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Old 07-28-2012, 04:08 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 943

Originally Posted by coolkat8 View Post
We have a long history, we were together for a few months a couple years ago but it ended because he was not being honest with his wife about us. He now is separated and finally we can be together without any secrets. We are great when we are together, he makes me so happy. The problem is he is not good about keeping in touch in between our meet up times.
In the past, he wasn't totally honest with me when we started years ago, indicating his wife was ok with us being together but later found out she wasn't. IT ended badly. We got back together last fall briefly, he was still living with his wife even though they were separated. They fought all the time, he thought he could handle seeing me but with the stress of the marriage ending he decided he couldn't and sent me a "text' saying he couldn't see me anymore.
... like we are supposed to get together tomorrow but he still hasn't responded about when we are meeting and where. I like to plan ahead and this is so hard for me to be patient!
He's lied to you a few times. He's lied to his wife. He's dumped you by text. He doesn't let you know if he'll be there until the last minute. What is it about him that's so great that makes you so happy when he keeps treating you like this?

My question is how often does everyone keep in touch with their secondarys?
It's interesting reading everyone's response and their reasons for how little or how much they keep in touch. I myself am the 'secondary.' My BF would like me to call him every day--he doesn't like calling me because he never knows when I'll be with kids, students, or walking into church or some other place I can't talk.

I have to admit, I would like to talk every day. I'd even like to call a couple of times a day, and I think he would like that, too. I don't because, as the 'secondary,' and being otherwise single while he's otherwise with his wife, I feel a need--a very strong need--to keep some sort of independence, to keep (let's be honest) some walls up, not to wrap my life around someone who can never be that everything to me, around someone who's out partying with his wife while I'm dealing with a very heavy load of responsibility single-handedly.

It may sound cruel, and I don't mean it cruelly, it's more a form of self-protection--but I also don't call more often, even knowing he'd welcome it, because I feel like it keeps some balance in the relationship.

I sometimes feel like I have no right to make demands because I am married and he and I can never be more than what we are now. I also get a lot of anxiety when I don't hear from him for days and worry "what if he is losing interest" "what if he found someone else" and my imagination gets the best of me. I appreciate any thoughts!
This is the beauty of forums--to be able to hear each others' stories. See, I feel I have no right to anything because I'm 'just' this toy outside the real relationship, a diversion, someone that will come and go in his life. I know others who are in my BF's position of being the married partner say they do not feel this way at all about their single secondary relationships. But it's hard not to feel that way when you know darn well who he's made the commitment to, who has to come first, who he's going home to every night, who could pull the plug on this if she really wanted to (although their veto is not on individual relationships but on the lifestyle itself if either of them wants to quit.)

There's this disturbing feeling at the back of my mind that if I do anything to piss her off, I get the axe (more of a situational thing than about her in particular). It feels like a two against one thing, and even more unbalanced, in that he doesn't really have to worry too much about treating me well because he has her there every night anyway whereas I have to worry about pleasing two people. (These are only my feelings about this situation in general terms, btw, absolutely not how he or she has ever acted, and not a mode into which I'll allow myself to slip.)

And yet...reading your fears, I understand BF even more deeply. He keeps talking about his fear of losing me. And obviously he has reason to fear--he knows that this arrangement is hardly likely to be suitable to a single mother forever. We had a recent incident where I sent him a letter full of good things--but his fear is so deep that he interpreted everything completely differently from how I meant it and actually thought I was breaking up with him. I believe it was a direct result of his fear, and your words have helped me see it really is that bad for him.

I do like the idea of clarifying with him about telling me if he's going to end it and stopping my anxiety.
This is my bf's fear, too, that I'll end it abruptly, and I guess I don't really know what it is he's asking of me/ that you're asking of your bf. To give you advance warning? I don't at all mean to sound facetious, but relationships end often enough and neither you nor he can read the future.
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