What words do you use - lover, partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, something else?

Marcus said:
If I introduce IV to my friends as "my girlfriend, IV" unfortunately it provides them with a set of assumptions which are not all true. It's the same when someone asks me "do you have a girlfriend?"... they are not asking me if I have a partner in the way that *I* relate (which is an uncommon approach to put it mildly), they are asking me if I have a partner in the way that people *commonly* have partners. So while my answer to this question is "yes"... it's also kind of "no, not in the way you mean it"
Yeah, that's part of the reason A, L and I don't use boyfriend/girlfriend to refer to one another. We're just too different from people's common perception of boyfriend/girlfriend. Plus, because our relationships are non-sexual and in the grey area between platonic and romantic, even putting the assumption of exclusivity and (eventual) domestic partnership aside, we still don't think boyfriend/girlfriend is a fitting title for us.

However, I refer to G as my husband, because we're indeed legally married. If it makes sense to tell people we're poly, we'll tell them.

The only kind of "shallow" friendships to me are those based upon not being friendly simply for the sake of being friendly or wanting a friend, but those based upon "shallow" factors such as looks, status, and prestige.~ :)
For me, a typical kind of shallow friendships is friendships primarily based on proximity and/or convenience. My "friendships" with some people at school are in this category. We get along okay; we help each other with schoolwork; we work together in our research; we meet up for dinner once in a while. But when we're together, we mostly have small talk about school, food, latest TV shows, etc. We don't have shared life philosophy. We don't have a deep intellectual or emotional connection. I don't think of them if we haven't met up for a while. When we're not in the same school anymore in the future, I don't expect us to keep in touch regularly or at all. I consider them (good) acquaintances or casual friends at most. But YMMV. :)
 
Last edited:
Yeah, that's part of the reason A, L and I don't use boyfriend/girlfriend to refer to one another. We're just too different from people's common perception of boyfriend/girlfriend. Plus, because our relationships are non-sexual and in the grey area between platonic and romantic, even putting the assumption of exclusivity and (eventual) domestic partnership aside, we still don't think boyfriend/girlfriend is a fitting title for us.

However, I refer to G as my husband, because we're indeed legally married. If it makes sense to tell people we're poly, we'll tell them.


For me, a typical kind of shallow friendships is friendships primarily based on proximity and/or convenience. My "friendships" with some people at school are in this category. We get along okay; we help each other with schoolwork; we work together in our research; we meet up for dinner once in a while. But when we're together, we mostly have small talk about school, food, latest TV shows, etc. We don't have shared life philosophy. We don't have a deep intellectual or emotional connection. I don't think of them if we haven't met up for a while. When we're not in the same school anymore in the future, I don't expect us to keep in touch regularly or at all. I consider them (good) acquaintances or casual friends at most. But YMMV. :)

I don't understand and comprehend Friendship as something to be maintained and in regular contact with. Do you ask the stream to stay to be your friend? Do you ask the wind not to dance away so that you may be friends? Friendship and love are not things to keep, not for me, the stream and the wind may come and go as they please and I may or may not ever see them again but we will always be friends and maybe lovers. You could stay with me if you wanted to, but I would not expect it of you and please don't expect it of me. The point is to stay with each other if we want to, not because it is expected of us.
 
I don't understand and comprehend Friendship as something to be maintained and in regular contact with. Do you ask the stream to stay to be your friend? Do you ask the wind not to dance away so that you may be friends? Friendship and love are not things to keep, not for me, the stream and the wind may come and go as they please and I may or may not ever see them again but we will always be friends and maybe lovers. You could stay with me if you wanted to, but I would not expect it of you and please don't expect it of me. The point is to stay with each other if we want to, not because it is expected of us.
You're absolutely right. "Expect" wasn't a good choice of word. And in fact I don't necessarily need regular contact with my friends. What I was trying to say was: With true friends, I care about them and actively want to maintain our bonds, even if we don't meet or talk very often. And I'd be sad if they cut off ties with me. With acquaintances or casual friends, I don't feel an emotional attachment to them, and if our life paths take us to different places, I probably won't miss them and won't mind if they don't talk to me anymore.

In short:
True friends: I want (but don't expect) our friendship to last a lifetime.
Acquaintances/casual friends: It won't hurt me at all if they don't want to hang out with me anymore.

Of course, there are some people in between as well. But most people I know are closer to the acquaintances category.
 
Last edited:
ColorsWolf, you sound like Kahlil Gabran (I just finished reading him).

I prefer not to use Lover in a context wherein people insist that the alignment of genitals is implied.

I prefer to use names. It is better for people to know each other by names, rather than labels or categories that I impose upon them.
 
We usually just introduce each other by name.If more is indicated, he is my very good friend to most in my circle of friends and acquaintances, because we are not out of the closet yet to most people. He is my lover to a few who know.

In his circle we are his very good friends and in our mutual circle we are his other wives.People say, "You mean your ex wives?" and he smiles and says, "Nope."
 
This is something I've been kind of wondering about too, what words most appropriately convey the correct meaning. (As a writer, I tend to obsess over words.)

When I was in a relationship with J (female) previously, I called her my girlfriend, she called me her girlfriend, and it sounded right.

Now that I'm in a relationship with Morp (male), sometimes I call him my boyfriend. When I came out to one of my clients (and told my parents about him) that's the word I used - it is the most popularly accepted for a male romantic partner - even though it seems sort of trite. I do refer to Guy as my husband in vanilla settings.

In fetish/bdsm circles I tend to refer to Guy as my Master, and Morp as my Dom (even though Morp considers himself more of a switch or kinkster and being called a dom is not exactly his cup of tea; he's dominant with me so it's as close to accurate as I can get in one word). Since he doesn't prefer the term dom, he requested I list him as "lover" on our fetlife profiles. I agree with the concept that lover should really be the most accurate, as it refers to LOVEr, but unfortunately, it has the connotation of a primarily sexual partner. Which sort of annoys me, because I think the love part is more important than the sex part.

When I refer to them in plural I just say "my men", which works in plural, not so much in singular, though I could see it working with females - "these are my ladies" or "my lady". "My man" has almost a misogynistic ring to it, to me; so while I appreciate the sound of it (I think it sounds possessive) in private, it sounds funny to me in public.

In places where I'm not out I usually use "dear friend" to specify him as a friend who is closer and more personal than friends in general.

I really like the term beau, but I dislike how it is pronounced, and the fact that most people don't know what it means offhand. If I'm just writing as opposed to speaking I might use it. Similarly, SO is neat shorthand, but clunky to say "significant other" and it sounds somewhat distancing.

Finally, I have always liked the use of "fiance/e" to indicate one whom one would get married to if it were legal (ie when same sex couples use it, or if for example Morp and I ended up in that level of commitment, since I'm already legally married to Guy) in addition to for one whom one will get married to; as it quickly conveys the level of 'seriousness/intimacy/entanglement' of the relationship.
 
When I refer to them in plural I just say "my men", which works in plural, not so much in singular, though I could see it working with females - "these are my ladies" or "my lady". "My man" has almost a misogynistic ring to it, to me; so while I appreciate the sound of it (I think it sounds possessive) in private, it sounds funny to me in public.

When I talk about the two of them, I frequently refer to GG and Maca as "the guys".
In an odd twist "the boys" refers to my two grandsons.
"The girls" refers to the two sisters I regular babysat the last 12 years.

(obviously the three sets are all unrelated to one another; but it seems simple in my mind when there is a duo to do that...)
"The kids" generally refers to all of the kids I claim (which includes the grandsons and the girls as well as my 3 bio, 1 step and 1 godson).
But "my kids" refers to the 5 (3 bio, 1 step and 1 godson) in some circles and in other circles it includes whichever kids are currently present with me...

:) So convoluted!

Of course Maca is "My M" most of the time in OUR conversations and when I talk to family about him he's M or a special name his dad and I use. With the kids he's "dad" or "daddy" in conversation and when I am talking to the boys I refer to him as "papa".
GG is M'ebe in OUR conversations. His given name when I'm talking to someone who knows him. If they don't know him he could be my boyfriend or my best friend or my partner depending on the context. I'm never closeted about our romantic relationship, but all three of those labels fits-so I use them interchangably and so does he. And when introducing his OTHER best friend I introduce him as GG's "other best friend Getsui"... The kids all call him different things. The oldest calls him N'uncle. The youngest calls him "MY GG" and never forgets the "my" in front of it. She's very particular about that. The middle kids call him uncle.
When OTHER people find that bizarre (after hearing them refer to him as uncle and knowing he is my lover) I simply point out to them that I don't pigeon hole the kids into labeling their loved ones based upon MY relationship to them.

Ok-that was meandering. :)
 
In fetish/bdsm circles I tend to refer to Guy as my Master, and Morp as my Dom (even though Morp considers himself more of a switch or kinkster and being called a dom is not exactly his cup of tea; he's dominant with me so it's as close to accurate as I can get in one word).

Just to be a pedant... if he's your Dom, or even sorta, then wouldn't he get the final word over what you call him? Seems like a dominant saying "don't call me your Dom" and then you doing it anyway is the epitome of disregarding the power exchange...
 
Just to be a pedant... if he's your Dom, or even sorta, then wouldn't he get the final word over what you call him? Seems like a dominant saying "don't call me your Dom" and then you doing it anyway is the epitome of disregarding the power exchange...

This is true. I relayed your comment to him, and he agreed with you.

However, when I asked what he preferred me to refer to him as, he said I should refer to him as whatever I was most comfortable with. I said I was comfortable with Dom, but I would stop if he preferred. He said no, it's fine. (Sigh.) It's a new relationship, he's new at this, and so... sometimes I'm at a loss.
 
Sometimes as a Dominant-there are things that you really don't care about. But it's still important to accept (as the submissive) that it's still their RIGHT to specify-if they so desire.
If he doesn't desire, that's okie dokie. But- good for you to keep in mind, that it is HIS preference as the Dom, not yours. ;)


THAT SAID-and I say it with ALL due respect;
the bottom line is that NONE of us have a say so in your D/s relationship. :)
One of my big pet peeves as a Mistress, is other people suggesting to my slave how he "should" or "should not" do this that or the other thing. It's not their place.

(not to be confused with the post above-it wasn't saying how you should or shouldn't-it was just expressing an observed apparent contradiction)

So be aware, if you are naturally submissive especially, of people who may try to tell you how to submit. Because it's not their place.
;)
 
I have to agree with that. Just because you're submissive to your dom doesn't mean complete strangers have any right to be dominant towards you. They're your equal and your dom's equal at the same time, because there are no agreed BDSM dynamics at play when it's random people, or even friends you're just not involved with that way.

It bothers me when people meet a dom and a sub, and think they have the right to disrespect the sub. Shows what kind of people they are, really.
 
LovingRadiance - that's a good point and something to keep in mind. If he wants it a certain way, it should be that certain way, but if he doesn't have a preference, that's fine too.

I do have something of a tendency to be pedantic regarding BDSM things just because I've been reading/researching it for the last 15-20 years, and he's just starting to explore something he's not all that familiar with (as far as the history, the terminology, etc) and so I tend to try to correct him probably more than I should. (It's just, he naturally behaves like a dominant with me, ie, if he tells me something, he expects me to obey.) So, like I said to SchrodingersCat, I'm a little bit at a loss when I want to label something and he's not real keen on the label because it doesn't necessarily mean the same thing to him that it means to me. But, then, not keen doesn't really translate into 'don't do it' for him. So... I guess I'll just keep using Dom since he doesn't mind, until or unless he decides otherwise.

To both LovingRadiance and Tonberry - that is an issue I have, acting submissive when it isn't necessarily warranted. And lately, not acting submissive enough when it is warranted. But that's another topic.
 
Silly side terminology...

Say you're married and have a partner outside of wedlock.
You're spouse's parents are your "inlaws"
Which makes you're partner's parents your "outlaws" hehe!

Not that you would ever call them that to their faces...or that parents really need to know what's going on...but somehow even my 87 year old grandma instinctively knows to introduce my man as my "friend" and not my "boyfriend."

We mostly use "friend" or "partner" in public because we work together and we try to separate our private and professional lives ("partner" often takes on the sense of business partner and since we're in the entertainment business it's better for business if audiences think that both single).

However I'm not fond of "partner" on a personal level because I want something that's not so neutral, I want to expresses my femininity and his masculinity. We never use "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" because to us those terms implied exclusivity. Also if we're out at a bar and he's trying to flirt with a pretty girl and someone swings up and accidentally calls me his "girlfriend" then pretty girl gets all confused and is afraid to flirt back...

Haven't really found the best labels yet. Some that don't really apply to me but that may be fun:

Flame
Steady
Beau
Valentine
Beloved
Dear
Amor
Darling
King/Prince
Queen/Princess
 
Oh and I've noticed a lot of mixed feelings to the whole "primary" / "secondary" usage. Most of the consensus being that people don't like referring to anyone as "secondary", but that the labels are indeed useful in describing the technicalities of the relationship...

I would find it helpful to think of "primary" and "secondary" as describing the RELATIONSHIP, not the PEOPLE.

When two people have intimate feelings for eachother, a third entity is created that is separate from the two individuals. When 3 people are in a relationship there are two, perhaps three of these 3rd entities. Practically one may be given more importance over the other. This does not mean that one person is given more importance than another, just that that relationship, that 3rd entity, is given priority.

In all areas of life, knowing your priorities is important. Is your health a priority? Is your work a priority? Both are important and part of your overall happiness, but you want to arrange your life so your health is not going to get in the way of your work and vice versa.
 
Oh and I've noticed a lot of mixed feelings to the whole "primary" / "secondary" usage. Most of the consensus being that people don't like referring to anyone as "secondary", but that the labels are indeed useful in describing the technicalities of the relationship...

I would find it helpful to think of "primary" and "secondary" as describing the RELATIONSHIP, not the PEOPLE.

When two people have intimate feelings for eachother, a third entity is created that is separate from the two individuals. When 3 people are in a relationship there are two, perhaps three of these 3rd entities. Practically one may be given more importance over the other. This does not mean that one person is given more importance than another, just that that relationship, that 3rd entity, is given priority.

In all areas of life, knowing your priorities is important. Is your health a priority? Is your work a priority? Both are important and part of your overall happiness, but you want to arrange your life so your health is not going to get in the way of your work and vice versa.

I think it's more than being about 'priorities' for me.~

I just don't desire a schedule in my love life, I have enough schedules and rules with my job in the military: it's nice to just come home from that to the opposite of that with every one just doing what they feel.~

Love,

ColorsWolf
 
My wife and I consider her other partner her boyfriend. I also consider him as an actual friend as well.
 
My wives!

:) It's always been my wives, unless I was dating one then it was gf, but since we've been out it's wives, and they call me their husband!
Btw, it sort of ticks me off, I can call the ladies my gf's, mistresses, even my purple dinosaurs and nobody gets excited, but if I move the letters around and call them my wives, ppl around us go insane.
>
It's always been the wife and gf when I introduce people. But we're moving into "these are my wives." It's amusing to watch people's faces as they realize I'm not joking. LOL
 
:) It's always been my wives, unless I was dating one then it was gf, but since we've been out it's wives, and they call me their husband!
Btw, it sort of ticks me off, I can call the ladies my gf's, mistresses, even my purple dinosaurs and nobody gets excited, but if I move the letters around and call them my wives, ppl around us go insane.
>

Usually whenever people get upset at anything to do with Marriage at all of OTHER people, it is because they themselves have a secret desire they are suppressing.~

For example, they might be thinking, "Damn, I really want two Wives, but what would people think of me?" or "I want to Marry a Man, but I'm afraid to admit that since I am a Man myself, what would people think of me?"~

It almost always comes down to, "but what would people think of me?": often people are afraid to be themselves because they are afraid of other people and how they might be treated.~

I call the people that I love and who love me to my "Lovers", because I like that word and I am using it properly.~ Any one who thinks this word automatically has negative connotations no matter who uses it is an ignorant person, an uneducated person, or is a fool to me.~
 
Last edited:
Usually whenever people get upset at anything to do with Marriage at all of OTHER people, it is because they themselves have a secret desire they are suppressing.

Just curious - is your conclusion based on empirical evidence / life experience, or more from reading / research / an intellectual exercise?
 
Just curious - is your conclusion based on empirical evidence / life experience, or more from reading / research / an intellectual exercise?

Just outside observations.~
 
Back
Top