How to deal with mono partner? tips for him and me please!

Over a year and a half ago I joined this forum in a very similar situation. I, too, was told "leave your husband and be polyamorous or stay and be monogamous." This all-or-nothing approach felt lose-lose to me. I wanted to bring more love into my life, not lose the great love I already had. So I ignored it, and I'm so glad I did.

If someone told you that you needed to divorce your husband and move on with your poly fantasy then that was short sighted advice. Better advice would be much closer to what most of these posters are recommending, "Decide for yourself if you desire poly or mono relationship style and then proceed accordingly". At that point hubby and bf can decide how they want to proceed.

What happens to the relationship should be of lower priority than living a genuine life. With any luck one can live true to their values AND keep their relationships but one without the other is tragic.

Whether it is right or wrong, a very SMALL percentage of men will ever accept a relationship where their partner goes out and has sex with other men. So before you make this choice I would be sure that is what you want and that this is just still not a NRE fog that you are in.

This is true in the US because there is heavy handed social pressure to be monogamous. In a society which polyandry is the social norm you could probably make a similar statement about the very SMALL percentage of men who will be interested in a monogamous relationship.

Dating/romance worldviews on the fringe of current social norms are going to have a smaller dating pool... true enough. If having a lot of dishes to choose from is a high priority for you then you should heed this advice. If instead living a genuine life is important to you then maybe don't give this high priority.

But just remember if you decide you are poly, that means when your husband leaves you and finds someone else, which will probably happen, the next time you meet a man you should tell him you are poly and have no intentions of maintaining an exclusive relationship with him. That will be fine until you find someone who wants to marry you or enter into a real committed relationship. Then you will see how many will stick around.

This is also very true. If you want to be a part of a real committed relationship it needs to be a sexually exclusive marriage because... wait... what?

What about a poly relationship is not "real" or "committed"? Did you really mean it that way?
 
I am glad it helped you some.

One question: what is DADT?

It means "don't ask, don't tell."

In your situation you are going to feel a whole bunch of things -- its a process. I don't think it is unreasonable in this process to have feelings of "sad" or "guilt." Don't fight it -- just try to be ok feeling whatever it is. At the same time, don't crank yourself up MORE just because you happen to be enduring internal emotional weather right now. Storms eventually pass. Let it blow on through. Wait.

Focus instead on the behavior you need to do/not do that you, husband, and counselor lay out. Weather it's stormy skies or sunny days on the inside -- behavior done is behavior done and behavior not done is behavior not done. YKWIM?

I hope tomorrow's appointment is productive.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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And I'm sorry, but there are plenty of ways to get companionship outside marriage without hurting her husband. She can have a hundred platonic friends. She can have emotional support from other women. This is not a choice between (have sex with another man) or (have no social connection or companionship whatsoever apart from husband.)

Just because you are able to satisfy your own need for companionship with platonic friends doesn't mean other people are. How do you know she hasn't tried that, and it hasn't worked? Obviously if her needs were being met that way, she wouldn't be out there with some other guy. People don't do things just for kicks, they do them to satisfy a need. Every time.

Some people need sex. I personally don't. But that would make it completely ridiculous for me to tell other people "You don't need sex, just be happy with platonic friends" just because I myself don't need sex.

See, with a true NEED, we die without it.

Surviving is not thriving. The needs without which we die are referred to as "physical needs." But stick someone alone in a dark room with ample food, water, and shelter, and tell me how well they do, emotionally and mentally. Obviously humans have "needs" beyond basic survival. Here's an example list: Needs Inventory

She has a need for self-expression and autonomy. Meanwhile, her husband has a need for consideration and respect. She has a desire to sleep with other guys. Being told she's not allowed to do that prevents her need for autonomy from being met. Conversely, doing it means her husband's need for consideration is not being met. Incompatible needs.

But as has been pointed out here, by me and others, making a decision to continue in behavior that is clearly hurting him is going to damage or end the marriage.

I don't disagree that fulfilling her needs (autonomy, self-expression) is incompatible with fulfilling her husband's needs (consideration, respect). However, I don't like the way you blame her for that, as though it's all her fault she has these feelings, and she's destroying her marriage by having them.

As people grow as individuals, it's not uncommon that they grow in different directions. That's no one's fault and it doesn't mean one of them has destroyed the marriage. It just means that people change, and relationships sometimes end. This is especially true if one person in a relationship wants to limit the ways the other person can grow.
 
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Hoyam,

Some of the others have told you to choose the lifestyle, poly or mono, not the boyfriend or husband. Probably a good idea. But just remember if you decide you are poly, that means when your husband leaves you and finds someone else, which will probably happen, the next time you meet a man you should tell him you are poly and have no intentions of maintaining an exclusive relationship with him. That will be fine until you find someone who wants to marry you or enter into a real committed relationship. Then you will see how many will stick around..

I find this statement extremely offensive.

I am very much in REAL COMMITTED relationships with BOTH my husbands. I share the expenses at both homes. Make huge life decisions with both men. I am saving towards retirement with both.

I am polyfidelous I do not go about looking for other partners. Heck I wasn't even looking for Murf. He found me. And he is MONOGAMOUS and perfectly happy in our relationship and marriage. Butch is perfectly happy too.

Why are you even on this site? You apparently are antipolyamory.
 
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Hoyam,

Whether it is right or wrong, a very SMALL percentage of men will ever accept a relationship where their partner goes out and has sex with other men. So before you make this choice I would be sure that is what you want and that this is just still not a NRE fog that you are in.

Again, no one here is telling you anything other than to slow up and continue therapy. How well you listen to that will have a large part in determining the outcome.

Must respectfully disagree. I have encountered what I would call a significant chunk of men who are perfectly happy to have their partner go out and have sex with someone else. Frequently these are straight mono men. They have threesome fantasies; they prefer their partner find another woman. If they aren't allowed to watch or participate, they are willing to be content with material to feed the fantasy.

What they can't deal with is the emotional needs of their partner being met by someone else, or the idea that their partner's partner also has emotional needs that need to be met. Much easier to bounce on the bed with sextoys, not people.

Then there's the swinging community, which can, at its best, divorce the sex from the emotion and yet somehow leave everyone involved content.

Then there's the phenomenon where I've seen people essentially "loan" their spouses to their friends, to satisfy unmet physical needs without jeopardizing friendships or marriages, with everyone's agreement.

Come to think of it, I've seen a lot of non-monogamous behavior promoted by the ostensible straight mono male involved in a committed relationship. Makes me suspect this is yet another case of how society screws men up by demanding they play certain roles.
 
Hoyam,

But just remember if you decide you are poly, that means when your husband leaves you and finds someone else, which will probably happen, the next time you meet a man you should tell him you are poly and have no intentions of maintaining an exclusive relationship with him. That will be fine until you find someone who wants to marry you or enter into a real committed relationship. Then you will see how many will stick around.

A real committed relationship? Oh, define that one for the masses, wise one. And be specific.

I don't call someone a friend until they've stayed in my life for one year. It is an arbitrary time period, yes, but I chose it for valid reasons.

I have found most people can't maintain the demands of a friendship that long, or they exhibit behaviors -- lying, for example -- that eliminates them from the people I want to be friends with.

Once you are my friend, however, I'm there for the long haul. Time and distance may separate us, but I will always be there for those I call friend.

This occasionally blinds me to their faults, and can take the equivalent of setting my house on fire to end the friendship when needed. Fortunately, this is a rare occurrence.

I have seen a lot of marriages that do not maintain the levels of trust, loyalty, and commitment I have in my friendships. To be sure, some of these marriages have lasted a couple of decades or more, but you can see and feel how brittle they are. Others don't survive their own first year.

Certainly I tend to choose romantic partners from my friends, and that seems natural to me -- if I do not first trust someone, why would I let them further into my heart or share my body with them? It's also enabled the friendship to last when the love affair ends. Not always, of course, but often.

A ring and a contract don't make a marriage, or a "real committed relationship", unless everyone agrees on terms and holds to them. Most people in this hetero-mono-centric society assume terms, never discuss them, and then fail to follow what they've nominally agreed to -- hence, infidelity. It's like failing to read the Terms of Service, or your credit card agreement; everyone assumes and no one really knows what they've agreed to until they mess up and get hit with the legal actions.

The terms of _my_ marriage required that it be open; I saw no signs that my would-be husband was naturally monogamous, and I surely wasn't (though unless you knew my early history, most would never guess). The one relationship I've objected to was not because he slept with someone, or even because he developed emotional connections with someone else; I'm good with those. What I objected to was she was _using_ him, was all take and no give, in any meaningful sense, and therefore abusing the friendship, and our family suffered by extension.
 
I agree with Frisky to an extent. I've come across many "poly" men who have no intention of having a life long polyamorous relationship. Ie. when they start to share practical entanglements and/or plan a future with their partner, the expectation is that it will be a monogamous relationship. Or monogamish at least.
 
How To Deal With mono Partner

As usual here, the thread has gone from people trying to give Hoyam advice that is best for HER (Gala Girl, London, Bookbug,Dagferi,Schrodingers Cat, What Happened) to the expected group that is most interested in informing everyone of how perfect their situation is and what their spouse or partner thinks, and going on the attack towards anyone who they disagree with. Gala Girl is probably the most eloquent poster here and whether you agree or disagree with her she is respectful, does not take others posts sentence by sentence and be rude to them, no matter whether she agrees or disagrees. It is interesting that the experts on everything here always use the term “I, ME’ MY”, and the first group address Hoyam as you and your husband and do not tell her this is what I did. Who gives a shit what you did. She is not sitting across the table from you. It is her husband across the table from her.
Kerry Ryan, I will address you. You called me all knowing. If you bother to talk to anyone other than your select group of contacts (of course your world is all that matters), you will find more research published that estimates that no more than 4-6% of the US population practices ongoing forms of non-monogamy, and if you count the number of swingers clubs going up all over the place you would have to conclude that the overwhelming percentage of the 4-6% are not practicing what you want to call poly since this board is full of people looking for anywhere to meet poly people. So accept the fact that your opinion is not in the majority. Does not mean you are not entitled to it but when you state that you know most men are fine with this is ludicrous. And who cares. Tell me how that helps Hoyam..
Hoyam is now in therapy, just started, and she is in this therapy because she has some interest in trying to salvage her relationship with her husband. I always thought that therapy was supposed to be where two people express their deepest beliefs and try to resolve a problem, and it would be interesting to see what her therapist would say if she knows that after each therapy session Hoyam is going to first come up here to get some cheerleading, and then to go home and get on Skype to share her husbands positions with her boyfriend. Maybe some of you think it would also be helpful for her to invite him over for a few nights of passion in between therapy sessions. I’d love to hear the explanation as to how that is going to help her husband who is totally against poly to not feel more betrayed.
I took an interest in this because my youngest daughter is in the same situation but reversed. Her husband has basically done the same thing Hoyam did to her husband. I took her to three therapists, one who has practiced non-monogamy and has helped my wife and I thru some difficult times, and two others that were very expensive and with extraordinary credentials.. All three told my daughter and her husband that while they were in therapy and until they made a decision that all contact between him and the other women had to cease or they were wasting their money.
There is an old saying “would you rather be right or be married” or “would you rather do anything you want” or be married. Whatever you decided is fine for YOU. That does not make it right for her and her husband.
So in conclusion, those of you that want to dissect what I say to take shots at me fine. Make yourself feel good. I could care less. I can assure you I am as educated as you, have had a 30 year marriage much of which was non monogamous without divorce, make an income that puts me in top 1% of US earners, and live in a multi-millon dollar home. None of that matter to Hoyam so you little cyber bullies out there have a party now attacking me.
Maybe you should name you board Polyamory If You Agr
 
Kerry Ryan, I will address you. You called me all knowing.

It's Ren, not Ryan. And I call you wise one, not all knowing. You indicate you react, not read.

So accept the fact that your opinion is not in the majority. Does not mean you are not entitled to it but when you state that you know most men are fine with this is ludicrous.

Again, I was quite specific that my statements came from my observations and experiences. Like any human being, I can and will generalize from them -- as do you.

I am well aware I am not in the majority. I have never in my life been in the majority, and I expect to die in the far fringes of multiple minorities. So what? That does not render my observations false; I swim in the mainstream, even if I do not live in it.

Maybe some of you think it would also be helpful for her to invite him over for a few nights of passion in between therapy sessions. I’d love to hear the explanation as to how that is going to help her husband who is totally against poly to not feel more betrayed.

You seem to be the only one making that suggestion, and I find it fascinating how you claim to read her husband's mind.

There is an old saying “would you rather be right or be married” or “would you rather do anything you want” or be married. Whatever you decided is fine for YOU. That does not make it right for her and her husband.

I'm seeing a fair variety of suggestions here, but you seem to be advocating the One True Way. That does get people's hackles up, whether talking religion, politics, sex or relationships.

So in conclusion, those of you that want to dissect what I say to take shots at me fine. Make yourself feel good. I could care less. I can assure you I am as educated as you, have had a 30 year marriage much of which was non monogamous without divorce, make an income that puts me in top 1% of US earners, and live in a multi-millon dollar home. None of that matter to Hoyam so you little cyber bullies out there have a party now attacking me.
Maybe you should name you board Polyamory If You Agr

None of that matters to anyone, I suspect, so why bring it up at all?
 
I can assure you I am as educated as you, have had a 30 year marriage much of which was non monogamous without divorce, make an income that puts me in top 1% of US earners, and live in a multi-millon dollar home.

Got us a real live table flipping pout-rage up in here!!

What i find diffecult is the fact that i feel here and from my husband that i am selfish to want this.

So are you insisting that your husband be polyamorous, and offer up his love and romance to everyone he meets? Or are you telling him that YOU are polyamorous and that YOU want to retain control over YOUR emotions and body? If you were telling him he needed to go out and date or you're leaving him that would be one thing... you'd be trying to get him to change who he is to suit your personal preference. As it is you are fine with his being monogamous if that's what he wants to do but you want him to accept that you are not monogamous.

Does that sound selfish? Asking a loved one to accept you how you are and telling them that you can handle your own body and emotions?

What about his insisting that you live a monogamous life and that your dreams of polyamory are unacceptable? What about his telling you that you need to change to suit his personal preference? Is that selfish? Maybe, not that it really matters. If he's monogamous and that is not negotiable then he is right to make this clear - If you are polyamorous and that is not negotiable then you need to make that clear...

There's no need for a bad guy, it just may be time to redefine the nature of your association. As difficult and painful as that might be in the short run, in the long run I believe living a genuine life is better than living in service to each others fear of change.

I always recommend fixing one relationship before adding others to your life. If your relationship with the other guy has any substance, it will still be there if you take a few months off to really deal with your marriage. If your commitment to your marriage is sincere, you can sacrifice a few months without the other guy while you really repair the cracks.

What makes the relationship with boyfriend less valid than the one with hubby? Treating a relationship as if it is secondary is cruel in my opinion and I hope that people move away from this as the standard response.

Tomorrow therapy. I will deffinately take this all with me.

How did it go? I'm actually quite curious to know how the counselor plans on addressing this situation (though I expect "ditch the boyfriend, be monogamous, everything else is a selfish sin" will be about the extent of it)
 
KerryRen

Thanks for responding and pointing out that no one cares about my personal situation. Exactly, so why should your husbands personal opinion on poly be of concern to anyone.
Or whether he is in favor of your arrangement or not or any of the other “success” stories some are spouting here.

I am not speaking for Hoyams husband. She has expressed numerous times he wants no part of this right now, so what would you conclude his feeling would be if she continues on with the relationship while they are in therapy.? She has not come on here and said he is fine with it. As a matter of fact, Hoyam has stated she is worried he is considering divorce, so I think my statements of what he MIGHT be thinking have a better than average chance of being fairly accurate.

All I am saying is I wonder if the therapist knows and approves of Hoyam leaving their sessions and coming over here for more therapy from a group of people who agree with her, that have not heard a word from her husband, and for the most part have made up their mind it is his problem. Again, if YOU were her husband, how would you feel about that knowing what she has told us. Don’t care what your husband thinks. Its her husband she has to deal with.

I hope she comes to her senses, and she just concentrates of going through with the therapy between the two of them and once the decision is made she can come back for support if she chooses to wind up divorced (no not certain but likely) and wants to remain poly. If she remains with her husband, that does not doom her to a life of misery and deprivation, and she probably will not find anything useful here.

Markus

If you can say that a relationship that has consisted of a couple of nights in the sack and a lot of Skyping and phone calls should be immediately equal to a ten year marriage should give everyone a sense of your sense of rationality. I am sure you are very successful in life with that attitude.
 
Markus

If you can say that a relationship that has consisted of a couple of nights in the sack and a lot of Skyping and phone calls should be immediately equal to a ten year marriage should give everyone a sense of your sense of rationality. I am sure you are very successful in life with that attitude.

That is out of left field and totally uncalled for. I understand that you find yourself in a position where a couple of posters do not explicitly agree with every word you have uttered but that gives you no reason to make ugly backhanded personal attacks.

Christ, dude. Who took a shit in your Cheerios?

And it's "Marcus"
 
friskyone4u said:
I took an interest in this because my youngest daughter is in the same situation but reversed. Her husband has basically done the same thing Hoyam did to her husband.

Frisky, I'm very sorry your daughter is struggling in her marriage and you bear witness to her pain. I imagine you very are concerned for her well being. :(

Note: The paragraph spaces are mine below in the quote to make it easier for me to read.


friskyone4u said:
Hoyam is now in therapy, just started, and she is in this therapy because she has some interest in trying to salvage her relationship with her husband.
*
I always thought that therapy was supposed to be where two people express their deepest beliefs and try to resolve a problem,
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and it would be interesting to see what her therapist would say if she knows that after each therapy session Hoyam is going to first come up here to get some cheerleading, and then to go home and get on Skype to share her husbands positions with her boyfriend. Maybe some of you think it would also be helpful for her to invite him over for a few nights of passion in between therapy sessions.
*
I’d love to hear the explanation as to how that is going to help her husband who is totally against poly to not feel more betrayed.

From what I understand of it -- Hoyam's husband is not totally against poly. He agreed to open and try it on. It's just that after having tried it on he found Hoyam's hinge skills unbalanced. He asked her to address it but she didn't. It got to where he got tired of asking her to address it and was ready to walk. That seemed to be the wake up call for Hoyam. So she could open her eyes and see where her hinge skills could use work and where her marriage could use work. She's now trying hard to address it and heal the marriage. Whether her husband decides to continue to not with polyshipping and risk trusting in Hoyam's hinge skills again remains to be seen.

I could guess wrong, but is this kind of stuff that your son-in-law did? Go to therapy with your daughter, and right after got on Skype to share confidential therapy info with his GF? Went off to share sex with the GF in between therapy sessions? And then your daughter found all this out and felt even more betrayed?

If so, I could see why this topic might be triggering you.

If you can say that a relationship that has consisted of a couple of nights in the sack and a lot of Skyping and phone calls should be immediately equal to a ten year marriage should give everyone a sense of your sense of rationality.

Could you be talking about your daughter and your son-in-law there? :confused:

Hoyam has been with her BF for a year or so. It's not been "a couple of nights in the sack" for her as far as I can tell.

You seem to be angry, and I will guess maybe with his behavior? (the son-in-law.) :confused: I could guess wrong. If I guess right? I don't know what you want to do about that anger at this time.

I do observe what seems like anger to be "leaking out" through your posts to other people though. Could it be possible that you are expressing your upset with your son-in-law's behaviors on this thread because you need to vent somewhere about it? I could be wrong, but that's how it appears to me right now. :confused:

If I am guessing right? Could you be willing to start a new thread from the perspective of a father (with positive non monogamy experience) coping with watching an adult daughter struggling (with her negative experience of -- cheating that was presented to her as "poly?" Or poly but a bungled attempt at it?) Then this thread could stay more on topic for Hoyam's benefit and you could benefit from having opportunity to receive feedback on your own situation more directly. I wouldn't mind reading it separately and trying to give you feedback.

Again, I am very sorry your daughter is struggling in her marriage. I am also very sorry that as her father you have to bear witness to your daughter's pain. It's sometimes hard to hurt for one's adult children and not be able to aid them as much as one might like to. :(

respectfully,
Galagirl
 
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Gala Girl

Thank you for your input. I believe initially Hoyams posts stated her husband was willing to try but was at the point that it was either boyfriend or husband. I have not seen anything she has said that has indicated that he is willing to accept poly now in any form. If I am wrong about that assumption than I stand but the original post was that she had to choose.
 
Gala Girl

Thanks also about your concern about my daughter. I'm not angry about that. Three therapists told SIL that if he wanted to try to R he had to go NC with his other women. He chose to follow his head below his waist.
Now he has 30 days to remove himself from the home I bought for them.
Daughter is fine will be happier in 31 days when he is gone.

No triggers when people respond like you. I could pull every sentence out of a lot of these posts and attack the individual like some do.
A forum is for debate of viewpoints. You will notice I do not pull sentences out of posts and attack the individual unless someone does it to me.
Never tolerated bullies. Never will
Would love to hear if your interpretation of Hoyams husband being willing to continue to live poly is correct. If so then I agree he has no reason to complain if he does not stand up for himself.
 
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My problem with the OPs stance isn't that she had discovered she may be poly. It's that she seems to think her husband should just be okay with it and not piss on her parade.

If she chooses polyamory and cuts off her marriage, she isn't a bad guy at all. What is making her a bad guy in my books is trying to manipulate her husband into agreeing to be unhappy to make her happy.

I don't think that she can salvage her marriage, be poly and not focus on fixing her spousal relationship. I think she needs to at least take a break from the boyfriend, not because he is less important but because it's the only way to end up with both in the long term.
 
Thanks everybody for your input. I see people having different opinions and some more 'judgemental' than others. It is hard to read, but, well, this is reality.
Like london writing i am bad for manipilating him. Well, i see it different, i see it that people negotiate in a mariage. Sometimes about what to eat for dinner or where we should spend our money on. Sometimes about real important, basic things like this. And i feel i have a right to talk about this, just as he has the same right.
Just like friskyone4u writes: i do something against my husband. As if i make him a victim. Well, he may not aprove, he may dislike, but we talked about every step of the way. After i noticed my first feeling i told him. 10 minutes after the first meeting with him. I never kissed or had sex without talking about it with my husband. So yes, we are in a situation together, but just like he didn't ask for me getting feelings, i didn't ask for it. And maybe i made bad decisions, i can admit with the knowledge i have now, but i made them all together with him.

Anyhow, as galagirl says, she is right. My husband was not against poly. He tried together with me, while i was more enthousiastic than him. I made mistakes in balance, he made mistakes in shutting me out instead of connecting with me. So at the moment of posting his message was making me chose. Now, he still feels he is not poly, wants a mono relationship, only doesn't force me to chose. About a decision he says: ,,i am still here, not packing my bags, trying therapy together". So it is not at the point of chosing anymore, but it would take a lot (a miracle) for him to want this.

The therapist yesterday... We were there for 1,5 hour so don't know how to explain.
He explained the process, the time aspect. He explained people going to poly with first talking is a more long and easy road. But in our situation, it is more bumpy, but also more clear and obvious. And he told us that this is our reality. And we both have different realities. So about the boyfriend... Unlike other people say, he told me to go and find out what i want with that. Meaning that if i feel the need to go there i should go. But he explained my reality is that i shouldn't look for my husbands approval. Also my husband talked about giving me space by moving out for a while. Even if i don't want that, he advised to make plans for that. And my husband has to deal with his reality of my reaction on that. So what he tried to say was that we have to accept reality as it is. Not expecting something from the other, but facing reality. And in this way we get moving again. Cause standing still won't help us.
Also he explained a lot about the emotions being more important than the discussions. For example how i devide time. My husband feels diffecult that when i am with him, i have somebody else on my mind and in my heart also. While i think, normally this thinking or this time was also not spend on you. So he emphasized the difference in between feeling and the discussions itself.
For me i think the challange is in realy facing my reality of not having the possibility of my biggest wish. For my husband, he realy focused on his self confidence. And he explained to my husband that he shouldn't put everything on this 'coat rack' of poly (sorry, i translate from my own language). For example, when i compliment my husband, he thinks i only do this cause i want to be with the boyfriend. So he explained that putting everything on the coat rack of poly, that only makes poly more heavy and is not helping himself. Cause his self confidence was bad long before the boyfriend came in his life.

Well a long story, don't know how to explain well, cause it is messy in my head at the moment. I cried my eyes out, husband also. Even though i know this is good and nessecairy, it is a hard road. So so hard. For both of us.
 
And he told us that this is our reality. And we both have different realities. So about the boyfriend... Unlike other people say, he told me to go and find out what i want with that. Meaning that if i feel the need to go there i should go. But he explained my reality is that i shouldn't look for my husbands approval. Also my husband talked about giving me space by moving out for a while. Even if i don't want that, he advised to make plans for that. And my husband has to deal with his reality of my reaction on that. So what he tried to say was that we have to accept reality as it is. Not expecting something from the other, but facing reality. And in this way we get moving again. Cause standing still won't help us.

I am shocked in a really good way. It sounds like your counselor doesn't have a monogamous agenda but is merely interested in guiding you through this process and helping you face the reality of your situation.

Good for you. I hope you keep seeing this therapist even after this situation has resolved itself one way or the other. It's difficult to find a therapist who doesn't have an agenda and puts reason over tradition so hang on to this one!!

Well a long story, don't know how to explain well, cause it is messy in my head at the moment. I cried my eyes out, husband also. Even though i know this is good and nessecairy, it is a hard road. So so hard. For both of us.

Sorry, Hoyam. No matter which way this turns out I have no doubt it will be tough getting to resolution. Fortunately it sounds like your heart is in the right place and you have a sane therapist so I'm rooting for your happiness.
 
But you are using that word to justify pressing on with what you want, in the face of your husband's clear objection, pain, and unwillingness to change the terms of marriage to which he agreed.

No one, not her or the husband, is required to be in a relationship that is unfulfilling. If she truly makes her husband feel pain, then he has the right to leave.

Hoyam, as for you, there is nothing you can do to "make" your husband feel loved. You can show him through your actions, tell him through your words, to encourage him to believe he's loved. But you can't "make" him have a feeling.
 
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No one, not her or the husband, is required to be in a relationship that is unfulfilling. If she truly makes her husband feel pain, then he has the right to leave.

Hoyam, as for you, there is nothing you can do to "make" your husband feel loved. You can show him through your actions, tell him through your words, to encourage him to believe he's loved. But you can't "make" him have a feeling.

Loving the personal accountability vibe. Well said.
 
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