Redpepper's journey

It's interesting, RP, that you've chosen two introverts as life partners, when you yourself are so extroverted. Have you asked yourself why you did that? I know you love both of them very much, but I've heard you complain about your frustration around this, especially with PN, so much.
 
Yes, I have wondered that. There is some envy of their hermitous ways. (I made that word up :D). I have a long way to go to become more of the hermit and introvert that I envy being. First step, practicing being alone.

I would like to achieve a balance somehow.

PN does frustrate me around his hermitous ways, as he complains that he has no friends. He has relied on me to bring his social life to him. At a time when I am removing myself more from being with others all the time, he finds this difficult.

He was complaining last night that he feels lonely. I immediately take that on as my fault. I told him that perhaps he should search for a woman or man that likes to be home with him. But I don't think that is it, as he doesn't really hang out with me while we are at home, either. At least not all snuggly on the couch. He isn't in to that. He sits up after a couple of minutes and wants his side of the couch.

I asked him if he'd prefer for me to stay home instead of going to Mono's birthday party. PN had been gone all day on a mushroom foray and we hadn't seen him all day. He said no, but I wonder if he would've preferred I stay home.

I fear that my frustration is going to become worse before it gets better, actually, as I go through the process of becoming more "in my room." It's a bit of a metaphor, isn't it? As I take on my own life and let go of things like unfinished bathrooms that I have no control of, as it's not mine to control, I am essentially leaving PN to his own defenses and he has no choice but to go with it. So much guilt there, but it is so necessary for me to grow into something different, because it hasn't been working.

I just carry on, Magdlyn. I don't really know what to do with that one. I am just waiting to see where it goes. If you or anyone have thoughts, I am open to a conversation or more questions.
 
PN does frustrate me around his hermitous ways, as he complains that he has no friends. He has relied on me to bring his social life to him. At a time when I am removing myself more from being with others all the time, he finds this difficult.

He was complaining last night that he feels lonely. I immediately take that on as my fault. I told him that perhaps he should search for a woman or man that likes to be home with him. But I don't think that is it, as he doesn't really hang out with me while we are at home, either. At least not all snuggly on the couch. He isn't into that. He sits up after a couple of minutes and wants his side of the couch.

PN and I should talk. We are a lot alike.

I realized just recently that I had been involved with the same people for 10-15 years, but didn't really feel like they were my friends, for a lot of reasons. I have been doing a lot of things recently to fix my need for friends that are separate from my husband's friends. It's a slow process, but it did require an attitude change on my part and stepping outside my comfort zone more often.

I asked him if he prefer I stay home instead of going to Mono's birthday party. PN had been gone all day on a mushroom foray and we hadn't seen him all day. He said no, but I wonder if he would've preferred I stay home.

I doubt that he wanted you to stay home. First, it would make him feel guilty, toward both you and Mono. (A birthday party is a big thing.) Second, if he was out all day, he probably needed time alone to decompress, and going out again would've just made him grumpy.

The truth is, he does this to himself. Most of the time, is probably grateful that you have someone else to do things with, so he doesn't have to. However, it does catch up to us every once in a while.

As far as cuddling, just sit close enough to touch him, hold his hand, touch his legs with your feet, etc. I'm the non-cuddly person als., I get too hot, too uncomfortable or just can't sit still for that long. The simple touches will convey the same message, that you are there for him, not because there is nothing else to do. Save the cuddling toward the end of the movie (or such), just before you want to take him off to bed. ;)
 
Hi there Red,

I've been catching up on some of what I've missed here on your blog. Boy, it sure sounds like you're going through some STUFF! Good and not-so-great.

There are a couple of things I wanted to comment on:
I'm so sick of not having the money to do simple things that bring me joy. It drives me crazy some days. The thing is that on the outside I appear to have as much as other people in my life when it comes to house, car, money to buy good food and some other small items, but that is where the outside look ends. The truth is that we have nothing more to spend on
Now THIS, Sister Woman, is something that I know a little something about! You might say I've done advanced studies at the School of Enough. And I eventually learned this: as long as I was looking out at the world to see if I had enough, there is no such thing. Seriously. It's so easy to find someone around you that has a bigger house, faster car, shinier hair, fancier whatsit. But when I finally stopped looking out and took stock of what I really need and want, and what I already have, WOW! It turns out I already have an embarrassment of riches! More than enough, and plenty to share. Your mileage may vary, of course, but I suspect the same is true for you. I hope you find that to be the case. :)

I went to a meeting today to be a human book at the university library next week. It was so interesting to here other peoples stories and what kind of "book" they are. We will be made available for two days where anyone can sign us out and talk to us for awhile on the topic of our lives.
Okay, that is entirely too freakin' cool!

I'm sitting in the back of my parents vehicle having just been told not a half hour ago by my dad that I am getting fat again. What is that shit?!
WTF?! :mad: Aw HELL NO! That is so uncool! You do NOT deserve that. My mother used to run that kind of game on me, until I grew up enough to defend myself.

I told him that it is never okay for him to mention my weight and asked him to consider his words before talking to me about such things.
You were MUCH kinder with your dad than I was with my mom. Of course the mother-daughter dynamic is so different.

Thanks for continuing to share who you are and where you're at now. I have so much respect for you: your honesty and enthusiasm, your courage and compassion. There is so much about you that I admire. I just wanted to say so.
 
Whaaaat? The parents are still commenting on the weight?? Mine do too, and before it used to bug me more, until I sort of reframed it into it meaning they are caring about me and that is one of their ways. Pretty much every time I come visit, they would ask whether I've been lately to yoga or swimming or dancing etc.

I just received a letter from my grandparents (snail mail from Ukraine) and they told me that I should send them a picture when I get skinnier. My first response was: what no pictures until then? Okay. But I don't think that's the way to go and it's not the battle I'm willing to fight.

On another note, my parents are quite the opposite in terms of socializing. Back in Russia, it was more even. They had their group of friends, socialized (more separate than together). But once we moved, my mom was much more outgoing than my dad. And my dad started slowly going into his shell. And now, if he had his way, he wouldn't go and do things at all. So my mom pushes him. Sometimes they are almost fighting. But the craziest part is, once he is out of the house and at whatever place they were going to, he absolutely loves it and says he was such a dumbass for not wanting to go. So now my mom always reminds him, and sometimes it even works.

Not much on the advice part, but just sharing the experiences. :)
 
I realized just recently that I had been involved with the same people for 10-15 years but didn't really feel like they were my friends, for a lot of reasons. I have been doing a lot of things recently to fix my need for friends that are seperate from my husband's friends. It's a slow process, but it did require an attitude change on my part and stepping outside my comfort zone more often.

This is exactly what he is going through! Thanks. At least I know it's something that happens for others. He suddenly realized that he relied entirely on his high school buddies for friendship throughout a lifetime, but the fact of the matter is that they have moved on because they are different than him and because he never wanted to see them because he didn't like their activities when they came to town (get drunk and throw up at pizza shops). He is nostalgic for the good old days, but that is about it, where they are concerned.

Tonight we went to a potluck for the mycological society and I met one of his friends there that had the dinner. I was content to sit back and talk with people I have never met before from a completely different lifestyle than me and was happy to see him strengthening his friendship, even though he was nervous and awkward and I could tell wanted to run away. :rolleyes:

As far as cuddling, just sit close enough to touch him, hold his hand, touch his legs with your feet, etc. I'm the non-cuddly person also, I get too hot, too uncomfortable or just can't sit still for that long. The simple touches will convey the same message, that you are there for him, not because there is nothing else to do. Save the cuddling toward the end of the movie (or such), just before you want to take him off to bed ;).

Ha ha. More like he takes me off to bed and then I get up, because he goes to bed at 9 and I at 1. Yes, just sitting together seems to be enough for him or my just chatting while we fold laundry or do dishes. It doesn't take much really, just some moments of philosophizing. His favorite pastime.
 
WTF?! :mad: Aw HELL NO! That is so uncool! You do NOT deserve that. My mother used to run that kind of game on me, until I grew up enough to defend myself.

You were MUCH kinder with your dad than I was with my mom. Of course the mother-daughter dynamic is so different.

I have tried the blowing up route, but that is followed by, "Oh stop being so dramatic. Calm down, you make so much of things." I did say also that I was changing my approach and that I am usually told that, so I was trying a different route. It actually seemed to work briefly and my mother followed my lead, until she told him he should stop telling me what to do. And I said, "Well, you tell him what to do also." We had both used "you" statements and it all went downhill from there, until there was silence. I pointed out our process to get to that and how hurtful it was and how I really needed to work on it and invited them to do the same.

Thanks for continuing to share who you are and where you're at now. I have so much respect for you: your honesty and enthusiasm, your courage and compassion. There is so much about you that I admire. Just wanted to say so. :eek:

You're welcome, Fidelia. You and I have been here a long time. You are always so kind and supportive. I thank you for that. You always have my back and I appreciate it.
 
whaaaat....the parents are still commenting on the weight??
Mine do too and before it used to bug me more, until I sort of re-framed it into it meaning they are caring about me and that is one of their ways. Pretty much every time I come visit, they would ask whether I've been lately to yoga or swimming or dancing etc...
I just received a letter from my grandparents (snail mail from Ukraine) and they told me that I should send them a picture when I get skinnier...my first response was: what no pictures until then? okay. But I don't think that's the way to go and it's not the battle I'm willing to fight.

Wow, thanks, that is a really good point. I need to be more patient and empathetic. My dad, when I told him I find it hard to communicate with him, thought it was because of his stutter. (He stutters badly when he is under stress.) He also said, when I told him that I learned from him what men expect, that he thought his being away so much had meant I hadn't learned anything from him or gotten anything from my childhood from him. :( Sad, and so not true. Oh, my poor old Dad. He is a love. He's 73 and so not aware of anything these days. I will be patient and not take it so personally. Thanks, Myzka.
 
Thanks for everything you did today Lilo :) It feels good to be setting up my stuff in a space I feel I can truly settle into. Thanks for all your suggestions tonight and hanging out during the fights too!

I love you more and know you are just sleeping upstairs all safe and sound...it's nice Bbay :)
 
moving day.

We woke up, Mono and I, to radiant sun shining through his bedroom window. It was warm enough to open it and hear the birds and smell the fall leaves, so colourful. After a night of stormy wind and rain, they covered the playing field outside the window. Beautiful.

It has been one month over a year that he moved there. I remember last year at this time. I followed the seasons through that window. A year of Saturday mornings. The change of the light, higher or lower in the sky. The change of the trees from fall, to winter, to spring, to summer, each as glorious as the last season. The chestnuts are left hanging on the branches and the aspen is still as golden as last year when we arrived.
I remember full moons shining through that window draping us in soft blue moonlight.

Mono got up and made me coffee and breakfast in bed, as usual, but less elaborate due to his empty fridge, all ready for his move. We lay for a second and took it all in. Thinking about the day and what to do. I then decided to entice him to get the move done today. (More to follow.)
 
moving day

I suggested to Mono that maybe he could try relaxing his boundaries around allowing people to help him where his move was concerned and see if PN and the boy wanted to help. It was my opinion that they might want to, in order to feel part of the process and in that way have their own process to go through. Mono was hesitant, but agreed that I could call and see what they were up to for the day.

I called and asked PN if he would come over to help and said that he might find it useful to be part of the move. as he hasn't really been involved much all month, while Mono painted and did some renos. PN said he had to get some things done and that he didn't know what his time looked like. I become easily frustrated with him when he says things like that and launches into what he needs to do. It was stuff like laundry and ironing, lunches and doing some writing for his blog. I said, "Fine, see you later," and decided to put him aside to help Mono. He said, "No, wait a minute. I have to think about it." So I suggested he call back when he had.

I get frustrated, because to me, the things he wanted to do could be done later. He was trading a bonding experience for laundry, etc. He is also much slower than me in everything he does, just about. For me, all that would take a half hour, not a whole day. I quite often decide to carry on without him when it becomes apparent that his values are different than mine. To me, laundry etc. can be dropped and done later if someone needs help or asks me to do something that makes me feel like I have given of myself. He doesn't see it this way and feels inconvenienced from his routine.

He called back and said he could be free at 2. He would do what he needed to do beforehand and would come over then with the boy. We had a discussion for a few minutes about what I mentioned above and how it might be better for us if we just talked about time instead of details around how he uses his time, if it triggers me to get frustrated. He agreed and it was a good conversation that moved us forward. The whole time Mono was saying he wished I had never asked! :D PN and I drive each other crazy with our endless communication and discussions about how to be with one another. (More to follow.)
 
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PN said he had to get some things done and that he didn't know what his time looked like. I become easily frustrated with him when he says things like that and launches into what he needs to do. It was stuff like laundry and ironing, lunches and doing some writing for his blog. I said, "fine, see you later" and decided to put him aside to help Mono. He said, "no wait a minute, I have to think about it." so I suggested he call back when he had.

I get frustrated because to me the things he wanted to do could be done later and that he was trading a bonding experience for laundry etc. He is also much slower than I in everything he does just about and to me all that would take a half hour, not a whole day. I quite often decide to carry on without him when it becomes apparent that his values are different than mine. To me, laundry etc. can be dropped and done later if someone needs help or asks me to do something that makes me feel like I have given of myself. He doesn't see it this way and feels inconvenienced from his routine.

It's not that he wasn't willing to help, it was that it was a surprise and he had already set his mind on the track he was going to take that day and the blinders were already on. Throwing in a change of plans, while not a big deal to you, is a big deal to him. It requires shifting gears and re-structuring your whole thought process for the day. The first answer that comes to mind is NO, but once there has been time to think about it and re-evaluate everything, it's OK.

My husband learned a long time ago (I told him straight out), that I need at least 2 hours lead time to be ok with a change of plans. He used to wait until I got home to tell me we are supposed to go someplace, and about half the time I sent him without me. Other times I was grumpy for a good hour.

Funny thing is, my mom had not figured this out about my dad until I pointed it out. They had been married almost 30 years at that point.
 
What Sneacail said. I also often get locked into a mental plan for my day, and don't shift gears easily. It's getting a little easier, but my first internal reaction to a change is usually negative.

The whole time Mono was saying he wished I had never asked! :D PN and I drive each other crazy with our endless communication and discussions about how to be with one another.

This made me laugh. :)

Funny thing is my mom had not figured this aout about my dad until I pointed it out and they had been married almost 30 years at that point.

So did this!
 
It's not that he wasn't willing to help, it was that it was a surprise and he had already set his mind on the track he was going to take that day and the blinders were already on. Throwing in a change of plans, while not a big deal to you is a big deal to him. It requires shifting gears and re-structuring your whole thought process for the day. The first answer that comes to mind is NO, but once there has been time to think about it and re-evaluate everything it's OK.

My husband learned long time ago (I told him straight out), that I need at least 2 hours lead time to be ok with a change of plans. He used to wait until I got home to tell me we are supposed to go some place and about half the time I sent him without me other times I was grumpy for a good hour.

Funny thing is my mom had not figured this aout about my dad until I pointed it out and they had been married almost 30 years at that point.

This is exactly true. I realize that and accept it, but I don't get it because I am not like that. I fly by the seat of my pants quite often if I don't have something scheduled. Most of the time I do have something on...

I really like the idea of a two hour window that leads up to something unforeseen. I will see if this works for him and if he can relate.

thanks :)
 
redpepper, I was just skimming some of your recent posts and I want to know what your trick is for getting laundry done in half an hour (assuming it's full loads and not just a pair of socks and underwear). Because if you CAN do laundry, eat lunch, and write a blog in half an hour, then you should be running the world. Maybe it's some sort of time-travel secret, but whatever it is, please share it with all of us, so that we, too, can benefit.

kthxbai.
 
It's called do as much as I need and often, not all in one day. And if something comes up, abandon ship to go do something more fun or in the moment. :D Like now. Writing here is way more fun than making dinner. Dinner can wait. :p Well not really. Gotta get on it.
 
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