Redpepper's journey

I seemed to have pushed my men to the brink this weekend. I don't know how to come back from it. I don't know if I did it, or if they were already there. I suspect a bit of both.

PN was a mess yesterday, before and after a discussion about the responsibility of our garden and how it is expected to be done. Every year, it's like pulling teeth to get it done. The discussion led to other things on his mind, mostly about him not getting to write more, as he needs (among other things). We had it out until he came to a conclusion that left him happy. I was emotionally exhausted, but content that we came away with something positive.

Our discussions influenced Mono, who doesn't like our fighting, I am sure. He bases a lot of his feelings of reassurance on how PN and I are doing, far more than he needs to. I think he has been feeling weighed down by all of us and not getting enough independence lately. He is not interested in helping out in the garden either (among other things) and resents that I even bring it up. Lately he seems to resent everything I do, from needing to vent about something, to even existing in his presence. Even my asking him if I should go or stay, asking him what he wants me to do, or where I should be, is irritating to him. I seem to get eye-rolls over everything I do, lately.

Last night, we went to visit some friends for a quiet drink and a chat. I went home at 1:00 am, after Mono said he wanted to stay the night. I was hurt and disappointed that he wanted to stay, as it used to be that he wanted to spend every moment with me. But I understood that he needed to spend time on his own and be independent. So, with that in mind, I headed home.

I ended up not sleeping until well past 4:00, due to my disappointment and sadness. I know it was silly. He is grown man. I never said he had to be by my side all the time. I guess I was just surprised. I don't do well with plans being changed and spontaneous, to that level. Transitioning to something different than what I expect to happen is hard for me. I laid there and realized that this was MY thing and for ME to get over, until I fell asleep.

This morning, we had an interview set up with a journalist from a magazine. We had arranged for this time due to time changes and because it was the only opportunity for awhile to get us all in one place. Mono didn't show, even though he'd said he would be home by then. To me, this was a sign of the future. I have discovered that I need to do things on my own and to stop expecting and relying on anyone to do things with me. I live in a house of independent people. I will be, also, and not expect that we do anything together anymore.

Having three partners does not mean that I will always have someone by my side. In fact, I had the experience of having someone by my side more often when I was monogamous. Having many partners does not mean things get done around the house. It does mean that when I need support, I get a lot, but when it comes to giving it to all at once, I have to give three times as much energy. Most of the time, I am giving three times as much energy to all of them than I get in return, even if I am receiving a lot also. It's more of everything. I ask for more and I receive more and I give more. Huge amounts come and go from me and into me. It overwhelms me most of the time.

This winter has brought changes that I didn't expect. I'm exhausted by them, exhausted deep inside of me. I don't think I can continue on with this, actually. I really think that I might just lose my mind. The more I am unable to cope, the more I feel what I have built slip away. I don't have the capacity to hold it together any more. The responsibility has become too large. I love my life and all my loves, but with PN going through stuff, Mono going through stuff, and feeling like I have no idea what is going on for Derby at all, as she doesn't say much, I have nothing left for myself.

Someone told me this week that they saw me as the emotional caretaker of the community. She saw that I was vulnerable emotionally, in a moment where I expressed what I was afraid of and why I find it hard to trust, sometimes. Apparently I am not supposed to be the one that is on the verge of crumbling, as I am seen as the solid pillar of strength for a lot of people. Well, I'm not. I never have been. Right now, I am certainly not in a position to be a pillar for anyone, yet it's expected from everyone, and people come looking for me for that strength.

I was hoping for some rest this weekend, or at least some work getting done that didn't require emotional energy. I've used up my physical and emotional energy. I am starting a work week more drained than I felt at the end of the work week.

I'm going to Vegas at the end of this week. Three nights left until I go. I might not come back. Running away seems about the best option right now, as I am afraid to stay here.
 
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Oh ms. red, I'm so sorry you're feeling all drained. :( I, myself, love the running away fantasy. I always fantasize about running away to San Diego (though Hawaii would be better) where I would never need a coat.

I bet you can get some renewal and rest in Vegas, and I bet you can get through three more days.

hang in...
 
I just wanted to say that I hope your trip away helps you feel a bit better.

I've found that dealing with loss of an important relationship has made me fearful and questioning of other relationships in my life. Grief is not easy I think and doesn't go away quickly.

IP
 
Sorry you're feeling so exhausted.

I wonder if your being a hinge between the men, or your being a woman, might have an effect so that you may easily become the one who gets the responsibility of things getting done, like the garden? I also wonder, since it seemed that it used to be that Mono was very helpful in the beginning of the co-habitation, if he felt he needed to "earn" the right to live there with you all, and now that he maybe feels more like he has the right, he feels he doesn't need to participate as much? Additionally, could the feelings of tiredness be a sign that you need better boundaries, in order to not give more energy than you are able to? Maybe you won't be able to give as much when you're going through stuff yourself.

Just some thoughts I had, I don't know if true in any way so take it or leave it. Take care.
 
I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time, Redpepper. I will tell you the same thing that I tell Wendigo and Runic Wolf when they are going through something that I can't fathom or heal the hurt from: "I wish I knew the magic words to erase all the pain you're in, to restore your sense of balance and self, but I don't. I'm not sure such a thing exists. But I'm here if you need me."

With Runic Wolf's depression and Wendigo's living situation, there are often times when I feel overwhelmed by giving them all that I have, and realizing that it isn't enough to keep a smile on their faces. It physically hurts for me to see the people I care about hurting. Ahh, the problems of being an empath. So at times I need to withdraw myself from a situation where I feel like I'm not helping.

Maybe your loves are doing that, as well. They rallied to your side when you needed them. But even combined, it wasn't enough to heal your hurt and restore you to the Redpepper they love.

Perhaps they are lost and confused as to what to do, and need to take some time and space for themselves, as well, so that they don't get sucked into the feeling of frustration and hurt at not being able to "fix" you. I know that I get that way, sometimes. I blame myself for not being able to make it right for them, though I didn't make it wrong in the first place.

Just some food for thought. PM me if you need to talk.
 
Oh, RP! Even this non-empath can feel the pain in that post.

I tend to be more of a taker of emotional energy than someone who gives it out. I've become more aware of this over time and I now consciously work on not being only a taker, and being more of a giver. Beaker is more like you. She is a natural giver of energy, an empath, and someone who likes helping people through emotional support. I had to learn to give more, and do so consciously, so I did not drain her. She had to learn to pull back and give less. Most of the time we did ok with this, but it was always something we needed to deal with.

Perhaps it's time for you to give less, to prioritize yourself and your needs. This will be hard on you and your loves, especially your men. You are their foundation. But you need to be shaky right now in order to grow and figure this hard patch out. (And it will pass.) They need to be more of their own foundations now, as well as figure out how to send you more support, so you can rebuild and eventually get less shaky.

Consider also that they may not fully know how to recharge you emotionally. (I didn't.) Or they may be sending you energy and supporting you in ways that you may not see, or in ways that just don't work for you. (I had to figure out how to be less draining and give more, as Beaker wasn't getting what she needed.)

Your loves adore you. I am sure they would work with you to rebalance yourself and your relationships.
 
*hugs*

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now Red.

The trip away sounds like a good idea; there are many many times I wish I could just go be somewhere else for a while, to centre myself, to listen to nothing but air, to recharge and regain the energy to revamp.

I hope it does everything for you that it needs to. Just remember to breathe, and pace, and invoke as much calm as you possibly can in the meantime. If you need to just stop for a minute, then do it.
 
Just trying to catch up after a long absence, and I see this post.

RP, you say that you feel like you are someone that a lot of folks look up to when it comes to poly and life. I think that is true. However, the fact that you are willing to express some of what you are going through right now, for others to see, shows that even the folks that we look up to have issues and are not some utopian vision of what a particular life should be. Don't be afraid to let them see that you are human and have these rough times, too.

It's sounding to me like the synergistic energies that you used to have aren't really felt by you any more. If anything, it sounds like you feel that for each of you, life together is more a matter of finding compromises (1+1+1 = 0.75) rather than finding energy from each other (1+1+1 = 4).

Speaking from my own paradigms here: I don't do well when I feel that things are fractured. I need to feel like everyone involved is working to support a common goal or set of goals. When that starts breaking down, I feel the need to try to refocus us all, to maybe review the goals, so that we can all get enthusiastically behind them again.

I find it easy to get bogged down in the various aspects of my life, and sometimes those become things that pull me aware from the Core, the things I value the most. I'm sure this happens to everyone, in one form or another. Sometimes we all just need some reminders of what our priorities are, you know?

I really feel for you.
 
There has been much going on, but I don't have time to write much right now. Thanks for the replies, all. I wish this forum had a like button. :p I'm feeling much better now.

Things are in the works and are going better this week. Mono has realized that he has a habit of sabotaging a good thing when he finds it hard to know where to go next, and starts getting depressed. We have worked out what to do next time. The occurrences of the other night have given me a precedent to fall back on and I intend to use it. I intend to remind him that I am not going anywhere and that I love him and will kick his ass until he gets his act together. He has agreed to this, even though he swears there will be no next time. We have had a great week of bonded lovemaking and connection. We shall see how much gardening gets done as a result. :D

PN and I have also had our "bonding" time. While the garden is at least mowed, there is much more to do.

Everyone's mood is better though, maybe because I am going away? :rolleyes:

It seems Mono's boundaries have moved. He has decided that it's okay for me to be free to consider other people as options to date and have sex with. This leaves my new friend in a new position, or at least leaves me in a position of looking at him differently. I am wondering where this will go, now that he has given me the okay to take it as it comes. I told Derby about it all and she seems to think he is an okay option, should I choose.

My biggest concern is his gf and PN, if I should decide to consider him as someone worthy of dating. Time will tell.

I'm off to Vegas for the long weekend with my ex-wife, my first trip out of Canada by plane in 8 years. I didn't realize all that goes into flying now!

I am so excited, but it means leaving the forum for the time I'm gone, I think. First time for that too, in three years. Behave, people! ;)
 
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What an awesome holiday. :) Nothing but go go go. Of course! That's how I roll! :D

I did sit by the pool for a couple of hours, though.

I had a great time, but missed my diverse life. I am so much more appreciative of all I have. I appreciated the time away, too. Nothing like some space to gain perspective.

It looks like my ex is staying put for now, as she loves her life there. She is finished with school and is planning on looking for a job there.

It was great to spend a huge chunk of time with her. We got along great. She took me to some places she knew, because she lives near there, so I got to see some of local life. I prefer that. It made me realize how openly diverse my life is. I got a chance to see what it feels like to be an odd duck in the world, more than I do here.

Onward to working on the show this weekend and catching up with my loves. I spent the afternoon with Mono, PN and LB yesterday. I showed them all the pictures and gave them their presents.

Today I'm off to see Derby and check in with her.

I plan to see my new friend at some point, to see about creating some space between us. I think I am preferring to leave him to do the work he needs to do with his gf. It seems I might be making it worse by being in his life. Some time away might help.
 
Oh forum, how I miss thee.

It's been a busy busy week and isn't letting up. Right now I am gearing up for tonight's big burlesque show. First big show since the Christmas one... actually before that, as we have some performers coming from out of town. I'm so excited and nervous right now, but trying to breathe and take in a lovely sunny day here.

Updates. Okay, let's see.

Leo's wife has contacted PN and wants to hang out. I am fine with that and encouraging it, but also very emotional about it, as well, as the intent is to talk about what happened this winter. At least, that's PN's intention. PN is anxious to hear what happened for her in all this, as all of us figure that it was all a grand misunderstanding and a moment of confusion, too much information and high emotions.

I am finding myself feeling very vulnerable and emotional about it. But whatever. Such is life. I'm not about to stop anyone hanging out because of how I feel. I just have to deal and get through it.

My new friend has broken up with his girlfriend. He has realized, through talks with me, and through his history with her, that there are parts of their relationship that are not going to change. He is keen to see about us getting together as an item, but I have put him off due to his break-up. It seems to me that the most ethical thing to do, in the spirit of compassion, remaining honest in my communication with her (as she is a closer friend of mine), and having integrity, is to go at her pace, and let some time pass before jumping into the idea that my new friend and I could be more than just friends.

He needs time too, as it's been a rough couple of weeks. He is finding himself bombarded with his own issues, emotions, and in need of grounding and new perspective.

So, we will all wait and see where all this is going. Little steps will reveal what could be and eventually what the best choices are. Part of me suspects that he will move on and that I am the person that was the catalyst in his continuing journey of self discovery. I don't know yet. If that is the case, it will be revealed.

Life at home and with Derby is great. It's been a bonding experience between us, in the event of this week's break-up of our friends. It's hard work being supportive and knowing where our own personal boundaries are. Our friends have relied on us in different ways and needed support this week. It makes things a little on the sad side, not to mention frustrating, when there are other things going on in life, and support isn't always easy to give.

So, dear forum, I hope to catch up next week. I have a hard time knowing that there are now pages of threads I haven't looked at. I am letting it go, but it's a strange feeling, just the same. ;)

I hope to lose a pasty tonight, as they say in the biz. Heh. :D After being in Vegas, I feel rather pathetic. But, whatever. This isn't Vegas, but we sure know how to have a good time, just the same. :p
 
I'm slowly getting to know my new friend and like what I am finding. He is interested in something more. That is very evident. I am waiting patiently to see what happens in time and with some healing from the relationship he had, that just ended.

I can see that all the ingredients I would look for in a partner are there, including the necessity for huge amounts of independence, in terms of time (I don't have much... surprise :eek:), a considerate nature in terms of commitment to others of importance in his life, indication that life is to be filled with exiting new adventures and the fulfilling of goals, diligence in working on his issues, valuing sexuality and seeing the physical aspects of his body and others' bodies as sacred, the importance of pacing oneself and viewing life as an unfolding process that need not be rushed, especially if one is to have something full and rich, tons of expression of emotion, intellectual thoughts on various topics. I dunno... There is lots more that I look for.

I guess what I really don't know is how much of this is friendship and how much is relationship-worthy.

Mono has been spending some time with our friend. I think he is plowing through his thoughts on the possibility of me being with him. They get along very well, and are very similar, in a lot of ways.

Do I really need another Mono, who isn't mono?! HA! :D Not really, I don't think. Then what would be a good enough reason to date this man, other than he really loves me and tells me that quite often?
 
... then what would be a good enough reason to date this man other than he really loves me and tells me that quite often?

Oh, let's see... perhaps because the experience could enrich your life even further? Maybe because one can never have too much love and caring in one's life? Because it might be fun? Because not entering into it will always make you wonder if that was the right choice? Because you will learn more about another human being (always interesting!) and yourself? Because the opportunity is presenting itself and life is too short to pass up good opportunities?

;)
 
The best way to feel alive is through living. You seem like a very extroverted lady, and if this person nurtures you and makes you feel good, by all means, enjoy it. Obviously he sees you as a wonderful person who is worth being with despite your time commitments. That's a pretty good indicator he's worth some of your time. :)
 
Lotusesandroses, thanks for your kind words of wisdom. :)

What a great week-- a dinner date with my fabulous husband, a surprise visit from Derby on her way home from derby, and a coffee date. Mono bought himself a truck that I get to take out for a drive this weekend. At LB's school there are going to be some big changes that will only make it even more of an amazing place for him to be. My new friend has been hanging around the house, hanging out with Mono and offering to help with household stuff. (You know how I love that!) Everything has been great this week. :)

I'll be off for a coffee with my new friend in an hour or so. I am wondering what will come of that, as it will be the first time we meet without major issues to talk about in his life. Perhaps some silent moments? I can gauge my comfort level with others by those silent moments. This should be interesting. He has kissed me a couple of times briefly. I have remained at a distance. I think I will let that go this time and see what that brings, in terms of my comfort and trust levels.
 
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RP, have fun and enjoy! This new friend of yours sounds awesome! And it's really good and special that Mono is on board and supportive about it.

Besides, after such a long time trying to make an unworkable situation work with that schmuck who only wanted you for decoration, isn't it fun/nice/groovy/hot to be in the company of someone who is actually available and obviously interested?
 
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