How does everyone handle arguments

Now I have a visual of a guy walking around with a fridge on his head, and anvils and grand pianos are falling on him as well. He's thinking, "Why didn't I just stay in bed this morning?"
 
Now I have a visual of a guy walking around with a fridge on his head, and anvils and grand pianos are falling on him as well. He's thinking, "Why didn't I just stay in bed this morning?"

As he falls into an open manhole...

ANYhoo, as for resolving arguments, my partner is excellent about letting me vent if I need to, but encouraging me to talk with my metamour. We had a particularly dicey time where we had both hurt each other very much, and the poor guy heard it from both ends and just let us work it out. He has rarely ever vented about his OSO to me, however - only in very general terms about things that happened, and with caveats about how she was feeling at the time and all that, so he tries very much to not let his feelings at the moment pollute anyone else's feelings about the other.

Although sometimes I'm sure he'd like to crawl into one of those Acme Holes [tm] and just fold it up behind him... :D

(Why does this thread now leave me with Wile E Coyote on the brain?)
 
Some days you're the head, other days you're the piano ... :)
 
Now I have a visual of a guy walking around with a fridge on his head, and anvils and grand pianos are falling on him as well. He's thinking, "Why didn't I just stay in bed this morning?"

No i drop the anvils on others.

The refrigerator story is true; to an outside observer, it probably looked like an accident though.
 
When dropping anvils on people's heads, do you say "oops?"

I hope the fridge was still usable after that accident.
 
When dropping anvils on people's heads, do you say "oops?"

I hope the fridge was still usable after that accident.

I say "you're welcome".

Yes, no appliances were harmed during the incident. I wouldn't call it an "accident" though... lol
 
Creepy how similar incident and accident are spelled ... I'm sure it's just a coincidence though. Is an accident when someone says "oops," or is it still an incident if the appliance receiver says "thank you? (ahh, feels so nice, etc.)"
 
I think the point of a "cool down" period mid-argument is to re-focus your thoughts without the spinning head and escalating emotions so you can approach the topic with a fresh view. It takes the confrontation out of your face so you can think clearly and stop accusing.

My husband is like your wife in that when something is bothering him, he likes to drive around and mull it over. Driving around gives him a chance to think about it by doing something basically mindless.

I don't see how having sex with someone else during that cool down period would help her mull things over. That's pure distraction.

It's not like her current method is to go out with friends and play cards or go to the bar, and now it's just a boyfriend instead of friends and sex instead of cards. Going to a boyfriend for sex instead of going out by herself for thinking time is completely different behaviour with accordingly different consequences.

For example, Boyfriend looks pretty darn good when the freshest memory of Husband is the heated argument. Repeat that enough times, you've got a recipe for Grass is Greener.

At the end of the day, you can't control her behaviour. If she's going to go have sex with her boyfriend to supposedly cool off, you can't really stop her. But I believe you would be justified in being bothered by that, and I see nothing wrong with letting her know that you'd prefer it if she stuck with the tried & true methods.
 
Well-stated; I agree.
 
Not exactly following all of the amusing Wile E. Coyote tangents, but...my experiences:

MrS and I usually see eye to eye...when we don't it ends up in a huge blow-out. This occurs once every two or three years. The second to last was the the worst (and was a direct result of my /jackassery/ with respect to Dude - you can read about it on my "Journey" blog here). When the last one (the first one since Dude came into the picture officially as a member of the household) happened, I literally could not relate to/interact with Dude in the slightest (I handled it quite badly - telling Dude to "get out"/"go home" - luckily he negotiated to stay, and actually sped up the resolution). This is not unusual for me - if MrS and I are not fundamentally "right" then my world is so askew that I can't really talk to/relate to anyone until it is resolved (I get through my day with the minimum of interaction with another living soul and then rush home to fret).

I "fight" with Dude on a much more regular basis (we are still learning how to do this). MrS is phenomenally awesome at being an "objective observer" - comforting without "taking sides", pointing out (gently) when I am being a complete ass-hat and pushing Dude's buttons, etc. (Often I am so touched by his concern about my damaging my relationship with Dude that the original argument is put into clear perspective.)

We all live together so out-and-out fights are highly visible - the "non-involved" person can hardly be unaware of the situation. If it is a "relating to one another issue" - i.e. personal - then MrS is very, very good at just letting Dude and I figure shit out (there has been one exceptional exception - when he thought that Dude had gone "too far" and was being disrespectful of me as a person...but that is a different story). Dude is not quite as good at this (possibly because it arises less often - he has an opinion on everything), so occasionally MrS and I have to tell him that this disagreement doesn't actually concern him and he can keep his opinions to himself). If MrS and Dude have an issue (rare, but it does happen - they are friends and metamours so their issues are not of the "lover" variety) - I tend to fret and worry and build myself into a high anxiety state... and pretend as though everything is fine...until they work it out.

For me, personally, if all is not well on my "relationship fronts" then sex is COMPLETELY out of the picture - I couldn't have sex with one if I wasn't "all good" with the other.

BUT we are all individuals...my responses are MY responses...YMMV.

JaneQ
 
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Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner have an issue in their relationship. Coyote wants broasted road runner for lunch, whereas Road Runner simply wants to go "Beep! Beep!" They attempt to solve this difference of objectives in a number of ways, usually employing lots of ACME products, and not usually ending well for Coyote. We can all learn something from this kind of argument resolution.

  • Dropping pianos, anvils, and large appliances on your partner's head usually doesn't resolve the argument.
  • If you drop the piano, anvil, or large appliance, please say "Oops" or "You're welcome" as appropriate.
  • If you receive the piano, anvil, or large appliance, please say "I think I see your point now."
  • If you are a coyote, you should probably always wear a parachute (even though it will probably malfunction).
But Jane, your approach on arguments and disagreements seems to be at least as good as the one listed above, and so I would say carry on, keep refining that technique. If you don't have arguments often enough to have a smooth resolution process worked out, that's probably actually a good sign. :)
 
If you don't have arguments often enough to have a smooth resolution process worked out, that's probably actually a good sign. :)

Thanks Kevin - I tend to agree. :D

JaneQ

PS. Two years of a co-habitating Vee and I can count the "serious" confrontations on one hand? Yup - I couldn't have hoped to be that lucky...
 
Thanks Kevin - I tend to agree. :D

JaneQ

PS. Two years of a co-habitating Vee and I can count the "serious" confrontations on one hand? Yup - I couldn't have hoped to be that lucky...

Yep :D I was thinking about this as well, I count to '1' in regard to Lin and '1/2' plus '1/2' when I think of my serious-argument-history with Sward during the last 1 1/2 years :rolleyes: Must mean that everything is just fine ;)
 
I seem to be a bit in the minority here, as I absolutely want sex when I'm having a conflict with a partner. I think something about being touched, sharing that energy, centers and calms me, reminds me that I am loved and desired. In fact, years ago when Fly tried to break up with me (I just wouldn't go :) ), I asked him "Can we please fuck for a while and then talk some more?" Lucky for me, Fly totally gets my twisty mind and heart. :rolleyes:

But honestly, when I'm upset or angry, I crave the physical interaction of sex. It hasn't happened yet, but I could imagine seeking it from another partner if it wasn't on the table with the partner I'm in conflict with. However, if it bothered one of my loves or hurt them when I did that, I would certainly reconsider the action. It surely can't heal a rift when the way you find comfort piles more pain onto the situation.

Additionally, I have discussed with both my partners and have agreed between the three of us that it's ok to get support from another partner if there is conflict, but that it's not okay to bad mouth one lover to another. Those are the lines we've drawn, because even though each relationship is private, I would seek advice from or vent to my close friends, and my partners are my best friends of all.

I also feel like the root of the conflict matters; when Fly and I have a problem, which is rare, it's usually a deep, soul-bruising kind of thing that takes a toll on our headspace and emotional reserves. With Moonlight, it's more that we sometimes irritate each other or get on the other one's nerves. Those are easy for me to shake off, so I don't require as much comfort or reassurance.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I understand how sex and physical intimacy can play a role in self-care during times of strife, but that taking your partner's well-being into consideration is paramount if you're actually seeking to mend the relationship or resolve the argument.
 
Additionally, I have discussed with both my partners and have agreed between the three of us that it's ok to get support from another partner if there is conflict, but that it's not okay to bad mouth one lover to another. Those are the lines we've drawn, because even though each relationship is private, I would seek advice from or vent to my close friends, and my partners are my best friends of all.

If I found that my partner was talking trash about me to anyone, at any time, I'm pretty sure there is a fundamental problem located. I would be much more interested in why they even had the urge to talk mean about me than I would be in just making a rule that they aren't allowed to do it. They shouldn't *want* to talk bad about me, and if they do they demonstrate that they don't respect me and likely shouldn't be with me.

With Moonlight, it's more that we sometimes irritate each other or get on the other one's nerves.

Eh, people get grumpy and irritable; I know I do. Those are not necessarily signs that there is a systemic problem. They might just demonstrate that someone is having a crummy week or isn't eating right.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I understand how sex and physical intimacy can play a role in self-care during times of strife, but that taking your partner's well-being into consideration is paramount if you're actually seeking to mend the relationship or resolve the argument.

I do not have any say in how my romantic partner (or anyone) manages their intimacy or emotions. This doesn't change just because I am in a bad mood. If I'm focusing on things like "is she shagging him right now?" or considering proposing rules about how they manage their relationships if I'm in a grumpy mood, I have very obviously lost sight of what is important.
 
Additionally, I have discussed with both my partners and have agreed between the three of us that it's ok to get support from another partner if there is conflict, but that it's not okay to bad mouth one lover to another. Those are the lines we've drawn, because even though each relationship is private, I would seek advice from or vent to my close friends, and my partners are my best friends of all.

I think it's an important line, but for a different reason.

I don't hang out with anyone who trash talks, period. It says more about the person talking than the person being trashed.

That's not to say my gf and I won't sometimes "vent" about our frustrations with our husbands. But we acknowledge that we're upset with the situation or the behaviour, not bashing the men themselves.
 
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