Thread: Back and Forth
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Old 11-28-2011, 05:30 PM
Armani Armani is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8

Thought I should weigh in. I just got back from the previously mentioned class and, after reading all the responses here, I felt I ought to at least clarify the emotions etc. from my side. First off, I should say that my libido is broken. I would be perfectly content having sex at least 3 times a day - every single day - forever. I love everything about it and want to try most every hetero thing that there is to do dozens of times. Vanille, on the other hand, is a little more on the normal end of the curve and is currently a little less interested in experimentation and new experiences. Naturally, this incompatibility impacts our relationship and tends to add strain where there should only be mutual enjoyment. Creating a relationship where this strain does not exist is the best case scenario in my opinion. In virtually every other aspect of our relationship I am completely satisfied - or at least getting there because we are making progress.

In regards to the Danish colleague, I spoke to Vanille this morning and she indicated that it would be very hard for her to deal with if I pursued anything here. Additionally, I don't think I am willing to take the risk of even asking her out anyway. I'd love to (provided Vanille was not impacted negatively) but the risks are too high professionally. Unfortunately, in the modern business world, if a girl is made uncomfortable by my simply asking her out, my career could be impacted negatively. Furthermore, there is the very real possibility that she could have a negative moral reaction to our relationship dynamic and feel offended. Put those two together, and I think that the situation is one where I would feel wrong about pursuing any action - so I won't. On the other hand, that totally sucks because she's very attractive, new, shiny, exotic, and probably smarter than me.

The Amsterdam prostitute thing is something else. Once again, I only really feel comfortable doing something that Vanille is okay with. As I mentioned, regardless of the professional concerns, I just didn't feel okay pursuing anything today with the colleague given how Vanille and I left our conversation this morning. For me, personally, I think indulging in the wiles of a Amsterdam prostitute is something I'd like to do from a pure experience standpoint. It might be a lot of fun, it also might be a letdown, but I'd still like to partake and try something new.

I think I should also elaborate on the difficulties I had shortly before coming to Europe. I was being irrational and was all wrapped up in the possessive emotions of jealousy. The big component that I've been realizing is that I want to have new experiences. I want to try new things. I want to feel new emotions (eventually!). All of these things are unrelated to Vanille. I'm not looking to replace something that she is not giving me, because it's not her job to be the end-all-be-all for my every desire. At the same time, I had to ask myself, why should she be any different? I mean, my whole problem was predicated on the erroneous assumption that the reason we wanted to explore polyamory was that I needed more sexual fulfillment, but I was naturally satisfying her every need. Yes, I realize that this was silly - hence the above realization. At the same time, until we do progress into poly, she IS the only real fulfillment that I can have of any sexual desires. Lots of tension there, as you might imagine.

I think the big reason for the push - in terms of not taking it a bit slower than we have - is that we both want to progress, and have noticed the tension as a result of our sexual incompatibility growing. To make matters even more complicated, I've been lifting a ton (I've gained about 15 lbs of muscle and lost about 10 lbs of fat since my most updated picture) and my testosterone is through the roof at the moment - it's been an interesting feeling! Naturally, my sexual appetite is even more intense. We've also been talking about poly so much that I've gotten excited at the prospect. Now, at the same time, I definitely don't want to ruin everything by pushing Vanille - I think going at the pace of the slower person is a great idea. So, I'm a bit stuck - I don't want to push her, but I want more. If I don't push either for more sex or poly, the tension is freaking palpable, but I really can't risk tainting what we have or what we might have though poly. I've been doing my absolute utmost to not push her, but it's been ridiculously tough in this environment.

In any case, that's sort of the world as I see it in this moment, and it is probably not all that clear as I am befuddled with cough medicine at the moment. Got a cold from walking through the rain yesterday.
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