downsides to polyamory

ladyjools

New member
What do you think they are, i think i often go on about how great it is, and it is great for me but everything has some bad points,

my issue mainly

Time, (not having enough of it) and how compliated it can get to manage it.

Jools
 
I have to say I am looking forward to this if it evolves. As a newb to poly I am interested to hear the downsides, right now I only see potential positives (excluding timing issues...)
 
Time.

Solving issues and the effort it requires:
By default-we all as people have issues we need to improve on, when we are single with no children we can pretty much focus on those as we see fit. When we add a partner we now have twice as many issues to deal with. When you add additional partners you have exponentially more because-for example in a couple you have a relationship but in a group of 3 you have 4 relationships and all of the relationship issues for each + all of the 3 individual people's issues.

The ability (and commonly abused one at that) for partners to blame each other for their own problems instead of actively dealing with their shit (if you are alone its harder to blame someone else for your kitchen being dirty for a simple example).

More need to use a calendar to keep it all straight.

Less alone time.
 
Time management seems to be the big one. I only have 2 partners but there are some definite issues with making the time to see them.

In between me looking for work, going to school, volunteering, and making time for my good friends... it's tough to make sure I have enough face to face time with my partners. Then add in that my romantic partner is even busier then I am and is in 2 other relationships... And then my FWB is almost always working, with his kids, or with one of his other sweeties...

I get to see my romantic partner maybe twice a week at the VERY most. I get to see my FWB once a week but sometimes I go 2 weeks without seeing him.
 
Yeah, the time issue can be difficult, although the benefits of having so much love in your life far outweighs that in my own experience.
The downside, for me anyway, is the way other people view my choice to be poly. Most have been supportive, or at least not openly judgmental. However, it's been heartbreaking to lose relationships with family over it. People can be so threatened by things that are 'different' that they aren't willing to even try to understand. That kind of intolerance is hurtful and very hard to come to terms with.
 
When we add a partner we now have twice as many issues to deal with.

I would say adding a partner more than doubles the issues. You still have your own issues as an individual, plus their issues as an individual, plus your mutual issues as a couple.

Theorem: the number of issues for n people in a poly arrangement is multiplied by 2^n - 1

So for 3 people, you have 3 people's individuals (3x) + the couple-wise issues (3x) + the issues as a 3-some (1x) = 7x

4 people, you have 15x the issues as a single person. And so on.
(4x individual + 6x pairs + 4x triples + 1x quad = 15x)

Hey, maybe there's a joint-math/psych thesis in here... lol yeah ok, I think it's bedtime, brain's getting silly...



Besides time, I would say another disadvantage to poly is having to put up with criticism from mainstream people, and having to keep the arrangement secret in some cases, depending on work / legal / social situations... and the difficulty in finding people to date who are either poly or at least open to the idea.
 
I agree that other peoples attatudes is a downside. I try not to care what people think but there are times when someone has said something really hurtful,
iv been called a whore lots since coming out, and greedy and iv had people not respect my relationships and see them as casual when infact we are very commited to each other,

if you are open and out you get the downside of nasty attatudes
if you keep it to yourself then you have to live a secret life
that is def a downside.

so so far on the list i have

Time
Other peoples issues
and extra issues in relationships because there are more people with more issues :)

Jools
 
I think most of them have been listed already, but here is my list:
1. Time and time management.
2. What society thinks of us.
3. Extra drama (each relationship adds extra complexity).
4. Having to contemplate your feelings more and work extra hard at communications (some people may see this as a positive though).
5. With more relationships, there will probably be more breakups you have to deal with. (Sort of goes with drama.)
 
Schroed-yes that was my point-but I don't "get" math well and while I KNOW that it's MORE then exactly 2 times-I couldn't come up with a way to describe it.

AND

I know that II on here can and has somewhere done the whole mathematical schematic on this-and God knows it must be easier to retype what you've already figured out-than figure it out in the first place.
;)
 
Issues we're hitting up against

Echoing the group: not having enough time is rough. Scheduling is rough. Jealousy is rough. :eek:

Here's a few "new" ones...

~ Twig and I are bumping against the question of whether or not we will ever "close" our relationship and become polyfidelitous rather than our current incarnation of poly (which is pretty open, doesn't even preclude swinging amongst friends if we talk about it). He feels frustrated that our constellation of loves and friends is so changeable, and that he can't ever just say "this is it, this is how things look" the way you would in a monogamous marriage. In contrast, I freak a bit at the thought of polyfi-- what if I met someone new? :confused:

~ Having to talk about every damn thing. 90% of the time, it's great. We're so up front and clear with each other, and I love it. Once in awhile, though, it feels like we're expliciting things to death (not a word, I know...).

~ Balancing between getting individuals' needs met and being 'fair'. One of my partners leans toward clingy, and one leans toward independent (it's like dating a dog and a cat), and it feels like ping-pong trying to live with them sometimes... :rolleyes:

~ Starting to feel like my circle of friends is getting pretty incestuous. Right now I love it, but I know if there's a breakup we could explode like a firecracker (and most of us are co-housing together!):eek:

How about you?
 
~ Having to talk about every damn thing. 90% of the time, it's great. We're so up front and clear with each other, and I love it. Once in awhile, though, it feels like we're expliciting things to death (not a word, I know...).



How about you?

Being polysaturated - feeling like everything we do in our social circle is hyphenated with "poly".

Poly brunch, poly picnic, poly camp, poly everything....A) I'm not poly, B) No one walks around planning mono-meals, mono-movies etc. I like to feel a bit blended and walking around with a sign above my head won't help. There seems to be a lot of politics involved for some people. "You can't do this unless you talk to that person"..it's like replacing one set of social rules for another. It also comes off as discriminatory and excluding which I understand because people want a safe environment to just be who they are.


It's gotten much better however...I'm feeling much more grounded.....now I think I'll sit down to a supper of poly-nesian quisine :rolleyes:
 
Forgot one!

First, @Mono:

Being polysaturated - feeling like everything we do in our social circle is hyphenated with "poly".

Dude, I would love to feel poly-saturated... I think it's all a matter of degree/dosage? If you lent me one of your poly events a month, maybe we'd both feel better. :p

And now, the one problem I forgot:

~ The whole 'closet' issue. I'm in the process of coming out to K's and my entire extended family so that we can have our wedding without worrying about shocking anyone when the bride starts dirty-dancing with her hair stylist... or her dress-maker... or the emcee... or the best man! :eek::D

Seriously, though, it's rough figuring out how far out of the closet to get with whom. I just want to live my life without worrying that someone'll try to take the kids I don't have yet, or get one of us fired... Ugh. (Cheers to living in an urban, progressive patch of America and minimizing the risks!)
 
Just a thought, as the biggest complaint seems to be lack of time, there is another poly...

Polyphasic sleeping. I experimented with it during university and it actually works really well, if you are strict about sticking to the schedule. What you do is take 20-30 minute naps every four hours during the day, rather than sleeping in one big chunk at night. You end up with about 5 or 6 extra hours of time.

It's very tricky, you have to be very strict about getting your naps when it's naptime, and you probably can't do it if you work 9-5, but it's great if you can make it work.

If anyone's interested, here's a good place to start looking for info:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/10/polyphasic-sleep/

Also, one to add to the list: Trying to get a date with someone who you know is interested in you but is just too damn busy with all her other partners! ARGH!
 
sleeeeeeeeppppp, for me a huge one... that and absolutely no alone time, EVER. :D good thing I hate to be alone.

there is one other for me that I struggle with and that is guilt. Of course this stems from my up bringing and is brought on by my family almost daily. I fight it quite often and it is one of the reasons I don't want to ever be alone. As soon as I spend time alone it seeps in.

Other than that I have all the other negative symptoms mentioned here :eek:

I hear you Mono about "poly" everything. I think that is largely due to who we hang out with. Some of the people we hang out with sometimes like to schedule everything and make sure we are all moving along nicely in our poly journey so to speak. It's just not our way Mono, that's all. Some people like to have their lives scheduled that much, we don't.... but I think we have balanced that with other things now, at least more and more anyways. :) that comes from normalization I think.
 
I would say adding a partner more than doubles the issues. You still have your own issues as an individual, plus their issues as an individual, plus your mutual issues as a couple.

Theorem: the number of issues for n people in a poly arrangement is multiplied by 2^n - 1

Schrodinger, your math isn't quite right. I would agree that that adding a partner more than doubles your issues. By your formula moving from single to just one partner would only double the number of issues. You should make n=2 a special case and apply 2^n-1 to n>2.:)

I wonder what happens when you add imaginary partners. Are they represented by i/:D You would start having trigonometric issues.

If you haven't guessed I'm a math geek.
 
A short story - my OSO and I were taking an ecotourism vacation in Mexico, near the border with Belize. We met a wonderful lesbian couple and spent evenings together, solving the problems of the world.

One evening we got into talking about the challenges of being "out" as a lesbian couple in a relatively conservative society (I don't remember where they were from). They said that we probably wouldn't be able to relate to it, though. Up to that point we hadn't mentioned poly, but we brought it up right then. They had never heard of it and joked that we had "out-alternatived" them! There then followed a lot of Q&A about poly. Once the general flow took a pause, the two of them reflected a little and the one said

"Wow, you get to be with two women!"

and the other:

"Yeah, but you've got to be with two women!"

In a lot of ways this sums up a lot of the positives and negatives of my relationship.
 
umm as a currently mono partnered poly person I would say the other difficulty is finding partners :)...(or in the case of most people I interact with, letting those partners find me)
 
Finding partners, yes...or finding yourself talking to a really sweet single woman who likes you a lot, and which whom you share virtually every major interest, and knowing that she's hardwired mono. :(
 
Being polysaturated - feeling like everything we do in our social circle is hyphenated with "poly".

OMG, I am "poly" and guess what Mon-I SO feel that way sometimes!
Sometimes I just want to BE, not TALK about what that is that I am be-ING!

Just to be able to have my loves and enjoy our relationships without having to spend all of my time explaining poly to some "un-exposed" person or whatever!!!!!!
 
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