Need advice on what to do about herpes...

JacksonCage

New member
HI!

First of all, this is my first post. I've been reading this Forum for months now as therapy, to help me cope with my wife's choice to start a relationship with another man and be poly.

As you can probably tell, I'm mono.

This forum has helped me see her side of things more, and slowly come on board with her lifestyle choice. So thanks to you all.

I know I need some more support in other areas, however, one is up now as it's the white elephant in the room.

She is going to see this guy for the first time really soon. They have not had sexual relations yet, and surely plan too when they meet.

When asked about STD's it seems like the guy is pretty responsible...as far as tests and HIV tests go.

However, he did reveal that he has herpes 1 (cold sore kind) and herpes 2 (genital warts kind).

As you know, these don't go away once you have them and are highly contagious. 50% or more of people in the US have type 1 and like 20% have 2.

I am fairly certain I have neither, as I've never had symptoms come up. I know people can be asymptomatic, but let's just assume I am clean in that department.

I also know my wife currently has never shown signs for either.

Even WITH a condom, type 2 is still possible to spread. And type 1 can spread with saliva...even if there is no cold sore present.

So, I am feeling like I am being forced into getting diseases I don't want.

I have no judgement at all about polyamory and what y'all are into. I get it on a mental level for sure. It makes a lot of sense. However, I'm just not interested in it, and I think one reason is that I don't want to have to worry about getting diseases from strangers. (being in this case, her "boyfriend" is a stranger to me)

For all you reading this who are in multiple partner relationships, I am SURE this must be an issue as it's probably of the top transmitted viruses.

So...

1) What do you all do about herpes?

2) Do you have prevention that you know works well enough? I'll take "well enough" as I really have no choice in this matter. As many of you mono's out there know, if your spouse is going to do this, they're going to do this. It's either "deal" or divorce. I am choosing the painful route of "deal" rather than the painful route of divorce.

3) Once she comes home, how long of a "quarantine" time do we need to get the battery of tests needed to see if she's infected? Does herpes 1/2 show up on tests early on?

I am going to inform my wife that we'll have to have quarantine times after every time she meets with him. I am just hoping it doesn't have to take more than a month or so.

Thanks for helping me.

I know I can ask a doctor some of this, but I am sure many of you are well informed in the context of multiple partner relationships.

Thanks so much.
 
I know people use words differently, but in my words?

  • You are monoamorous and do not want to be participate in a polyship shape relationship.
  • Your wife is polyamorous and polysexual wants to participate in a polyship shape relationship that includes both love share and sex share.
I have no judgement at all about polyamory and what y'all are into. I get it on a mental level for sure. It makes a lot of sense. However, I'm just not interested in it, and I think one reason is that I don't want to have to worry about getting diseases from strangers. (being in this case, her "boyfriend" is a stranger to me)

Before even dealing with the guy's herpes... could you please clarify some things?

  • Why are you agreeing to enter into a polyship shape with wife and this man if you yourself have no desire to be in a polyship shape?
  • If you want to be free of that kind of worry, why are you entering into a relationship shape where that is part of the price of admission? :confused:

Seems like it would serve you wants better to tell wife "I am ok with you being polyamorous. But I do not want to participate in a polyship "V" with you as the hinge person and him and me as the "V arm" people where there is both love share and sex share. If you wish you participate in a polyship that way, it has to be without me. So before you do, we need to disband the marriage and be friends so I can step off before you go places I cannot go."

I am concerned that you are going along with this against your own wants for sake of wife. Rather than for your own sake. :(

Galagirl
 
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Why do you assume she is going to have sex with him the first time she meets him? Does she mistakenly believe that that is what polyamory is all about?

Regarding herpes, do a search of the forum and you will find several very informative threads on the topic, with links to excellent sites that provide information.
 
Well GalaGirl,

It's something that's she's been wanting to try for years and years. She finally met someone she loves.

I love her SO much I want her to have what she wants in life.

No, I don't like it, but I also can't stifle my wife and her dreams.

As you know, it's never simple, right?

So, I'm willing for her to give this a try. It's just that I didn't anticipate the STD thing... I mean, yeah with HIV and all... but herpes did not cross my mind until it was recently revealed to me.

So, I guess I'm just needing to look at this STD issue for now...and then after they meet, see where she as at and take it from there.

So yes, I am mono and not interested in anyone but my amazing wife. Trouble is, if you want someone to be amazing, you have to let them be fully who they are...and well, this is who she is. As you know, you are just built the way you are.
 
Why do you assume she is going to have sex with him the first time she meets him? Does she mistakenly believe that that is what polyamory is all about?

Regarding herpes, do a search of the forum and you will find several very informative threads on the topic, with links to excellent sites that provide information.

Because she says she is. It's their intention for this meeting.
 
She finally met someone she loves.
Wait - what? I thought you said they've never met before and are getting together for the first time. She's "fallen in love" with someone she's only interacted with online?

Please make sure you have his name, address, and phone number and are fully aware of their whereabouts for their date, and ask her to check in with you.
 
Genital warts and herpes are completely different diseases.
I have genital herpes. I've had it for over 20 years. Neither Maca or GG has gotten it (both are tested regularly and continue to test negative) in 20 years...
There are several threads on here if you search "herpes" or "std's" regarding the topic including a lot of info from posters who have herpes and or are dating someone who does.
 
So yes, I am mono and not interested in anyone but my amazing wife. Trouble is, if you want someone to be amazing, you have to let them be fully who they are...and well, this is who she is. As you know, you are just built the way you are.

And how are you stifling her from being who she is? You seem to love and accept her how she is just fine.

If you tell her you have to bow out because this is not for you, how is this stifling her dream? She can carry on without you.

Your "willing & able" to participate in a polyship shape relationship has nothing to do with her. It is YOUR willing and able.

Whether or not she is currently in a polyship does not define her "polyness." She could be poly-single or poly-celibate. You guys could divorce and she could be in a polyship without you with other people. Her "polyness" remains.

I'm not saying that to upset you -- I am trying to point out that YOU are not looking out for YOU here.

  • Because you KNOW you don't want to participate for your own sake.
  • You do not like it, and do not enter from a place of "Joyful yes!"
  • But you are going to do it anyway for her sake.

That's a good way to ding your own health. And I'm not talking about physical health with the herpes -- I'm talking about mental health with worries you could be free of, and spiritual health when you go against your own grain. It is not you being true to yourself.

And planting seeds of resentment like that --- better a good split and be good friends than continue your relationship with her doing things you don't want to be doing. :(


  • If she doesn't know you feel this way, you are doing lies of omission and that is not loving behavior toward her.
  • If she does know you feel this way and is willing for you to do this against your own grain? She's not doing loving behavior toward you.

I'll let others address the herpes thing but I'm worried about you being too self-sacrificing and your wife being too "whee!" with the crushy feelings and y'all heading to disaster because you don't really want to go there and she's going too fast.

In case it helps:
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Safe_Enough_and_Free_Enough.pdf

Galagirl
 
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We dont have sex with people who have herpes. Not only do we not want the risk of getting it but also we would have to disclose that we've potentially been exposed tob it to all future potential partners white could limit who is willing to date us

People with std/sti. Are friends only to us. If N chose to gave sex with someone that had herpes I would not have sex with him anymore.
 
Just because you are poly doesn't mean you Willy nilly sleep around.

I dated quite a bit outside my marriage. Murf has been my only sex partner.

As for the herpes issue. There is no way in hell I would put either of my husbands health at risk by sleeping with someone with herpes. None of us have the infections.
 
I wouldn't worry. You probably have it. They could take some precautions.
 
I have been actively poly for 5 years, and also dipped my toes into it 15 years ago with my ex husband.

I never asked the herpes status of people I've dated in the past 5 years. I have never knowingly kissed or had sex with someone with a lesion on their mouth or lower body. I have been texted for HSV 1 and 2 recently and do not have it. I have a gf of 5 years who is poly and a bf of 2 years who is married and poly. None of us have HSV 1 or 2. (You have to ask to be tested when you go for a STD test, they do not do it automatically because the disease is so common and relatively benign.)

In recent months my bf has chosen to date 2 women. One has HSV 1 and 2 and he has decided not to have sex with her, but he does kiss her. The other one has HSV 1 and he has kissed her. He does not kiss her when she has an active lesion.

I do not feel great about this but I do not plan on a quarantine after each time he sees these women!

Here is a thread I started about our specific experiences and decision making process:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=55975
 
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I have had two partners with HSV 1 and I never caught it, I have been tested and I'm fine. We avoided kissing when they had cold sores, and I didn't let either of them give me oral sex, ever. HSV 1 is very common and I don't think you can be poly and completely avoid contact with people who have HSV 1 for long.

HSV 2, the genital variety, is another matter. It is a dealbreaker for me, and for my primary partner. There is no way either of us would get into a sexual relationship with someone who had this. Period. Your wife doesn't have to either.

You have the power to make agreements with your wife to protect the two of you, and to protect your relationship. You do not have to be a passive doormat in this while she does whatever she pleases. This is assuming that you are OK with her having poly relationships, period. If you are not OK with it, she isn't having a poly relationship, she's just openly cheating on you.

Good luck.
 
Your wife can absolutely make her own choices regarding risk assessment. So can you. They may not be the same choices because youre different people. Before you make any decisions, know your own status.. Women are more likely to get it and less likely to pass it on.
 
HSV 1 is very common and I don't think you can be poly and completely avoid contact with people who have HSV 1 for long.

HSV 2, the genital variety, is another matter. It is a dealbreaker for me, and for my primary partner.

You are aware, aren't you, that you can have HSV1 on your genitals or HSV2 on your face? They are just two strains of herpes and the type of strain doesn't always correspond with a specific location when it surfaces.
 
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So yes, I am mono and not interested in anyone but my amazing wife. Trouble is, if you want someone to be amazing, you have to let them be fully who they are

I want to applaud you, @JacksonCage. You sound much like my husband, who has also struggled with my desires for relationships outside the marriage and came to a similar conclusion. I appreciate and love him to the bottom of my heart, and I let him know it often. I hope your wife realizes how amazing you are.

I have no advice to offer you about herpes. For me, a guy I'd never met in person but who had herpes would simply not make my to-do list. If you're uncomfortable/concerned about anything your wife is doing, you need to tell her and you guys need to find a way you can BOTH be comfortable within your mono/poly marriage.
 
I was aware of it being possible to spread HSV 1 to the genital area, nycindie. That is why I didn't let my two past partners who had it give me oral sex. We also didn't kiss when they had active cold sores. It seemed to work, I was with each of them for a year or two, and I never caught it.

Since something like 60 percent of the population has HSV 1, and since so many are unaware of it too, I don't really see a way to completely avoid contact with HSV 1 short of monogamy AND never kissing a friend or relative.
One of my partners who had it, had it from childhood, and he believes he caught it from his mom.

I was unaware that one can get HSV 2 on one's face, but it makes sense.
 
My husband is mono and I am poly, and no way, no how would I ever want to do anything that could potentially give him herpes. I dated someone for a couple of months who was herpes negative, but whose girlfriend was dating a type 2 positive person. We didn't end up being intimate because I felt the risk was just too great.

My husband does not have veto power over who I choose to date, have sex with or chat with online. However, if he came to me with concerns such as yours, I would definitely hope I could respect this as a concern and we would be able to dialogue about it. Has your wife explained why she feels this risk is warranted? Maybe she hasn't thought it through - she is definitely going to have to disclose this encounter, ever after, to all other potential partners.

If you are this uncomfortable/worried about this burgeoning relationship - you need to let your wife know. She can't respond to concerns you haven't shared. :)
 
I can only speak to HSV 1 - Yes, an outbreak can begin before it's visible, but it is not without symptoms. It hurts before it's ever visible (days), sometimes it feel like a pimple or a bug bite other times it's much worse. As my dad's the only other person in my family that has it, I must have gotten it from him (likely when I was very little), but didn't have an outbreak until I was 13 and got a bad sunburn on my lip. Now I can almost count on an outbreak if I'm out in the sun for a couple days straight. My husband of 23 years nor either of my kids (14/18) have contracted it. I've always been really careful about contact during an outbreak, which is really hard to do when the kids are babies or are sick. In general, I wouldn't rule someone out just because of HSV 1 or 2, but there would need to be a great deal of trust established first. Unfortunately, this doesn't sound like the case with your wife as this will be their first time meeting.
 
I am sorry you are in this situation. I understand you are open to your wife being poly because you care very much for her and want her to be happy. That is awesome. Just because she is poly and you are not, that's okay. Just noticed a lot of people criticizing your relationship, that's not helpful at all. Have you and your wife had a direct talk about whether she wants to have sex with him even with the herpes? It only sounded like an assumption.
 
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