My icky can of worms lol

absolutely

I hear you loud & clear :)
I know from your original post that you're struggling with some blockages there and it's sad from the reasons you offered.
I think RedPep had some detailed sage advice a couple posts back too.

Quote:
"I would suggest perhaps using your cuddle time to move forward into moving that feeling into sexual times.... perhaps if you ask him not to have his own agenda at all in your love making for an occasion. "....etc

Are you familiar with Tantra at all ? If not might be worth at least checking out.

But this is/was one of the "buckets" I was referring to. We kind of refer to it as "spiritual sex". That state of complete joining when you literally become one entity. No separateness. Each feeling all the other feels. The same thoughts. The fact that you are even having sex becomes lost !
I'm not sure that's something you can reach for - try for - although Tantric practice is intended to refute exactly that opinion. I tend to think it just "happens". Happens during a state of "openness" which I read is just a hard place for you to get to. And maybe it's as hard for him albeit for different reasons.
There's a lot to be said for living in that state of "openness" - all day - every day. Is there some risk involved ? Yes - I suppose so. But with practice - especially awareness practice - it becomes evident that the risk is worth the gain.
I hope you can work towards that - being open -with awareness - to life around you. The rest will follow :)
 
I also wanted to add that my fiance is extremely giving and rarely ever expects anything in return. His satisfaction comes from giving. So this will be extremely helpful through this process.
 
Ceoli, from your personal experience do you think that the self protect mode on seperating the emotional and physical can be completely overcome or do I need to reduce my expectations somewhat to protect myself from feeling defective and damaged again, if I can't connect on that level everytime.

Sorry, you weren't asking me, but I have something to say about it if that is okay...

That seperating oneself in terms of emotional and physical can totally be gotten over and not only that can become a very useful tool in many ways once its harnessed. It is a protection method after all. We used it to protect ourselves. Its just not useful in terms of those who love us and wouldn't purposely hurt us. It keeps me from internalizing many things and makes a space in my head for thought in situations where I am stuck and need to get out. It takes practice and patience, but I actually have grown to appriciate that it is part of my character and is part of how I have been shaped. Its nothing to be down on myself for, its the total opposite for me now as I have proven to myself and others its worth.
 
Sex is a form of communication for me, not just an activity....

Opening up with that level of trust takes you to a higher plane...

Amen to that! I don't know if it's just me, but connecting with people feeds me. On all levels. Having sex with someone that I feel a very deep connection with can be incredibly overwhelming. The spiritual and physical connection, the silent communication that happens between eyes. I often cry afterwards because it's so intense.
 
Redpepper, that's exactly what I want to explore. Connecting with him beforehand and trying to maintain it while being physical and if I lose that connection stop the physical part and reconnect emotionally again. I think it will take a lot of time as well, but I am excited of the possibility of success.

It would be wonderful to be a fly on the wall and see someone else in this vunerable state and witness the outcome. Speaking about all of this has me envisioning this happening to myself and the biggest think I notice is that the vision of it triggers thoughts of vunerability and is this something I will feel safe in. So I see that this will be a very sensitive issue for me to overcome. That will take a lot of trust in myself. I do trust him with my safety. Its my emotional health that I question. Its scary to think of breaking down and releasing that pain while being physical and what he will think of me during this. I have a strong feeling that I may react that way at first because stepping over that line I've drawn all these years and not even knowing it was there could very well be extremely overwhelming.

I think that as we work on our communication skills I will be able to find the words to explain how delicate this will be for me. My biggest fear is my self defense mechanism has always been to lash out and push away when I feel too vunerable which would be damaging for the both of us. So this is something I need to look deeper into before I am ready to try to merge the two.

What he will think, if he truly loves you, is what a beautiful gift I am being given by this incredible woman that I love. I will give her the gift back of my love in the form of patience, compassion, empathy, and a listening ear.

You will teach him a huge lesson if he decides to learn that is. He will learn what damage people can do to one another and how strong the human spirit is to get through it. This is a valuable lesson for all of us and if your intend to build a life together it is huge in terms of raising your children and supporting one another into the future. One day you may need to support him in some way and you will be very willing to do so because he helped you. This is the nature of "depth" in relationships (which I talk about often on here) and is what brings us into adulthood. Getting over our childhood is a huge transition into adulthood if you ask me.

My husband did helped me 12 years ago now when I came out of hiding in the lesbian community for 10 years. I trusted him so much I left the protection of my community for him to help me get over the pain men had inflicted on me (that I allowed to some degree by not standing up for myself and pretending I was okay when I wasn't).

I knew our relationship could be great if I got threw my pain. It is! It taught me not to settle in anything I do in my life. I expect great depth from people and when I don't get it I graciously disappear and realize they aren't for me. Now I am lucky to of found "great" in many people and I am filled with the fullness of it all. Hard to explain really. In a nut shell? I am HAPPY. :)
 
PS. Redpepper, I totally wanted to back out of this post when I saw the turn it was taking as I typed. Its a place I didn't want to return to, but in order to grow I must face it. Not only for myself but the people I care about. I don't want to guard myself from them. I also didn't want to post this because this is a poly board and I didn't really feel that where my post turned was relevant. I am glad I took a breath and clicked post because discussing it and getting feed back is really helping me look deeper, faster than I could do on my own. Thanks everyone really, Thank you.

I was JUST saying to Maca I was glad you posted it becuase it seems SO relevant!!
 
Really!? Do you mind telling me how you think its relevant? You see I always think my own issues are irrelevant until someone explains it to me through their eyes.

Sure-polyamory in SO many ways is about improving upon ourselves to make us CAPABLE of TRULY loving other people.
Sure-the POINT of polyamory is different for everyone, but there is a common theme in that we are struggling to MAKE multiple loving relationships FUNCTION and in order to do that we really have to improve ourselves.

Also-when trying to make multiple loving relationships function we more often come up against our own b.s. issues. Being faced more often with them forces us to either get REALLY good at hiding from ourselves, or deal with them.

So here you are facing this very real issue that impacts your LOVING-ness and that is SO pertinent to what we are all doing right now in one way or another in our poly-lives.
 
My posts on here have made me weepy...

I just want you all to know that out of all the posts I have posted on these forums, the ones that I have posted on this thread are probably the most significant to me and MY journey.

I know that it is not my place to say that here, but as there is no place to say those kinds of things on here I feel a need to here... sorry Ilove2men, I hope you understand.

I am reminded of the journey I have been on and how I no longer victimize myself any more. I know I am really over something and have become who I am by something when I perceive that others will not think that I am a victim enough to respect my opinion.

Thanks for the reminder of my journey and the reminder that its over now. I fought the demons and won and I no longer have anything to say about it....

You are right LR, very relevant. It made me able to handle all that I do today and to be as strong as I am... that and numerous other things that is ;)
 
As a guy (who ,by nature, has a fix it attitude) might I suggest a video that LR and I have watched. Its called red hot massage( she got it on Amazon). The one on women genital, in particular, shows some great ways to CONNECT with each other. I found it very helpful in opening the emotional door between us.

And honestly who dosent love massages??????;)

Peace and Love
Maca
 
Whereas, when I think of sex I think of... orgasm. Now, don't get me wrong I absolutely love sex, but it feeds a physical want not an emotional need for me.

This is often exactly how i am, and your post was really helpful to me simply to know that i am not alone,

I think you are really brave for sharing what happened in your past,

i was also sexually abused from a young age, younger than i can even remember, up until my teens and it has really made sex difficult for me, i had to really work hard to enjoy sex at all, and now that i do i thought perfect iv worked it all out, im over my past,

then recently i made love to someone and i felt some kind of emotional attachment, connection, im not even sure what during sex and i realised that actually i am missing out on something big because what i did feel with him was truelly amazing and i would like to be able to feel that with all my partners

i also have abandonment issues,
and i think it can make polyamoury harder because for me when i fall in love i have a very deep sort of childish attachment that is not very logical and that i have to work really hard on so that i am able to allow the adult part of my brain figure some things out so that i can feel more secure, this not only aplies to sex but it aplies to every aspect of every relationship that i have.

The first one is easier. About how I always knew there was something different about me. I have always felt a romantic connection with more than one person at a time. I thought I was defective. This is something I am still working myself through actually. The same idea that people who were molested as a child grow up and repeat it. I thought that my urges and wants for multiple relationships was something that was caused from my experiences and that in time I would heal from it and therefore my need for multiple people would go away as well.

This is exactly how i felt, sometimes i still wonder, am i wanting more than one lover because of my past, is this some abuse issue and then i look at my life and the people that i have in it, and i think no i really do like being poly, this is a choice. Whatever led me to this path doesn't matter because the point is i am choosing to stay on this path and i am happy hear.

I crave love,
but i also have much love to give.

The second part is, I have a belief that I need to be in love with someone to have sex with them. But, as I looked harder and deeper I ask myself what exactly does this mean to me. I love my fiance with everything I have, but now I see that when we are having sex it is just a physical activity (mighty fun lol) and there is no emotional connection on my side of it.

again i have same thoughts, with my long term partner i often feel that i find it very difficult to have an emotional connection through sex. I love him, when i touch him and hug him and hold him i get that connection but with sex it almost scares me if it gets to emtional,
our sex usually ends up as passoniate, hard, and playful, but sometimes i cannot stand to be touched gently, and I too am trying hard to work through this so that I can have gentle loving sex without putting up a barrior.


I want the feeling that I get when we snuggle. It's a deep emotional trance for me. I feel the world melt away and I am safe in his arms connected to his heart. I feel as though we are one. I want to work on bringing the two together and I think I will have to do alot of digging around to figure it all out.

Honestly reading your post was kind of scary because it seems we are looking for exactly the same thing and it was just over the last few days that i started to really think and dig deep within myself in regards to this issue.

Thankyou so much for sharing becuase you sharing your experience helped me feel brave enough to share my own,

i have other serious mental health isues left over from the abuse, (that im not sure i am ready to write here because i worry to much what others will think) :( fortunatly all my partners are very understanding about this,

Jools
 
Ladyjools, trust me when I tell you I know how good it feels to know that I am not alone. It was a scary thing to press the post button and now I am so happy that I have.

Redpepper, You have no need to apologize. I am so happy that you have healed from whatever your experiences were. It always makes me smile when I think of a woman out there shedding that one thankful tear of completion. It's our warrior cry :)

And so to update, I found that connection :p It was great! It took alot of focus on my part. I had to make myself do things that I don't normally do like maintain eye contact the entire time. It also took alot of prep from my fiance as well, but he's always been very loving and gentle never rushed, so all it took was me concentrating and being accepting of it on a much deeper level.
I won't go into details out of respect for my fiance and my "friend" who also reads the forum, but doesn't post.

This is going to take some work to where I don't have to focus so hard and just come naturally, but like I said it's fun practice. Lol

Really and truly, thanks for sharing this with me.
 
mantianing eye contact is something i find really difficult,
even not during sex,
can i ask was there anything you did to help be able to do this without it being extreemly uncomfortable, i can for a while and then i feel afraid, im not sure why because logically i know none of my men are going to hurt me,

Jools
 
Basically I didn't say beforehand that eye contact was needed. When I felt the connection fading I would look inside and figure out what I needed to keep it. I asked him to open his eyes and I locked onto them and searched them. Instead of feeling invaded by his eyes I looked deeper and deeper like I was trying to see his soul through his eyes. I was so focused on gaining this connection that fear wasn't even a factor.

I think you need to dig deeper into yourself. When you are ready it won't matter that you are scared because you will know there's no reason to be scared....

I will tell you something my sister told me just this year that really and truly healed me. Something simple.... You are not that little girl anymore. You are a grown woman , strong, and wise. He can't ever ever touch the child you used to be because the woman (here) is not that child.

After she said that... never again did I shrink up into that child when I heard "his" name.
 
i remind myself all the time im not that little girl,
You seem so brave compared to me,

because of the mental health issues, sometimes i really am that little girl, (its hard to explain)

i am really lucky that i trust the men that i am with, none of them would hurt me, i am going to try to gradually build up more eye contact, maybe outside of the bedroom first,

Jools
 
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