Just as all of the rest of it, the lies were simply offered up/volunteered!
I guess it's not unusual for veganchick. (and no this isn't a petty jab) She tends to see herself as the person she wants to be, rather than who she is. I won't judge that or pretend to understand the psychology of it. I think that is an aspect of veganchick's personality she is beginning to own. Hopefully, it will help her grow to love herself as much as I have loved her.
Wow, I live with someone like this, too.
It's so hard, to work around the image he tries so hard to portray. One tough part is, it IS pretty. I want so much for the shiny armor to be "real." Even he says, "I feel like a little boy of coal. The only way I feel comfortable in the world is to put on the shiny armor." I have spent 13 years trying to convince him that the boy of coal is the one who is lovable, not the slick perfect macho man he presents. I can understand him needing to present it to the outside world, I mean, naturally we all want to show the world our best selves. But he goes overboard, for one thing, and for another thing, he has to be real with SOMEONE. I thought that someone could be me.
I am starting to fear that he can't do it with me, after all. That he is incapable of being honest to the the level it will take to create a real marriage with me. I know, I am demanding. I call him on his shit, and if I were him, yeah, maybe I'd be tired of that. I can see why he'd be tempted to go off with a girl who is a little flighty, where he can easily fool her into thinking he's the perfect god he so wants to appear to be.
I want to love the imperfections, the REAL Sundance. But he is so convinced of his own unlovability. I am not sure I can get through. He can't trust that I will love the imperfect person underneath it all -- but that is so weird, because he knows how repulsed I am by his vanity sometimes! How often I have begged him to relax, how many times I have said, I like your hair messy sometimes; I don't care if you have 6-pack abs; I like when your clothes are rumpled (at least on the weekends!); I like when you get in the water and swim with the kids, instead of sitting on the side afraid to mess up your hair! I don't mind if we have to be frugal for awhile, to get caught up on our bills, so if you only tip the waitress 20%, that's ok. (Yes, he plays the rich, generous guy, even when we are flat out broke). It's ok to tell the kids, "No, I'm sorry, I just can't afford it right now," instead of pretending that you can, further perpetuating our debt. If you're not ok with me having sex with Butch, let's talk about it and see if we can work it through. You don't have to fake forgiveness or pretend acceptance. You don't have to be
really perfect to enter my heart, you have to be
perfectly real, and let me enter yours!
Eek, let me retract that ... leave perfection out of it altogether, because that is unattainable in our humanness. I would just like to see some ATTEMPTS -- where our hearts can meet in the middle. He is his most beautiful when he is humbled. But I don't want to be the one always humbling him! It's co-dependent, and it puts me in a dreadful position of playing god.
I can get so self-righteous sometimes, I know I can be terrifying to him. (It's scary to be called out! Sundance has done it to me, so I know! But overall, in the end, I've been grateful. He cared enough to want the real me, and to dig deep through all my bullshit for her/me. It was tough love, even though yeah, sometimes I hated it and resented him for it!). I am not ALWAYS tough and horrible to him. I have tried being gentle and understanding, a soft place for him to land, an understanding and forgiving partner. But I can't participate/enable him in his denial. And I find it very hard to love an IMAGE. I can't discern between what's real and what's not. I'm confused, exhausted, and frustrated.
Sadly, I think he is too.
I don't know if any of this is relevant to post here on
your blog but I couldn't help sharing. Take what you like and leave the rest, right?