. . . I asked if he was happy to take it slow at first and only stay over at hers once a week for the first 3 weeks, he asked for 3 times a fortnight - we both agreed on that . . .
The problem arose that B thought that I was doing double standards because I could see my girlfriend as much a liked. I could see where she was coming from, but my girlfriend and I had been together half a year by then, and H really enjoyed having her round the house as they got on very well - still do. Anyway, this all spiraled out of control, nasty things were said, gossip was spread and H and B split up.
And technically I suppose it was double standards, but it was something I was putting all my energy into working on and improving myself and with my partners support.
Whilst I appreciate this, what you don't realise is that your issues with your partner being non monogamous, a lifestyle you fully consented to and practice, impacted on someone else who is not in a relationship with you. That is unfair on the other person . . .
I am usually one of the first to say that each dyad should manage their own relationships, and not make rules for other relationships. However, I see the above situation a bit differently. In Josie's example, she was living with a long-term partner and had another that was still fairly new by some standards (6 mos.) but also pretty well established in its own rhythm. Her live-in partner has a few dates with someone new and discusses it with Josie, who then asks him to go slowly as far as number of overnights he has with the new chick in just the first few weeks, so she can process the change in their dynamic. Obviously, there will be a new dynamic to the long-term relationship since they live together.
So, he negotiates with Josie and they agree on a frequency and pace they are both happy with. Of course, some will say, what about asking the new chick what she wants? But this was an agreement between
him and Josie about how often he would not be sleeping at home, and for a limited time only - and a brief time period at that (2 weeks). Josie didn't seem to say she wanted to limit all his contact with her new metamour. She didn't ask to control his other relationship, but that the dynamic within her own relationship with him was something she could handle. Hardly unreasonable.
So he informs the new chick, B, someone he had only had a handful of dates with at that point, about the agreement that he has with his live-in partner that will have an affect on the first couple of weeks in his developing relationship with her, and B goes ballistic, saying it is unfair because she sees Josie as doing whatever she wants with her
other relationship. But the structure and time allotted to Josie's other relationship has nothing to do with B, and nothing to do with Josie's agreement with H. What if it had been a business trip he had, or some obligation to his family, whatever, that would've limited his time with B? Would B have been okay with that, and if so, why that and not her metamour asking for a slower pace? Does it always have to be me-me-me without any give and take? Even though I am all for egalitarian poly, I think the mistake that was made was that Josie's metamour wanted everything to be
the same across the board and no one would get less time to spend with a partner than anyone else does. This is silly. This is making demands.
If I am solo and do not live with a partner. If I were to start dating someone, and he tells me he has an agreement with a current partner which will affect how often I see him, it's not unfair - it simply is what it is. I would only see it as unfair if it comes up short as compared to something else - but what use is it to compare, when all I should do is ask myself whether or not I can live with it. In and of itself, is asking a live-in partner for a limit on overnights for a brief period actually unfair? No, I don't think so. It wouldn't be up to me to try and change
their agreement or manipulate the situation to what I want. All I can do is ask if the situation would work for me, if I still feel respected in such a situation, and then I have the choice to either accept it, ask for an adjustment to it and see if he is willing to renegotiate with her to give it to me, or walk away. What good does it do to throw a tantrum, badmouth the guy and his partner(s), and start rumors, as Josie's ex-metamour apparently did? That is idiotic, especially since it was such a short amount of time that Josie and he had agreed to limit overnights. I would have seen it as a time management issue combined with consideration for a partner who just would like an easy transition rather than a sudden change. My desire for a relationship with someone doesn't mean I can't make a small allowance for a metamour to adjust to my presence, though if it became a pattern of control as the relationship moved on, I sure as hell wouldn't put up with that.
People think fair means equal, but it doesn't. Some things that are fair to everyone are not equal, and some things that are equal are not fair. Every case is different, depending on the people and their dynamic.