The Downside of Poly: Article in Psychology Today

I enjoyed it but I am admittedly a fan of hers because of her ability to communicate the idea of poly to mono people in a way that doesn't make my eyes burn out ;)
 
Ditto Mon.
Does that make me odd? I'm not mono-but I do appreciate someone who can speak of "me" to someone who IS mono and not send them into an emotional downhill spiral.

I like her, I subscribe to her online newsletter.
:)
 
A lot of these problems, as she admits, are actually problems with the social machinery of enforced monogamy. "Rejection by family, friends, etc.," not knowing which partner to take to a party, and the inability to run for political office aren't problems with polyamory; they're problems with prejudice against polyamory.

About the claim of "increased drama:" I don't know that drama is increased in a poly relationship, and I would claim that it isn't. I know of and have (alas) been in mono relationships characterized by constant drama, usually as a result of someone's deep insecurities. Monogamous relationships set themselves against the natural human tendency to wander and explore, and monogamists know it, and the result is often a lot of suspicion and paranoia, and snooping in people's cell phones and email boxes and condom packages. Snooping is HUGELY dramatic in a lot of monogamous relationships, and is usually less of an issue in poly. In my experience, a poly relationship in harmony with that basic human nature to explore new territory and find variety is far less dramatic.

About the challenges with time management: well.... "duh." But I think that is true of any relationship. Monogamous couples also must manage their time between their relationship and their career, friends, hobbies, etc. I also tend to think that time management is more a problem for smaller poly families (triads, quads) and vees/stars than for tribes. It's easy for a member of a triad or quad to feel left out of activities, but there's always someone around to be with in a tribe.

Poly relationships are different, but honestly, I can't think of a single real down side that doesn't have to do with social condemnation. If you can rise above that, I don't think there are any problems directly related to polyamory itself, which is in closer harmony to the actual, real, non-fairytale human condition than strict monogamy.
 
Monogamous relationships set themselves against the natural human tendency to wander and explore, and monogamists know it, .

I'm apparently not human because I don't have this tendency nor do I see it as natural for everyone...but I am mono :D
I guess if you have this tendency it's hard to imagine some one who doesn't;)
 
Interesting article. Thanks for sharing

I am mono and very new to this poly thing.

I was completely distraught when my bf first told me he wants to be poly, in large part because I don’t want the hassle of living an alternative lifestyle. I already have to deal with the “stigma” of being a single mother and being the parent of a child with a psychological disorder. I don’t relish the idea of giving society one more reason to judge me.

I chose to be a single parent because my husband was immature, disrespectful to me, and had addictions he refused to deal with. Our lives have been much better since he’s been out of our lives.

Psychological problems just plain happen sometimes. I love my son just the same and dare someone to tell me to love him less.

But poly. Poly is not my choice. It does not directly make my life better. It’s this thing I do because my bf, whom I love more than anyone on the planet, needs this to feel complete.

Since we embarked on this journey called polyamory together, I have felt isolated from the rest of the world. I can’t talk to my mono friends and family about our choice or what I’m feeling. I am terrified that people will catch on that my bf has another gf and:
a) feel sorry for me because my man is cheating on me and I don’t know it or
b) feel sorry for me because I’m too stupid/needy/insecure/fill-in-the-blank to leave a man who is obviously cheating on me.

My bf and I actually read the article today and talked about my discomfort with societal issues. He is unconcerned with what society thinks, because it’s no one else’s business how we love. And I can agree with him that it’s no one else’s business. However, we made this choice for him, so I feel like he can more easily say “I don’t care what others think or say”. I have chosen not to have relationships outside of ours. From the outside looking in, it doesn’t appear that I am gaining anything out of agreeing to this type of relationship. I’m not pleased with being forced to live more differently. I believe in discretion. I’m a very private person. So I don't put my business out all over the place. But this decision makes me feel like I’m living in the shadows. And worse yet, if someone gets a glimpse of what’s going on in the shadows, they will pity me because I could do so much better.
 
I'm apparently not human because I don't have this tendency nor do I see it as natural for everyone...but I am mono :D
I guess if you have this tendency it's hard to imagine some one who doesn't;)

Yeah... maybe it got away from me a little there.
 
Since we embarked on this journey called polyamory together, I have felt isolated from the rest of the world. I can’t talk to my mono friends and family about our choice or what I’m feeling. I am terrified that people will catch on that my bf has another gf and:
a) feel sorry for me because my man is cheating on me and I don’t know it or
b) feel sorry for me because I’m too stupid/needy/insecure/fill-in-the-blank to leave a man who is obviously cheating on me.

My bf and I actually read the article today and talked about my discomfort with societal issues. He is unconcerned with what society thinks, because it’s no one else’s business how we love. And I can agree with him that it’s no one else’s business. However, we made this choice for him, so I feel like he can more easily say “I don’t care what others think or say”. I have chosen not to have relationships outside of ours. From the outside looking in, it doesn’t appear that I am gaining anything out of agreeing to this type of relationship. I’m not pleased with being forced to live more differently. I believe in discretion. I’m a very private person. So I don't put my business out all over the place. But this decision makes me feel like I’m living in the shadows. And worse yet, if someone gets a glimpse of what’s going on in the shadows, they will pity me because I could do so much better.

Thank you for sharing this. You are not alone in feeling this way. I think being mono in a poly relationship makes a lot of the societal judegement concerns very intense. I have the same worries at times although a lot less after two years. People (i.e. mono people) can't understand why I would be monogamous with someone who isn't. It's actually easier to just say you have an open relationship both ways and make lite of the relationship....BUT....that is a lie, because we are mono and the people who really know you will likely see right through it. It also can hurt our partners.

You are also not alone in feeling isolated from your mono friends...and this is not always an indication of just "how good of friends they really are". Often it is just a case of just "how different poly is". There are lots of really good people in my old community that I don't associate with anymore..partly because they don't understand "who I have become" and partly because I don't feel comfortable in environments where the woman I love is often judged.

So you end up between worlds..not fully in mono or poly circles. I'm comfortable there. The question is can you be comfortable there or will you fight to get them to understand you are the same person you always were and are not weak, a fool, being used, settling or otherwise unhealthy with the man you love?
 
This is great info.....

but it is in essence things that I feel any healthy poly person/relationship would be aware of. There is no pro with out con. But who focuses on the negative to have a positive outcome? I know there are some who are naturally negative nancy's but not many go into a car thinking I'm going to crash right? I'll do preventative things such as a seat belt as a relationship should protect themselves form the negative....Best thing you can do with this info is use it to your advantage by being aware of the cons....

Just my 2 cents....
Spread the love....PT
 
To MonoVCPHG - It is because of people like you that I can find some comfort here. Thank you!

I love my bf more than words can express and he may love me more! Although poly is new to me, I do not (yet?) feel jealous, unloved, not special, replaced, or unwanted. I do, however, feel like I’m in hiding. That being said, I would not trade my poly man for anyone. He is smart, funny, kind, considerate, thoughtful, good looking, and sexy. I want him to know that although I would not choose a poly life for me, I am more than happy to allow him the freedom to have a poly life for himself. Everyone has different needs and wants in life. I am sure that if I were truly unhappy with him living poly he would try extra hard to be mono with me. But I won’t ask that of him because I know that he would feel unhappy and unfulfilled. I get what I need and want from our relationship, and that’s what matters to me. Our happiness is paramount and this is what we need to both be happy.
 
Here, I'm responding to the entire post which begins with...:

A lot of these problems, as she admits, are actually problems with the social machinery of enforced monogamy. ....

First, let me admit that I read this post before reading the article, which I shall do momentarily.

I emphatically agree with all points! Well said!

Now, let me read the article. I'll let y'all know if it changes my mind.
 
Yeah... maybe it got away from me a little there.

Well, when I said I agreed with all points, I meant the substantive ones. And, yes, there do appear to be exceptions to the ... not rule, but general human tendency (especially common among men!).

======== EDIT ============

Okay, now I've read the article. I remain in agreement with Ready2Fly's salient points.
 
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Well, when I said I agreed with all points, I meant the substantive ones. And, yes, there do appear to be exceptions to the ... not rule, but general human tendency (especially common among men!).

======== EDIT ============

Okay, now I've read the article. I remain in agreement with Ready2Fly's salient points.

Yay! ;) I did overstep a little in saying that poly tendencies were present in absolutely everyone; I specifically remember a National Geographic article recently about a tribe of hunter-gatherers in which the sexual relationships were fluid and varied continuously, except for this one couple who had been monogamously pair-bonded for 30 years or so. So to each their own.

Perhaps some of those folks are right here in this thread (hi! :) ), but I suspect that most people who identify as monogamous in western culture identify that way due to cultural rather than biological influence. Not that it really matters that much.

Kat, I hope that you're not feeling these feelings of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment yourself that you're trying to save your guy from. Hopefully no one ever has to feel those things and you find happiness with your mono/poly choices.
 
Ready2Fly,
This is all still so very new for me (us?). It’s been 19 days since bf’s announcement to me. I’m not sure how I feel exactly. I am trying extra hard to be “ok” with our new poly arrangement. So far nothing feels different. I meet new gf once. We’ve talked on the phone. She’s poly, like bf, and is looking for a non-primary relationship. I like her a lot. She’s “good people”.
 
Kat, I do hope you read the plethera of really good threads and post that other mono's like you have written before you... do a search and look for "mono/poly" and "mono poly" to see what there is, I have been tagging them that way for quite a while now.

Mono rocks! no doubt about it ;)
 
Redpepper – You are super awesome! Thanks for the suggestion. I have already been all over ever thread I could find looking for monos and have found tons of great reads. :D

I’m desperately hoping to find a local "mono in a poly" friend to hang with. My new online buddies are great and I love y’all much, but I am aching for a face-to-face friend to go through this new chapter in my life with.
 
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