It's been a slide down from heightened anxiety, stress, hurt and confusion since I last wrote. I have been tending to myself these days. I find myself mostly in bed watching shows and avoiding everything. Its been heavenly, actually. I have no burlesque shows coming up, minimal social engagements and quit the choir. I have only seen Derby, Brad, PN and Mono. Work people while at work. The occasional poly function that I host. That's it. Nothing else has drawn me out into the world.
It seems that the "trying it out" for Mono is over, for now. It doesn't seem to have worked out to date people secretly without my consent. He says it's too much work. I don't know if he still would be carrying on seeing the other women if they had either been more interesting or hadn't decided they were interested in him. I am trying to believe that he is now working on other areas of his life and the moment of need for control is over. He certainly seems to be interested in other things now that he has lots of time, free from work, to ride, read, watch shows and do as he pleases. He has lots of time to see other women too, but it seems to be not as much of an interest. Of course, I have no idea, just his word on it. That doesn't mean much these days.
I have been doing a shitload of work on myself lately, including reading Tara Brach's book "Radical Acceptance" (thanks for the reminder River) and Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection." Mono is reading that one too. Both have been really good to read together. They have helped. I'm actually reading! I have been to a seminar that helped. I've done rituals, journaling, and spent a great deal of time allowing myself time to think. All this has lead to one or two things. Living in the moment is important. Not taking the past into the future is part of that and. It's important for me to ground myself in my own life and concentrate on what I want out of life, before anyone else has a say.
How my new take on life will affect my relationships remains to be seen. I used to be the one that made the plans and kept up with everyone so that we could be together. I am not doing that. I don't know what happens when I don't. It should be interesting.
It seems that everyone is doing their own thing and moving on to make plans without me. There have been lots of activities I know nothing about and lots of socializing that doesn't involve me. At first, I was a bit scared and sad about that. But I really don't feel anything anymore now. More than ever, I am fine with what others do and plan without me. Sure, I'd like to know, so that I could feel connected and like I am important enough to them that they WANT to tell me what goes on in their lives, but I am not attached to it like before. I find it much easier to shrug it off and find my own things to do and work towards. It will all work out.