Unfair family judgement.

CautiousLoops

New member
I'm in a tough situation. Long story short 4 months ago a family member (FM) caught me out with the OTHER bf, a concept FM does not and will never understand. He immediately lashed out at me - IN FRONT OF other bf - and made me cry. Now, I'm probably just too emotional and obviously never expected to see FM, however, it made FM believe that what I was doing was wrong and that because I cried I was very unhappy in my relationship to seek out somebody else.

Since that time (that relationship has since ended) FM has made it their duty to reprimand my lifestyle. Previous to poly my bf and I had a dont-ask-dont-tell open relationship. This FM learned of this through a friend of mine (great friend) and is now rubbing THAT in my face. Threatening to tell my bf what I was doing. My bf and I are now in a one-on-one relationship with just us, growing and are doing wonderful! FM thinks we are both insanely unhappy because of the past incidents. I dont need him to keep bringing this up to me OR my friends.


I am a big believer, as is my partner, that whats our business is OUR BUSINESS unless we choose to tell people of our lifestyle. I am VERY irked by what is happening because 1. I am private and feel exposed and 2. I dont need drama in my life OR my partners. My biggest problem is that my partner is being unfairly judged and looked at as the bad guy. He treats me like a queen and is the best person in my life. Poly was MY idea for goodness sakes!! I do not want my family to look at him or at us like we are freaks or that we are unhappy - that is SO not the case.


my FM would like to meet tonight because they said they would like to understand where my emotions are at with my partner. I am doing this alone, as I do not feel it right to drag my partner into this bs. I want to know opinions on how to handle this with my FM and let them know that they need to just stay out of it. I dont want to be a complete B about it, but I want them to know that this is none of their concern, although I appreciate theirs.


Lesson learned: keep the dates in the home!! :eek:
 
Hell, I'd be a complete bitch about it if I were you! Are you an adult or what? Who is this guy and where does he get off telling you how to live your life?

I wouldn't even meet with him, just call him up and tell him that your relationships and how you live your life are your business and do not concern him. Firmly let him know that he has no right nor reason to interfere and you don't owe him any explanations. Then I'd tell him that you are very happy, and appreciate that he feels protective of you, but that he has gone too far and crossed a line where he is not welcome. Then I would deliver an ultimatum: if he continues to preach at me and judge me, he's out of my life. Done and gone. And I'd be ready to back that up for real. Family doesn't get to play that game with me, no matter who they are or how close I am to them.

Stand up for yourself!
 
I plan on being it. It's just hit a new level where he told my friend he would like to get together with her and discuss if my partner is good for me or not. Who the F does that? Why is it any of his business at all whatsoever? Im so stunned when people all of a sudden want to get involved in things they know nothing about and want to tell me how to live my life.

I planned on treading lightly but I dont see it going that way.
 
Practice saying these phrases before your meeting:

"You are violating my boundaries."
"Your behavior is inappropriate."

Then you can talk about boundaries - recognizing them, honoring them.

Jasmine
 
I am with the majority on this. It is absolutely none of his business and if you continue to justify and defend your decisions to this person, he will just continue to invade your privacy and life. This person will likely never except you; don't let them continue to hurt you.

I have another phrase you should learn and use as needed.
"I appreciate your concern but I am an adult and this is none of your business."
 
Involving your bf might help -- he could email FM and set the record straight. But you're right that this is messed up and that involving your bf isn't necessarily fair. You could always tell him the situation and let him decide if he wants to step in... maybe he would very much want to. But it may well make no difference. If FM has their mind made up about this which seems to be the case then no amount of proof might be enough to make a difference.

The lengths I'd be willing to go to would depend on whether this was an immediate family member that I wanted very much to preserve a close relationship with or an extended family member. Are you accommodating this person because youre afraid they will tell the rest of the family? I find the request for a meeting to be pretty bizarre. It's your life and if you need help and advice you're perfectly capable of asking for it.

Unless there was some compelling reason to treat this person with more delicacy I would just say "I've already told you that things are fine. You need to accept that and let this go, or it will damage our relationship."
 
Last edited:
Unless there was some compelling reason to treat this person with more delicacy I would just say "I've already told you that things are fine. You need to accept that and let this go, or it will damage our relationship."

...."damage our relationship", meaning the relationship of the OP with her family member, yeah? 'Cuz The OP certainly doesn't want to give the family member any fodder, for sure. OP, if you use this line (which I think is great), make sure you're clear on that bit.

My sibling and I don't talk much. Sibling thinks my lifestyle choices are Wrong and is vocal that I'll one day "see the light". Certainly that's not as bad as what you're dealing with, but on a lesser degree, I empathize.

I do think it'd be best to let your significant other know what's going on, but I fully agreethat it's wholly unfair to bring them into this unasked-for drama. I, personally, wouldn't even consider asking the significant other to email FM. FM will find something in that gesture to hurt you with, I'd fear.
 
Yup.
 
My philosophy is, whoever came up with the phrase "Blood is thicker than water" was just coming up with some ridiculous propaganda to encourage nosy relatives to butt in places that aren't their business.
For an independent adult, there is simply no reason to put up with other relatives sticking their noses where it doesn't belong. I've made it a policy to minimize or even cut off contact with any family members who do that. It's made my life a helluva lot easier and less stressful.
 
Many of us make decisions on how to live our lives that our families don't approve of. Dealing with that in a considerate yet self confident way is an opportunity for growth.

I will draw a parallel with breastfeeding, since I am a lactation counselor. Many women I help get negative reactions from family members about their decision to breastfeed, or to continue breastfeeding for more than a few months.

There are several things you can say and do, to get nosy family members to butt out of your lifestyle, your way of loving.

1) Share information. Print off pages from poly websites or share a book about how polyamory works and how it is healthy for some people.

2) Use humor. (In breastfeeding, if someone asks, when seeing the mom and baby nursing, "How long are you going to do THAT?" say, "Oh, probably another 10 minutes or so.")

3) Express appreciation for their concern. This FM might love you and have a real fear you are being damaged by sharing love with more than one partner.

4) Be self confident. If you are happy and feel good about your life, show it! Don't allow them to rock you with their poison.

5) Do not allow them to castigate either of your partners. (Some people will mock a nursing toddler about how they are a big boy/girl and nursing is for babies.) This FM needs to back off your other partners.

6) Even though you say you are a private person, don't back down and hide your joy by not going out with your bfs. (Some women hide indoors to breastfeed, but the more women that hide it, the more of an oddity breastfeeding can seem when someone does nurse in public.) Go out, enjoy life, do it with pride!

7) Is what others have said. Draw clear boundaries. If you like this family member, tell them in no uncertain terms you will no longer discuss this topic with them, and continue your relationship with them. If they just won't back off, stop seeing them.

Remember, this FM might have cravings for other partners themself, and be projecting that longing onto you negatively.
 
Last edited:
Well done, Mags.
 
Mags I know what you mean ...I once saw a 6-7yr old boy walk up and help himself to an afternoon snack ...very shocking or stunning for me and one of my guys. And really hard to continue to have the conversation we were having with the mother ...but she and the kid couldn't have cared less.
 
Poly Pride

> 1) Share information. Print off pages from poly websites

In particular, print off the Poly Pride page, and muse to FM how much you and bf would like to attend a Poly Pride event.
http://www.poly-nyc.com/pride.html

> ...bizarre to ask for a meeting...

Not really. I know of at least two instances among my poly acquaintances where family members staged "interventions." In one case, they asked for a meeting. In another case, they sprang the intervention on someone unannounced.
 
I'm sorry you were caught by surprise and brought to tears. :( I'm with everyone else who says tell FM to mind their own business. And I doubt treading lightly will get the message across adequately.

Of course, out of respect for my mother I'm abiding by an agreement I made with her when I was 19 to not come out to my family as Bi until my grandparents were gone. There's a lot of family I will NOT mind cutting myself off from so I'll probably be grinning when I come out as Bi AND Poly. So I may not be the best person to listen to in this instance. :p
 
I'm better off without people like that in my life. =] I'm sure my mother and sister already think of me as some jerk. Especially at times when I've seemingly brought many people home in short spaces of each other. But thankfully, they generally keep their noses out. Even my sister being bisexual doesn't really seem to open her mind up to other possibilities unfortunately.

Stick with people who embrace who you are, or at least couldn't care what you do with your own life.
 
my FM would like to meet tonight because they said they would like to understand where my emotions are at with my partner.


I know it's past when this was supposed to happen. I'll offer this up for future reference.

I'd *never* meet with a FM in circumstances such as this. To do so is to enable further bad behavior.

How does that enable bad behavior? By agreeing to meet with a such an agenda, you're communicating to the FM that you agree he has every right to be able to expect to call you to task for anything he wants and to interfere in your life. If you agree to a meeting under that rubric, you're reinforcing his ideas that he has rights to impose his nonsense on you--and he will keep doing so forever after.

I'd simply tell him it's none of his business and he needs to keep that in mind. And that he owes me an apology for causing a scene in front of my date and hurting my feelings.
 
I am very private, too, and haven't had anything like this with my family, but something much less drastic happened with Gray's family. Some years ago now, she left for a long weekend to visit a friend in another state. A male friend. Meanwhile, Gray's sibling was visiting my in-laws, who live a short drive away, so I drove over to see them (and get a free meal :D ).

We are all chatting pleasantly when the subject of Gray visiting her friend came up. There's this pause, then one one of them says seriously, "and you are all right with this?"

"Um, yeah. Surprise, surprise, I talk with my wife about our relationship."

Ok, that last part might not have been out loud, but I think it was evident in my tone of voice. There hasn't been another "concerned talk" since.
 
Back
Top