"Happy" Valentine's Day? Sigh.

RockerChick

New member
As a reminder, I'm still new at this, so ...

Of course, it's V-Day. I'm not much for celebrating Hallmark Holidays, and my primary hubby, Danny, and my bf, Michael, know this. And since this poly thing is so new to all of us, I agreed with Danny to stay home with him this evening (and not see Michael) so he doesn't feel abandoned on this stupid holiday (he's been dealing with some major abandonment issues).

However, my bf is having a very hard time today because he'll be alone tonight when he gets home from work. I ache to see him, but I have no desire to cause pain to Danny, and the reason I agreed to staying home was to help Danny while he's adjusting to my polyamory (and Michael has agreed that this is a good idea). The problem is that not seeing each other is becoming more painful by the day for Michael and me and, really, more so for MIchael because he lives alone.

This started with all three of us hanging out together regularly, and it was great at first. It's always been a "V" with me and the two men, and splitting time was easy at first. Now, Danny is having emotional trouble because he sees that Michael and I have become very attached to each other, and Michael and I have agreed to slow and down and allow Danny time to adjust. The problem is that, in the meantime, Michael and I are feeling some very real pain of separation, Michael more so than I because of living alone.

I know I need to continue to be patient if this is ever going to work. We've all talked of cohabitating at some point, but that will be some time away yet before that can work financially. For now, though, I'm very concerned about Michael. I want to reach out to comfort him, yet I can't do so at this time without hurting Danny. It seems there is no easy solution right now.

Anyway, thanks for giving me a place to share this. Sometimes I wish I wasn't polyamorous. :(
 
There's a member here who uses the phrase First World Problems.

I don't mean to be cruel, but he's an adult. He agreed to a relationship with a married woman. There are far worse things than spending Valentine's Day alone.
 
Are Danny's feelings really so strong that he couldn't handle you taking 5 minutes out to call Michael and brighten up his evening? Would that really make him feel abandoned?

That said, I gotta agree at least a little with the last poster -- someone dating a person in a primary relationship should pretty much expect not to see that person on V-day. I mean, you can only be in one place at a time, and like it or not, most people define "romantic evening" as "just the two of us". Can you guys have a special day this weekend, or next week?
 
He agreed to a relationship with a married woman.

On its face, I agree with this. Since it sounds like these two men have a distinct ranking, the secondary is just going to have to suck it up or make adjustments if he is not ok with being ranked as a secondary priority.

If you treat these to people as independent adults then they both sound like they need to work on their dependency issues. The fact that you can only be in one place at a time is irrelevant, what is most relevant is that you are not personally responsible for the happiness of either of these fellows. I'm sure you *do* make them happy at times, but that is not (or shouldn't be) because it's your job.
 
I kinda have to go with WH here. So many people are miserable and single and today just reminds them how single they are. Both of your guys have you in their lives. Sure, they would both like that to look a little differently... but all things considered, they're not doing too bad.

There are a number of bars in my city having anti-Valentines parties.

Really, it's just another day. You said it first: it's a Hallmark Holiday. People celebrate their love 365 days a year. But today, they celebrate it with cards and candy.

I specifically told both my partners that I didn't want to do anything special this year - no cards, presents, dinners, or anything. On a whim this morning, I did send them a "Happy Valentine's Day" text. I copied the same message from one and forwarded it to the other, that's how much of a big deal I made about it :p

It could be worse. My husband is spending the day flying from Prince George to Edmonton, via Vancouver, and then driving the rest of the way to Saskatoon. My girlfriend is working late and then has to get ready for her drag show this weekend. So no big romance on my front either. But so what? We celebrate our love every time we get together. Hallmark can go fuck itself :p
 
Valentine's Day...

560136_490064801029262_302468452_n.jpg
 
Because polyamory is new to you guys, you need to be really sensitive to Danny's needs now. He's trying to accomodate another lover for his wife, and this takes a lot of trust, time, commitment, and communication. I'm in the position that Danny is in now, so I totally relate to him. He needs to KNOW he is the primary. For now, in his mind, that means he wants the holidays with you. That's not to say things won't change down the road if he gets more comfortable with this new relationship dynamic and you and Danny are in a good place and he's having all his needs met.

I'm with the above posters. Michael knew what he was getting into with a married woman. He should EXPECT the primary to want to spend the holidays with his wife, ESPECIALLY Valentine's Day, which is marketed as a holiday for that "one" special someone in your life. I'm not saying that's fair or that's what Michael or you want, but that is Danny's take on things, and you need to let him adjust to polyamory at his pace.
 
Maybe this is a good chance to reject Valentines day entirely? :)

I loathe the whole concept of it. I found it easier to deal with when I was single - because nobody expected me to do anything with it. Now I sometimes get asked if my SO and I are doing anything for it - not usually more than once by the same person, though. :p

Yesterday, I sent a happy valentines message to a lovely friend of mine because I know she's into it and is single and not happy about being so right now. I sent another one to my friends who are married to each other (they got together on a big group valentines night out 21 years ago - with some help from the whole group :D ).

I took C for a walk in the countryside, ate dinner, spoke to my SO on the phone (as we do daily) and went to bed.

Thankfully my SO feels the same way as I do about Valentines day so we don't exchange cards or talk about it - other than to express annoyance about the whole thing.

I say ditch the whole thing - it's way less stressful than putting a whole lot of expectation and pressure on a single day.
 
Maybe this is a good chance to reject Valentines day entirely? :)

I loathe the whole concept of it. I found it easier to deal with when I was single - because nobody expected me to do anything with it. Now I sometimes get asked if my SO and I are doing anything for it - not usually more than once by the same person, though. :p

Yesterday, I sent a happy valentines message to a lovely friend of mine because I know she's into it and is single and not happy about being so right now. I sent another one to my friends who are married to each other (they got together on a big group valentines night out 21 years ago - with some help from the whole group :D ).

I took C for a walk in the countryside, ate dinner, spoke to my SO on the phone (as we do daily) and went to bed.

Thankfully my SO feels the same way as I do about Valentines day so we don't exchange cards or talk about it - other than to express annoyance about the whole thing.

I say ditch the whole thing - it's way less stressful than putting a whole lot of expectation and pressure on a single day.
This, so much this so HARD!
 
Valentine's Anecdote...

So I got home from school yesterday, husband was already home from his work trip, gabbing on the phone because that's what he loves to do. When he finally gets off, he's like "So, you said not to get you anything for Valentine's, right?" Me: "Yeah." Him: "K. Cuz I didn't." Me: "Uhh, ok. So?" Him: "Well, I told that to Rae [his daughter] and she said 'It's a test! You'd better get her something, Dad!' but I was pretty sure you said not to, so I didn't." Me: "Yeah, that's fine." Him: "Ok good. Because you SAID don't get you anything, so I didn't."

Poor guy. Are some women really like that? Yech. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Men have a hard enough figuring out the female brain without adding all those bullshit complications.
 
Frankly, with everyone having so much anxiety about holidays at the end of last year, I sort of thought there would be more threads like this.

My VD was just fine. Today, however, brought an interesting conversation with CBF (broke up with him on New Year's day, and we just ended our no-contact). Valentines came up and he was talking about how he thought about doing something for me, and then thought about that we did, ahem, break up, and then said he'd thought about getting me a card. I told him I was really glad he didn't. All the years we were together, all I wanted was a card. I pleaded, I explained, I cajoled. The first year, I got nothing. The second year, I got a cheap stuffed dog with a rose in it's mouth. Two years ago, I got the most stunning flowers I'd ever received. Last year I got a sapphire necklace (or maybe that was three and two years ago ~ I don't tell time very well). The point is, he improved.

So I told him that if he had, in fact, gotten me a card, AFTER we broke up, I would have been very angry. So I was really grateful to have no acknowledgement of it between us.
 
So I got home from school yesterday, husband was already home from his work trip, gabbing on the phone because that's what he loves to do. When he finally gets off, he's like "So, you said not to get you anything for Valentine's, right?" Me: "Yeah." Him: "K. Cuz I didn't." Me: "Uhh, ok. So?" Him: "Well, I told that to Rae [his daughter] and she said 'It's a test! You'd better get her something, Dad!' but I was pretty sure you said not to, so I didn't." Me: "Yeah, that's fine." Him: "Ok good. Because you SAID don't get you anything, so I didn't."

lol. The very first year I was with my SO, somebody asked me if he was getting me a card and taking me out. I told them how much I loathe valentines day - the whole idea of choosing one person over all others and making a day about them annoys me - and said that he and I would not be seeing each other that day.

They replied with "So - if he really doesn't get you a card, will you be upset?"

It took about 5 mins of conversation for me to convince them that I wasn't joking or playing games with my SO - and that I would be quite annoyed with him if he did buy a card or a present for valentines day.

IP
 
Ha, my brother and sister-in-law were just the opposite. On some recent holiday where they agreed not to get gifts for each other, he got a gift for her, and was hurt that she didn't get a gift for him. He even admitted then that he had agreed to the no-gift-giving thing. But he was still all upset about it.

So guys are guilty of it too, not just gals. Who knew.
 
I actually had the best Vday ever this year! It's also DH's bday and so we really don't do stuff much on the actual day. Shortest month of the year has my bday, DH's bday, our wedding anniversary, and DC's bday. Busy month! So we rarely pin down a specific day. Well DH took two days off, the kids had Fri. off too. So on his bday, no kids, I got up early to take them in, let him sleep in. Once he was up I had changed into something a little lacy and red and put on an apron, making him a lovely omelet for breakfast. We watched a show together just us, we had some private time, then went out and ate at the mall food court. (I could have my japanese and he could have pizza!) We window shopped, then picked up the kids. Spent the evening relaxing, private time, and getting DH a few things. Even upgraded his phone to a smart phone for him to geek out and play with! During the day I texted DC a couple of times to wish him a happy Vday and tell him I loved him. The next day, kids home, we went out that morning to run errands and had breakfast just the two of us and talked and had fun. He went to work out while the kids and I picked up their friend for a sleepover and they just HAD to get DH an icecream birthday cake. Stopped by the mall, got some jewelry on sale for the girls for Vday and the middle one and I each split a pair of earrings and got our right ear pierced up high. Then it was home, some sugar, some tv, some private time again and some sleep!

All in all it was about pampering DH and making sure he had a good bday this year and we all had a great time! Oh and DC was not feeling at all rejected as he was hoping we'd spend time together for DH's bday and he and I have chatted and texted the last few days. He doesn't really celebrate Vday anyway and when I say you don't have to get me anything, I mean it! So it was nice!
 
Hey Rocker :)

So, I went through your old posts to try and figure out a few things. Have you and Michael only been dating since around December?

I guess, the Valentine's thing aside, I'm looking a bit beyond the actual question and wondering what else might be going on. I know you said that Danny had an attraction towards Michael? Has that passed now? Or is it doubly hard for him because he's battling envy *and* jealousy?

If it has only been a few months since you started dating, how fast have you moved? How often have you been seeing Michael? Could it all be a little too fast to reasonably expect Danny to get on board with it? Are you being considerate, patient, supportive, reassuring and loving? Are you ensuring that NRE isn't getting the better of you?

On the other hand, is Danny owning his own issues? When he feels something, can he work out why and come to you for support, rather than a 'fix'?

Finally, something really struck me as the bottom line of all this.

I choose to follow a hierarchical model of poly - nobody is forcing me to do that. For me, it means that I will always put my primary first, because that is what primary means - primary partner, priority person, person I want to be with for the rest of my life, person that means the most to me. That doesn't mean I'm a slave to my primary's every whim - but it does mean that if I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, I try to think about what will be the best course of action for our future, rather than what I want in the moment.

I do agree that if Michael has chosen to get involved with you, not as a joint primary, but as a secondary, it is going to come with some realistic boundaries and maybe even pitfalls from his perspective. Did you, Danny and Michael ever agree on a dating schedule, or did you sort of drift into seeing Michael as much as you wanted to?

Being the V is hard, so I've been told.... ~grins~ My GF tells me all the time. It's a massive balancing act, for sure. But you can't be responsible for anyone else's feelings - you can only control the way you behave and the way you outline your own expectations.

Anecdote-wise... I am a joint primary to my GF. Her husband is the other primary. She sleeps in their bed most of the time. We agreed pretty early on that she would spend the night with him on Valentine's Day, his birthday, her birthday, Christmas, etc. Those things don't matter to me. I also don't mind if she only spends two nights a week in my bed. I like sleeping with the cats and dogs anyway... ;) At first, her husband was so upset about her sleeping in my room that he would pace around the house at 4am, coughing and making us aware of his distress. It took about 6 months, but he seems to sleep soundly now. We took it slow, but kept it balanced by making intentions and expectations clear. Perhaps you could have that kind of talk with your guys, if you haven't already? i.e. discuss realistic, measurable scheduling and plans for *how* slow you need to go for Danny? Then outlining and discussing these with Michael?
 
Back
Top