Starting my poly life

I've also decided that perhaps telling J immediately might not be the best approach... I'm going to take my vacation and enjoy it, and I'm going to tell her how I feel in person after I get back. I want her to see that I am happy for her, not to have to wonder if I'm just saying the words if I write to her.
 
After a couple of days of feeling somewhat better... my mood has crashed again.

I'm just feeling like a complete and utter failure right now. A failure at making my feelings known to J, a failure to Tonberry as a husband... I can't even do the laundry right... just feeling completely useless today and like the world would be better off if I wandered of somewhere and became a hermit.

I can't even llok after my cats right, I just stepped on one and now he won't come near me... :(
 
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It's okay, we'll get over it. Just need to be patient and work at it.
I do think your decision not to tell J until we're back was a bad one though. It felt like you kept finding excuses not to tell her, and postponing more and more until now you've decided not to tell her until after we're back.
I really wish you had told her right away, or the next day, at least given her a call before the trip. I really feel it's going to ruin our whole vacation now, that you left everything hanging instead of solving them beforehand. I feel it has started to ruin it already. And I hate that you gave up instead of telling her you liked her. Now she won't have the whole week to make it less awkward, and she'll be much more invested in her new relationship instead of it just being "that guy she just met on a dating site". Even if she would have given you a chance, now it's going to be too late.

On my end, I was very much looking forward to this trip with the two of us, until yesterday.
I was getting closer and closer to Rag again, after we had a hurtful argument (I talk about it in this post of a blog I've just started) and as I told him I thought we had a great relationship and couldn't wait to spend a week alone with him, he started making hurtful comments again and pushing me away.

Right now I'm feeling like every time I make myself vulnerable for him and take a step towards him, he uses it to hurt me and step back. It makes me feel terrible, because he's acting exactly like my parents used to and that stressed me out extremely. Earlier I went to snuggle him in bed and then had to leave because I was getting worried he would start punching me if he woke up.
I realise it's a silly worry, he'd never hurt me. Yet that's what he's been doing emotionally: I go to snuggle him (telling him how I enjoy his company, that I had a good day, that I'm looking forward to more time together) and he punches me in the face (makes hurtful comments). Then he resents me for avoiding him, but how could I not?
I'm hoping talking about it here will help, as there are many people here I trust, and since we both frequent this forum you will get to hear both sides of the story, too, and we will both be able to read your comments and advice.
 
Yesterday just felt like a huge emotional setback, in pretty much all aspects of my life. I basicly sunk into an sudden, extremely deep depression, which fortunately isn't as severe today.

First... I bit the bullet and sent the email to J. She'll know how I feel about her by the time I get home from my vacation.

As for the rest, it seems like a huge number of smaller issues snowballed until they became one absolutely huge issue. I'm hoping the vacation will help, because for the sake of my sanity I need to get out of this town for a while. A small town in the middle of nowhere of less than 6000 for two people who never learned to drive isn't exactly conductive to long term sanity, and yes, we are planning on moving, hopefully next year as soon as Tonberry's immigration status is finalized.
Unfortunately, where we're living is the town where I grew up, which makes it all too easy to fall into old patterns and ruts, which is exactly what I think happened. I need to learn to recognize them for what they are and avoid them, and while I do think I'm slowly getting better I still have a long way to go.
 
I should also mention that Lumpy, the cat previously mentioned, wasn't hurt and quickly forgave me for the accident last night.
 
We also talked about things and I'm feeling much better about the vacation once again. I think we'll have a good time and it will be good for both of us. Also, as much as I'm going to miss Sean, I think that will be good too as sometimes I feel I need to miss people, and being over each other too much can become a problem... Especially online.
When living together you can be doing different things (one person reading, the other watching TV, for instance) and still be "together" (in the same room, talking every so often, etc), while online you tend to have to focus on the talking, so I feel you get overcrowded faster, in a way? Like, when you're together, you can't really decide to take a walk together or anything like that, you're stuck in front of the computer...

I'm not even sure what my point is anymore, but I feel it will be good to get out of town, and also to see Sean less, so that I get a chance to miss him, but also a chance to do things without him and tell him about them.
I guess sometimes I just feel like going away from some people so I can appreciate them more when I come back. That must sound silly, but it works for me.
 
@Ragabash - Man, I feel for you so much. I know exactly what you mean about feeling envious of your wife, but not her boyfriend.

I wish I had words of wisdom to offer you, but the best I can do is say I relate.
 
Tonberry and I are back from vacation now, but it will take a bit of time to catch up on everything though. I heard back from J, she's not interested in any sort of relationship beyond being friends and coworkers. While it doesn't exactly make me happy, it's not unexpected and I can live with that.

In the meantime, we had a great vacation, but it's good to be home.
 
I'm in a weird place. It's hard to see my husband being just-friended, I want to go to J and tell her what she's missing. Part of me is upset with her for sending all the wrong signals, acting like she was interested in him, and in the end not being interested at all. Another part doesn't want to be upset with someone who is so important to my husband.
Yet another part feels guilty that I have been so lucky in love when he hasn't. Had he started dating J, it would be balanced and fair. But now, I have a husband, a boyfriend, and they've BOTH been just-friended by the other person they were interested in. I feel like I shouldn't be that happy when they aren't. On the other hand, I also want to support them both. It makes me so mad that people don't seem to see them as the wonderful men they are.
And then, yet another part is getting a bit stressed out that they both have only me to depend on. I wish I could share that responsibility with another woman in their lives. I wish I had an "accomplice". I'm worried I'm not going to be able to help both of them and take care of myself at the same time.

I really wish things had been different. There isn't much I can do, of course. And it's getting a bit better, and it will get even better, I know that, but still, it's sad.
 
I'm in a weird place. It's hard to see my husband being just-friended, I want to go to J and tell her what she's missing. Part of me is upset with her for sending all the wrong signals, acting like she was interested in him, and in the end not being interested at all. Another part doesn't want to be upset with someone who is so important to my husband.
Yet another part feels guilty that I have been so lucky in love when he hasn't. Had he started dating J, it would be balanced and fair. But now, I have a husband, a boyfriend, and they've BOTH been just-friended by the other person they were interested in. I feel like I shouldn't be that happy when they aren't. On the other hand, I also want to support them both. It makes me so mad that people don't seem to see them as the wonderful men they are.
And then, yet another part is getting a bit stressed out that they both have only me to depend on. I wish I could share that responsibility with another woman in their lives. I wish I had an "accomplice". I'm worried I'm not going to be able to help both of them and take care of myself at the same time.

I really wish things had been different. There isn't much I can do, of course. And it's getting a bit better, and it will get even better, I know that, but still, it's sad.

For God's sake don't feel guilty that two men who like eachother love you!!!! It is a blessing, a gift. Lucky girl.:) As far as Rag's J, it is best that before anything progressed between them that she realized poly isn't for her, and she would rather remain friends. The signals may just have been as you said- interest, but maybe she is self-aware and just can't get into the idea of poly for herself. Friend isn't a bad word. At least there is genuine caring going on.
 
You're right, I need to look at the positives. Of course I'm incredibly lucky and shouldn't feel guilty... But it's human I think. I imagine two best friends who do everything together, and one of them meets someone and the other doesn't, suddenly it isn't "balanced" or "symmetrical" anymore, you know what I mean?
I also feel I'm hoarding all the luck :p

You're right that it's good J was honest about where she stands. It's better than having to deal with a messy situation later, and of course having a friend is a good thing, and she's a very nice person, so I should focus on that.

Thank you for giving me a different perspective :)
 
You're right, I need to look at the positives. Of course I'm incredibly lucky and shouldn't feel guilty... But it's human I think. I imagine two best friends who do everything together, and one of them meets someone and the other doesn't, suddenly it isn't "balanced" or "symmetrical" anymore, you know what I mean?
I also feel I'm hoarding all the luck :p

You're right that it's good J was honest about where she stands. It's better than having to deal with a messy situation later, and of course having a friend is a good thing, and she's a very nice person, so I should focus on that.

Thank you for giving me a different perspective :)

You shouldn't feel like you're the only one who Sean and I have to look to for support either, because you're forgetting that Sean and I are friends now who can commiserate with someone else who gets it.
I can understand why you feel upset with J, though, even though I hope the two of you will still be friends. Maybe she didn't realise that she was sending all those signals, or maybe as MG said she realised in the end that poly isn't for her. Either way, she's a good friend and I'll be okay in the end. Hopefully some day I'll meet someone else who is more poly-friendly or poly-curious, but until then I'm very happy I have you in my life, and I'm happy that you have Sean in your life too.
 
You're right, I need to look at the positives. Of course I'm incredibly lucky and shouldn't feel guilty... But it's human I think. I imagine two best friends who do everything together, and one of them meets someone and the other doesn't, suddenly it isn't "balanced" or "symmetrical" anymore, you know what I mean?
I

Yes I know what you mean by balance. I think RP talks about that in her blog. Finding that balance and always trying to balance everyone's happiness, meeting needs. A legit worry for your loves. Very loving women!;) But hell yeah you are hoggin the luck...throw some this way!:p
 
I've been dealing with some issues with Ragabash lately. It's a mix of a lot of things: how he took my finally seeing Sean (he's been much less confident since I've come back, and as a result I'm less drawn to being intimate with him), how he took J's rejection (once again, loss of self-confidence, sadness, etc), and some underlying issue we've both had for years (depression, anxiety, stress... On various levels we've both had both. I'd say he's more heavily into the depression aspect, I'm more heavily into the stress aspect).

Bottom line is, there have been some tensions between us. I keep wanting to have sex with him, but being put off because he seems so miserable most of the time. And when he does feel a bit better and I start to relax and trust him again, he gets more sexually aggressive than I would like and it goes down to zero.

We've had similar issues for years, and it's always a vicious cycle (not having sex with me causes him to be depressed, his being depressed causes me not to want sex with him). Fortunately, and that's why I'm posting about it now, I feel it's going to be better soon.
First, he seems to recognise he has a problem with depression and want to work on that, which is very good. He took an appointment with a GP, which is a good step if he follows through (it will be like at least the fifth appointment taken in order for him to find a therapist, and so far we're still at point zero after a year and a half).
And the other thing, that I was hesitant to talk about because I don't want it to cause my husband to feel more down... Sean has been helping me a lot.
Before, for the five years we've been together (well, really, the last three years or so. That's when he started having anxiety attacks that stressed me out, and other procrastination issues caused me to lose trust in him and not want to be intimate as much) I always felt all alone in that. Who could I turn to? I talked to my girlfriends, but their advice was always to leave him, and I never wanted to do that. Ragabash is my husband for a reason, and I want to work through these issues. But I know I can't tackle it on my own anymore, it's been too draining for my own health.
But now, I feel I can talk to Sean, because he's genuinely interested in our happiness. He wants our relationship to succeed. He wants both Raga and me to be happy and healthy.

It really helps me to talk to him about it, although I told him yesterday, I felt bad that for the past month or so, it's pretty much the only thing we've talked about. I guess problems in a relationship do spread to all the others, but the thing is, it didn't drive Sean and me apart. I didn't create a drain on our relationship. It brought us closer, and brought me closer to Raga as well.
Because I have someone to talk to who comforts me and helps me, I'm stronger to face the next struggle we face. And I think now we're finally able to make progress rather than getting further and further down.

And ultimately, I realise it's not a problem in our relationship (I mean Raga's and mine). It's problems we have individually. If we can work on ourselves separately it will be a big help. I feel we can't help each other because the way we work causes us to make the other feel worse (the vicious cycle I mentioned earlier).

We also picked up a nice book about anxiety and phobias. I've been following its advice and feeling much more calm and relaxed, I'm thinking it will help us a lot (we both have numerous anxiety problems as well as phobias).

It's hard to know the line with oversharing, but I trust people here, and I feel confident talking about my relationship with Raga considering he can post here at any time, too. I'd be leery of talking to people if I knew they were only getting one half of a story (mine) instead of the whole picture. Here at least you can get the whole picture, since it's equally my and Raga's blog.
 
Okay, I'm going to put my point of view on, although Tonberry is largely correct in her interpretation of what happened, except for a few key points.

The first is that my self-confidence didn't get lower as a result of her seeing Sean in person for the first time, that blow came later in a stress-fueled conversation that I've been told I misinterpreted. However, what ended up happening did seem like it was confirming my fears about entering into poly, that I would end up being the provider of emotional in financial support, but when it comes to physical needs I would be left out in the cold.

The second is that I have recognized for a long time that I have a problem with depression, but an event that occurred over the weekend finally drove it home for me so that I finally recognized that I can't handle it by myself, and that I have to finally face my fears and get therapy.

I'm also happy to say that I'm relieved that Tonberry has Sean to talk to, because he's close enough to care but not right in the middle of the situation, so it doesn't make me depressed or jealous.


I may post more later, but right now I can barely think, it's been a long night.
 
You're right, you didn't get depressed right after I came back. First I was the one who felt down because upon my return I learned that my interest was moving across the country and I wouldn't be able to see him when I spent a month with Sean (they were coworkers), and possibly lose contact with him.
So I was feeling down about that for a bit, and I guess that's how our vicious circle started this time.

I'm not sure why it slipped my mind, then again the few days after I heard about it, I was feeling like my brain was the blue screen of death :p I guess I had blocked that out or something.
 
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