her. if it proves later that it is not to work or she goes back to old habbits, it would then be by her own choices. by not trusting her to often, she would then resent me and then be more likely to go a stray
 
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