Redpepper's journey

Mono had his retirement work lunch yesterday. He got many accolades for a job well done over 22 years of service in the Canadian Navy. It was an afternoon of beer, food, pats on the back, presentations and a lot of men in one room. Ha! I wasn't used to that part. ;)

I got an award too, for supporting Mono in his job. It felt weird receiving it. I am not used to appreciation and although I was choked up at the sentiment, I felt part of the appreciation should go to his ex-wife. I emailed her for the first time with a picture of me holding it and wrote that I received it on her behalf, as she put in 17 years of marriage to him. I haven't heard back.

It has been interesting and quite comfortable to have Ken around lately. He came for awhile and my co-worker, his gf, showed up too. It was the first time I talked with them together. It went fine. He seemed pleased to sit back and let us talk about work. I felt a sense of relief and reflected on the journey to get to that point afterwards.

Last night we went to visit our friends up the mountain. We met them when Mono lived up there and we first started dating. After four years they have decided to move out of province this winter. Its the end of an era. Many weekends we have spent with them up there and last night was not only Mono's retirement party, but a kind of a goodbye. I found it to be a sad event on many levels due to several circumstances. Everything is changing.

I haven't seen Brad or Derby much lately. I have spent most of my time by myself, taking the time I need to think and re-group on my own. I am transforming. I am allowing that process to unfold. I'm giving myself a good look over. Hopefully this will help me understand where my future will go and help me make choices that are healthy for me in the long run. My mind is shifting. When I say to myself I need to look after my primary, myself, it is beginning to take on a whole new meaning. It's early days yet, but that shift is happening.
 
I am waiting for a revelation and a realization of what I should be doing. I spend my time talking to Mono, and then processing the bits I get. That and carrying on with life.

It isn't coming. Nothing is coming. Okay, it's been two weeks I've known, and ten months of him knowing he could love others, and hiding it for the most part, only to want to continue to hide it.

I feel like there is no indication that I am worth being considered. So much for the "extended consideration" he spoke so highly of. I don't feel considered at all.

It's all about his autonomy, his freedom. When did I become so controlling to him, just by my very existence?

I worked hard all this time on balance, to create a life that meant others could be happy and free do as they would Now I am left wondering what I did. Maybe I shouldn't have brought this into my life.

Mono used to be proud that he was with me. Now I am a burden and a block to his freedom to hit the road. I am in making him look less than independent, making him feel tethered down. I have become a burden on his life and his future.

I feel as if I am suppose to sit here and wait for him to come home and suck up what I want for my life; suck up my feelings and just deal. I want some boundaries agreed upon. Why is that so hard? I agreed to his boundaries. Why can't he, at least to see if it works? Is that really so smothering to his freedom in the long run?

It worries me that what I ask for seems reasonable to me, yet he is unwilling to consider it.

I don't know what to do. All this effort, written about here-- what was it for? I don't know. What am I suppose to be learning?
 
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Oh RP, I'm so sorry. So many good people going through really tough times right now.
 
Thanks :) to you too. Been thinking about you. Why do we do this poly shit LR? Why? I want monogamy. This sucks.

I think we've all been there with that thought at one time or another. It might make for a more even life but when things are going well in poly they're really good, and I think you appreciate the good times more because the not so good times are really not so good.
 
I think we've all been there with that thought at one time or another. It might make for a more even life but when things are going well in poly they're really good, and I think you appreciate the good times more because the not so good times are really not so good.
Remind me of the good times. I forget.
 
really? Who? I haven't been keeping up. Too absorbed in my own stuff.

AnotherConfused, BaggagePatrol, HyperSkeptic, and others I'm not thinking of just at the moment. Things go painful and bad in monogamy too, of course, I remember this from experience...
 
Dressing up and playing bocci ball at poly camp NW, when we all came to your first burlesque show and brought you flowers, the camping trips that you set up where we all talk and laugh deep into the night. Or even just the simplicity of knowing there's more than one person in the world who has your back 100%. :)
 
Dressing up and playing bocci ball at poly camp NW, when we all came to your first burlesque show and brought you flowers, the camping trips that you set up where we all talk and laugh deep into the night. Or even just the simplicity of knowing there's more than one person in the world who has your back 100%. :)
:( Thanks for this, sweets. I do have more than one person who has my back. Thanks for the reminder to appreciate that and give love back from where it comes from. I feel very neglectful of you, Brad and PN. It comes around. I know that. Just now I'm dealing with self-neglect. My eyes are being opened up to what I wasn't seeing. I was too blind to see. Good times are always ahead, just as lousy ones are.

I want this year to end. Solstice holds much promise of clarity, I think. The sun will shine on the truth and I am ready for that. 25 days until then and much processing left to do. Clinging on to myself, asking for love and gentleness whenever possible. Hugs are always welcome too. A warm smile is nice. Just some acknowledgment that sometimes I am not strong. And that's okay.

After Solstice I'll hold on until the end of January, when Mono and I plan to go away together again. Perhaps all will be clearer by then... if we make it that far.

My dear loves have yet again pulled through and loved me through this blizzard. I've been as present as possible with them; asking them about their lives, being around when I can. It must be wearing thin by now. It's necessary, but I don't expect them to stick around right now. Perhaps even for good. Part of me wants to leave them all entirely so I am not a burden and so I can spend time on myself. I'm not sure I want to do this anymore, anyway. The only person I need to spend my time on right now is me. Leaving them hanging is eventually going to be unfair.

I hope I'll look back on this time and laugh at myself for being so stupid. I am turning 43 on the 7th of December. I feel as I did when I was 17 and dumped by my highschool sweetheart. I look back on that and understand now how naïve and stupid I was. Was I naïve and stupid again for allowing myself to go through this? Time, and situations coming up, will tell.

Maybe I need to alter my brain to see this all differently somehow. Not sure how to do that and what to do about that. Pondering at the moment.
 
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Maybe I need to alter my brain to see this all differently somehow. Not sure how to do that and what to do about that. Pondering at the moment.

I had to do this recently. Not sure if it will last, but it definitely helped for now. I still get a little sad, but our reality isn't bad, as long as I can stave off my depressive moods and triggers.
 
AnotherConfused, BaggagePatrol, HyperSkeptic, and others
Oh dear. I didn't know that. It seems to be going around lately.

I'm trying to work on focusing my energy inward, instead of projecting it outward in the form of reaching out to others (especially Mono) and constantly checking in with myself in regards to them and in terms of connecting with their energy. I am trying not to be so empathetic..

It works for a moment and then I slide back. I guess it takes practice. The next step is to do that and relate to others. After that I will have to figure out how to do my job in a field that relies heavily on connection through other means than talking. It's a heart, empathetic, feeling job. Could be tricky.

I figure that if I master this I will lessen the amount of connection I have with others and will be able to meet them where they are at, rather than realize over time that I have invested much more in our relationships than they have. Maybe I won't get as hurt then, too. I don't know if it will work, but it gives me something to try, anyway. It makes me sad. I'm not sure why.
 
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Mono's last work day tomorrow. We will spend an evening together in front of the fire, drinking wine and hopefully talking. I'm dreading and looking forward to it, at the same time.

This weekend we are all off to the mainland for my brother's 40th birthday party. This week has been about family and it continues this weekend. We decorated PN's mum's tree and she fed us supper. PN had a family dinner for me for my upcoming birthday. Mono will be off to his parents across the country, where I will meet him five days later, for a week. Then back for Christmas stuff happening.

I have been texting with Derby and Brad, and texting a bit with Ken and with Brad's wife. I have begun to renew my relationship with my co-worker this week, as well. Its been nice to have that connection to others. I look forward to catching up with Derby and Brad next week. Its been awhile since I've seen their faces and held them close. I miss them.

LB had his report card this week. He rocked it. His teachers are very pleased with his pleasant, confident, well-mannered and happy demeanor. He is doing really well in his life. I aim to help him keep it that way if I can. Mumma has to be healthy to do that. :)

Good food, keeping active and busy, spending time alone, writing, avoiding drinking and smoking (I could very easily fall back into that) seem to be helping me stay on top of my mental health and my life. I seem to be finding much solace in my spiritual personal world. Like a squirrel, I am gathering and saving energy for the weeks ahead.
 
Mono decided that he would invite people over for his last day celebration. We had a fire and some drinks and he invited, or should I say instructed me to invite Brad, Ken, Derby and her husband to come over. It was fun, sad and happy at the same time. I tried not to read into the atmosphere and just go with the flow.

I'll be heading back from the mainland after a weekend away celebrating my brother's birthday and seeing Mono off to his parents across the country. We had a great time. It was good to get away. My parents booked us in an apartment/suite with them for the night and we spent some time there high above the city looking out at the lights of the high-rise buildings and into other people's worlds. It reminded me of how small my world is and how possible it would be to disappear into another life, if I chose. I don't choose that, but it gave me hope, somehow. My most favorite moment was sleeping between Mono and PN in total comfort and safety. Not gleeful as I have been in the past, but content and close.

I got to see an old friend who I love and care for very much. She is also poly and as experienced as I am. I admire her ability to rise above her emotions to find rational solutions and not overthink.

My friend is different from me in that she has arrangements with her loves whereby she is free to sleep with whoever comes and goes in and out of her life and to be as casual or serious as she pleases with others. I don't have that arrangement, nor do I particularly want it. I find the parameters of my relationships give me comfort and offer a solution to my need to keep sexually distant from most people. I could just decide to not have the boundaries I do, now that I have practiced them for so long, but it's easier to remind myself and tell others that I am not available. At this time in my life, I it's healthy to be unavailable sexually to anyone, outside of my loves. My commitment to that is still strong.

I listened to my friend tell me her stories and realized that what she has is possibly what Mono wants. He might want me to let go of my need to know the details of his life and still be just as connected. Maybe he wants to be able to sleep with his friends or meet someone and hook up, just as she does. It gave me a new perspective, one that I find hard to swallow. I am struggling to wrap my head around it, but at least it doesn't seem as charged with secrets, silence and cheating.

Perhaps one day we will have something different going on with our boundaries, but there is a lot of work to do before that. I don't know if we will get there without severe changes to the connection we have. It's hard to rate someone else's connection, but I can't imagine being as connected and being okay with some of her activities, unless I block out my feelings and thoughts or I had a sign of a deeper commitment in our relationship to rely upon. Vague hopes of commitment beyond next month's rent would not produce such trust for me. I am traditional that way. I suppose with time and practice, the intensity of the charge of the triggers and anxiety I get would subside if I really wanted to work on it.

It would help if I weren't attached to the boundaries we created, that Mono now says he doesn't care about and let go of ten months ago. Boundaries we worked hard on, about whom I spend my time with and how we spend time. I wonder how much he would care if I was with someone he disliked. Does he just not have a need to know anything now? If he doesn't, then why bother telling him what I do? Would this lesson our attachment?

Heading home now. I have lots to think about, constantly feeling, feeling, feeling... It will be good to get a break on my own these next five days without Mono, until I fly to meet him. I miss him. I wonder if that will change when he goes away.
 
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It's my birthday today. Very strange to get a happy birthday from the forum I moderate. :)

I'm sitting in the airport in Toronto on my way to meet with Mono in his home city. Its been a quiet week without him. I am nervous. I spent the week with my other loves, but mostly by myself.

I had a wonderful birthday treat from Derby. She took us to a spa and we got a massage, and other wonderful pamperings. I was thrilled. I had several cries and was so grateful to her for her generosity and care. :) I love her so much.

I allowed myself to root to the ground and reminded myself to give up my fears and lack of trust and replace them with love and acceptance of what is to come and what is. I used the time to be in my body and nurture myself. The energy I was holding in the form of fear, self hatred and regret disappeared for a time and I was free of it. It was all pulled out of me that night. Afterwards, we went to a Thai restaurant and had a good laugh with our smeared makeup, tousled greasy hair and rosy skin.

I have been doing my best to look after myself this last while by journaling, thinking, pondering small things and taking stock. I have been thinking of ways to occupy myself in the future during the possible new time of not hanging out with Mono. Occasionally I panic and feel tremendous fear. I don't get a lot of reassurance from Mono about us being okay. He doesn't seem to let on anything of any substance and then I have to remind myself that he is on holiday. He is having a good time while I am at work. The space he has had is noticeable. For me its just been him absent. Then again, he doesn't communicate much anyway.

I toss everything back and forth and can't settle on anything solid. That makes me feel insecure and then I panic more. It's getting tiresome and I am almost to the point of just pushing it away. I worry that if I do too much I will push him away for good and throw my hands up. Patience, patience and waiting.

There have been useful moments of solitude where I have put myself in his shoes, the shoes the woman he was/is in love with, and then my own. It's been useful to help me understand what his position is and how I possibly felt the same as he does at one point, with Leo in my life. I don't know what she went and is going through, but I can imagine and that is good enough. It all boils down to knowing that I will be fine if I know the women he wants to be with and have a chance to find my own relationship with them, however remote. I continue to grapple with the secrecy he requires. He can dispose of the women he wants in his life. He doesn't care that they are cheating.

So, here we go. I'm ready to see where we're at. I don't know if we will get any further in figuring out what to do during this trip. I intend to go and enjoy myself, regardless. Take in a city I have not seen before and take care of myself as best I can.
 
RP, happy birthday. I am glad you and Derby had a nice spa and dinner time.

As for Mono, I don't know anything but what you've posted over the years, but I do recall him saying that if you were to get another lover (besides your gf, him and your husband), he would draw away.

And yet somehow you did get two more bfs, and he has drawn away as he said he would. Your style of doing polyamory is not his. He's off doing his own thing. He lost the feeling of specialness he had, I think. His RP having 5 lovers was too much for him to handle.

I could be totally off base. Just my outsider's perspective.

I am sorry he won't communicate and make a new agreement, or a clean break. You're in limbo and that is a terrible place to be.
 
Thanks for writin,g Magdlyn. I've been reading your blog too. :) I love catching up with your life.

Your point is well taken. I forgot he mentioned that many years ago. I will ask him his thoughts on that, when we actually talk about all this again.

We have been having a really good holiday, so far. I've met everyone in Mono's family and am getting on well with his parents. I feel as if I have a glimpse of his life I didn't before and a new understanding of who he is. Knowing something of his childhood and the culture he grew up in will be helpful, I think.
 
. . . I do recall him saying that if you were to get another lover (besides your gf, him and your husband), he would draw away.

And yet somehow you did get 2 more bfs, and he has drawn away as he said he would.
Your point is well taken. I forgot he mentioned that many years ago. I will ask him his thoughts on that.

I am very surprised to read that you forgot about that, RP. I thought that was a major term in your agreement with Mono. He has discussed it extensively here, in numerous threads, I recall. I mentioned this to you in June when I said:
Hasn't Mono always insisted that he can't be anything other than monogamous? He has always said that if he were to be interested in someone else, it means that he's losing his connection to you. And he has also always said that if you expressed interest in taking on another lover, he would start losing his connection to you.

And you and I had a little convo surrounding this -- but in re-reading your responses now, it seems you talked about your connection to Mono needing healing but at the same time you seem to have kind of avoided the fact that he had said he'd disengage if you ever hooked up with a new man after him. I also think it's significant where you said:
I naively believed in the monogamous dream with him and that's gone. It was like one last ditch effort to think that someone could love me and love me only. I feel stupid about it.

I think that somewhere you fantasized about having your own little monogamous bubble with him while you also pursued other loves. Maybe because your love was so strong, you thought he didn't really mean it when he said he'd start severing his connection if there were any more guys in your life. He wanted to be your last one. Surely, Mono was surprised that he could have feelings for more than one woman, but the distance you are feeling now is something that he prepared you for all along.

I know it sucks to wake up and see something that one has been denying, shutting our eyes to, something that was always very clearly stated. Maybe he will change his stance and be able to accept your having additional men in your life, or maybe not, but you are strong and will get through whatever the outcome is. Relationships aren't meant to stay the same forever, anyway. Dynamics change flow and morph into something new all the time, as the people change.

I know you will be okay, no matter what. Glad you had a wonderful birthday.
 
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