Imagine your ideal relationships.

>taking a cold shower<
 
Ideally... which until five years ago I wouldn't have even understood nor brought up the subject... ideally... it's almost impossible and I assume as much for most people whatever sexually/gender/categorized inclined... I wish I understood the family dynamics that could be enhanced in a poly-amorous lifestyle while my children were young... thankfully, they grew up in a multicultural household and so still had the support of multiple family members that came and went freely.

...as my children's father and I went our separate ways I began to explore things in life... my own wants and needs (becoming selfish to an extent that I wanted to finally be happy) and unfortunately it took me until now to realize that what could be better than two mothers, two fathers, four people loving each other, caring, sharing, giving advice, taking care of the young ones. Not even necessarily parents, but friends... ideally this is what I want... a female friend I can call my sister and two males that I can consider my best friends in life, sexually and family-wise... I know it's possible, I just don't know if in this lifetime or the next 20 lifetimes that this coordination of personalities could ever occur... yeah, I expect a lot and that's kinda' why I'm not even sure that I'm poly-amorous... I just know that personally I have more love to give than to just one person, I love my mate, but sometimes I just wonder. ...and that may be all it is... I'll probably never know.
 
Honestly, and while I'm not trying to toot my own horn, I am proud and delighted to say that I am living my ideal relationship/s. I actually have all my needs met and am enjoying helping others meet their needs. This might seem braggy... but oh well! If your life is great, be loud and proud I say!

These are the things that I have in my love life that I consider ideal for me personally.

1) A familiar, strong, loving marriage with my husband. My husband is definitely a soul mate for me (I do believe there can be more than one). We balance each other out emotionally and mentally. He inspires me to be the best I can, is completely honest, encouraging, and loving; but never takes any BS. We encourage each other's relationships and we grow together.

2) Balance. I have a relationship with a married couple who are the easiest people to get along with that I have ever met in my entire life. We are a team, truly, and we enjoy each other very much. It's fairly new and exciting, but also familiar. We felt like we knew each other forever when we met. We, all of us, my husband, his girlfriend, my boyfriend and my lady partner's boyfriend, etc; all complement each other's hobbies and activities, and we have good balance with our schedules and lives. Also, boyfriend and his wife are kinky, and so am I. My vanilla husband is happy because I have an outlet for those sorts of activities.

3) Great sex! To be blunt, I love sex. I have sex at least once a day because I LOVE it. My husband and I both work from home, and we do take sex breaks during the day because we just truly enjoy being close to each other, and it feels awesome. I have PERFECT physical chemistry with both my husband and boyfriend, and making love with them is exquisite and ecstatic. I also have the opportunity to make love with my boyfriend's wife, which is although a different experience, it is no less ecstatic, and provides the balance that I crave as a bisexual human being. This is perhaps TMI, but I get completely and utterly squishy wet from just being in the same room as these people, and it feels awesome.

4) Other people's great sex. Knowing that my partners are getting sexual fulfillment from each other is beautiful. Admittedly, I'm not too involved in the sex life of my husband and his girlfriend (she's a nice lady, and I like her, just not attracted to her, and that's okay, I'm glad they're happy!), but I love to watch my boyfriend and his wife make love with each other. It's extremely lovely.

5) Kids / Parenting. I love kids. I don't have any of my own, but I really enjoy my boyfriend's kids. They are so smart and beautiful and inspiring to hang out with. Going places with kids makes everything new again because even the smallest bug or rock is fascinating to them. They are completely full of joy, and it's catching! I also, if I choose, have the opportunity to make children with my boyfriend, but we're not really sure at this point what we want to do, due to my health, and other circumstances. As I mentioned in my intro, I'm going through a miscarriage right now actually, and so that's all pretty raw at the moment. Thank goodness I have such a great support system.

6) Best Friends! I consider my partners and their partners to be my best friends. We have fun together, and I love sharing activities with them, and I love that I can introduce them to all my other friends and they all get along. Yay.

7) Eventual awesome living arrangements. We are planning to move in with my boyfriend and his family at some point in the future, and I think it's going to be amazing.

8) Setting a good example. I like to think that we set a good example for others wanting to be poly, and we make polyamory look good. I have a lot of friends ranging from quite conservative Christian folks who are fairly right wing to uber liberal Pagan, etc etc; and it's important to me that they see being poly in a good light. We're all certainly not perfect, but even if there's a disagreement, we do our best to work it out in a way that benefits everyone.

9) Stability and consistency. We find patterns and techniques that work for us all, and we strive to maintain them. If something stops working, we find another way to do it, and we maintain a stable healthy relationship with everyone involved.

10) Honesty, openness and communication. This one is a given.
 
ideal relationship

i'm new to the site and everybody here...and still in a mono relationship with my (male) best friend, Z (my long and dragged-out current story is on the Personal Summaries thread), who wants to keep it that way, while i do not.

at this point...because i have a suspicion that "ideals" will change with the flow of life and time and experience...my ideal relationship would be to live as a solo poly, living alone (as i already do) in my awesome cabin shack, with the options of spending time with him as suits us both; as well as with J (my ex), and also with anybody else, male or female, who moves me to do so, who intrigues me, or with whom i feel myself developing a bond or connection...and for anybody i am connected with in any way to feel free to do the same. we would all spend time connecting regularly, keeping abreast of what's goin on with each other, what's in each other's heads/hearts/guts, hanging sometimes together as a group and sometimes in smaller intimate groups or one-on-one....

i love playing house - but only for a few days at a time, max! i feel i need as much alone time as i do time with anyone else, and as much time with one of my closest partners as i do with another. there's no one at this point with whom i want to have that "primary" committed relationship, even with the option of having other lovers or partners.

i found a line in "Opening Up" (Tristan Taormino) that pretty much sums up how i feel right now:

"i consider myself to be my primary partner. this is a very real label for me, not something that i adopt while waiting for 'The One' to come along. i am my own husband and wife."

i want and need love, support, encouragement, cuddling, sex, intimacy, shared vulnerability, and a lot of other very human things as much as any of us does...but i don't feel like one human can (or i should expect them to) meet all of my needs, and i don't expect myself to be able to meet all the needs of anybody else. we all connect in different ways, and each touch different parts of us, nurture different aspects of each of us....

i'll ramble if i'm let. :) thanks for listening!
 
If I lived in an amazing dream world, my ideal relationship would be between my (strictly mono) ex and my best friend, and we would live happily ever after in a closed V where I'd be married to both of them.

If I had to start from scratch, I guess I'd like being married to only one person, but having one or two romantic friendships that are non-sexual and don't reach relationship level. Tied for first place would be having two husbands, and maybe one romantic friendship.
 
Wow. Great thread.

I honestly don't even know. I assumed my ideal relationship in the beginning would've been me in a V with my husband and a girlfriend, but now I'm not so hard-pressed on that as a goal. If I met another man and we connected, I would go for that too. I am particularly set on exploring my bi-curiousity regardless though.
 
...my ideal relationship would be to live as a solo poly, living alone (as i already do) in my awesome cabin shack, with the options of spending time with him as suits us both; as well as with J (my ex), and also with anybody else, male or female, who moves me to do so, who intrigues me, or with whom i feel myself developing a bond or connection...and for anybody i am connected with in any way to feel free to do the same.

Awesome!


we would all spend time connecting regularly, keeping abreast of what's goin on with each other, what's in each other's heads/hearts/guts, hanging sometimes together as a group and sometimes in smaller intimate groups or one-on-one....

i love playing house - but only for a few days at a time, max! i feel i need as much alone time as i do time with anyone else, and as much time with one of my closest partners as i do with another. there's no one at this point with whom i want to have that "primary" committed relationship, even with the option of having other lovers or partners.

i found a line in "Opening Up" (Tristan Taormino) that pretty much sums up how i feel right now:

"i consider myself to be my primary partner. this is a very real label for me, not something that i adopt while waiting for 'The One' to come along. i am my own husband and wife."

i want and need love, support, encouragement, cuddling, sex, intimacy, shared vulnerability, and a lot of other very human things as much as any of us does...but i don't feel like one human can (or i should expect them to) meet all of my needs, and i don't expect myself to be able to meet all the needs of anybody else. we all connect in different ways, and each touch different parts of us, nurture different aspects of each of us....

i'll ramble if i'm let. :) thanks for listening!

Hey, would you post this over in the "Solo Poly People" thread? And add whatever you want to it. I like your perspective!
 
Almost living my dream. I am involved in a wonderful quad with another couple, we enjoy each others company very much , laughing joking and working. We spent the last week actually living at there place and it was pretty nice. And yes ex is something I enjoy and once or twice a day is great, more to come soon.
 
sure :) sorry, i didn't yet realize there was a thread dedicated to solo poly. am still finding my way around. thanks!
 
This was a very fun thread to read!

I'm pretty close to my ideal :)

Fly (BF) and I have been together a little more than six years, and I feel like we've finally settled into a very comfortable, supportive, trusting relationship. We live together, but have separate bedrooms for space and privacy. We also are raising his 8-year-old son, and are open to having a baby together if it happens. It's taken all this time to work the kinks out, but we're at the point now where we don't have very many "relationship discussions," because we know each other so well, and have worked through anxiety/trust/fear issues extensively and lovingly.

Fly tends to have hook-ups, or date people for a few weeks, and then find new people. I don't understand it, but have come to recognize that it's what makes him happy, and have let go trying to make him "do poly the right way." Part of me being so joyful in my life is related to learning to let him do his thing, and to welcome the energy he brings when he's getting what he wants in his life.

I also have Punk, who I see about once a week. Our relationship is so different than mine with Fly, and I really cherish the time we spend together. He is married, and has a child (who I adore), so it works very well that we are secondarys for each other. The only thing I wish is that he lived closer (he's 30-40 minutes away). I would like to be able to see him more often, on a more casual basis. I think our kids would get along really well also. I'd love to be able to make park playdates, or to meet for a quick spontaneous half-hour to grab ice cream or something in the evening.

I think that I would also enjoy having a female lover-friend, with whom I could be sexually intimate and who also shares interests that my guys don't, like theater, pedicures, shopping, road trips, Grey's Anatomy...:rolleyes:

For the most part, I'm just ecstatic to have two such wonderful guys in my life, and the freedom to build whatever kinds of relationships I want with whomever I choose. This is not the life I pictured for myself, but I had no idea how great things could be until I got to this place :)
 
A little more about gender and why I retain these romantic notions about some balance:

I feel like I thrive in both large and small lateral groups. I find that I do not do very well in hierarchical groups at all (I'm the star you're the fan, you're the boss I'm the worker, I'm the boss you're the worker, etc.) But in peer groups, whether large or small, I feel like I really thrive.

However, when I am in large peer groups and for whatever reason I find myself with a significant gender imbalance, people seem to take leave of their senses and act like idiots (sometimes, not an act). In a large peer group that is predominately male there is generally one monocultural type of idiocy, perhaps best labeled as "typical made idiocy". And likewise, when I find myself among a predominately female group things generally devolve into "any one of a million subtly nuanced forms of complex idiocy".

Whether the differences from male to female are more biological or more socialization is irrelevant. The fact is they're there. And I find that groups that tend toward gender balance are more likely to have the mix of skills and personalities to meet problem solving head on and enjoy the benefits of diversity.

I do recognize that both gender balance and fidelity are my own personal preferences. And believe-you-me I am well aware, sometimes we fall in love with people and the love becomes way more important than our personal preferences. But the actual homework assignment was imagine your ideal relationship. And if I won the relationship lotto and found myself in a situation similar to what I initially described I would be a happy camper.

That's all
I can relate to this a lot. But, there is another factor in my case, which is bisexuality.

Whomever I`m with, male or female, has to be able to approach gender intelligently. Knee-jerk gender loyalty turns me off on both men and women. Men and women are equals also is a turn off, since it`s patently untrue. All men/women aren`t like that, also a turn off since gender patterns are obviously present.

My relationships with women are more challenging, no doubt about it. I don`t want to be fed equality anymore, since it is obvious men and women cannot be equals. Women by-and-large refuse equality when I offer it to them. They want to be socially under me, or I seize to be a sexual prospect (in spite of the fact that I am naturally aggressive in bed, and in bed only). Respect, in the masculine sense, means lack of "confidence" for them. So, it`s no longer a feasible dream, for me. And, therefore not a dream at all.

That being said, I don`t fit into hetero-male idiocy either. And, simply "putting a woman in her place", isn`t enough. And, sounds more like some homoerotic need to impress members of the same gender.

I guess what I am hoping for are biological mutations among both women and men. Bisexuality seems to be the only way to escape having to be a total jerk to women, which is what they appear to want in me, for the most part. I also don`t want to be hanging out with men whose knuckles drag on the ground.

As for gay and bisexual men, I am really happy to have discovered my love for them, and they are now the salt of my Earth. They are my hope and salvation from gender idiocy. Still waiting for women who will surprise me, but no longer holding my breath. I guess they are called unicorns for a reason.
 
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In a perfect world...

My lover and I wouldn't have to hide our feelings, and my husband and I wouldn't have to hide our open marriage or his low libido. We would all be able to love and accept one another without self-consciousness (complicated feelings are fine, we can work through those). I'd be able to go around town with my lover, spend nights at his place and even have him be part of my family. He wouldn't feel awkward telling his friends he's been seeing a married woman for the last year and that we've developed a profound friendship. He would have told his new girlfriend about me the moment they met and she would have been fine with it. Maybe we'd develop a friendship of our own. It'd be so nice to talk about all the things we love about my lover. (I'm uncomfortable being part of his deceit, but I don't know how to let him go yet.) My husband would find an interesting woman for us to share, someone who brings adventure and life experience to the table, someone we can both love. He too would go off and enjoy his private time. Having an additional relationship has given me a beautiful escape from the stress of daily life. I hate having to keep it under wraps, but we have children, work, school, PTA, and carpool, and all the rest of the chaos that goes with raising a family. Our community already thinks of me as a wild card. What feels perfectly natural to me further alienates me.

In a perfect world we would all be polyamorous. And exceptional communicators.
 
I had it once, now I want it again

The first time was with a girlfriend who moved in with me, after her girlfriend room mate moved out to live with her boyfriend, everything was fine with us, both of us openminded, we even went swinging a couple of times but liked our co better, then a call from her ex live in girlfriend, she was all up set, her and her love had split "after she confessed she was bisexual" he flipped called her a whore he told their families she was a lesbian, (ignorance) she needed a place to stay for a week or two so she could store her stuff, of course we said yes but the problem was we only had a king size bed, she would have to sleep on the couch, things were going well with all three of us , then one night my girl confessed she was also bisexual and they were lovers before she found the man of her life, (the idiot)we both felt sorry for her alone on the couch so my girl got up, talked to her and she brought her into the bedroom and started sleeping with us on the king size bed, both girls were afraid I would be jealous if i saw them hugging, but thats when I cleared the air, as the dominant male i made a few rules to follow as so we wouldent feel left out, i told them I have no problem with them making love, but it would be only fare if I made love to her to whenever I felt like it where jealousy and drama would play no part,
my girls happyly agreed, and I have to say their are times I have to do work in my office, and dont you know my girl would destract me sexually and tease me, now she can tease and play with her girlfriend when she is horny, we had the freedom to have sex with each other when ever we wanted, sometimes I would watch the football game in the big chair being waited on, and they would make out on the couch, but we loved threesomes, the girls would go cloths and grocery shopping together, sometimes go out at night together to see a band if I was busy, i have to say it was the perfect arrangement for all of us, we even went to a nudist camp[ together we shared cost three ways and even saved money, life was so f... good for all three of us, we both confessed we loved our girlfriend and she loved us, every body got what they wanted physicly, mentally, financially and sexually, both girls had excellent carreer upper management jobs, I was growing my business, then the depression came with downsizing, first our girl was transfered to florida, then my girl was transfered two months later to the west coast, we all wanted to go together but I coulded go, the economy was getting worse it was a tear jerker for all of us. Since I have been out with strait jealous closed mineded girls that would never understand or call me a pervert, they are all looking to settle down, I just carnt deal with closed minded strait girls anymore.
I have heared from the girls at diferent times, both crying on the phone, both married handsome corporate guys, totally up tight, afraid to tell them they are bisexual, one is in a big house in the burbs she calls jail, hubby comes home on weekends and they fight, the other has two kids that hate her and a cheating hubby, both were crying about the wonderful life we had together and now they are financially stuck..........so im looking... even to live abroad if I have to.
 
In Five Years

I think my ideal relationship would be one where my current girlfriend and I are able to enjoy a loving friendship with a kind and funny man who shares common interests. That whole "opposites attract" theory has never worked well for me. My girlfriend and I share so many interests that there's always something to talk about or do which both of us truly enjoy. No one has to spend a lot of their time tagging along while the other one explores a hobby, we inspire each other to try new aspects of our current interests, and it works very well.

If we could meet someone who would be a friend under any circumstances, because we get along so well, and then add the extra little bit of being able to enjoy physical intimacy also....That would be a dream come true. I think because love is the goal here, as much as friendship, we thought it fit the category of polyamory better than just FWB.

I don't know if we are Unicorn Hunters or not. I was under the impression that term meant a heterosexual man in an established relationship with a bisexual or bi-curious woman, seeking a new bisexual woman. I suppose maybe it means any couple seeking a third member, and has nothing to do with gender. I think the confusion comes in that for a F/F couple to find a middle aged man willing to be intimate with two women seems a much less daunting task than finding this apparently elusive third woman. Maybe I'm way off base on that one.

Time to see what happens if I add a new post to this long-dead thread.:D
 
Time to see what happens if I add a new post to this long-dead thread.:D

You sure you want to know?

People have disappeared in the middle of the night and never been heard from again, for far less heinous offenses than OMG :eek: THREAD MINING :eek: OMG

The moderators will probably let you think up your own punishment THIS TIME.
 
Headlamps needed!!

You sure you want to know?

People have disappeared in the middle of the night and never been heard from again, for far less heinous offenses than OMG :eek: THREAD MINING :eek: OMG

The moderators will probably let you think up your own punishment THIS TIME.


Enquiring minds deserve what they get!

Fortunately I do some of my best work in the dark.:D
I also own a helmet with a headlamp for just such occasions, so now all I have to fear are legions of vampire bats out for my newbie blood.

This reminds me very strongly of ji'e'toh, from the Wheel of Time series, where only the person who has sinned can decide when the punishment fits the crime. I'll go find a teaspoon, and start digging the shouder-deep hole now.:D
 
Time to see what happens if I add a new post to this long-dead thread.:D
Tee-hee, the last post before yours was only this past August. That's not really long-dead. It's just been a few months. Sometimes people resurrect threads that are a few years old, and that's fine, too. If you view a particular forum and sort threads by number of replies, you will see that many of the really long threads go back quite a way in time.
 
"I don't know if we are Unicorn Hunters or not. I was under the impression that term meant a heterosexual man in an established relationship with a bisexual or bi-curious woman, seeking a new bisexual woman. I suppose maybe it means any couple seeking a third member, and has nothing to do with gender. I think the confusion comes in that for a F/F couple to find a middle aged man willing to be intimate with two women seems a much less daunting task than finding this apparently elusive third woman. Maybe I'm way off base on that one."

People use the phrase in different ways, and there's been vigorous debate on the boards before, with no resolution, on the exact definition. Some people focus on the typical m/f couple's search for the mythical hot bi babe... but such an entity is NOT mythical... I mean, I'm bi and not un-hot (and I've got a thing for couples to boot!). :D

So, to me, gender is not the significant thing, rather it's the often-problematic behavior pattern of seeking out a person who can fill a pre-determined niche by "joining" a relationship with an established couple and forming a perfect equilateral triangle. Such a person, who can love two members of a preexisting couple equally, be loved by them equally in return, integrate seamlessly into their lives without significantly changing the life they've built together, not want to get involved with other people, and suffer no feelings of insecurity or jealousy around being the "junior" member of the new triad... THAT individual is the mythical creature, in my eyes.

In terms of what I just described, it doesn't matter whether we're talking two women and a man, two men and a woman, three men, three women, or some combination of genderqueer individuals... it just ain't realistic or wise. It's that behavior that I think constitutes a clear pattern that needs to be identified and pointed out to both people doing it and people being targeted by it, and therein lies the utility of having a shorthand phrase to describe it. Sure it's usually an m/f couple seeking a woman, but I've seen various variations on the gender combo's doing the same.

Since you and Pidge aren't thinking of being involved with both of you as a requirement, merely as a preference... well, I'm no judge or arbiter, and as I stated above this is a term which doesn't even have an agreed upon definition to begin with!... but I'd say you're NOT "unicorn hunters". Nevertheless, since you're engaging in behavior that is at least somewhat similar, it's probably good to be aware of the trope and of the associated pitfalls, so that you can be sure to distinguish yourself from people who really are hunting unicorns, and to avoid said pitfalls.

My 2¢. :)
 
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Poor Toilet Seat Guy

Such a person, who can love two members of a preexisting couple equally, be loved by them equally in return, integrate seamlessly into their lives without significantly changing the life they've built together, not want to get involved with other people, and suffer no feelings of insecurity or jealousy around being the "junior" member of the new triad... THAT individual is the mythical creature, in my eyes.

Since you and Pidge aren't thinking of being involved with both of you as a requirement, merely as a preference... well, I'm no judge or arbiter, and as I stated above this is a term which doesn't even have an agreed upon definition to begin with!... but I'd say you're NOT "unicorn hunters". Nevertheless, since you're engaging in behavior that is at least somewhat similar, it's probably good to be aware of the trope and of the associated pitfalls, so that you can be sure to distinguish yourself from people who really are hunting unicorns, and to avoid said pitfalls.

You bring up some great points to ponder. We truly don't demand or expect that he would love us both equally, just adequately for him feel happy about spending time, both intimate and casual, with us both. I really don't want to try to decide for him how he feels. Maybe he will view this as simply a very affectionate FWB thing on his end? The affection is a truly necessary aspect, though. I wouldn't want The Pidge to ever be treated as a booty call. That is one place I would draw a line.

Also, we've already discussed that we don't have the expectation that he only dates us. He might already have, or want to have, other relationships he sees as more serious than his relationship with us. We are truly trying to remain as open-minded and respectful of this poor Mythical Man as we can, while also clarifying for ourselves what we're really truly wanting.

Whew. This is complicated stuff...pant...pant...:eek:
 
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