very confused

racer812

New member
okay, here it goes. this will be a long explanation so that hopefully i can get some good advice. i have been with my wife for almost 20 years. i was her first sexual partner and she is the love of my life. we have always had a some what open relationship. we have played with other couples and had a few threesomes. all of this was in the name of experimentation and curiousity. i think we have an excellent relationship, we have always been able to talk about all of our feelings. about 2 months ago my wife gets on facebook and finds her ex boyfriend, he is her first love, she is my first and only love. being a man the whole idea of getting in touch with the ex didnt sit well with me. we worked out my feelings and she made a weekend getaway with him. now i have shared my wife "pyshically" when we partied with others but this is the first time that i have had to share her emotionally. she has told me that she still has feelings for him and still has love for him. the wife has reassured me on several occasions that im her life, her love, but she cannot deny the feelings she has for him. i have been dealing with emotions of jealousy and insecurity and now i think that i am depressed. i have never allowed my self to open my heart to the possibility of loving another. not sure i can. my wife has always been my life. now she is planning more getaways and im not sure i can handle it. the whole emotional rollercoaster is slowly killing me inside. she has no plans to stop contact with him. how do the men handle the roller coaster? sorry i just kinda rambled, but i dont really have anybody to ask for advice.
 
I've got nothing to offer for advice but take care and look after your own health. I hope things work out for the best of all of you.

Mono
 
I'm not in your situation, but just wanted to welcome you and encourage you to continue sharing and reading this forum. There are a lot of people here with good advice and willing to share their own thoughts and feelings. For me, the main philosphy which is underlying the polyamorous lifestyle is the realization that a person can be in love with more than one person and the love they have for a second person does not diminish the love they have for the first person....in fact, it seems to enhance the love for the first person. A very interesting thing happens in polyamorous relationships and when you experience it, you will know it. It's the opposite of jealousy.....it's called compersion.....and it's when you look at your lover and feel happiness because they are happy. The one thing I might suggest is that you request to have a friendship with the guy. That way, you can keep yourself in reality rather then creating all sorts of fantasies about him in your mind. He's only just another human being after all.......
 
Dazed,
The best advice I can give you is this: communicate with your wife. Tell her how depressed you are over it. TELL her how jealous you are. TELL her that you are having a hard time dealing and coping with it.

ASK her if she can slow it down a bit with her ex, for you.

The main thing is to COMMUNICATE. No matter how rediculous your feelings may seem, tell her about them.
 
As I am not in your situation, I can not tell you how to fix this. I hope other members will read this and offer thier two cents. I can say that the best thing you can do now is take care of yourself. I have been deeply depressed before. It can really take a toll on your body and spirit. Try to focus on yourself when you start getting down. I am dealing with a new love intrest that my guy has. I find that keeping busy when I get jealous or worried helps. I go for walks with my dog, do house work. Anything to keep my focus on something that can make me better... or help keep the house in order.

It seems hard, you know she doesn't want to stop seeing this guy. What does she expect from you? Have you asked her yet? Is she just asuming that you are going to be okay with it? Whatever you decide to do, just make sure you keep talking about it. I told my guy recently that I was going to be a little more needy in some respects because he does have a new "friend"... he understands this. I am his primary partner and I should not be afraid to ask for a little help when it comes to dealing with the emotional stuff. Maybe you and the wife can find something to work on together to help you both open up and figure out where this is going.

If I were in your shoes I would want to know her long term plans. I hate surprises. Do you think she would be okay to sit down and go over her goals? As soon as I found out my guy was into this one particular girl, I sat down with him (many times) and asked where exactly he wanted to take this. It sounds silly but I ask him almost daily if he still likes me and wants me as a friend/girlfriend/life partner. I know the answer is yes, but I always want to hear him say it. It makes me happy. I just want to know if he still enjoys me enough to want me to stay around. I'm going nowhere with this... I guess what I'm trying to say is, does she have a way to remind you that you are her #1 and she's not going anywhere? Something to make you feel like you are gaining something from the relationship.

I originally wanted a triad (I'm guessing that's what it's called feel free to correct me if I am wrong) with me and two men...and I still do, eventually. Of course things don't always go as planned... so my guy is now really crushing on this other girl. I did however, recently see a male friend of mine out of town. It was the first time I had "used my golden ticket" and had a sexual encounter with someone other than my current boyfriend. My primary has not been in an open relationship before me. So, after I got back in town there was a lot of talking and readjusting. I almost thought that my guy would change his mind about the whole poly thing and be mad at me. But we talked and talked and talked... until he was more comfortable with what I chose to do. All men are different... I'll also add that me and my guy have been talking about and researching poly ways for a few years now. So we knew it would happen. It sounds like you were hit by surprise. And that's the sucky part.

Again... I am not in your shoes so I'm just throwing thigs out there that have helped me and my guy. I hope you feel better and I hope this situation helps the two of you find out more about yourselves. Good luck.
 
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there are a few things you can do... from my experience.

embrace the jealousy and realize that it is usually a sign that you are not getting your needs met in some way. If you can figure out what that is, then you can tell her. Perhaps talking to her will get you to a place where you can figure it out. go through every idea you might have about what you think is at the route of your jealousy and see if you find something that is a need. If and when you find it then you and her can work towards it. It could just be that that will make everything fine for you.

Besides that, perhaps it's all just a bit fast. It seems to work better when people know each other and have a chance to communicate together, spend time seeing each other for who you are and what is going on for you both. Chances are he has stuff going on too.

Other than that, things take time and a whole lot of adjusting. Anyone new coming into someones life is an adjustment. This is no different but far more intense. Pace yourself and ask her to go at your pace so that you can catch up with yourself and her and begin moving forward at a pace that is suitable for both of you together.
 
good note redpepper... I forgot to mention the going at your own pace thing. I learned a few years ago that time is our friend when it comes to matters of the heart. It gives you a chance to really sit back and go through all of your emotions and find out where they are coming from.
 
thank you to everyone. we talk all the time about my feelings. im just having a really hard time knowing that i am not the only one. she has been and always will be my whole life. we have talked about him, guess i should give him a name. i will call him "h". anyways we have talked about her feelings for h and they go way back to when they were both in highschool. its very hard for me to comprehend that they still have those types of feelings for each other almost 20 years later. i think my biggest issue is the whole " im gonna be replaced thing" i am told by my wife"k" that she loves the life she has with me and will always be with me. she has no intrest in leaving to start another life with h. i have told k that i would really like to meet h when he comes to our area next time. by the way they have a long distance relatioship, its about a 14 hour drive. so when they do get a chance to meet it would be for a weekend getaway. i have tried to keep my mind focused on other things but my hobbies and what little personal life i have outside of us just isnt enough. we do everything together. our hobbies, our friends, everything. like i said she is my life. sorry kinda rambled again. writing my thoughts and feelings has helped, i slept better last nite.
 
she has no plans to stop contact with him. how do the men handle the roller coaster? sorry i just kinda rambled, but i dont really have anybody to ask for advice.


First of all, the bad news. Yeah, the roller coaster sucks. You aren't crazy, that hurting is actually hurting. Also, there is a chance that your wife might leave you. This also really sucks.

Now, with that said, there is a lot of good news.

First of all, communication is going to be helpful. It sounds like you are making some good progress there. Even though they aren't poly, there are a lot of good books on communication out there.

Second, and this is only slightly less important. Find hobbies that don't involve your wife and do them. Make sure that when your wife is out with her new "significant other(SO)" that you are doing something. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard of someone who sat and stewed in their own jealousy and insecurity and when their wife/GF/whatever came home it was really messy. It doesn't have to be poly. I've heard of people who boat, write, I even know some people that use hitting people with sticks as a way to keep busy. The trick is to have a balance between knowing what you are feeling and not letting what you are feeling eat you up inside.
 
As Dharma said before me, this is a chance to get to be YOUR whole life. Which you should be I might add. I have always subscribed to the point of view that I am my own primary. As Derby says, we often don't look after ourselves because we are unable to leave ourselves... this is no reason to get involved with yourself and have the best relationship ever.

When my husband was left while I had crazy NRE and adjustment time with Mono he decided to work on some of his life long issues. He is a completely different man as a result and far more confident, self assured, less stressed about things that come up in his life and quite frankly a better man and far more attractive. This was what he did when faced with the fact that I now had two loves that were equally as strong. What are you going to do. You can still do things that are special to the two of you together, but what is special to you and your growth?
 
thank you all for the insight and advice. i have put some of these questions to k. now just have to wait and see what happens. hopefully this will help me learn to manage my feelings better. if and when k meets h again, i think i will pack up the kids and go camping and fish. starting to get hot where i live and we can go to the mountains to cool off. again thank you for the support. its nice to now that im not the only person to have issue when things are dumped on you.
 
well had a long talk with k last nite. i still have the feeling that she is not being honest with me, and more importantly with herself. after a long discussion i am still confused about where she wants her new relationship to go. she says its just for fun, but its hard to think that its all for fun and its just friendship. its hard to comprehend when they use the "i love you" phrase when texting each other. i have told her that she needs to do some soul searching to figure out what she wants in her life. the answer i get is always the same when i ask her what she wants. she says that she wants to stay with me im am her true love and she does not want to leave our life. part of me thinks the only reason she stays is because of the kids. am i over thinking this? i know that part of my problem is the insecurity that she will leave. thats an issue that im dealing with everyday. part of me feels that this was all just dumped on me and im suppose to deal with it and be ok. part of me feels that im expected to stay home with our little ones and take care of them while shes out having fun with h for a weekend. i know that if this is goig to work that i have to learn to share. but i must admit that i am selfish when i comes to k's heart. in short i guess that im addicted to her, the way she makes me feel, her scent, her touch. sorry just kinda babbling again. i have so much goin thru my mind that its hard to put it in order. i think that the not knowing part is the worst. and knowing that what i, we, have worked so long and hard to get might fall apart. so do i just be the subservient man and let her run? or do i put my foot down and risk all that we have? at this point im not sure. perhaps i am over thinking all of this. maybe i should keep quiet and see what happens. i still dont know what h wants out of their relationship. i havent been allowed into that communication loop yet, even though i have stated the want to get to know him. guess i should be thankful that h doesnt live closer. sorry that i rambled. thank you for any insight or advice.
 
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so do i just be the subservient man and let her run? or do i put my foot down and risk all that we have?
If, by telling her you can't be happy with her loving someone else, you cause her to leave, what do you really have?

I don't know anything about your relationship, and I'm new around here (longtime lurker), so take it for what it's worth. But I do happen to have a spectacular 16-year relationship with my wife, who is exploring polyamory a bit. But she's not doing it despite me, as yours is. There is simply no way she'd do it if I wasn't completely on board. If she somehow lost her mind and did (which actually happened years ago), my foot would be all kinds of down (which it was, and she snapped right out of it.)

The point is you need to put your damn foot down. She's being four different kinds of insensitive to the guy who's supposed to be the love of her life, and she's apparently not going to snap out of it on her own.

That's not to say she can't go ahead and have a relationship with the guy, but it needs to be on both her terms AND yours.
 
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thanks groovy. when she gets home tonite, i think we will talk some more. ihave been very clear about my feelings and i keep getting the same reassurance talk. it just very hard for me to accept the fact that this might be the end of a wonderful life. about a week ago i was giventhe ultimatum to get over my jealousy or get out. well ihavent gotten over it yet and im still here. i think part of her logic is if i leave that she will be free to pursue this relationship. i have done a very low thing, i read there texts. i dont feel good about the whole breach of privacy but i just had to know. very possible that this caused way more damage than good. for the most part all was as she said. txt once or twice a week. how you doin and the like. like i said earlier, i might be over thinking all of this. i was reading about compersion and i think i have experienced it before. i think alot of my problem is jealousy and insecurity. i dont know. just trying to work through this so that we are all happy. my biggest hangup is the thought of lossing her, thats the insecurity. but i keep being told the samething. maybe i should listen with my heart and not my mind.
 
thanks groovy. when she gets home tonite, i think we will talk some more. ihave been very clear about my feelings and i keep getting the same reassurance talk. it just very hard for me to accept the fact that this might be the end of a wonderful life. about a week ago i was giventhe ultimatum to get over my jealousy or get out.

Automatic deal breaker for me. She is being selfish, fine she wants to be poly, but you and her need to work on it as partners...this doesn't sound like a partnership to me.

Ultimatums are usually a sign of bad things, push comes to shove, not matter what you think or feel...you're screwed. She wants him, regardless of anything else in her circle.
 
Automatic deal breaker for me. She is being selfish, fine she wants to be poly, but you and her need to work on it as partners...this doesn't sound like a partnership to me.

Ultimatums are usually a sign of bad things, push comes to shove, not matter what you think or feel...you're screwed. She wants him, regardless of anything else in her circle.

Sad to say I agree. Comments like "get over your jealousy or get out" indicate a lack of depth. If anyone says that when they supposedly love someone then clearly they use the word "Love" in a much different way than the people I know. I'm not even going to add the standard "in my opinion"...that is a bullshit statement.
 
i guess that im addicted to her

While I'm sure that this sounds romantic to a lot of people, your writing this after emphasising earlier how she is your whole life makes it sound to me like there is something not all that healthy about your dynamic. You'd probably feel better right now if you spend some time figuring out who you are and what your life is outside of your relationship.

so do i just be the subservient man and let her run?

Er, this is a strange way of describing a (non-D/s) relationship. Do you see yourself as engaged in some sort of struggle for dominance in your relationship? Your partner should be your best ally, and you should be hers.

about a week ago i was giventhe ultimatum to get over my jealousy or get out. well ihavent gotten over it yet and im still here.

Well, this is clear, but not very helpful. I mean, it should be a clear message that something about your behaviour right now is doing catastrophic damage to your relationship (which is exactly the thing you don't want to happen). But it is a lot easier to say to someone "get over your jealousy" than it is do it. And it really isn't too much to expect that she should be your first and best resource for working through your insecurity.

She's your partner because she wants to be with you. You clearly want to be with her. Try to dial down the stuff that's damaging the relationship, ask for her help in having sane, quiet conversations on where your insecurities are, explore who you are besides just being her partner, and have some faith that you can get to a place where the relationship is going to work well again.
 
Ok, I'm going to suggest that you read the book "The Ethical Slut". This book has done wonders for my wife.

There is a part in there which deals with jealousy. One of the authors said they had a issue with jealousy ones, and they asked their significant other to re-assure them that they (the sig other) wasn't going anywhere, and they would still love them (the author). My wife has done this to me since our marriage began....almost 20 years ago. She did it on a regular basis even though we weren't practicing poly yet. We didn't even KNOW about poly.....She has done this since we've been married. I, on the other hand, have not....So as we waded into this poly life, who do you think had the largest issues with jealousy? Thats right, she did. It's my own fault.....because I was lacking in my reassurance to her that I would not leave, and that I would love her eternally.

Ask her for that reassurance. Tell her that you are scared and/or nervous and most of all, WORRIED that she will leave you for him.
 
maybe i should listen with my heart and not my mind.

You love with the same heart that you fear with. Listen to your heart and ACCEPT that fear. Realistically speaking, your wife can and might leave you. What are you going to do to make sure that the situation does not head towards that direction?

Your wife was honest enough to admit her feelings about "H". That's one good thing. Her honesty should be met with your trust. If the way you discussed your jealousy with your wife made her react negatively, she just might start keeping things from you. You don't want that honesty to go away. You want to keep that communication channel open and positive.

Why do you think would she leave you? Do you think "H" is filling up a void in her that you're not aware of? Do you think "H" is a better lover? I'm sure you have a lot of questions of the same nature that are unanswered and this is causing your insecurity. Ask her those questions in a non-confrontational way. It will probably help if you met "H" and he himself can probably answer some of the nagging questions that are affecting you emotionally. You asked if you should put your foot down. Maybe this is the time to do so. "K" is your wife and you have every right to demand to get to know who she's spending time with. This is for your wife's safety too. It's time for the three of you to meet and have a "friendly" chat. Showing confidence about yourself and your relationship with "K" will do you good during that meeting.

Like everybody said, take care of yourself. Good luck and I hope you'll get your peace of mind.
 
hi dazed :)

i can't completely understand what you're going thru because i'm female, but when my husband first started talking to other women online & being more serious than friends, it tore me up. i've slowly come to a point where i can accept & deal with it, but it took time, talking about it with my husband, meeting (on skype, at least) the woman he's with now & getting to know her, & work on both our parts to get there. the jealousy is very difficult to deal with- here are a couple of sites that really helped me:

http://www.serolynne.com/poly_jealousy.htm

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyjealousy.html

these go specifically to posts on dealing with jealousy, but there's lots of other great information too. i would suggest reading these, taking a look at your feelings, & talking to your wife about it openly & honestly. i know men have trouble with that sometimes, but i'm sure it will help. please feel free to message me if you'd like to talk, i can't imagine the initial difficulty & hurt is that much different for men & women. i feel like i went thru hell, & if i'd just thought to look for this information sooner, i could've spared myself so much pain. you've done a great thing coming on to this site & reaching out for help, to me that shows you really care about your wife's happiness :)

warm hugs, Alice
 
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