Not supposed to compare ourselves, but...

Vexxed, if you "said that judging a man by his sense of humor is shallow and unfair" (which you just did do), I would say "just because you say something doesn't make it so" (which I just did do). A sense of humor is something about who a person is that cannot be taken away from them very easily. Looks, money, and life-trappings are not part of who someone is - those things can be taken away and a person will still have whatever it is inside them that makes them who they are. For example, if you lost everything in a flood, you would still be you, you would not be the things you lost in the flood. If you disagree with that, therein lies the root of your problem.

I am attracted to people whose sense of humor is similar to my own. I supposed that is a form of "judging" someone. I do not agree that "judging" is a bad thing always. It's something people do all the time without realizing it. Whether one prefers chocolate or vanilla ice cream is a form of "judgment". If I'm attracted to one person but not another even though they both make the same amount of money and are the same height and have the same sexual resume, I'm "judging" them. It does not follow that the person I am less attracted to is less of a human being or less worthy of love and appreciation in their own right.

In their OWN right. I also find self-esteem very attractive.

So you're right, people are constantly judging each other over a variety of things. That doesn't mean that just because someone has more than one partner that when they're with one partner, they're thinking about how much better the other partners are at sex.
 
Last edited:
YGirl, thanks for replying again.

Ah, that oh so valuable sense of humor. I fall short in that area. That frustrates me.

Really, can I change my personality? When I think that I'll have to change my personality in order to be more attractive I feel frustrated. I want to rebel. You yourself said that a personality isn't superficial because it is not easily lost.

I do have insecurities. I'd rather make improvements in some of those areas rather than change my perception of those insecurities. Though, I'll probably never be a funny or very talkative guy. Argh! It's a heavy weight to bear.
 
NO one said "change your personality". No one said "you must have a sense of humor". I answered some things about why I find certain personality characteristics attractive. I'm not writing a manual on how you ought to be able to "fix things" about yourself.

What we have been saying is that OTHER PEOPLE CANNOT MAKE YOU LIKE YOURSELF.

You have a very low self-esteem, brother-man (as Fidelia would put it). Nothing we can say to you is going to MAKE YOU CHANGE THAT.

Soon, I am going to start charging you for all this advice, because I think people have been saying the same things to you, and you keep coming back with "But I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I want to be someone else!"

Maybe you should just continue being miserable. At least that's something you seem to have a talent for. Why mess up a good thing.
 
Last edited:
Women find certain things to be attractive. I think that my feelings are justifiable.

Have you ever had a metamour that exceeded you in 7 out of 10 ways?
 
Women find certain things to be attractive. I think that my feelings are justifiable.

Have you ever had a metamour that exceeded you in 7 out of 10 ways?

I can't believe what I'm reading. You actually make up checklists like that.

Wow.

And the generalization about "women" and how we "find certain things to be attractive". Well, you sure got yourself nicely set up for failure. I give you that much credit.

Holey baloney.

You need not one, but several, whacks upside the head with a proverbial clue-by-four.

Goodbye, I won't be visiting this thread anymore. I'd say "have a nice life" but I'm sure you have 7 out of 10 reasons why that is not going to be possible for you.
 
I haven't literally counted. I just wanted to put things in perspective. Using "8 out of 10" as an example would have worked just as well.
 
vexxed-

the example is arbitrary-it's that you MADE it that points to your refusal to TRY.

The difference between confident/secure people and
insecure/fearful people,

is that confident people focus on the positive things, all day, every day and in doing so they improve upon those things and bring happiness and joy to their lives as well as improving their sense of confidence and security.

Insecure/fearful people do the SAME amount of work-only they are focused on the negative things all day, every day and in doing so they improve upon sucking at life and bring misery and defeat to their lives as well as improving their sense of hopelessness and disappointment...

another point-

Happy people recognize that there will be times in their lives that are miserable.

Miserable people believe that in order to be happy they need to never experience misery.


You get what you focus on.

Thus-you get what you "want" because YOU alone can change your focus-so whatever you CHOOSE to focus on, must be what you want..
 
OK, Vexxed, here's an exercise for you:
What are you good at? What are your strengths as a person?
 
After replying here this morning, I left to go to work. On the way I decided to go to a poly friendly counselling center. I talked to a counselor for 30 minutes, and scheduled a 1 hr session for Wednesday night. The counselor has been knowing the people in my circle longer than I have. I didn't want to spend the money, but I gave in. My relationship with her is more important than the money that I have saved.

OK, Vexxed, here's an exercise for you:
What are you good at? What are your strengths as a person?

- I'm good at riding horses. I can take a wild horse, break him, and bring him along till he will have a good handle on him and rein quite well.
- I can ride a horse and rope a steer quick and consistently (its been a while, I'm a city boy now).
- I can run really fast.
- I am knowledgeable about weightlifting and fitness.
- I have an above average understanding of nutrition.
- I can gather information thoroughly for topics that I research.
- I am knowledgeable about organic gardening and alternative farming methods.
- I can organize and clean well.
- I care about other people's feelings. I'm respectful.
- I have money management skills.
- I can operate machinery and tow trailers.
- I try to be romantic. She's complimented me about being romantic.
- I can read prints, fit pipe, and prepare it for a welder.
- I'm confident that I could design and build a simple, small, "green" home.

I was more confident in life when I was involved with horse because I excelled at it, and was respected in our social circle. I'm not longer involved with horses other than riding a couple of times a year. I can't afford to go back to it.
 
Last edited:
AND........

When do you feel the happiest - most in-sync with yourself. (not others)

When you are alone - what thoughts occupy your mind?

I feel happiest and most in-sync with myself when I get things done, like running errands, exercising, and organizing my belongings. I feel happiest when I make progress and have completed something. I have trouble completing things, so when I do, it makes me happy.

1. Lately, when I'm alone, most of my thoughts have been about my relationship with her. I think about what I will need to do, or what I will need to be like the next time that I'm with her. I think about the things that I said on our last date that may have shown a hint of insecurity. I also think about the things that I can work on, such as my conversation skills, organizing my room, and continuing to build/maintain an impressive physique (she compliments me about my build).

2. If I'm not thinking about her, I'm contemplating whether or not I'll trying to earn a living by growing organic fruits, vegetables, herbs, and berries. That became my career goal in 2006. I've saved money, and worked on a real organic farm for experience. While working there, I also became disappointed.

3. I sometimes think about tiny homes, simple living, using bicycles for transportation, and environmental issues.

4. I also sometimes think about my friends & family, but only for brief periods of time.

So, I think about her, my career, my living situation, and environmental/economic/social justice issues.
 
I feel happiest and most in-sync with myself when I get things done, like running errands, exercising, and organizing my belongings. I feel happiest when I make progress and have completed something. I have trouble completing things, so when I do, it makes me happy.

1. Lately, when I'm alone, most of my thoughts have been about my relationship with her. I think about what I will need to do, or what I will need to be like the next time that I'm with her. I think about the things that I said on our last date that may have shown a hint of insecurity. I also think about the things that I can work on, such as my conversation skills, organizing my room, and continuing to build/maintain an impressive physique (she compliments me about my build).

2. If I'm not thinking about her, I'm contemplating whether or not I'll trying to earn a living by growing organic fruits, vegetables, herbs, and berries. That became my career goal in 2006. I've saved money, and worked on a real organic farm for experience. While working there, I also became disappointed.

3. I sometimes think about tiny homes, simple living, using bicycles for transportation, and environmental issues.

4. I also sometimes think about my friends & family, but only for brief periods of time.

So, I think about her, my career, my living situation, and environmental/economic/social justice issues.

Well there !
Wow - there's a LOT of admirable stuff going on there. Undoubtedly much of that is part of what she finds attractive.

Imagine how life might unfold for you if you just kept focused on these things, improving your skills and knowledge and IMPLEMENTING them !
The "getting things done" part you mention. Makes us feel better for sure.
Try to be the best at what we are good at. When we do - the "right" people notice. Things work out in unexpected ways.

GS
 
I do not agree that "judging" is a bad thing always. It's something people do all the time without realizing it.
So you're right, people are constantly judging each other over a variety of things.

Judging is a necessary part of functioning in society, and we all do it every time we meet someone or just pass them on the street. Judgements aren't always negative. We all judged our partners before we started dating them, or else we'd be dating everyone we'd ever met!

You need not one, but several, whacks upside the head with a proverbial clue-by-four.

uhh gee, way to be positive and affirming. If she's been dealing with attitudes like this all her life, no wonder he's got low self-esteem!

Hon, ignore stupid shit like this. And if anyone in your life regularly says stupid shit like this, get rid of them. Seriously, no one needs that crap. If this is how the good, help-seeking people that come here are being treated, maybe it's no wonder some of them are being driven away?

Not to mention, people who resort to put-downs tend to be those with the lowest self-esteem. My mother-in-law was like that. It didn't even surprise me the time that she actually said, "well if I can't be in a good mood, why should anyone else be?" as an explanation of how why she treated people so poorly.
 
Last edited:
uhh gee, way to be positive and affirming. If she's been dealing with attitudes like this all her life, no wonder she's got low self-esteem!

[Vexxed, I apologize for this quasi-hijack and the fact that I am about to refer to you in the third person for the remainder of this post.]

As I pointed out to you in that PM you sent me scolding me about my previous post, the OP is a man. Not that it makes any difference because men can have low self esteem too, obviously. If he said anything positive worth affirming, which he did, people would have affirmed that, which we did. Examples can be found throughout the thread, if one were to _read_ what has been written.

Perhaps the "clue-by-four" remark was a bit harsh, but it's too late to take it back now that it has been quoted. However, see my earlier posts in this thread and it should be obvious that this comment was made in exasperation after the OP repeatedly dismissed good advice and encouragement not just from myself, but from every other person who has tried to help. I don't think that anything anyone here can say to the OP will make a difference because I think he enjoys making himself miserable, and that's fine. He doesn't appear to be making his girlfriend miserable, so more power to them both. It seems to be working out for everyone so why change the dynamic?

Just quit whining about it.
 
Last edited:
Perhaps the "clue-by-four" remark was a bit harsh, but it's too late to take it back now that it has been quoted. However, see my earlier posts in this thread and it should be obvious that this comment was made in exasperation after the OP repeatedly dismissed good advice and encouragement not just from myself, but from every other person who has tried to help. I don't think that anything anyone here can say to the OP will make a difference because I think he enjoys making himself miserable, and that's fine.

Yep. The OP can get advice left and right but until certain basic mindsets are changed (such as "I know what attracts women" - I don't think he even understands his own misogyny with that mindset), none of it will even register, since he's pretty much made up his mind about the whole thing.

That's why I stopped bothering to post on this thread a while back. Anything else just feels like enabling dysfunction.
 
I did have a 1 hr counselling session with a counselor (M.A. degree) who is poly. It felt good to talk to him and express my feelings. It also felt good to do it because I was taking action. None of my core beliefs have changed though. I continue to fake it till I make it.

Interactions between her and I are going along just fine, but I feel stressed.
 
I did have a 1 hr counselling session with a counselor (M.A. degree) who is poly. It felt good to talk to him and express my feelings. It also felt good to do it because I was taking action.
I am glad you are doing this - I feel that it's your best way forward. While you keep focusing on your negatives and how you don't measure up you're going to struggle, I think. I think that working with a professional is going to give you a lot mroe than an online forum can.

I wish you luck on your journey.
 
Months have passed. I had at least 6 more bouts of insecurity, but each one was smaller than the previous one. I'm not where I used to be, regarding insecurity, but I'm still feeling pain.

I thought about starting a new thread, but instead I decided that I would just update this one. She will be spending 4 nights with her other boyfriend (whom I live with) starting tomorrow night. She has been out of town with her husband for a month.

I'm feeling fearful insecurity. I'm not as insecure about as many things that I described at the beginning of this thread.

The two beast that I still fight:

a) Her other boyfriend is more entertaining than me.

b) He is more sexually satisfying for her. (I feel both compersion and insecurity about this issue)

I'm going to feel a ton of anxiety during the next 4 days and nights.
 
Back
Top