Being a Mono in a Mono-Poly Relationship: How to Cope?

ManTheMyth

New member
Hello everybody,

So this is my first post here as this is really the first time this has become an issue in my life. I guess I'll start with the back story.

So I have been with my fiance for nearing 2 years now, and we are madly in love with each other, and perfect for each other in every way, except sexually. My fiance has a regular sex drive, and I am leaning towards being asexual. I'm not fully asexual, I do have sex, but I don't desire it.

We realised this was an issue early on but kind of hoped it would solve itself. It didn't, obviously, and actually became a larger issue in time, and even after trying therapy we still don't have a real solution.

We have discussed the idea of opening the relationship a few times, but this weekend we finally seriously discussed it, and decided it was a viable solution. I am a monogamous male, and while my fiance is not polyamorous, for the sake of her sexual desires and sexual attraction being fulfilled, we have agreed to enter a mono-poly relationship.

I understand that my fiance is not really polyamorous but I do understand polyamory can come in all shapes and sizes, so this is our situation.

Getting to the stage of accepting to open the relationship was difficult, and I am unsure as to how successful this will be. Not actually being polyamorous entering a poly world will be hard for my fiance, and will obviously be a big challenge for me too.

So far I am okay, since nothing has happened yet, it's just been approved so to speak. We have set our ground rules and are both content with them.

However, I am scared how it will ACTUALLY be, living with it for our entire lives. How will I cope being at home, knowing my fiance is out with a guy? How do I sit by watching her get ready to go on dates when I'm not invited? How do I sleep at night in an empty bed, knowing my fiance could be lying next to someone else?

To anybody who is the mono side of a mono-poly relationship, how do you cope? Does it get easier in time? I feel it's going to be extremely difficult to begin with, for both of us.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 
Hi ManTheMyth,

Re:
"How will I cope being at home, knowing my fiancée is out with a guy?"

Poorly at first. But it will help if you can find things to occupy your me time. Stuff you enjoy. Hobbies. People. A social life that is independent of your fiancée.

Re:
"How do I sit by watching her get ready to go on dates when I'm not invited?"

I would suggest you avert you gaze. Go do something else; don't be in the same room. If you obsess over the problem it will only make it worse.

Re:
"How do I sleep at night in an empty bed, knowing my fiancée could be lying next to someone else?"

Perhaps not at all, at first at least. I guess that's what sleeping pills are for, though I can't guarantee they'll do the trick (at first).

Re:
"How do you cope?"

Franklin Veaux's poly/mono web pages might help.

Re:
"Does it get easier in time?"

Usually -- but not always. There are cases where the monogamous person is just "too monogamous" to be able to stand the polyamorous element. You won't know whether you're able to do it until you try.

What you have to decide is how long you're going to try it before throwing in the towel. Only you can decide that, although I'd suggest that if you've been trying for a year and nothing has improved, that might be long enough.

Another thought is to set up sessions with a poly-friendly therapist. I have some links for finding one if you're interested.

Proposing to embark on a poly/mono journey isn't an easy proposal. It can be worth it in the long run, but for now it's mostly just a way to show your fiancée that you have her best interests at heart.

Good luck and please keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for your advice Kevin. Are you in a mono-poly relationship yourself?

We haven't been trying for a year yet, we have only just agreed to do it (she hasn't actually been with a guy yet).

I think you're right that time will tell. It's a little different for us as it's not just me that is going to struggle, my fiance is finding it hard too. She is really monogamous as well and the only reason we are exploring this is because she isn't fulfilled sexually. The whole process of dating again for her is not something she enjoys and I think it will actually take a long time for her to find the right person.

It's going to be a journey for both of us, I just hope it works out.
 
This is a tricky one, because you are here claiming that both you and your wife are monogamous. You've bumped up against the dark side of monogamy, in that committing yourself to just one person emotionally and sexually means that you each control the others means and frequency of sexual expression, and have realised that this is unfair in the current situation. I am not surprised you have a lot of fear here - I would too. For many people, monogamous or not, the act of having sex with another creates opportunity for deep emotional bonding to occur. I think you both need to acknowledge the fact that she is likely to develop feelings for the person she is fucking, regardless of whether that is her intent or not. If she *is* strongly monogamous, she is going to find it very hard to reconcile those feelings for another with her feelings for you.

Many mono partners of poly people on this forum have described the differences between mono and poly ways of relating quite articulately. The analogy that sticks in my mind (sorry - can't remember who actually posted this!) is that of a pendulum. The mono person feels like developing feelings for a new person actually detracts away from their ability to feel close to their existing partner - the pendulum can swing from person to person, but can't be in both places at the same time. For them, love is not an infinite resource (or perhaps love in general is, but the specific energy and intimacy that go with a romantic relationship really is singular), and therefore when a new partner enters the situation, they feel like there is a lessening of energy for the existing partner. Obviously, we most often see this playing out in the context of the mono partner reflecting this mind-set on their poly partner, and feeling scared that their poly partner is going to leave them for another. This is easy to counter, because poly people don't seem to see the world this way. Mono-poly relationships can do well when both partners understand the other mind-sets, but can realise that their own fears are not based on anything real because that's *not* how their lovers mind works.

You don't have the luxury of this logic. Your partner is mono. You are mono. You have no idea whether your wife becoming sexually intimate with another will lead to her falling in love, and whether that love will naturally supersede her feelings for you. And that really sucks.

I think the ideal situation the pair of you are looking for here is really more like a swinging, 'sex-only' arrangement, that looks only at getting her needs met in that domain. I do believe it's incredibly unrealistic to expect her to not develop feelings for someone she is intimate with, but I also think it's incredibly unrealistic for her to suppress her own sexuality because of your needs, just as it's incredibly unrealistic for you to go against your own grain to try to meet her needs. The only advice I can offer if you both go down that route, is to encourage her to find sexual partners who she likes, has great chemistry with, but who lacks some of the key attributes she normally seeks in a long term partner. I've been thinking about why some of my partners are ones I fall for versus why some of them are just good friends who I have good sex with of late, and that's what it comes down to. The sexual friendships I have exist quite comfortably and naturally, without any desire on either part to make it more romantic, because on some levels we are incompatible as a couple. Interestingly, I find those incompatibilities attractive in small doses.

As an example, Scandi and I have been dating for about six months or so. He is a very charming, very cocky, slightly arrogant, confident-on-the-outside-insecure-on-the-inside, highly extroverted, bouncy, fun guy. We have a fabulous time hanging out, but in many ways he is the opposite of my 'type'. Cockiness and arrogance and putting on a front are big turn-offs for me normally, because they are usually barriers to intimacy. If I want a full on relationship with someone, I don't want those to be in place. If I were mono and single I would either be attempting to knock down those barriers with a sledgehammer and asking him to open up more to me, or I'd be walking on by. Because I'm not, and I have others in my life who I can be more emotionally intimate with, I can just accept him as he is, and just enjoy our friendship. I'm sure he is more open with his wife and other girlfriends, but with me, he likes to play the outgoing extrovert and I'm very happy to let him. I can be more outgoing and playful too in some sense.

In short, I think there is a way for your wife to explore sexually outside of your relationship in a satisfying way, but I fear it will take a bit of a leap of faith from you both. Perhaps she will discover she really is a little bit poly, deep down, and come back to you energised and happy, and with you happy too. Perhaps she will discover she is still mono at heart, but find a way of nurturing some intimacy with others in a way that doesn't take away from you - either by keeping the other person at a distance, or just finding the right kind of dynamic where they both feel content to keep it on a friendship level. Perhaps she will discover that she would be happier leaving the relationship with you and pursue something mono with someone more compatible sexually. Perhaps you will discover the same. I don't know. I know it won't be easy, either way. I do think it's great that you are talking so openly about this together though, and I wish you both the very best.
 
Re (from ManTheMyth):
"Thanks for your advice Kevin."

Of course.

"Are you in a mono-poly relationship yourself?"

No sir, although as one leg of a poly-fi V, I only have one partner whereas my partner has two partners.
 
This is a tricky one, because you are here claiming that both you and your wife are monogamous. You've bumped up against the dark side of monogamy, in that committing yourself to just one person emotionally and sexually means that you each control the others means and frequency of sexual expression, and have realised that this is unfair in the current situation. I am not surprised you have a lot of fear here - I would too. For many people, monogamous or not, the act of having sex with another creates opportunity for deep emotional bonding to occur. I think you both need to acknowledge the fact that she is likely to develop feelings for the person she is fucking, regardless of whether that is her intent or not. If she *is* strongly monogamous, she is going to find it very hard to reconcile those feelings for another with her feelings for you.

Hi TenK,

First of all, thank you so much for your response, it has actually opened up my eyes a lot more as to what this is going to be like. I knew it was going to be hard, for both of us, and I think you are right that there is every chance she might develop deep feelings for any guy she is with sexually.

Many mono partners of poly people on this forum have described the differences between mono and poly ways of relating quite articulately. The analogy that sticks in my mind (sorry - can't remember who actually posted this!) is that of a pendulum. The mono person feels like developing feelings for a new person actually detracts away from their ability to feel close to their existing partner - the pendulum can swing from person to person, but can't be in both places at the same time. For them, love is not an infinite resource (or perhaps love in general is, but the specific energy and intimacy that go with a romantic relationship really is singular), and therefore when a new partner enters the situation, they feel like there is a lessening of energy for the existing partner. Obviously, we most often see this playing out in the context of the mono partner reflecting this mind-set on their poly partner, and feeling scared that their poly partner is going to leave them for another. This is easy to counter, because poly people don't seem to see the world this way. Mono-poly relationships can do well when both partners understand the other mind-sets, but can realise that their own fears are not based on anything real because that's *not* how their lovers mind works.

You don't have the luxury of this logic. Your partner is mono. You are mono. You have no idea whether your wife becoming sexually intimate with another will lead to her falling in love, and whether that love will naturally supersede her feelings for you. And that really sucks.

I love this analogy, it really simplifies the differences between a poly and mono mind frame. What you say makes sense too, I think this would be easier in a mono-poly relationship, where you can be confident the poly side does have enough love to go around, so to speak. I'm not sure I can ever be sure her feelings won't change if she does become sexually involved with another guy.

I think the ideal situation the pair of you are looking for here is really more like a swinging, 'sex-only' arrangement, that looks only at getting her needs met in that domain. I do believe it's incredibly unrealistic to expect her to not develop feelings for someone she is intimate with, but I also think it's incredibly unrealistic for her to suppress her own sexuality because of your needs, just as it's incredibly unrealistic for you to go against your own grain to try to meet her needs. The only advice I can offer if you both go down that route, is to encourage her to find sexual partners who she likes, has great chemistry with, but who lacks some of the key attributes she normally seeks in a long term partner. I've been thinking about why some of my partners are ones I fall for versus why some of them are just good friends who I have good sex with of late, and that's what it comes down to. The sexual friendships I have exist quite comfortably and naturally, without any desire on either part to make it more romantic, because on some levels we are incompatible as a couple. Interestingly, I find those incompatibilities attractive in small doses.

In an ideal world, a swinging sex only situation would work, but unfortunately that is not something my fiance would ever be comfortable with. She needs to be comfortable with a person and have known them for a while to be able to be intimate with them. I don't think she can ever be that vulnerable with a stranger. As such, it pretty much has to be someone she has developed at least a friendship with already.

I do like the idea of trying to find a person who she could not be in a long-term relationship with though, and I think that would help me be more comfortable with it. One of our rules was the guy would have to be in a long-term stable relationship himself, otherwise I wouldn't trust his intentions. your suggestion would also help with security knowing she is unlikely to see herself with the guy long-term.

In short, I think there is a way for your wife to explore sexually outside of your relationship in a satisfying way, but I fear it will take a bit of a leap of faith from you both. Perhaps she will discover she really is a little bit poly, deep down, and come back to you energised and happy, and with you happy too. Perhaps she will discover she is still mono at heart, but find a way of nurturing some intimacy with others in a way that doesn't take away from you - either by keeping the other person at a distance, or just finding the right kind of dynamic where they both feel content to keep it on a friendship level. Perhaps she will discover that she would be happier leaving the relationship with you and pursue something mono with someone more compatible sexually. Perhaps you will discover the same. I don't know. I know it won't be easy, either way. I do think it's great that you are talking so openly about this together though, and I wish you both the very best.

Thanks again for your advice, I really do appreciate it. I have no idea how this is going to unfold, and neither does she. We are both open to exploring, but it's difficult to even start.

The one thing she needs to sleep with someone (closeness, intimacy etc.) is the one thing that makes me uncomfortable about the whole situation.

The one thing I need in order for her to be with someone (security and knowledge that it won't develop into anything serious) is the one she can't guarantee.

A leap of faith it will be for sure.
 
Sounds like you and your fiance are talking together well and that you have tried other options before arriving at the decision that this is your best option to being able to stay together and both be happy.

It's good that you are aware that this option may also not work out but that you are both willing to try.

I think it would be important for both of you to sit down and talk about how you will end things between you as kindly and gently as possible if this doesn't work out.

I see it as a big ask for a person who prefers monogamy to be seeking outside relationships to fill a sexual desire. Along with the sex and love comes a need to maintain the new - for sex - relationship. That's a whole pile of work for somebody who really only wants one romantic relationship.

There's work about scheduling of dates, dealing with places to have sex (especially if both parties have partners at home and may not be able to go there). There's the usual work of resolving conflict as it comes up and finding out if there is enough of a match to make a relationship viable. In a poly relationship, there may well be additional work. Acting in ways that allow space for the new person's other partner(s) if there are any - which may mean backing off sometimes if they are struggling. Dealing with feelings of jealousy or anxiety that might arise from the partner seeking others or already having others.

There may be a working through of grief as the mono person finding themselves living a poly life feels sadness for the loss of the life they wanted to live.

At the same time as all of this, there is the usual work of maintaining the existing relationship. Plus possibly additional time needed to reassure and soothe the worried existing partner who isn't all that comfortable with poly themselves.

It may be that this is all too much for your fiance and she decides that she would rather lose the romantic element of her relationship with you, seek to remain friends and look for a new romantic relationship with somebody who has a sex drive that is more matched with her's so that she can have just one romantic relationship.

It certainly seems possible that might happen and it probably would be a good idea to talk about that too and make plans to handle it rather than going along and hoping for the best.

Also, how much exploration have you done about what things the two of you could do to make the relationship between you more satisfying. You say that your fiance has a regular sex drive. Does that mean that she wants to have sex once every few months? once a month? A couple of times a week? Once a day? Multiple times a day? These all fall within the range of regular sex drive as far as I'm concerned.

You don't desire sex but you can have it. I wonder if there are forums for asexual people that you could also start to read - maybe you would find support and help that might make things easier between your fiance and you.

Just some thoughts. Good luck. Sounds like you are both being caring and empathetic as you discuss this.

IP
 
I don't view people as poly or mono; I see polyamory or monogamy simply as approaches to relationships that any human being can choose, based on a number of factors. So, I don't really think this would really be a "fish-out-of-water" kind of issue for your fiancée (btw, fiancée is the female form of the word. You are the fiancé.), like you describe.

It might be helpful for you both just to see it as something you have both chosen to incorporate into your lives - in her life as a participant and in your life as a supporter. Like anything either of you would want to pursue, it should be done with as much awareness, empathy, and consideration for the existing partner as is possible.

Yes, love can happen. When people have sex, and especially if they look intro each other's eyes during sex, all kinds of chemicals flood the brain, like oxytocin, endorphins, etc., and this creates euphoria and stimulates an instinct for pair-bonding. A lot of people feel that it is difficult not to fall in love with a sex partner. However, there are also lots of people who can separate sex from love much more easily. She really won't know how she will feel until she does it. But I think, if you are going to embrace polyamory in your lives, be prepared that her liaisons may not remain purely physical/recreational/no-strings. Polyamory is about having multiple loving relationships and all that entails.

As far as how you can cope, there are many threads here about that, which you may find helpful. The Search function is very useful. Here are a few to start you off (I suggest to everyone to change their default thread view to 40 posts per page, as this makes it much easier to read the longer threads - you can change your setting by clicking the "User CP" link):

The Struggling Mono Thread

Resources for Mono/Poly Relationships

(The first response from YouAreHere has some good links to follow)

Partner is out on their first poly date . . .

Date Night....the Struggle.

Overnight jealousy

My next poly-challenge: boyfriend going on date, how to stay calm?

Mono partner needing some advice.

Ethics in Poly/Mono dating.
 
Hello everybody,

To anybody who is the mono side of a mono-poly relationship, how do you cope? Does it get easier in time? I feel it's going to be extremely difficult to begin with, for both of us.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I am. We have transitioned from a mono-mono realtionship to our current mono-poly.

And would say that from my experience, it does get easier each step seems a little less difficult than the last. But you need to work at it, both of you.

Rather than write general advice I would strongly recommended the book More than Two. It helped me a lot. If you have specific questions please ask me here or by PM.
 
I don't view people as poly or mono; I see polyamory or monogamy simply as approaches to relationships that any human being can choose, based on a number of factors. So, I don't really think this would really be a "fish-out-of-water" kind of issue for your fiancée (btw, fiancée is the female form of the word. You are the fiancé.), like you describe.

It might be helpful for you both just to see it as something you have both chosen to incorporate into your lives - in her life as a participant and in your life as a supporter. Like anything either of you would want to pursue, it should be done with as much awareness, empathy, and consideration for the existing partner as is possible.

Yes, love can happen. When people have sex, and especially if they look intro each other's eyes during sex, all kinds of chemicals flood the brain, like oxytocin, endorphins, etc., and this creates euphoria and stimulates an instinct for pair-bonding. A lot of people feel that it is difficult not to fall in love with a sex partner. However, there are also lots of people who can separate sex from love much more easily. She really won't know how she will feel until she does it. But I think, if you are going to embrace polyamory in your lives, be prepared that her liaisons may not remain purely physical/recreational/no-strings. Polyamory is about having multiple loving relationships and all that entails.

As far as how you can cope, there are many threads here about that, which you may find helpful. The Search function is very useful. Here are a few to start you off (I suggest to everyone to change their default thread view to 40 posts per page, as this makes it much easier to read the longer threads - you can change your setting by clicking the "User CP" link):

The Struggling Mono Thread

Resources for Mono/Poly Relationships

(The first response from YouAreHere has some good links to follow)

Partner is out on their first poly date . . .

Date Night....the Struggle.

Overnight jealousy

My next poly-challenge: boyfriend going on date, how to stay calm?

Mono partner needing some advice.

Ethics in Poly/Mono dating.

Thank you nycindie, I'll be sure to browse these threads when I get a chance. I like your approach of just considering it to be something we are both incorporating into our lives and so far it actually feels like that.

I am. We have transitioned from a mono-mono realtionship to our current mono-poly.

And would say that from my experience, it does get easier each step seems a little less difficult than the last. But you need to work at it, both of you.

Rather than write general advice I would strongly recommended the book More than Two. It helped me a lot. If you have specific questions please ask me here or by PM.

Thanks ZigZag. I am actually finding it okay so far, like you say I think the small steps makes it not seem such a daunting task. So far I've been fine with my fiancee going out with a guy, without really knowing what they are getting up to.

At the moment, for my peace of mind, one of our rules is I don't want to know the details of what she is doing, but I'm not sure if this is a realistic approach in the long-term. I know she will want to talk about her experiences, and just shutting her out may be difficult for her, but allowing her to openly talk about her relationships will be difficult for me.

I see you are good friends with your wife's partner. I've read a lot of people say that it is important to be friends with your partner's partner, but I am having difficulty with that for now and it's another rule of ours for me to not meet her partners. I feel quite emasculated by having somebody else satisfy my fiancee, and the thought of discussing anything along those lines with my fiancees partners embarrasses me and would make me extremely uncomfortable. I hope in time I will grow comfortable and not see my fiancees partners as enemies, so to speak. Did you find this difficult to begin with?

I think overall I am coping well so far.

I appreciate your advice, I think this forum will be a great resource for me as this progresses.
 
It sounds like you're taking all these changes in stride. I hope you can acknowledge all the change you've made, even if it's been difficult.

Right now, you don't want to know much about the details of your fiancée's relationship with her partner. Totally reasonable. As GalaGirl told me once, Cliff notes, not the entire book at this point. If you and your fiancée find this difficult in the future, you can encourage more discussion, assuming you feel like you're in a better place to hear it. Makes sense.

As for friends with metamours, I think it varies quite a bit. I initially pushed for meeting Taylor before Roger and she deepened their relationship, simply because I wanted to have a face to put to a name while I dealt with loads of jealousy. It made her more real to me. But as it stands now, we're not friends. I'm interested in spending more time with her and seeing if a friendship develops, but at this time, she's not interested in that. I'm trying to understand that it's hard for her too, to know that Roger has another partner.

On the other hand, Roger and Jack have been good friends for a long while before Jack and I started dating. It does help that Roger trusts him and knows that Jack only has the best intentions while dating me. But I think it's a matter of what you feel comfortable with AND what you feel willing and able to grow into. If right now you don't want contact, then that's where you are. Maybe down the line that will change.

Just some thoughts! :)
 
It sounds like you're taking all these changes in stride. I hope you can acknowledge all the change you've made, even if it's been difficult.

Right now, you don't want to know much about the details of your fiancée's relationship with her partner. Totally reasonable. As GalaGirl told me once, Cliff notes, not the entire book at this point. If you and your fiancée find this difficult in the future, you can encourage more discussion, assuming you feel like you're in a better place to hear it. Makes sense.

As for friends with metamours, I think it varies quite a bit. I initially pushed for meeting Taylor before Roger and she deepened their relationship, simply because I wanted to have a face to put to a name while I dealt with loads of jealousy. It made her more real to me. But as it stands now, we're not friends. I'm interested in spending more time with her and seeing if a friendship develops, but at this time, she's not interested in that. I'm trying to understand that it's hard for her too, to know that Roger has another partner.

On the other hand, Roger and Jack have been good friends for a long while before Jack and I started dating. It does help that Roger trusts him and knows that Jack only has the best intentions while dating me. But I think it's a matter of what you feel comfortable with AND what you feel willing and able to grow into. If right now you don't want contact, then that's where you are. Maybe down the line that will change.

Just some thoughts! :)

Thanks reflections. I didn't know the word metamours, looks like I need to read the lingo :p

I'm pleased with the progress we have been making, it makes me believe we can do this. I think my fiance is a little concerned at how well I'm taking it actually! Haha, only joking.

I think we can discuss some parts of her relationships with her metamour, but definitely nothing sexual or anything of the sort. I guess we will learn in time what I am comfortable with.

As a matter of fact, I know who my fiancee is exploring this with, it is her friend and a guy I was becoming friends with also, so I know him and am not threatened by him. I do see the benefits of knowing the metamour in order to trust them and their intentions, so I do have that luxury right now. But I did say if she and him enter a relationship, my friendship with him is over, not because I dislike him for what he is doing, but for my own comfort. Maybe one day I will open the possibility of friendship with him, as we do get a long, but not yet.

I do feel if she were to be doing this with a total stranger, I would be very threatened right now and would definitely want to get to know him in order to "assess" him, so to speak.
 
At the moment, for my peace of mind, one of our rules is I don't want to know the details of what she is doing, but I'm not sure if this is a realistic approach in the long-term. I know she will want to talk about her experiences, and just shutting her out may be difficult for her, but allowing her to openly talk about her relationships will be difficult for me.

This very well can be a realistic approach even long-term. Especially you do not ever need to hear the details of their sex life. Also, keeping the information limited might really be good for you - now, and maybe later, too. Your fiancée can find someone else to confide to about her other relationship(s).

I do not mind hearing about my metamours, but my guys are / have been a lot like you. They do not want to hear about my new adventures. Of my existing partners CJ has been in my life longest. Our relationship has always been open. In the beginning CJ did not want to meet any of my other dates / partners, until I established a serious relationship with Mark. As it became obvious that Mark was a keeper, CJ got curious about him and they met for the first time when me and Mark had been together for half a year. It was a slow process, but today we live together all three and my guys are good friends.

Now, as I am seeing a new person (it is a long-distance FWB thing), neither CJ nor Mark wants to know anything about my time with him. I respect their wish and keep the details to myself or talk about them with someone else. I do not see this causing any harm to my home life.
 
At the moment, for my peace of mind, one of our rules is I don't want to know the details of what she is doing, but I'm not sure if this is a realistic approach in the long-term.

I'm a bit ambivalent about this subject. On balance, early on in the relationship for me it was better to know what they were doing than not know as I found my imagination created worse images than then reality. But that may be different for you.
 
At the moment, for my peace of mind, one of our rules is I don't want to know the details of what she is doing, but I'm not sure if this is a realistic approach in the long-term. I know she will want to talk about her experiences, and just shutting her out may be difficult for her, but allowing her to openly talk about her relationships will be difficult for me.

I see you are good friends with your wife's partner. I've read a lot of people say that it is important to be friends with your partner's partner, but I am having difficulty with that for now and it's another rule of ours for me to not meet her partners. I feel quite emasculated by having somebody else satisfy my fiancee, and the thought of discussing anything along those lines with my fiancees partners embarrasses me and would make me extremely uncomfortable. I hope in time I will grow comfortable and not see my fiancees partners as enemies, so to speak. Did you find this difficult to begin with?

There are a couple of things here. First, you don't ever need to hear your partner's sexual details. And, in fact, they really shouldn't be shared with you unless everyone (including her other lover) agrees that is okay. I never shared sexual details, and didn't want any (and my lovers didn't share details of our sex life together with their metamours). Not because I was jealous or anything, but because those details are private. My partner's sex with my metamours didn't impact my relationship with my partner, so it was none of my business. Some people like hearing the sexual details, but there's no reason you need to hear them if you don't want to.

Next, there's no rule that you need to be friends with your metamours. It helps, in my opinion, if you can be civil to one another in public situations, simply for scheduling and emergency reasons; but, you need't ever meet them if you don't want to. Many people don't, and that's okay. Alternately, you might find it more comfortable that you do. My point really is that the relationship with your metamours can take whatever shape everyone is comfortable with, and it may be different with different metamours. That's okay.

And, finally, masculinity. First, "masculinity" is a cultural construct, and for some reason, our culture has tied it to the penis, which is ridiculous. Do you think a veteran who was, say, paralyzed from the waist down and no longer has use of his penis is "less of a man," or in some way "emasculated?" Probably not. Stephen Hawking? I doubt anyone's ever said "he's not a *real* man because he doesn't have sex!" Also, I am incredible at pleasing women...but, I'm not a guy. There are amazing sex toys that probably do it as well or better than any of us. Would you consider a woman who wasn't sexual "less feminine?" Probably not. Yes, sex is an important part of a relationship to many people, but it's not what makes the individuals "masculine" or "feminine."

There is so much more that goes into being a good, worthwhile human and a lovable, desirable person than sex. Sex isn't even really part of the equation of "masculine" for most women I've met. I am not dismissing it's importance, just that it isn't what makes you a man, and shouldn't determine how you feel about your masculinity. I know a decent number of men who fuck like it's their job who are the really shitty people, and not what I'd call men. I'd call them (on a good day) boys. Call them men? No. Why? Because they're irresponsible, thoughtless, several are lazy, two are terrible fathers, none of them can carry on a coherent conversation that isn't about football, most have cheated on their girlfriends/wives...do I need to go on? Sex doesn't make a man a man. That's all about maturity, responsibility, thoughtfulness, and decency. I know a number or asexual men who are definitely what I'd refer to as..well, men.

Your wife clearly still loves you, still values you as a partner and husband, and almost certainly still sees you as a man. Try taking a step back from our weirdly penis-and-testosterone obsessed culture, and refocus on what makes you a great partner.
 
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I think not talking about your fiance's outside experiences and not meeting others is a fair boundary for you to have. I personally don't mind hearing but nate doesn't want to hear anything about my relationship with sam. I'll admit ive been excited about some things and spoken when I shouldn't have so please be gentle with her when she slips up. I also prefer not to meet or communicate with people nate is involved with. I feel like my life with him is our life and what he does outside that isn't any of my business because they aren't included in my life. However you want to do it is neither right or wrong ,it's just a preference. But you may find yourself bumping heads for instance, what if the guy she meets can't host and shewants to bring him home for sex or sleepovers. She wants to invite him to family holidays. She wants to have kids with him. She wants to live with him part time. All of these things are always a possibility. Have you guys talked about these possibilities?
 
Thank you all very much for your responses. It is very comforting knowing that I don't have to talk about her relationships or meet the men she is with for this to work in the long-term. Even though some day that may be more likely to happen, right now it's not something I want to do.

She actually just had a bit of a miss step in talking about something of a sexual nature to me (it was a joke, but made me a bit insecure), so I told her that I wasn't comfortable with it. It's a learning curve for both of us, and I've told her it could be a safer idea to talk to her friends about if she has an urge to.

And, finally, masculinity. First, "masculinity" is a cultural construct, and for some reason, our culture has tied it to the penis, which is ridiculous. Do you think a veteran who was, say, paralyzed from the waist down and no longer has use of his penis is "less of a man," or in some way "emasculated?" Probably not. Stephen Hawking? I doubt anyone's ever said "he's not a *real* man because he doesn't have sex!" Also, I am incredible at pleasing women...but, I'm not a guy. There are amazing sex toys that probably do it as well or better than any of us. Would you consider a woman who wasn't sexual "less feminine?" Probably not. Yes, sex is an important part of a relationship to many people, but it's not what makes the individuals "masculine" or "feminine."

There is so much more that goes into being a good, worthwhile human and a lovable, desirable person than sex. Sex isn't even really part of the equation of "masculine" for most women I've met. I am not dismissing it's importance, just that it isn't what makes you a man, and shouldn't determine how you feel about your masculinity. I know a decent number of men who fuck like it's their job who are the really shitty people, and not what I'd call men. I'd call them (on a good day) boys. Call them men? No. Why? Because they're irresponsible, thoughtless, several are lazy, two are terrible fathers, none of them can carry on a coherent conversation that isn't about football, most have cheated on their girlfriends/wives...do I need to go on? Sex doesn't make a man a man. That's all about maturity, responsibility, thoughtfulness, and decency. I know a number or asexual men who are definitely what I'd refer to as..well, men.

Your wife clearly still loves you, still values you as a partner and husband, and almost certainly still sees you as a man. Try taking a step back from our weirdly penis-and-testosterone obsessed culture, and refocus on what makes you a great partner.

Thanks Greenacres, I certainly don't disagree with what you are saying, but I do believe it takes time to get comfortable with. It's not so much about sex, but about not being able to provide everything to my partner that she desires, and her being forced outside of the relationship to get it.

I imagine the likes of Stephen Hawking and any war veteran in that kind of situation has gone through very much the same feelings, even if society tells them otherwise.

I think not talking about your fiance's outside experiences and not meeting others is a fair boundary for you to have. I personally don't mind hearing but nate doesn't want to hear anything about my relationship with sam. I'll admit ive been excited about some things and spoken when I shouldn't have so please be gentle with her when she slips up. I also prefer not to meet or communicate with people nate is involved with. I feel like my life with him is our life and what he does outside that isn't any of my business because they aren't included in my life. However you want to do it is neither right or wrong ,it's just a preference. But you may find yourself bumping heads for instance, what if the guy she meets can't host and shewants to bring him home for sex or sleepovers. She wants to invite him to family holidays. She wants to have kids with him. She wants to live with him part time. All of these things are always a possibility. Have you guys talked about these possibilities?

The problem is my fiancee and I have always told each other everything about our lives, no matter what emotions are involved. We do communicate very well, and that is going to be a great strength we have going through this. However it is going to take a lot of change for her to not tell me about a certain, major aspect of her life. It will also be a learning curve for me to not ask as I generally like to know what is going on in her life, and this is a BIG thing going on for her right now. Right now it feels like keeping a secret from a loved one, for her at least, and for me to pretend I don't want to know (I'm curious for sure, but I also know the truth will likely hurt).
 
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She actually just had a bit of a miss step in talking about something of a sexual nature to me (it was a joke, but made me a bit insecure), so I told her that I wasn't comfortable with it.
It's not so much about sex, but about not being able to provide everything to my partner that she desires, and her being forced outside of the relationship to get it.

There is nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with something, and to let her know, but I would like to point out that whatever she says and does cannot "make you insecure." Her actions or words might trigger insecurities that are already there inside you, however. If you already felt secure in yourself, you wouldn't have reacted in the same way. The only way to handle your insecurities and become more secure (about anything) is to face the fact that you are insecure about [fill in the blank], examine those insecurities, and work on them from the inside. It does sound like you do have a fair amount of self-knowledge, but do not blame anyone else for what you feel. No amount of curtailing someone else's behavior will help you become secure, unless you look at the fears and belief systems operating behind your insecurities, own up to them, challenge them, and ultimately not let them have power over you.


The problem is my fiancee and I have always told each other everything about our lives, no matter what emotions are involved. We do communicate very well, and that is going to be a great strength we have going through this. However it is going to take a lot of change for her to not tell me about a certain, major aspect of her life. It will also be a learning curve for me to not ask as I generally like to know what is going on in her life, and this is a BIG thing going on for her right now. Right now it feels like keeping a secret from a loved one, for her at least, and for me to pretend I don't want to know (I'm curious for sure, but I also know the truth will likely hurt).
A couple of things... first, she doesn't have to hide her excitement and enthusiasm, or any conflicts and confusion, from you. She doesn't have to hide the fact that she had a romantic evening with someone else, including sex, and that she enjoyed herself - she just doesn't have to go into details about it. There's a difference between hiding and keeping her mouth shut, and discerning how much detail is too much.

Second, why would the truth hurt? What is that about? Does it actually, truly have to hurt? Isn't your girlfriend deserving of every opportunity to love and be loved that she wants to embrace? I am not saying all of that to be flippant, but to encourage you to look beneath thoughts and statements like that so you understand yourself better and can unravel these knots you've possibly tied yourself up in. Instead of making that a blanket statement and just accepting that "if your gf tells you about her sexual activity with other men, it will hurt you," look at the why. What are the myths about how relationships, love, sex, and intimacy are supposed to be, that you've bought into and taken as truth, even though it might not be your truth? If you take responsibility for your own reactions and perceptions, come to terms with them, and let them be just background noise, then you won't have to be so fearful of what she may do or say.
 
There is nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with something, and to let her know, but I would like to point out that whatever she says and does cannot "make you insecure." Her actions or words might trigger insecurities that are already there inside you, however. If you already felt secure in yourself, you wouldn't have reacted in the same way. The only way to handle your insecurities and become more secure (about anything) is to face the fact that you are insecure about [fill in the blank], examine those insecurities, and work on them from the inside. It does sound like you do have a fair amount of self-knowledge, but do not blame anyone else for what you feel. No amount of curtailing someone else's behavior will help you become secure, unless you look at the fears and belief systems operating behind your insecurities, own up to them, challenge them, and ultimately not let them have power over you.

Thanks nycindie, you're right, I have always been an insecure person and one of the main reasons I am happy in my current relationship is my insecurities have never been brought to light as my fiancee has never given them reason to. This transition, though, is seriously challenging those insecurities I have. So you are saying I need to work on my insecurities myself, and whatever my fiancee does and does not do cannot effect my insecurities, they can only bring them to the surface? I've never thought about it like that, but it certainly makes me think about things differently.

A couple of things... first, she doesn't have to hide her excitement and enthusiasm, or any conflicts and confusion, from you. She doesn't have to hide the fact that she had a romantic evening with someone else, including sex, and that she enjoyed herself - she just doesn't have to go into details about it. There's a difference between hiding and keeping her mouth shut, and discerning how much detail is too much.

So despite the fact that some of these things will bring my insecurities to the surface, I should encourage her to be open about her relationship? Right now if she told me she simply had sex with someone else, I would be quite sad, even though that is the agreement we have, actually discussing it feels too much for me. It sounds like I need to put a lot of work into my own security for this to work, otherwise I will tear myself apart. Hiding from the truth isn't going to solve anything and making her not talk about her relationship will only avoid the problem.

Second, why would the truth hurt? What is that about? Does it actually, truly have to hurt? Isn't your girlfriend deserving of every opportunity to love and be loved that she wants to embrace? I am not saying all of that to be flippant, but to encourage you to look beneath thoughts and statements like that so you understand yourself better and can unravel these knots you've possibly tied yourself up in. Instead of making that a blanket statement and just accepting that "if your gf tells you about her sexual activity with other men, it will hurt you," look at the why. What are the myths about how relationships, love, sex, and intimacy are supposed to be, that you've bought into and taken as truth, even though it might not be your truth? If you take responsibility for your own reactions and perceptions, come to terms with them, and let them be just background noise, then you won't have to be so fearful of what she may do or say.

Essentially this just confirmed what I said above.

But how do you become more secure? I guess that's one of the most asked questions in these relationships and there is no easy answer.


Just yesterday we had our first proper falling out and it made us question whether we can do this. I should give a little background. It was less than two weeks ago that we decided to begin this journey and almost immediately (the next day) she informed me she intended to attempt a relationship with a friend she knows, as this would be most comfortable for her. I had some reservations but on the whole I accepted. A few days ago she told me he had been over in the morning before work (I leave 1.5 hours earlier than she does for work), to which I was okay with, although a little uneasy. I had approved him coming to our apartment as logistically it is the only place they can be together privately. Yesterday she implied that he wanted to make it a more regular occurance, so I wanted to nip it in the bud and said I had accepted him coming over just so they could have some privacy when they needed to be intimate, not to hang out every day in our apartment. My fiancee couldn't understand why I was uneasy with it, and honestly I didn't have an answer to that, I just didn't like the idea of him being there frequently.

We eventually came to the conclusion that I am not comfortable with her being in a relationship with another man, and that that is the issue, not him being in our apartment. To me that was all I could think of. I am coming to terms with her being sexual outside of our relationship, but for her to be in an emotional relationship spending lots of time with another man feels threatening. A friends with benefits situation felt more suitable for me, but this is not something she could ever do, as she needs the emotional side in order to be intimate with someone, understandable.

After discussing for some time, I felt their relationship had progressed far faster than I was comfortable with. It's not even been two weeks and already she is talking to him and seeing him pretty much whenever I am not around. In the morning before work, and even after work she chats with him through the night via text in my presence. I told her I feel out of control in our relationship and I need her to slow things down and accept what makes me uncomfortable. We need to take smaller steps in order for me to be secure in this relationship. I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable in my expectations, if I'm only doing it as I feel insecure or if I have every right to control certain aspects of her relationship with this other man.
 
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