jealous of sub

Thank you to those of you who put compassion, reason and thought into responding instead of just throwing insults. I talked with him, and in fact it was not me being a spoiled brat like a couple of you threw out so enthusiastically. There were some real things going on and some fairly important adjustments made. I was hoping this might be a good forum for dialog about dynamics in poly relationships and wonder if perhaps I triggered a couple of you? Anyway, I hope things go well for all of you and that you find support from eachother.

Your attitude towards the new girl and kink were rather condescending. Apologize if you felt attacked, but when you say things like he treated you like a queen and a girlfriend, "more than a sub," how he "had" subs like they were objects to be used, how you were devastated that this sub was "upgraded" to a "relationship," well, you must understand that doesn't come across well to some people.
 
Natja, I was applauding at your post. I too do not see a point to this forum unless we are here to try to help instead of attack.

Thank you Scarletzinnia but I wouldn't want to give the wrong impression, I can be impatient too and I am far from being a really helpful person on this forum, but I can't stand it when people are being pointlessly rude and there simply was no reason to respond to the OP like that. :mad:
 
Who was being pointlessly rude? I softened my critique with advice on coping. London might have offered more hostility, but she was merely defending kink relationships. And she also offered helpful suggestions and reassurance that the OP has a valid place with the boyfriend. Sometimes a dose of cold reality is what people need, not unthinking validation. Being "nice" is overrated.
 
Being nice is not overrated.

Anyone who wants their advice taken seriously would be well advised to present themselves as the kind of person someone would respect and want to take advice from.

When a rude, hostile person is presenting me with relationship advice, I am far less likely to pay any attention to it than to advice given with grace and empathy. That is because I assume that someone that angry and hostile probably is making a mess of their own relationships, so why would I listen to them at all? I might also assume that they are mentally ill, depends on how bad it is. I definitely think that about one person who posts very frequently here, and I've only been here a few days.

So, if others are like me, and I suspect many are, you nasty peeps are wasting your time, and your keystrokes here.
 
Who was being pointlessly rude? I softened my critique with advice on coping.

My point is there was little need for critique in the first place, you made an assumption based upon the way the OP was written, I just saw floral language, you otoh saw an insult were probably none was meant. Better to at least ask than assume the worst and come across like a rude person.

London might have offered more hostility, but she was merely defending kink relationships.

I am pretty sure kink relationships can survive without London's pointless help.

Sometimes a dose of cold reality is what people need, not unthinking validation. Being "nice" is overrated.

Clearly she did not need it, she did not like it and you just ticked a new person off for no good reason than to make yourself feel better...bully for you, have a cookie!
 
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The OP didn't like being told that kink relationships are as valid as her holier than thou girlfriend/boyfriend relationships. The OP doesn't need to learn that from me, she just needs to look at how her partner Is bonding with his new partner. It's awful cute how you gang are going around commenting on all my comments, but in this thread, where the OP clearly stated that she thought she would be above his subs, you are just making yourselves look butthurt and rather bitter. So do jog on. The pair of you.
 
There's an ignore feature? Gotta look into that. I've been really frustrated by the direction some of these conversations take. Over. And over. And over.
 
"more than a sub"

See, I took that not as "better than a sub" but "rather than a sub."

I've used that phrase before myself, so maybe I can relate... "I'm feeling disappointed more than sad."

"I was this and this and this more than a sub" does not, to me, sound the same as "I was this and this and this. I was more than a sub."

I can see both interpretations, and I can see how the "superior to a sub" interpretation would evoke opinions of privilege and "you got what you deserved." But I find that communication is more effective when I give people the benefit of the doubt and choose the more generous interpretations.

There's an ignore feature? Gotta look into that. I've been really frustrated by the direction some of these conversations take. Over. And over. And over.

I prefer not to use ignores. It confuses me when someone responds to someone I have on ignore. I prefer to remain "in the loop" and then practice my ability to ignore people whose opinions aren't worth a response.
 
He (the non marital partner) is a dom, but considers me his girlfriend, spiritual and life partner and a queen :) more than a sub.

He has had subs while we were together and always valued and prioritized my time with him, which is hard to arrange due to having families and living far away. But we prioritized our relationship and he put me first.

As I read the OP and then the first few responses I felt so confused as I didn't interpret it the same. Does it not say "HE" considered her more than a sub, telling her she's a "Queen"? And I never once got from this OP she's vanilla but actually in a D/s relationship with him.

I have to say I love that GalaGirl never judges an OP, that she asks if her interpretation is right or wrong and lays down choices for the OP to ponder and make. Those are posts that many of us are coming here for, not to be judged & found guilty of some unknown poly crime by the holier than thou poly perfectionists.
 
I also took the OP's post as a statement that she and her boyfriend have a D/s relationship and that "Queen" signified something important to them. A position he'd elevated her to above his other subs. It must have been difficult for her to find out that changed.
 
I took the whole sentence about being his Queen, life partner and girlfriend to mean that she believed that her label was superior to hers. What further led me to think this way was where she said that her label was always superior to the sub label with other people and now, these labels have changed.

I think if she had no value judgement about kink based relationships over vanilla relationships, the fact that this new person is his sub would have been Irrelevant. It would have just been that her partner has a new relationship that seems to be showing signs of primary style entanglement and despite the OP being married, she is jealous.
 
It does take guts to come here and admit publicly that you are feeling afraid and concerned. And yes responses can sometimes come across as hurtful, antagonistic or patronizing. Posting about your feelings in a public forum is definitely opening a door to the possibility that people won't be kind.

All of that being said, everyone's poly mileage may vary. If you like what you read acknowledge it. If you dislike it then disregard it. If you're feeling triggered or lit up then maybe its worthwhile investigating why you're feeling that way. Might be you're responding to something in the way it was written rather than the content.

Jealousy sucks. The core insecurities that it brings forward suck. It is a reminder that we are imperfect and need work. It means we have to stop and ask for reassurance. I was reminded yesterday in a post I put up elsewhere here that yeah, I do need to keep the focus on myself. This whole jealousy, fear, anxiety thing is an inside job.

The specifics of the original question are hard to comprehend for me as I would not have chosen to stay in this sort of situation. So I'm not going to comment on that (stay away from the negative feedbacK).

I will say that asking for reassurance by simply admitting you're afraid can help. Not asking for anything beyond just hey i'm afraid could you please spend some time doing (fill in the blank that helps you feel better. I'm not talking about processing feelings either, actual physical reassurance/ touch.) I hope your pain eases and you can find some relief from your insecurity.
 
Hi Juliana,
What is ok to ask or expect?
Very often, we see people come here and ask some version of that: "What should I tell him/her?" " How do I say it?" "Is it okay that I want such-and-such? "Can I ask for this-and-that?"

Really, just like Dorothy, you had the answers all along... in your post:

I see him less frequently now but he swears his feelings for me haven't changed. I am confused because the sub role and partner role have been different, and I do not know how to handle the shift. Do not understand whether I will still fit into the picture. There are only 7 days a week, right? I understand that oxytocin is fun and I know he is excited to love someone who is available. I get that my problems are about me and my needs. But I am devastated. Ready to sabotage and give up something precious to me, and scared I will. Feeling like a jealous child and am feeling quite judgmental of myself about that. I have no idea because my brain is getting scrambled and my fears are taking over logic. Any supportive insight would be appreciated. I am feeling so weak, sad and scared.

It seems to me that you want some reassurance about your place in his life, and are wondering how to ask for that. Just take what you wrote and make adjustments:

"I see you less frequently now, and this upsets me. Even though you swear your feelings for me haven't changed, I am confused about how my role in your life seems to have shifted. I do not understand whether I will still fit into the picture. There are only 7 days a week, right? I understand that oxytocin is fun and I know you're excited to love someone who is available. I get that my problems are about me and my needs. But I am devastated and I feel like I might sabotage what we have out of my confusion and devastation. I don't want to give up something as precious to me as what we have, and I'm scared that I will. I'm feeling like a jealous child and I'm quite judgmental of myself about that. I have no idea what is going on with me because my brain is getting scrambled and my fears are taking over logic. I am feeling so weak, sad and scared. I need your support, some words of encouragement, and __[fill in the blank]__ so I can turn things around."

HTH!
 
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