An update... huge breakthrough progress...
If you've been reading my posts - you know I've lost my mind in the last 10 days or so. Its been a hell ride and I couldn't figure out why. I pushed for it, I wanted it, and now that we ARE poly - I turned into this nasty, jealous, irrational woman.
It has been a hell week and a half for everyone.... Wellington, Pengrah, me, I'm sure Ari has had to deal with some of it - and my kids... my poor kids who haven't been able to sleep and have had tummy aches from the continual stress.
So back ground on me and my relationship with Wellington (did you really have to pick such a long name hun? LOL)
Summer of 2008 - we decided to explore BDSM. Well - more of *I* needed to, and the dynamics of our relationship were such that he wasn't going to be the one to Dominate me. The Dom I connected with was unavailable - and so over that summer, as I waited... I ... encouraged .... W to play with me. We discovered that yes, this really worked for us. We played around with various roles and based on my needs and his proclivities, we came to the Daddy/babygirl roles in our D/s relationship.
This is not ageplay for us. It is more of a safe harbour for me. I am, in my daily life, very strong, independent, in control, and in charge. Especially after his heart attacks - I kept walls up - I must be strong, I must be the rock I must be the one everyone can lean on.
In the Daddy/babygirl relationship - I am fragile, I am safe, I am vulnerable, I am able to lean on him. I trust him to take care of me, to keep my best interests at heart, and to do what's best. I trust him to not hurt me or leave me hurting.
Plus there's a lot of really fun hurty play that excites me
Then I pushed for poly. And he met a very special, lovely woman who he has an amazing connection with. I was excited for it. I suggested that he invite her down to our house, we'd hang out for a bit then the two of them could go downstairs to the family room, have some snuggle time, some get to know you time, sorta 'date' time. I fully expected and suggested that he would spend the night in the spare room with her. (non-sexually) I was truely excited and happy for them, and hoping to find my own connection... all connections I had made to this point were at the 'friendship' level.
Sunday night comes. She's heading back from a visit with her sister, and it seems *perfect* for her to stop in Squamish, hang out, have the visit and then head on to Whistler the next day.
And then there was a conversation to be had. I don't have very high self-esteem right now. And we had a very uncomfortable and awkward conversation about MY health which left me feeling less. I don't feel attractive or wanted or anything and then I felt less. Add to that all the NRE floating around my house. He's all happy and gushy and I feel less. And I do what I need to do to keep my husband happy and stuff the feeling less down - so I sit up all night crying and end up baking chocolate chip cookies at 2am.
The basis of my personality plus our D/s relationship is that I need to please him. I need to make him happy. I didn't feel, at that point, that I had the right or option to change the plans for the night - and so I told him to go to her. And he went. He left me for her.
I lost my mind. Couldn't figure out why I did. Why did I suddenly become a crazy lady with jealousy and insecurity issues? Why did I need so badly? I made life a living hell for my husband. His blood pressure went up, he developed insomnia - all very BAD things for a cardiac patient. We fought a lot. Our kids suffered.
So last night - we're talking - and it very quickly degenerates into a fight. He leaves to go calm down, I go to have a bath, and we come back together to talk about it. My issue is that I *need* to be ok before Pengrah comes up for a visit tomorrow (today) I need to NOT be in as much pain and we NEED to talk about this - because if I can't get that dealt with - the brutal honesty she wants is going to hurt. And badly. And it might push her away. And my husband will be hurt. And it will be a nasty uncomfortable evening.
So I ask him. What if? What if the pain is too great for me? What if its so VERY painful that I need them to back off to just texts and phone calls?
He gets mad, says I should trust him and I say I don't. He is taken aback. It degenerates into a bit more of a fight.
Finally (and I don't remember how) it comes out that I don't trust him because he left me, in pain and hurting, to go be with her on that first Sunday. I don't trust that he'll keep me safe, that he'll BE there for me, because he wasn't. I don't trust him anymore. HOLY FUCK.
Tears and sadness and all of a sudden we BOTH feel a weight lifted. We know what's happened and why I lost my mind. We both agree that he shouldn't have left me. He should have followed his instincts and stayed with me. He didn't. In his words - he fucked up and now we're all paying for it.
At the end of it all - I told him that I didn't feel I had the right to cancel Pengrah's visit. I felt like I was stuck with it because I had agreed to it. Also that I didn't know if I could handle it and I KNEW I couldn't handle the heavy "conversations" that she wanted to have with me because the issue isn't, and never has been between her and I. I like her. I think she's great for my husband and I know she has a primary relationship and doesn't want to "steal" him from me. The issue is one of trust between Wellington and I. I need to be able to trust him and I don't.
So I told him that I was leaving it in his hands, that he would have to make the decision (no hidden agendas, no testing him) about her visit.
He made his decision, Pengrah is at my house today, and I am looking forward to the evening with both of them. Parameters have been set and we'll see where the evening progresses. But for now, I need to trust that he's going to do what's right for US and I don't ... exactly...
Today, though, I'm not feeling all twisty inside. I don't need to know what they're talking about or how they're interacting. That's fucking amazing when I think about the last 10 days.
Things are good. I can see the light. I know the problem, we finally got to the core of it all. We can get through this.
Today, I see a happy future. And my feelings match it