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Primal leaves on Monday. So Wednesday we are talking about seeing Les Mis at the Muny (and then I'm going again two days later with my parents and Woodsmith) and then Sunday heading down to Johnson Shut Ins.

Happy girl. AND I do fire again on Saturday. The owners of the venue I did it at last time liked me so much they asked the producer to have me perform at their anniversary party.
 
Primal leaves on Monday. So Wednesday we are talking about seeing Les Mis at the Muny (and then I'm going again two days later with my parents and Woodsmith) and then Sunday heading down to Johnson Shut Ins.

Hey, I've been to Johnson's Shut-Ins! I was assisting on a project involving the video installations in the visitors' center. Was there while they were rebuilding the park after the mountaintop reservoir burst and destroyed so much of the land and plant life. They took us up the mountainside (to the top!) and we walked around inside the broken reservoir. Then they gave us tours of all the buildings and grounds, and I got to watch a controlled burn of a large piece of land. Lovely place! I bet the swimming there is very nice, especially if it's as hot there as it's been on the east coast. Have fun!
 
I've lived not far from the shut-ins my whole life and have never been there.
 
Today I get my phone activated. Not having one this past week was really trying on me. Like I stated earlier I thrive off of being able to contact the boys throughout the day.
 
First doing a name change. Primal has stated he has kind of a dual personality. Himself and his dragon aspect Sevendath. He's stated that with me both of those aspects are together and both love me so I'm going to start referring to him as Seven.

Moving on. There's something off at home. I don't know what. Lamian doesn't look well, which was confirmed by her and Seven, so I asked if it had to do with her allergist appointment/shots. Was told no. So I know something is wrong but don't know what or if there is anything I can do to help.
 
So a very angst filled post to come.

Recap: Seven and I got officially together May of last year. We were sleeping together since that March. Originally it was always planned to just be something short term and casual. But you know what they say about making plans in regard to emotions and feelings and love. Recently we started (or to be more accurate put a name to) an M/s aspect of our relationship. I say the put a name to because when we started our relationship we still had the emotional/mental submission with guiding, teaching, training and tasks; it was only more recently that the service and physical sides were added.
I mentioned earlier that Tuesday Lamian had seemed off. Apparently earlier that day she had made an error of judgment in regards to her medications. And when Seven got home the two of them got into a fight. She said the reason she had done what she did was because of our relationship. She told him that we didn’t have to end our relationship just any aspect of M/s (apparently with more venom than he thought possible) in it. Seven told her that doing so would end our relationship because the two were so intermingled. At which point she made it clear that if we didn’t she was gone. She doesn’t understand why she can’t make him happy like I can and I guess feels that if that wasn’t there he’d need her more to be happy.

So I pick him up from work last night and get told about this. Lots of crying ensued. Went to a park to cry and cuddle while trying to figure things out. I end up saying things I thought were bitchy (Seven told me they weren’t). One was going off on Lamian’s hypocrisy in the fact that there has been numerous times that Seven has hit his breaking point to things need to change or he’s gone and not only do they not change but in relation to the submission thing she won’t share it with him and not only has a D/s thing with Darkeyes she has started playing with other people as well. The next was how long is it going to be before she pulls this shit again but now because we are still together.

Get home eventually with more cuddling and crying and pain on both parts. Have sex and the two of us afterwards break down. He couldn’t keep from doing any aspects of domination and I started bawling due to the fight to not beg/plead for him, not call him master, or not address myself as his. For a moment the two of us feel like this means that we are over. Lots more crying and pain. I ask questions ranging from how am I supposed to act around him as a friend or roommate when I want to just be with him (he doesn’t know because he feels the same way) to just the simple why (because otherwise he’s losing his wife). He starts talking about the fact that this just proves that he is meant to have an unfulfilled life in which he is never happy. Finally after that I do beg and plead that the two of us just pretend to not have that desire for each other (because not only is the M/s an integral part of our relationship we learned those roles and how the two of us have interacted are integral parts of ourselves) because I would rather pretend to not be something I am and keep him than lose an aspect of a relationship, him, and a part of myself.

So now we are going to try and figure out how to do things. He’s talking about seeing the therapist I saw for a while, Lamian saw for a while, and he saw for a while to get her perspective and then maybe the three of us meeting with her. Until then I’ve told him that if Lamian is around I can’t even trust myself to be affectionate towards him because I don’t want her to take it wrong. So I’m a mess. And I asked him earlier how he is and was told that he is resigned. I’m not sure what he means by that.

Still together, still going to the shut-ins. Just no idea on anything else. I generally hate being in limbo in regards to relationships but I'd rather have that than nothing at the moment.
 
Trying to figure out my limits/needs on the next probably step. One of the two couples moving out (because Lamian can't handle the relationship I doubt it'll survive if we live together).

I need to know that I will get two days a week with Seven and at least one of them is a weekend day neither of us works. Otherwise it's clear I'm just being seen as a toy (if not by him, then by her in relation to him) and I won't be in that relationship.

If the above is okay then things can stay how they are I think. If not I'm going to have to figure out someway to find someone that will be able to give me the dynamic I need. And I don't trust easy, the reason this worked so well was because we were friends.
 
What about a compromise? Maybe you and Seven can agree to not show any of your M/s elements publicly or in front of her, but still be allowed to have it in private.

Then, of course, she needs to let him know what needs she has that she feels are not being met by him. However, I fail to see how she determined that just a M/s relationship between you two is the factor in that, and not any kind of relationship. It sounds more like envy. I think it's a great idea to all go to therapy together.
 
What about a compromise? Maybe you and Seven can agree to not show any of your M/s elements publicly or in front of her, but still be allowed to have it in private.

That was what we did when she first mentioned she was unsure as to how she felt about it and asked to not have to see it.

At the core though even during that fight she brought up the fact that she's not okay with the fact that we are together and if it wasn't for the fact she thought he'd make her end things with Darkeyes she'd not have us together at all.
 
Wondering how many days I'm going to feel like a mess. Wondering how long it's going to be until I actually say even "hi" to Lamian. Hating not feeling able to even give him a hug if we aren't alone.
 
Is it wrong to hate the fact he doesn't seem hurt anymore by this. I know he might be and feels he can't show it (Lamian would get upset and huge feels he needs to be strong for me) but i can't stop hating that he can seem not in pain.

I also hate how I'm coping or trying to. I know i can't sore my pain if she's home because either she'll see it as manipulative or they will have possible problems because he won't be able to comfort me. Then she leaves and I sink. Feel like I can't talk to him because of possible problems. Can't explain to Woodsmith why I'm so distraught because he doesn't really understand why I hurt so much or how to help me feel better. Any time I accidentally touch Primal I jerk away if Lamian is home because I no longer feel I can show affection in front of her. Then I don't necessarily want to be touched so he stays pulled away after.

Maybe tomorrow when I get a chance too talk with him about a need I have now with all these changes I can start to feel better.

Need is that with the loss of the master slave dynamic, the much more serious talk of us all no longer living together, and the above about touch I need a guarantee that we will have two days for ourselves and one of those will be a day neither works so we have all day. And honestly the only time I'll be okay with that not happening one week is if one of us is out of town. I can't do this without that.
 
So I talk with Seven today on the way to the Shut-Ins. Wasn't the most productive I guess, but it was something.

He doesn't know if he's going to be able to do the thing I asked because he doesn't know if Lamian will go for it. He also mentioned he's still working on trying to figure out how to relate/see me know with how our relationship is having to change. I asked that he tries to talk to her ASAP after he gets back because this is important to me. I need to know that he wants the time with me so that I feel wanted and not just like something to fill his time when Lamian decides she'd rather be elsewhere.

He leaves for a week tomorrow. I guess the only good thing about that is that Lamian is probably going to spending most of her time at Darkeyes place that week so at least I'll have little to deal with him.

Still at a loss if things do end up completely ending how to look for that dynamic. Woodsmith agrees that he can't give it to me because I don't want to fight, I just want to be able to serve someone. And the only reason I was able to feel okay doing that with Seven is because of having his friendship for so long before I trusted him enough to let him close there. I don't know how easily I could do that.

I've also been sleeping with a small knife under my pillow. I've been having the craving to scratch/cut myself but for some reason I'm able to keep myself from doing so having that close to me has been giving me enough security to not. Pretending to not need to serve has been taxing. Almost more so than pretending to not be upset.
 
More messy feelings today.

So Seven left today. My ear is horribly clogged so all the upset about the following I was able to pass off as just being in pain from that.

1) I'm scared about the fact he's leaving for a week while we are not in a good place.

2) I feel like he's disappointed in me because I'm not doing okay with everything.

3) I feel hurt still because I feel like anything I need isn't going to be addressed with Lamian because he's too afraid to muddy the waters with her.

4) I'm hurting because the last time we were sexual felt like a good-bye and even though we both got to a point that we wanted each other yesterday we couldn't because Lamian was going to be home when we got back from the Shut-Ins (wouldn't allow us that) and there's no privacy there.

5) I'm terrified that since we aren't doing okay that while he's gone everything is just going to fall apart.
 
Okay, while all this drama is going on I'm going to try and also use this to not lose myself.

Ask me various questions about who I am (either in here or PM) and I'll give them a post talking about it.

But to get myself started:

I'm a homemaker trapped in a 9-5 business world. Any time I work any regular "job" for more than 6 months I start to realized I'm completely unfulfilled being in the work force. Mentally I'm driven to want to take care of a home and spend my time crafting (painting, drawing, making jewelry, glass painting, photography, knitting). I love the arts (including performance such as fire and burlesque) and want to be able to spread them throughout the world. That's where I want to dedicate my time and energy to (and have it be what I have coming in as extra cash).

But I can't. Having work control my life from pretty much 7:30 till 5 doesn't leave much time to dedicate.

I've recently made a (hopefully) 10 year plan that now needs to be altered slightly with the relationship changes (stop that). But the main idea is once Woodsmith starts a job that has insurance (the big reason I need a full time job ATM) stop full time work and go down to part time (no more than about 20 hours a week if I can) so I can start dedicating to that. Then if/when he makes enough for me not to have to work, leave the work force and just focus on that.
 
Taking my first step to what I want with my life.

Did two applications for full time photography jobs.
 
A strange twinge of hurt. Yesterday he sent me a text telling me good morning and that he was thinking of me/loved me. Today I didn't get that and if he was at home this is our evening together day.
 
One of the things I hate right now is mentally I'm still completely falling apart and a mess but I'm also drained from being like this the past month I can't physically let any of the hurt out.
 
Woke up to a text from Seven today. That was helpful.

Broke down last night. Not just about this but a lot of other things also. Hopefully also helpful.
 
Seven comes home today. I've missed him. Hoping we ate okay still.
 
Just finished a show tonight. One fire number, one burlesque number. First time a routine has broken me. It's more or less a depression recovery piece to Pink's Fucking Perfect. Considering I've had it my whole life difficult routine complete with words I've heard and thought that helped get me to horrible places. And it's the Moorelighthearted emotionally charged routine I have (the other is to Johnny Cash's version of hurt).

But I realized right now I feel like four of the words I had written on myself.
 
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