Problems with low sex drive

Nadya

Member
Me and my guys recently moved in together, and most things have been going very well. The guys have strengthened their friendship and the overall feeling at home is good; lots of love and affection and companionship. We are renovating this house together, and the project goes slowly but proceeds. Both me and CJ have new jobs, there is no financial trouble.

However, I have lost my sex drive. Like completely lost it. And since my guys have no other partners, this means very little to no sex in this household. I expected this to be just temporary and get fixed by itself soon, but it has been going on for months now, and there is no sign of the sex drive returning.

This is starting to bother us all, and I have had discussions about it with both guys. I think the main reason why the sex drive disappeared is all the new responsibilities in my life; especially owning a property and doing the renovation has been extremely stressful to me. I feel like I need to spend each and every free moment doing household stuff or renovation stuff, and there just is no energy left for sex.

Also, it has felt surprisingly easy to slip back into not having sex. Most of my adult life I have lived single and celibate, so not having a sex life feels in a way comfortable and easy. I do not really miss having sex. When I was single I used to have an active life with many ongoing projects, and in many ways my life now feels similar. Of course this is not something my guys signed up for - I used to have an active sex life with them both prior to the move. This came as a surprise to me, too. Ever since I started having sex, I have had a steady sex life with no longer pauses than a couple of weeks.

Anyone have any similar experiences? Any thoughts or advice? I really would like to get my sex drive back and start having a “normal” sex life in this new situation. What could I do? What could my guys do to help me want sex again?
 
Part of being poly is taking care of yourself. They should probably have been nurturing other romantic relationships-- expecting you to meet both their full romantic/Intimate/sexual needs is unrealistic.

However, a temporary fix could be them seeking play partners.

That way you can ease out of your slump without pressure :)
 
Thank you for your insight!

Part of being poly is taking care of yourself.
This is so true... probably I should remind myself on this, too. I have been so preoccupied of taking care of everything and everyone else that I have forgotten about myself. Would probably need some time to relax and re-connect with myself first, and maybe the sex drive would be back little by little.

They should probably have been nurturing other romantic relationships-- expecting you to meet both their full romantic/Intimate/sexual needs is unrealistic.

However, a temporary fix could be them seeking play partners.

That way you can ease out of your slump without pressure :)

I agree with this, in theory. But... CJ has not had much luck in dating others and Mark is mono. So I don't think there will be any new partners in the near future. Mark seems to be okay with the situation, he enjoys the kisses and cuddles and everyday little things - but he is worried about my well-being. And I am worried about CJ's well-being.
 
Honestly, this is why I don't date monos. Aside from the fact that I can't indulge in compersion for them...or share mutually loved partners...I just don't want to be in your position.

Obviously, you can't choose who you love, but understand that this sort of stressful environment is something you'll just have to learn to accommodate.

Also, by take care of yourself, I rather was referring to your partners. They can't just depend on you; you have two partners. They have to take care of their own needs somehow, too.
 
Unfortunately, I have no advice on what to do. What I can say is that this is a very common problem, in my experience, when women move in with their men (maybe happens with lesbians as well, but I wouldn't know). Out of the three women I have lived with, it happened with all three of them once we moved in together. What I can say is that, in my experience, the sex drive does not come back. Not in a few months... not in a few years... I have never seen it happen.

Moving apart again could possibly fix the problem. Otherwise, your guys will likely just have to find other sexual partners.
 
Unfortunately, I have no advice on what to do. What I can say is that this is a very common problem, in my experience, when women move in with their men (maybe happens with lesbians as well, but I wouldn't know). Out of the three women I have lived with, it happened with all three of them once we moved in together. What I can say is that, in my experience, the sex drive does not come back. Not in a few months... not in a few years... I have never seen it happen.

This was not exactly what I wanted to hear, but thank you for your insight anyway. I have seen this happen to others, as well, and don't want to be doomed to go that way.

Moving apart again could possibly fix the problem. Otherwise, your guys will likely just have to find other sexual partners.

Moving apart is not a possibility at the moment. My guys are free to find new partners, and that might solve the problem for them. But, I doubt the closeness and the intimacy between me and my guys will stay without the sex share.

There must be another solution, I just need to find it.
 
My guys are free to find new partners, and that might solve the problem for them. But, I doubt the closeness and the intimacy between me and my guys will stay without the sex share.

There must be another solution, I just need to find it.

You are probably right that some intimacy will be lost without the sex. Honestly, this is what largely broke us up with the first two of the women I have lived with. They were vehemently mono, however, and so breaking up was the only option. I am still with the third and it has also been somewhat mono so far, but I am trying to move it to a full poly relationship in order to save it. I have been with her almost 5 years and realize that her sex drive is never coming back. I hope I can save the relationship be moving it to poly. However, if that doesn't work, there's a break up in our future as well.

I hope you do find a solution. If you do, let me know. I'd try anything!
 
No low sex is not a problem for folks who live together.

I live equally between the homes I share with Murf and Butch. I have a higher sex drive than both of them.

Murf is mono. We have an awesome sex life. We are both very satisfied.

I have been married to Butch for 13 years and the spark is very much still there.

I have noticed when there has been sexual dry spells for whatever reason due to illness, stress, life in general I can feel like I could go without sex. If I don't use it I lose it so to speak.
 
You may have lost your drive, but have you lost your enjoyment of sex as well? The urge to get sexual may be gone (whether it may return is a complex subject), but if you still enjoy sex when you have it, let yourself respond to any initiation your partners make. You can have responsive desire, and develop sex as an enjoyable habit.

Otherwise, work on learning stress reduction techniques, such as meditation. Also consider seeing a hormone specialist. Sometimes stress levels cause hormone imbalances which can be adjusted. Often progesterone supplements may restore some - or even all - of your libido.
 
I think Dagferi is right - it is a "use it or lose it" thing. But the nice thing about that is you really can fake it until you make it. Not literally, I'm not saying fake orgasms or something. But I am saying that if you just tell yourself "I'm going to have sex with this partner on this day and the other partner on this day", and keep doing that, it'll help bring it back. Good sex makes one want more of it, or at least that's my experience...
 
What about a check up? Sometimes birth control pills affect libido. Sometimes perimenopause. Sometimes endocrine conditions. Could any of those apply?

Galagirl
 
What I can say is that this is a very common problem, in my experience, when women move in with their men

My sex drive has never decreased. I sometimes wish it would, because I am a horn dog. lol Moving in with my guys did not affect my drive at all, though it did increase the frequency that I got to have sex. Living together made it easier to have spontaneous, unplanned encounters. Prior to moving in, my boyfriend felt that he and I had perfectly matched libidos. After a couple of months, he "threw in the towel" and said he didn't think anyone could match my level of desire. This made me feel awful, but it is my current reality. However, both my guys do keep me satisfied, for the most part. :)
 
I have noticed when there has been sexual dry spells for whatever reason due to illness, stress, life in general I can feel like I could go without sex. If I don't use it I lose it so to speak.

This is what I think is happening with me now. This combined with my strict Christian upbringing and thus mostly celibate adulthood. So, I need to fake it 'til I make it, and hope it works.

If it does not, then the medical check-ups GalaGirl suggested.

Thank you all!

I already told CJ that in this situation he needs to take more responsibility in initiating sex. Also, we have a D/s dynamic, he is my Dom. So I told him he has to order me to have sex with him - he is really in charge now. Let's hope it works. I am hoping that when me and CJ get things going again, then I'll be more likely to initiate sex with Mark.
 
Bluebird, I sympathise lol. I have a higher sex drive than my husband and am usually the initiator though he's usually happy to be along for the ride so to speak. I think my ldr has rather a lower drive. We've never been together long enough or often enough to discover but he thinks that twice a week would be his ideal which is far from my every day ideal.

I don't always (most of the time but not always) feel desire before getting started though, but I feel so much better as a person and in my relationship when it's happenening frequently that I make sure to do it because I know I'll love it when we get started even if I'm not bothered to begin with.
 
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