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Old 04-28-2010, 10:57 PM
merry merry is offline
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 15
Default The downside of poly

I'm lost in limbo, waiting.

A few weeks ago, I told my husband that our third (his girlfriend) needed to move out of our house because I didn't want her to be part of our family household. She's been living with us for about a year and a half. There were some serious communication issues between her and I that 4 months of group therapy couldn't reconcile.

I don't mind if they continue to date, but with her living elsewhere, and the relationship boundaries changed to an appropriate secondary. This is the only compromise I could find.

I've been married to my husband for nearly 8 years. Its been a good marriage, very strong. We had such great trust and communication, so that's why we both got into poly together. That's why I'm especially stunned and hurt at his response to this. I understand him being upset that I don't want her to be part of the family anymore, and I've given him time for that (and he and I have been seeing a therapist together). I know that it will take time for him to cope with the loss of what we were originally hoping and working for.

But it's been a few weeks now, and my husband still hasn't made any definitive statement or decision on the matter - nothing to suggest that he even really accepts my decision, or my right to make it. They are abiding the rules of the new relationship boundaries he and I put in place when I first brought this up (like reducing their nights together to 2 a week), but he bridles at it. He even casually mentioned this morning about the cell phones that we had been talking about buying for all of us - back when there WAS an "all of us." When I quietly reminded him that things have changed, he just went silent on me.

She's still here, looking for a job so she can move out. She hasn't come to me about anything. I don't even know if she really respects our marriage or not - if she's actually willing to be a homewrecker, or whether she's mature enough to step back. I think she'd continue to date him after she moves out, but he's concerned about her dealing with "having what she can't have anymore rubbed in her face."

I don't understand what he has to choose. Its all of me and some of her; or, all of her. Our 8 year relationship, our marriage, isn't worth potentially losing this 1.5 year one? I feel like shit. I've slept little, cried a lot, and I try hard to maintain myself as much as I can around him so I don't seem needy and pressuring. But we have talked, he knows how scared and anxious I am... but never gives any real reassurances. When I broke down recently and asked him he was going to leave me, he just responded with, "I don't want anything to end." I don't even know what's on the table for him.

Today he's seeing our therapist on his own again. I said to him that I hope he's able to talk it through with her and reach a decision, because this limbo was too hard for me to handle. I don't know what else to do.

I wish I had done so many things differently. But I trusted my husband, so there were a lot of rules that were never really established. Supposedly I had the right to veto his partners, but I've never done that. I tried VERY hard to stay as far away from ultimatums as possible. I never, ever thought we could come this this sort of situation. I never could have imagined he might leave me for another woman. He's a good man, an honest one, and I would have said honorable as well.... but now I have no idea who he is, or is becoming. I feel heartbroken.
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