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Old 09-03-2011, 09:58 PM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Manchester, England & Tain, Scotland
Posts: 85

Originally Posted by opalescent View Post GC under the impression that you are seeing only him? Have you explicitly, in words which were said aloud, agreed to be monogamous with him?
I think we need to be aware that in the mainstream culture, just agreeing to be in a relationship is taken to mean exclusivity. Given that we know that, we do have more of a duty to disclose other relationships.

Let me give an analogy. You turn up at a restaurant, your table is not yet available, and the maitre d' ushers you into the waiting area. Would madam like a drink while waiting? Yes please.
Now, nothing was said about paying for the drink. Was it complimentary (as the table was late), or does it get added to the bill? If you don't check at the time, you cannot refuse to pay because the culture of restaurant usage is that you pay for all food and drink supplied, unless stated otherwise.
Or, still at the restaurant, you get to the end of the meal and you leave. When accused of dishonesty, you say, correctly, all these nice people kept asking what I wanted, nobody asked me to promise to pay.

So, I think there is an ethical push towards being explicit about being poly, as soon as you get around to behaviour that implies exclusivity to most folk in that setting. I think the original post makes clear that this has already occurred, and I would not go along with the idea that it is OK just because words were not said.
I'm juggling a marriage and two lovers and have found it very helpful that everyone knows about everyone else.
here I agree totally. You will be more comfortable with all these people once you are not keeping something back from them.
That may lead to an ultimatum: choose them or me. Even so, that is better than continuing with something that would hurt the person if they later found out.
It may also lead to an outright rejection. If so, them being with you now is based on false assumptions -- it is not the real you they are with but a sanitized fake made by their assumptions. Again, though rejection is never comfortable, I personally would rather be rejected as the real me than continue to be accepted on the basis of a misassumption.

And you may get really lucky: they may be ok with the idea; even if it is not their ideal scenario, they may be content to allow it to continue.

So yes, my advice is to go for full disclosure of all current ongoing situations.

There are two Rivers here now: which one is this?

quaker poly experiences and poly: a quaker perspective

I hope other British Quakers who are poly (or wonder if they are) will contact me here, thanks, Friends.
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