A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")

Thanks, NYC - here's something that kind of illustrates how the week went with me and my sisters (and Chops)... Something Mom held onto for over 35 years, since I wrote this when I was about 6, on my first typewriter:

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Although the text doesn't convey the CORREXXCTIONS and ALL CAPS (hey, it was a cheap plastic toy typewriter!), here it is, in all its glory... typos, spelling mistakes, and all... the story of "White Wildred":
~~

Of corse you know Black Beauty but do you know White Wildred? Well if you do not know I will tell you.

White Wildred lives in a barn. With Black Beauty. So you should know by now that White Wildred is a freind of Black Beauty. He lived for 9 yaers!! Even Black Beauty liked him. Well White Wildred even liked Black Beauty but there was one problem. They were too jealous. Why they were jealous was this: They had too many girl freinds and they fougt about it. This made them feel sorry so sorry that they cried together. They have an owner of corse but he is very mean. All he feeds him is mice and flies! I do not know why but he does. I know what they like best. A bath! Now that thier master knows he doesn't give them baths too often! One day their master died so they had to find another. Black Beauty and White Wildred found one. Well this one is better! He fed them good stuff like hay and grass and water. Boy they never had anything like it! They loved him and they liked him when they had time. That is why I know they love him. And thier new master kisses them too!

Chapter 2
Robert Idd Vass is the name of the master of the horses. He'll take care of them for God if he was still alive. Well thier new owner loved them. Robert had a dog. The dog was nice to White Wildred so White Wildred was nice to him! Black Beauty however goes out to play but White Wildred doesn't beacause he is sick. Pretty soon he got better which is good but he still diden't go out beacause it was winter. Pretty soon Robert got married and they had a little baby! It was quite a time before they had a cat the cat was beautiful it was black and white. He was mabye a siamiese cat it was cute! Do you know what Black Beauty did? After, when the child was 5 years old he started playing with the horses. The boy had a lot of money he had $34.97! Well, that is a lot off money! The child played a lot on the teeter/totter. It was fun! One day the dog had a fight with the cat and the cat had an fight with a mouse! And this is the end!

~~

I damn near peed myself as Chops dramatically read this in front of me and Baby Sis. I laughed out loud while typing it in again. OMFG. It's times like these that balance out Crazy Woman. She's inconsequential. This? Priceless. :)

(And yeah, I know my first name is in there... NBD. It's common enough anyway. :) Last name hasn't been my last name since I was 6. )
 
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I think it looks like "they licked him when they had the time." Yes, priceless! I have an autobiography I wrote and illustrated when I was in the 6th grade and it is a hoot. When my mother passed away, I found a letter I wrote her when I was about 16, which she had kept all those years (she died when I was 44). I was mad at her for telling my bf's mother that she didn't want him to see me anymore, and yet I promised I'd be good. It went on for six pages, front and back! Teenage drama!
 
I think it looks like "they licked him when they had the time." Yes, priceless!

Ha! You're right! Court stenographer, I'm not. :)
That just makes me laugh all over again...

I have an autobiography I wrote and illustrated when I was in the 6th grade and it is a hoot. When my mother passed away, I found a letter I wrote her when I was about 16, which she had kept all those years (she died when I was 44). I was mad at her for telling my bf's mother that she didn't want him to see me anymore, and yet I promised I'd be good. It went on for six pages, front and back! Teenage drama!

Love it! It's funny what our parents save, and the flood of memories an object can bring back. I remember the feel of that typewriter and just how cheap it felt, the sound it made... Amazing.

And "Robert Idd Vass"?! Where did I dig THAT up?! :D
 
Bwahahahahahaha!

I had something else that I've been meaning to write, but instead I have to share this...

Cuckoo crazy woman? Who wanted us to turn the key over to her and let her sleep there THE DAY OF THE WAKE?

That one?

Yeah... She has no claim to the house.

I just heard back from the lawyers - the place was given to her husband in the divorce, and thus goes to his kids (from a prior relationship than theirs) upon his death.

Which fills me with laughter and merriment... and a little bit of wondering what she did to the place when she was there.

I don't typically like wishing ill on someone, but in this case? She walked into the barn door with her eyes wide open. Game. Set. Match.

I shall toast my lawyers with a glass of wine tonight. :D

(Happy dancing across the house... tweeelelelelelele...)
 
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I had something else that I've been meaning to write, but instead I have to share this...

Cuckoo crazy woman? Who wanted us to turn the key over to her and let her sleep there THE DAY OF THE WAKE?

That one?

Yeah... She has no claim to the house.

I just heard back from the lawyers - the place was given to her husband in the divorce, and thus goes to his kids (from a prior relationship than theirs) upon his death.

Which fills me with laughter and merriment... and a little bit of wondering what she did to the place when she was there.

I don't typically like wishing ill on someone, but in this case? She walked into the barn door with her eyes wide open. Game. Set. Match.

I shall toast my lawyers with a glass of wine tonight. :D

(Happy dancing across the house... tweeelelelelelele...)


I'm so glad to hear that problem's sorted out, and I hope you don't have to interact with her much more. (Also, the nerve of her!)
 
YouAreHere, it's good to see you back after your ordeal.I've been worried about you. Glad your sisters and you pulled together and bonded. Too bad about crazy woman but yay for the lawyers sorting the home ownership out!
 
Things are a bit in limbo with crazy woman at the moment, and I really REALLY hope to hear from the lawyers soon...

Baby sis is trying to get in touch with the other set of kids (who actually DO own the trailer). I'm assuming they'll need to get their paperwork in order to set the deed straight, and that will take time. Meanwhile, the trailer is no longer part of mom's estate, although the stuff in it is.

(Some background - Crazy Woman wanted the old, decrepit furniture that was in the place, since it was hers with her ex... I didn't want to take it out, so said sure, figuring she'd assume ownership of the place eventually, and assuming the deed was correct, which it wasn't. The divorce decree, however, stated that they each got the furniture they wanted, in their possession, so she can go pound sand at this point.)

Crazy Woman changed the locks, so I have no access. I have a feeling I'll need to take a day out of work, get the police and Crazy Woman's daughter there, and take the rest of the stuff out of the trailer with witnesses. If there's stuff left... You see, she was caught trying to remove stuff yesterday.

And I live two hours away.
Sigh.

What a piece of friggin' work.

Anyhoo... getting back to work this week was a welcome respite, but I always find myself finding nice, soothing things to say BACK to the people who come give me their condolences. It leads for a long day of chit-chatting, which is fine, but having that same conversation over and over again is draining after a while. I know everyone means well, though, so I don't really feel like I can beg off.

May has gone so fast because of all this. Mother's Day? Not as horribly difficult as I'd thought it would be, because I spent it with my kids and my sister, and then picked my other sister up at the airport. Some tears for sure, but the day was an overall blur, and my kids helped make it better. The rest of the month? Where the hell did it all go? It's Memorial Day weekend already, which is my anniversary weekend with Chops. Insane that it's come up so quickly, and I am so overwhelmed with stuff. He offered to do our thing a different weekend, but I didn't want to do that. It'll be good to keep our traditions.

Middle Sis texted me last night, sad... she would call mom on her days off and she was feeling the hole. I called her and we chatted for a bit, which was nice. I'm thankful we're all feeling closer after this, although I hate the reason for it.

In lighter news, I had a great wine talk with my exterminator. :)
He came by for the yearly application, and we got chatting about various wines, and he recommended some things that sounded more interesting than traditional ("Orion" by Sean Thackrey, and another wine called "Anarchy"). Probably too rich for my blood, but maybe something to try on an anniversary... hmmmmm... I know one that's coming up. ;)

We talked about one of the local wineries as well (when I mentioned not being able to find Cabernet Franc in this area all that much), so I think Chops and I, as we head out to the seacoast on Sunday and Monday, will hit a couple of these wineries on the way. Yum. :)

Now to clean the house a bit. All the beautiful flowers are starting to go, so it's time to make one good bouquet out of the four sad-looking ones. And to figure out what the hell to do with this enormous stamp collection. Oh, and pay my own bills that I've forgotten about. Sigh.

Later, all...
 
Enjoy your anniversary and wine tasting! Hope you have a lovely time.
 
Slowly getting back to normal... whatever THAT is.

Thanks, Mags. :)

I still feel like I'm coming down after a whirlwind of activity. I guess I am, so it's not too out of the ordinary, I suppose.

Paperwork for Executrix of my Mom's estate still hasn't come in. Of course, I keep throwing monkey wrenches into the works by finding things that may impact the value of Mom's estate. The latest is a piece of property in Florida that was my Dad's, that was never deeded over to Mom when he died. I scanned all the documents in and basically tagged the lawyers. They're gonna earn this fee - I guarantee it.

No idea if the 30 years of back taxes on it are going to be worth actually doing anything with it, outside of abandoning it outright... especially if it's the cliched "swampland in Florida" that people were buying left and right in the '60s and '70s.

The trailer she was living in is still in limbo. Crazy woman still has access. The police have told me I can't do anything without a Writ of Possession, which the rightful owner can't get until they get the property deeded over to them (and they have no money and no idea how to do so). In the meantime, the electricity has been shut off (because I'm not having Crazy Woman squat on Mom's electric bill), so I'm sure the place smells a bit extra-funky at this point. Joy.

I'd love to get over there and finish cleaning up for the rightful owner, but I'm kind of stuck right now. Lawyers will advise soon, hopefully. Fingers crossed.

Hell, I'm almost ready to eat the cost of asking THEM to help the rightful owners with the deed transfer just to get this going already.

Started going through the mountain of stuff. Mom had a fairly large stamp collection that I'm trying to clean the dust off (her partner of about 20 years was a chain smoker, so getting rid of the cigarette dust/funk is something I need to do), and get appraised. I have other stuff in the garage that I need to get out of there and looked at as well, but one step at a time.

Her hoarding was under control over the last year or so, but even so... I'm going to be busy for a while. And my house is going to be a total mess for a while. Again, step by step, I suppose...

Last weekend was my anniversary with Chops, which was really nice. Sadly, he didn't have the motorcycle, as the weather was too iffy, but we spent Sunday going from winery to winery and making some fun discoveries. I'm not big on fruit wine (not the ones that are super sweet like Arbor Mist, anyway), and I was extremely surprised to taste a pineapple wine that was amazingly good! I didn't buy any, figuring I can pick some up at the local butcher shop the next time we have Chinese food or ham or something. :) However, I did buy a couple bottles of Niagara, since it smells and tastes EXACTLY like the backyard grapes. It's a taste of home.

The other discoveries: a pumpkin wine that was lighter and less "pumpkin pie" than I expected. We bought a couple bottles to save for either Samhain or Thanksgiving. Also found a Maréchal Foch (which I hadn't tried before) that had become "sparkling" due to an accident while fermenting (too much yeast). They were blowing out the bottles for 2/$10. I found a home for a couple. :)

One of the wineries was also a distillery, and I liked the spirits more than the wine. They have a new spiced rum that's made with their maple liqueur. I didn't buy the rum (yet), but did buy the liqueur. ;)

Spent the next day in Portsmouth, NH. Wanted to hit the large, flagship, Habitat for Humanity ReStore, but I forgot they were also closed on Monday. D'oh. (Yeah, that's our idea of an anniversary trip... no judging. ;) )

Toured the USS Albacore (a once-experimental sub, now turned into a museum), ate lunch on the water, and bopped around town a bit. Bought a dress after being encouraged by both Chops and the shop owner (and some beer samples by Smuttynose, provided by said shop owner).

Both nights ended with a fire. Sunday ended with a re-commitment and private handfasting in the backyard. All in all, it was a really nice weekend. :)

This month has been a hell of a month, going from bad to good, with limbo in between. I know I've had my moments of feeling tetchy with time, but when the chips were down, Chops was here, and Xena was supportive. I hate the reasons behind it, but the "what if" situation - the real, live emergency - has happened, and Chops was here, by my side, the whole time I needed him to be.

I've been far from even thinking about that sort of thing for a while (or what seems like a while). Here's hoping I find myself thinking less and less about it as time goes on.

Anyhoo... Anyone wanna come over for some wine? ;)
 
Bullies be Cray-Cray!

OMG, I'm ready to plotz.

Quick recap:
- Mom passes away, I contact "landlord" to figure out schedule.
- "Landlord" doesn't really have an agreement or paperwork, but DOES want me to turn the key over on the day of the wake.
- "Landlord" (henceforth known as Crazy Woman) shows up right before the wake, intending to stay there. A "hell no" ensues.
- Crazy Woman shows up at the wake and attempts to discuss the matter there.
- YouAreHere stops all further contact with Crazy Woman until paperwork is decided, and finishes cleaning out the property with sisters.
- Crazy Woman breaks into the property and changes the locks, threatens to bill the estate for trash removal.
- Property is a trailer in a trailer park. President of the park assures me that a background check is required, the deed needs to be cleaned up, etc. before she can do anything (and he's not thrilled about what she's doing).
- Lawyers inform me that the property is, in fact, rightfully owned by my mom's deceased partner's heirs (the property was awarded to him in the divorce).

So... the property is not part of my mother's estate anymore, and Crazy Woman has no legal right to the property. Yay, right?

Crazy Woman is now bullying the son (not HER kid, but her ex-husband's kid from a prior relationship), telling him that she owns half the property, and that he'll have to spend soooooooo much money going to get the deed filed, going through probate, and taking care of back taxes and lot rent, that he may as well just give it to her.

Difficulty Level: She never filed a quitclaim deed after the divorce, which DID award the trailer to her ex. There is a caveat in the divorce paperwork that states that (A) her ex could file the quitclaim in her stead if she didn't do it, and (B) if people ignore the direction of the paperwork, it doesn't mean it lacks standing. Her name is still on the deed, but only because the paperwork wasn't done. The paperwork CAN be done to clean it up, but in the meantime, she gets to wave an old piece of paper around that the police are deferring to.

AUGH! :mad: What an effing vulture.

I gave him the number of the president of the park, who has been dealing with deed issues on other properties in the park, so he knows what he's doing. The son can work out the deed issues with him (there's no back lot rent - my mother was paying that, and she was paid up), and the park is willing to buy the property, despite any back taxes.

I recommended he work with the president only and just quit dealing with Crazy Woman. CW can deal with the park directly. But I don't really have a horse in this race anymore, so I can only advise. What a friggin' mess... it makes me want to crusade against her ever setting foot in the place, out of spite, but I really need to back away at this point, unless the son contacts me more.

Sigh.

Thank God most of the people I know are decent human beings who give me faith in the human race, so people like this don't sour me on the future of this planet. And thank God I got all of mom's important things out of there before this mess got worse. I just hope CW doesn't get rewarded for her shitty behavior. :mad:
 
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Been quiet lately...

It's actually been a fairly quiet two weeks... I haven't heard anything else with respect to the vulture. I got indignant for a while, but honestly, if the rightful property owner doesn't want to deal with her and just releases any claim to the place, I wouldn't blame him. She's tenacious and annoying. But she's also not my problem anymore, so I've been a bit more calm about it all.

Thiiiiiiiiiiiis close <holds fingers a teeny bit apart> to getting the Administratrix/Executrix paperwork filed. The lawyers were a bit slow, but honestly, the estate wasn't going anywhere. The only thing that may be a bit more annoying with the delay is dealing with the post office, but it shouldn't be a big deal.

Baby sis flew up again yesterday - her friend is moving to Florida and she was going to ride back home with him, with her stuff from mom's place in tow. Except, the truck's inoperable and his car has no room, so I got to see Baby Sis (and her friend and his mom), but she doesn't get to bring her stuff back. Oops. Details.

The good news is, she wants to come up again in a month to try again. The kids love her to pieces, and we have a great time together, so I'm looking forward to it. :)

I'm doing okay - I think people feel I should be more broken up than I am, and I feel odd about that. I have no regrets about my relationship with my mom, other than maybe not having more time to do things together (a family trip to Disney was taking shape in idea-space, and I get a bit sad thinking that it won't ever happen). No real big emotional jags after the first couple weeks, just some hits here and there (seeing my car parked in my driveway next to hers gives me a lump in my throat every time). I've been sorting through the things we brought back from her place... in among the GINORMOUS stamp collection that we'll be selling as part of the estate, I've found some family letters and other records that are interesting pieces of history, and some nice written insights into the rest of the family. Also found a Lithuanian prayer book (Catholic) from the 1913 era, as well as a couple letters (Lithuanian) from 1936 and 1940. I love this stuff, so it's very bittersweet - I obviously don't like the reason for it all, but finding bits of my family's history is wonderful.

Relationship-wise, things have been calm and quiet - at least as far as conflict goes. Chops and I feel extremely close, and there really hasn't been much emotional wavering lately. The "partner" concerns seem like a moot point now that there really HAS been that emergency moment, and he was there.

It almost appalls me now to think that, in those first couple hours after finding out, when I got through to him and told him, I didn't know if I should ask him to come up or not... He basically had to ask me point-blank what I wanted him to do before I admitted to myself that yes, this is an I-need-Chops-here moment. I'm not sure if it's an I-can-be-strong-and-not-ask-much-of-anyone moment, or if it was an I-don't-want-to-take-Chops-on-Xena's-night moment, or a combination of both, but in hindsight, I'd slap myself if I hadn't come to the conclusion I did. Sheesh. I need support too, despite how much I tend to gravitate into that support role for others.

I saw myself doing that when my coworkers came up to express their condolences after I came back to work... telling people how people's stories of mom made everyone smile, and how that was really nice, so there was a good side to all of it. Not that it isn't true, but I feel like I'm trying to make them feel better, which is back-assward from their initial intent.

Ah well... I feel better when others feel better. The curse of the people-pleaser. :p

At any rate, Chops and I have found some sort of happy groove lately, and I really haven't had any emotional roller coaster moments about the time thing, or the poly thing, or anything for that matter. It's just been good, and I'm grateful for that. :)

Muddling along, sorting through stuff, waiting for the paperwork to become official, and finding gems along the way, with an emotional moment here and there. Not too bad, I guess.

In other news, Amazon has added music streaming to their Prime membership, so here I am listening to albums that I've been thinking about buying but haven't (some I like, some not so much), streaming them to the TV (after finding a screensaver bookmarklet for the Chromecast so I don't burn the screen in to my TV), and I'm kinda enjoying the ability to geek out while I groove. Oh, and I found a stack of Star Trek coasters that my mom had - letting the family nerd flag fly high!

Goodnight, all! Wishing all the dads on the board a Happy Fathers' Day tomorrow!
 
On Envy, and Other Random Crap...

Envy... Sibling of Jealousy, the so-called green-eyed monster. Except, jealousy is supposed to be related to us wishing we were someone else, rather than envy being wishing we had something we don't.

I dunno - I guess I find all that stuff envy of some sort, but maybe that's just me. Envy of a particular relation, envy of a particular perk or thing that I don't have. Envy of a particular experience. I don't want to be anyone else... I like me, fer cryin' out loud, but I sure as hell get envious of the things other people do or have sometimes. Thou shalt not covet. Oops.

Except today, it's not poly-related at all.

Ex-hubby called today to say he wants to take the kids to Blue Man Group AND Cirque de Soleil. Which I would have already done, except I'm paying off house debt AND child support... the child support which is helping the ex take the girls out.

Sigh.

Not a big deal, overall, I guess. I do what I can, and we do spend time together (board games FTW!), but still... Blue Man Group would be nice to take the girls to, since I know they'd enjoy it.

So yes, I envy his ability to take the girls out to movies, out to eat, and out to shows all the time while I pay off my house, its furnishings, and buckle down. I get annoyed at the fact that child support funds it (when the only reason I'm paying it is because I wanted to be nice and leave him the house since his mom gave us the land and all). Bleh. I felt like a paycheck when I was married to him, and that hasn't changed.

Envy ain't just a poly problem. Boy, does it have some serious parallels, though.

Such is life. The girls love me, I love them, they love (smothering) the cats (with affection), and so it goes. The competition game is a bad scene, and the kids learn to play that, so I'm not going that route. Disney was the big deal for a while... next up, camping (mua-ha-haa...). :)

Still going through the estate and getting paperwork filed. Day by day. Found a firearm as part of the estate (AAACK!) that I thought was illegal (double AAACK!), but the local PD just told me to sell it and gave me the address of a local gun shop. In another state, I'd be turning it in. In NH? The cop is giving me advice on getting the best $$ for it. Gotta love it. :D

Sorting through the mega-stamp collection, the trading card collection, and the hunting weapon collection (WTF?!). I'm surprised we didn't find Mom's pog collection in among everything. But we haven't gone through all the boxes yet. ;) I did find a SWEET Star Trek set of coasters. And yes, a geek party is in the works.

Hope everyone is doing well, despite the Monday-ness of it all!
 
Update and mild rant... rantlet?

Had a nice 4th of July, despite the rain and my contracting some odd stomach bug that my daughter gave me (I blame her!). Yesterday wasn't the best day, and I was lucky that my daughters' friends wanted to take them to the beach, leaving me to sleep off the day. Ugh.

Feeling better now, although I'm still a little squirrely about what to eat.

Chops and Xena are away for their anniversary weekend. I always feel a little odd during these times, and I think it's for a combination of reasons... I know some of it is a vestige of the stuff I went through early in the relationship - the "I'm not special if everyone's special" type of thing. While I know that's not true, it still pokes at me from time to time. My tendency to pull back on the contact because I don't want to intrude doesn't help either, since that's always tough on me.

Still, he'll be back Tuesday and we'll have some good reconnection time. I really need to figure out my budgeting software tonight anyway, so I really don't need any distractions... After having the kids for a nice long weekend, and being sick for a day, my house is a mess and I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do. Typical. :)

Meeting with tree guys this week to figure out how much it's going to cost me to remove a giant limb off the oak tree in my back yard that, if it comes down, will take down my ENTIRE garage... along with removing a dead tree in the back corner of the yard. The first guy who came by on Saturday told me that my maple in the front yard was in bad shape too, which is a bummer, because it's a beautiful tree. I think I want a second opinion there. :(

Anyway, my main reason for posting (not that an update isn't okay, but I wouldn't have bothered, really :) ) is that I wanted to comment on something I saw on the boards today, probably as an off-handed comment, but it still just irked me:

I agree some people do seem hard-wired for monogamy, but there is a certain amount of brainwashing that is thrown into the mix as well. Hard to tell what is what here.

I think folks like to toss around the "Brainwashing" word around quite a bit, and I find it a bit harsh, offensive, and divisive.

If I know a strict vegetarian and wish to date them (which has never happened, but go with me here), then I accept that they may have issues with my eating meat. They may have bigger issues with my eating meat that is "unethically" gained, like veal, or they may just hate it on principle. If they then decided that they tried to date me, but wanted me to also be vegetarian or it was over, because it was just too much stress for them to deal with, then yes, a decision would have to be made over a conflict in beliefs.

However, not once does brainwashing even come up in my thought pattern.

If this person is a Hindu subscribing to the strict non-violence of animals, brainwashing STILL doesn't come up in my thought pattern, even though it's culturally and religiously ingrained into them.

Culture != brainwashing.

It's something I'm extremely sensitive to, as a mono person in a poly relationship. If you want people to understand where you're coming from, using divisive language is a nice way to ensure that doesn't happen. I absolutely despise when Chops and Xena make jokes around me about "And, NOT or!" because it sucks to be the "what not to be" portion of the joke. It's building yourself up by putting others down, and it's no way to act when you want others to accept your beliefs.

I see a lot of the use of the word when a group tends to pull together in a circlejerk away from everything else - some groups of atheists tend to use it at times, and it's used pretty derisively there. It's not an attractive front to put on your group, and makes you look hostile and intolerant.

Cultural, yes. I do believe that's a huge part of it, and I do see value in questioning the things you're born into. Rejecting things just based on the fact that they're culturally accepted, though, seems just as imbalanced to me. If you're going to weigh both sides, do so with respect, please. The word "brainwashing" is loaded and derisive, and IMO pretty disrespectful.

<kicks soapbox into corner>
Rant over. Work now. Moar coffee.
 
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Thanks for your post today YAH. I always enjoy your posts and answers. I just stumbled upon your blog as my life seems to headed into a poly/mono land and its freaking me a bit. My BF and I (both divorcing, ugh) started as poly...as secondaries...really I did it for him (long story) and was always ok with my spouse dating because I don't love him anymore :/

ANyway....So BF is divorcing, I finally have him "all to myself" (I feel rather unsafe saying that most spots). I don't want to be poly anymore, he sure does. I give you so much credit...your story is inspiring. but in reply to your post today, im just really curious how you DO explain/defend yourself to your poly partners. Right now, BF can only see me as being jealous...or insecure...or says things about the natural order of being non-mono (I use to say it too. Ha). So I guess, if I missed it through the pages here im at work so I was skimming, how do you explain your belief in being mono?
 
im just really curious how you DO explain/defend yourself to your poly partners. Right now, BF can only see me as being jealous...or insecure...or says things about the natural order of being non-mono (I use to say it too. Ha). So I guess, if I missed it through the pages here im at work so I was skimming, how do you explain your belief in being mono?

Hi GK,

Well, I'll be honest - the initial round of getting my point across was ripping him a new one after an incident that I felt was a means of "converting" me to polyamory. Basically, I told him that if he wants me to respect and love him for who he is, then he'd damn well better do the same for me. In other words, YAH popped her gourd. :)

It really did take time for it to sink in, though. I'd sent him and Xena to Franklin Veaux's "More Than Two" site's mono/poly links and basically said, "Here, read this - it's articulating what I can't." He put it together with past behavior on my part, which he didn't understand, and over time he basically got to understand me. For the most part. :) There's stuff he really doesn't "get," but that goes both ways. What we don't get, we accept.

It did help him have an "AHA!" moment when he did cross-reference it across past behaviors - why, when I was still married but getting emotionally closer to him, did I have to push him out of my life in order to work on my marriage? That was why - I couldn't love both... not in a way that would maintain my marriage. He was surprised that I couldn't "compartmentalize" like he could. He didn't understand how more love didn't make me a better wife, when all it did was make me conflicted.

We see things through our own filters and experiences, and when they don't jive, it's sometimes VERY hard to find a common language. You may think you're saying the same thing, but you find out you're not, and it takes time to recognize that you're speaking a different language, much less learn to interpret/speak a new one.

Now, how do I explain it to people who aren't my partner, like Xena or other poly folks I'm conversing with? Lots and lots of analogies. :D I prefer to think of the way Chops loves as a fountain, spewing love all over the damned place, and if I tried to contain it, I'd just make a mess. Everyone in the "love circle" gets soaked. That's how he is.

Me, I'm a pendulum. If I nurture feelings for one, they pull away from another. If I were to maintain a poly relationship for myself, (I believe) it'd have to be something a bit less entwined - I don't think I could sustain two partner-type relationships, because I'd rip myself apart with the closeness-distance-closeness-distance cycle. A more casual, FWB type of thing? I could probably sustain something like that if I had the desire. I don't. <shrug>

One aside to this whole topic (not related to your question) is that I find it amazing how polarizing this distinction (mono/poly) can be. Most of us accept that various things lie on a spectrum: gender attraction for one. Why can't mono/poly be the same way? There are folks who are "hard-wired" mono or poly (i.e., on either end of the spectrum), and there are folks who are more fluid and could be happy in either type of relationship style. I don't like the polarization, and I think it only fuels the more enlightened/less enlightened crap.

Oh, ninja-edit:
That whole culture != brainwashing thing is one of the reasons I can't stand "Sex At Dawn" and other pop-evo-psych books. SaD glommed onto agriculture and the subsequent settling in one spot as BAD, citing that it stifled our poly natures by introducing competition (which may be the case) and totally ignores all of the positive benefits of such a culture: focus on science and the arts, increased life expectancy, that sort of thing. I really find all "culture = BAD" associations to be extremely short-sighted when they're not weighed against the bigger picture.

But those are my thoughts while I wait for the tree guy to arrive. :)
 
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Hi GK,

Well, I'll be honest - the initial round of getting my point across was ripping him a new one after an incident that I felt was a means of "converting" me to polyamory. Basically, I told him that if he wants me to respect and love him for who he is, then he'd damn well better do the same for me. In other words, YAH popped her gourd. :)

It really did take time for it to sink in, though. I'd sent him and Xena to Franklin Veaux's "More Than Two" site's mono/poly links and basically said, "Here, read this - it's articulating what I can't." He put it together with past behavior on my part, which he didn't understand, and over time he basically got to understand me. For the most part. :) There's stuff he really doesn't "get," but that goes both ways. What we don't get, we accept.

It did help him have an "AHA!" moment when he did cross-reference it across past behaviors - why, when I was still married but getting emotionally closer to him, did I have to push him out of my life in order to work on my marriage? That was why - I couldn't love both... not in a way that would maintain my marriage. He was surprised that I couldn't "compartmentalize" like he could. He didn't understand how more love didn't make me a better wife, when all it did was make me conflicted.

We see things through our own filters and experiences, and when they don't jive, it's sometimes VERY hard to find a common language. You may think you're saying the same thing, but you find out you're not, and it takes time to recognize that you're speaking a different language, much less learn to interpret/speak a new one.

Now, how do I explain it to people who aren't my partner, like Xena or other poly folks I'm conversing with? Lots and lots of analogies. :D I prefer to think of the way Chops loves as a fountain, spewing love all over the damned place, and if I tried to contain it, I'd just make a mess. Everyone in the "love circle" gets soaked. That's how he is.

Me, I'm a pendulum. If I nurture feelings for one, they pull away from another. If I were to maintain a poly relationship for myself, (I believe) it'd have to be something a bit less entwined - I don't think I could sustain two partner-type relationships, because I'd rip myself apart with the closeness-distance-closeness-distance cycle. A more casual, FWB type of thing? I could probably sustain something like that if I had the desire. I don't. <shrug>

One aside to this whole topic (not related to your question) is that I find it amazing how polarizing this distinction (mono/poly) can be. Most of us accept that various things lie on a spectrum: gender attraction for one. Why can't mono/poly be the same way? There are folks who are "hard-wired" mono or poly (i.e., on either end of the spectrum), and there are folks who are more fluid and could be happy in either type of relationship style. I don't like the polarization, and I think it only fuels the more enlightened/less enlightened crap.

But those are my thoughts while I wait for the tree guy to arrive. :)

Well good luck with your tress, and thank you!!! this was most helpful.
 
I also want to thank you, YAH for this explanation of a mono mindset. Me being poly - well, I do have my limits in understanding mono thinking. I like the fountain analogy :) That really is how I am, too.

My partner Mark is mono, and somehow we have not had too much trouble about it - he is very poly-friendly and understanding. Which makes it easy for me to accept his choice of being mono. In his case I really think it is a choice - he is not in the very end of the spectrum, so to say. Or how could I know?

Anyway, I think it truly adds value to this forum to have mono voices among all the poly's.
 
Me, I'm a pendulum. If I nurture feelings for one, they pull away from another. If I were to maintain a poly relationship for myself, (I believe) it'd have to be something a bit less entwined - I don't think I could sustain two partner-type relationships, because I'd rip myself apart with the closeness-distance-closeness-distance cycle. A more casual, FWB type of thing? I could probably sustain something like that if I had the desire. I don't. <shrug>

This is me now. Get out of my thoughts, YAH. I sustained a two-partner relationship for 12+ years, and the bloody thought makes me cringe. I cannot do it without taking something from my marriage.

One aside to this whole topic (not related to your question) is that I find it amazing how polarizing this distinction (mono/poly) can be. Most of us accept that various things lie on a spectrum: gender attraction for one. Why can't mono/poly be the same way? There are folks who are "hard-wired" mono or poly (i.e., on either end of the spectrum), and there are folks who are more fluid and could be happy in either type of relationship style. I don't like the polarization, and I think it only fuels the more enlightened/less enlightened crap.

I wish it was the same. I am not hard-wired for poly or mono. I am happier with a mono marriage, but I am sure I had happy days during my poly years. I do not feel brainwashed, and I despise when people exclaim, "Mono people are brainwashed by culture and do not know better." Bullshit. Perhaps some people just cannot love more than one person at the same time, and it is a-okay. It is like telling a vegetarian they are not as enlightened and telling them, "Oh, you do not know what you are missing," while sucking on noshing on barbecued ribs. I find it quite offensive to imply that a person is less enlightened for not having the interest or desire to be non-monogamous. It is not for everyone.

I hope you are doing well. I wanted to pop in for a bit.
 
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