View Single Post
Old 07-27-2012, 04:19 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

I can absolutely understand why you feel anxious, stressed and upset.

Am I getting this right - you dated him briefly a while ago, but there was some lying in relation to his wife... now you've been dating him again for about a month?

Despite the history, this is still a very young relationship then? Has he said that he loves you? Does he profess to feel the same connection that you feel?

It sounds very much like you don't want to rock the boat and I'm just getting this sense that you are very much attached to him and scared that he doesn't feel the same way. There's a slight feeling that perhaps he calls the shots and you're feeling a little bit sprung??

As other people have said - how much you contact each other really depends on the individual relationship.

Me personally?

If I am deeply in love with someone, I like to speak to them every day. My GF and I live (very) long distance and spend 4-8 hours a day talking on skype. With exes, I'd call at lunch time, or at least send a text or two, then call before bed.

As for those I'm not in love with, like my FWB/'secondary', who lives only an hour away... I struggle to talk on a daily basis.

My last secondary wanted to talk every day. She'd text every morning, every night and talk on skype in between. If I didn't reply for half a day, she'd text me again. I communicated again and again that this is not what I wanted... but essentially, she needed more than I could give.

When my current secondary started texting me every morning and doing a similar thing, I sat her down and reminded her that I am not that way. I told her that I genuinely care for her... but I'm not in love with her, not wanting to be in love, not wanting to talk every day... I don't even have the time. She understood this and was glad that I'd pointed it out... because now, she didn't have to worry if I disappeared for a day.

The harsh truth is... I don't want to make the time.

I am very much inside my own head and I am content to not speak to anyone, besides my girlfriend, for a good few days. I'm also very forgetful and I'll often get a text, read it and forget to reply.

My priorities of time are: my GF, my business, myself, then friends and secondaries.

The more someone texts me, the more claustrophobic I feel. I can be crazy about someone... and then if I feel pushed... my walls go up and I want to run away.

Now.. I'm not saying that secondaries should come at the bottom of the list by default. I'm saying that this is what works for me. I still think of my secondaries as being just as important in terms of being a human being. I owe the same communication and respect to them as I do my primary partner. But my desires and expectations are less for my secondaries. I think you need to find out what the expectations are between you and your guy.

Don't be afraid of being honest about your feelings. It's not only your right to be nurtured; but it's your responsibility to get your expectations and needs out there.

If he's reassuring about his emotions and it truly is a communication thing, you'll have to ride it out and see if you are getting what you want from him. Try backing off a bit with the communication and see if this creates a better balance. If he's cagey and not reassuring about his feelings, don't ignore it. You might not like the truth, but the truth is always better than kidding yourself...

Let us know how you get on.
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
Reply With Quote