I'm feeling kinda sad lately. I think it's due to many things, but included in that is my upcoming date with Leo. Its still a rollercoaster of emotions around choosing to keep control of how much depth I create with him, so as to not be indulgent in my need to show physical attention toward him, around his request to only meet once a month and me wanting more, around his swinging, in terms of his expression of caring and love for others that I am not part of; even if it's sport for him, not love. *breathe* This list of confusion and sadness continues.
He is good. Mono is good. Leo's wife is good, as she doesn't have to deal with his physically loving another. Everyone is good with this situation but me. If I were to approach changing it to be better for me, it would mean discomfort for everyone else. Again with the giving giving giving and not feeling I receive in return, except that it all makes everyone else happy. *Sigh*
Its okay. It's a monthly thing. At least I don't have to deal with this on an ongoing basis, as he only wants to see me once a month.
I got a lovely letter from Derby this week, which made me smile. I don't think I have ever received a hand-written, "You're awesome" letter before.
(Plenty of hate mail, even one that resulted in the person taking me to court.)
I soaked in what she wrote. There were bits and pieces in there about not enough time, etc. But I don't let any of that take hold. I am not missing out. I think she is, more than me. Perhaps another partner who is more available? There was other stuff too, but the big thing was the words of affirmation that I need so much. I thrive on that and don't often get it. I feel loved that way. It's definitely my love language.
Words of affirmation... Hmm... I hadn't really realized how important it is to me to be acknowledged for what I do and who I am. It's really big for me. How does one ask for that? Why do I feel that others have a scarcity view on this with me? Why do I not receive words of affirmation and gratitude and appreciation for who I am more often? What can I do create abundance in this area of my life? I will think on that some.
I know it causes distress for me when I am ignored and am not included. Is that related somehow? I have developed some great skills in dealing with that, in terms of pulling back and going in a different direction, compared to the past, where I would whine and complain about it. I wonder if words of affirmation are part of that?
Just questioning my "self."