tealheron11
New member
I apologize if the title of this thread comes across in a dramatic way. I don't necessarily think I feel "abandoned," right now, but I do feel very emotionally fragile and have been having ups and downs peppered with insecurity about both my partners for at least the last month. When this happens I think "is this what I really want" about polyamory. I read all this posts where everyone seems happy, people have 2, 3 or more partners, and are living in bliss. Sometimes I feel like I'm in poly hell.
I have my husband of 8 plus years and my boyfriend of 1 year. Boyfriend considers himself to be "mono" for what it's worth, although he did casually date other women in the beginning of our relationship and has slept with someone else since we've been together. My husband has another serious relationship, his girlfriend. I have honestly never liked her, though I tried, REALLY hard, but have reached the end of my rope. Their dynamic (husband and gf) have continually pushed boundaries I didn't know I had until they were crossed. I get this is part of the deal. It has been so hard to cope with this. I bring up my concerns but it just doesn't seem to matter. I really don't think it's the fault of "poly," but moreso how they are together. She is like a black hole needing validation and reassurance and my husband continually gives it. In some ways she reminds me of how I used to be. I still have some of those tendencies, but I try so hard to check myself. I would be more compassionate if I didn't feel like their relationship had pulled him away. I have been trying to get a job out of state for a long time, I finally did, and he's not moving right away with me - he intends to move, but is staying behind for a bit, because of his job (or so he says) but also her. To top it off, he is well integrated into her family with her kids and husband. I know this sounds like a happy perfect fairytale, who wouldn't want their partner to meet their kids and be in their family. This hurts me more than anything. My partner and I can't have kids biologically because of his health issues. We had talked about adoption, but lately he's changed his mind about that. But now he's with her family, with her kids. It just makes me feel so left out and isolated.
Then I have my boyfriend.. who I love dearly, but that situation isn't without issues. He's mono. It's my own fault for getting this close to him, I know. I didn't think I would "change" him or anyone, but I guess I thought I could handle it or didn't realize how deep we'd go. Boyfriend is military and will be leaving soon... we don't know exactly when. Boyfriend is also super introverted. In the state that I am in right now, I want to spend as much time with him as possible, but I feel like I am encroaching on time he needs to himself. While he also wants to spend time with me, he acknowledges this and that he needs his alone time. It's hard because we swing on this pendulum from "let's spend all our free time together" and are on this upswing, to him suddenly seeming annoyed and needing space. And it's not like we have time to talk it out and figure out a better arrangement, because he could leave anytime.
Meanwhile, I got this out of state job and I could also leave anytime. I feel like there is so much uncertainty in my life. My husband isn't coming with me on this big move, my relationship is most likely ending - boyfriend doesn't want to do long distance, especially since in his mind, our relationship can only go so far. I would consider getting a divorce in the future potentially for him, I would, but i'm not going to do that now! I know my husband would understand and would not be mad at me. But I see no reason in doing that if boyfriend doesn't see a future with me, or can't give this a chance.
Sorry this is so negative and all over the place! I am feeling really down, husband has been babysitting his girlfriend's kids all night since her other kid is in the hospital (which is terrible), my boyfriend is in a weird mood and getting his space, and meanwhile I heard bad news about my current job and was very upset, but it's like no one has time for me. Husband is preoccupied with the kids and that emergency situation, and boyfriend minimizes my feelings because "you have another job lined up" I feel really alone. To re-iterate, trapped in poly hell!!!
I am sure it took many of you YEARS to figure this out and get to where you are all at. I am willing to keep trying but this year has been so hard. My husband dated a bit, but immediately found his girlfriend and has not really been hurt. I feel like my heart went through the ringer with so many guys, and now I'm about to lose this amazing relationship that meant so much to me, and have to move away alone
Again, sorry this was like a giant pity party!! I hope someone else out there can relate.
I have my husband of 8 plus years and my boyfriend of 1 year. Boyfriend considers himself to be "mono" for what it's worth, although he did casually date other women in the beginning of our relationship and has slept with someone else since we've been together. My husband has another serious relationship, his girlfriend. I have honestly never liked her, though I tried, REALLY hard, but have reached the end of my rope. Their dynamic (husband and gf) have continually pushed boundaries I didn't know I had until they were crossed. I get this is part of the deal. It has been so hard to cope with this. I bring up my concerns but it just doesn't seem to matter. I really don't think it's the fault of "poly," but moreso how they are together. She is like a black hole needing validation and reassurance and my husband continually gives it. In some ways she reminds me of how I used to be. I still have some of those tendencies, but I try so hard to check myself. I would be more compassionate if I didn't feel like their relationship had pulled him away. I have been trying to get a job out of state for a long time, I finally did, and he's not moving right away with me - he intends to move, but is staying behind for a bit, because of his job (or so he says) but also her. To top it off, he is well integrated into her family with her kids and husband. I know this sounds like a happy perfect fairytale, who wouldn't want their partner to meet their kids and be in their family. This hurts me more than anything. My partner and I can't have kids biologically because of his health issues. We had talked about adoption, but lately he's changed his mind about that. But now he's with her family, with her kids. It just makes me feel so left out and isolated.
Then I have my boyfriend.. who I love dearly, but that situation isn't without issues. He's mono. It's my own fault for getting this close to him, I know. I didn't think I would "change" him or anyone, but I guess I thought I could handle it or didn't realize how deep we'd go. Boyfriend is military and will be leaving soon... we don't know exactly when. Boyfriend is also super introverted. In the state that I am in right now, I want to spend as much time with him as possible, but I feel like I am encroaching on time he needs to himself. While he also wants to spend time with me, he acknowledges this and that he needs his alone time. It's hard because we swing on this pendulum from "let's spend all our free time together" and are on this upswing, to him suddenly seeming annoyed and needing space. And it's not like we have time to talk it out and figure out a better arrangement, because he could leave anytime.
Meanwhile, I got this out of state job and I could also leave anytime. I feel like there is so much uncertainty in my life. My husband isn't coming with me on this big move, my relationship is most likely ending - boyfriend doesn't want to do long distance, especially since in his mind, our relationship can only go so far. I would consider getting a divorce in the future potentially for him, I would, but i'm not going to do that now! I know my husband would understand and would not be mad at me. But I see no reason in doing that if boyfriend doesn't see a future with me, or can't give this a chance.
Sorry this is so negative and all over the place! I am feeling really down, husband has been babysitting his girlfriend's kids all night since her other kid is in the hospital (which is terrible), my boyfriend is in a weird mood and getting his space, and meanwhile I heard bad news about my current job and was very upset, but it's like no one has time for me. Husband is preoccupied with the kids and that emergency situation, and boyfriend minimizes my feelings because "you have another job lined up" I feel really alone. To re-iterate, trapped in poly hell!!!
I am sure it took many of you YEARS to figure this out and get to where you are all at. I am willing to keep trying but this year has been so hard. My husband dated a bit, but immediately found his girlfriend and has not really been hurt. I feel like my heart went through the ringer with so many guys, and now I'm about to lose this amazing relationship that meant so much to me, and have to move away alone
Again, sorry this was like a giant pity party!! I hope someone else out there can relate.