Metamour resentful because I won't have sex with her

Tigergirl

New member
Recently, I found out that my metamour had admitted to our shared partner that she is resentful of my relationship with him because I'm not interested in having sex with her and that it makes her "unenthusiastic" for us to spend time together. Funny thing is, I'd been feeling that this was an issue for her for quite awhile, but our shared partner had always shrugged it off. However, in the months since she admitted this to him (in July) she has become increasingly negative, territorial, and aggressive both with me and with him, causing stress for everyone.

I can definitely understand how much rejection hurts, so I've been trying to be sympathetic about it long before she admitted her resentment. She had only been with our shared partner 6 months before him and I started dating (and him and I had been platonic friends who talked everyday for several months before that). While they have now been together two years (and my relationship has been a year and a half), at 32 years old she had never been in a relationship before and had never explored her curiosity about being with a woman. I had always thought she agreed to poly thinking she could finally gave those girl-girl sexy times and threesomes that she had dreamed of, and she always made it very clear that she was sexually attracted to me. On the other hand, I've had my share of relationships and sexual experiences, including relationships with women and exploring different combinations of people having sex together. I'm past my curiosity stage! I'm definitely not physically attracted to her at all, although initially I was willing to keep the idea open depending on how our rapport grew- but as I got to know her personality, she turned me off more and more. There's just nothing I really like about her, no matter how much I try- although I do remain kind and respectful to her, because that's just what you do. Our shared partner naturally would be thrilled with threesomes galore, but he has never once pushed the issue and is totally fine with my stance regarding being involved with her. He is happy having two completely separate relationships and doesn't want to force anything unnaturally, even though he actually could as this is a D/s situation where he is Owner to us both- but since he's not a jerk, he wouldn't do that.

So, now I'm left with this increasingly hostile situation on her end and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I've had people be disappointed to not get to gave sex, and have even had people be resentful and angry- but for this long?? I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her, waiting for her to lash out. I've been trying to be patient and understanding, but I'm getting understandably a bit tired of being treated shitty because I'm maintaining my boundaries. Anybody have any advice or at least some motivation towards continuing to be patient with her?
 
How often are you around her?
 
Thankfully not very often. Neither of us live with him, so it's not like we are in each other's space much. It's mostly when there is a social occasion. The most recent was New Years, as he wanted to spend time with both of us. She was passive aggressive the whole time towards both of of us which ultimately ended with her majorly lashing out then having a tear filled meltdown. This is the standard pattern of any time the three of us are together. I refuse to spend time alone with her anymore, as it initially started as just nastiness directed at me, so it was hard for him to know what to do to take action. Since she admitted her resentment, she has now started directing it at him as well, and after I'm presuming a warning from him after a major blow up in September, she has aimed most of her direct venom at him. But every time I've seen her since July (when she had a MAJOR meltdown which revealed the resentment), there has been a problem.
 
Why don't you just talk to your metamour face to face about this issue, and be honest about the fact that you are not attracted to her nor interested in a physical relationship. The two of you having this passive aggressive relationship will start to put strain on your relationship with your partner.
 
He needs to nip her behavior in the bud.

If I were in your shoes, I would refrain from being around her period. If a situation like New Years came up I would gracefully decline honestly giving your reason why.
 
Tell her in front of him that you do not want sex and her behaviour is creepy and predatory as well as obvious.
 
It sounds, to me, as if your metamour is one of those people who believes in the false notion that when people are poly, everybody should be having sex with each other. She got involved with your bf before you did, and maybe she thinks of herself as his primary and feels that if he wants poly, it's supposed to be all three of you together. Well, doesn't matter what she thinks - if you don't want to, you don't want to. Can't blame you for not being attracted to her, and she's making herself less and less attractive with her behavior.

I gotta wonder, though, if she's that selfish and so unstable that she is lashing out at him and you, why does your bf still want to be with her? If she were a guy friend of his haranguing you for sex, would he tolerate that? No, it's creepy and stalker-ish. She also sounds like she's really high maintenance and a little off her rocker. You know that saying - "Don't fuck crazy."

Anyway, if I were in your shoes, this is what I would do: I would make it very clear to my bf that I want nothing to do with her and refuse to socialize with her. I would say, "She's your gf, your headache. Do not ask me to hang out with you two again. I want no contact with her anymore. It would be an unfair imposition if you expect that from me. I have made gestures to be nice, and polite, and inclusive - but now I'm done. I'm not attracted to her, and she's made things so bad that I don't even like her much at all. I don't need the added stress and angst she causes, so I am choosing not to have her in my life. If you want to see me, see me without her, and don't relay messages from her or tell me about the problems you have with her. From now on, keep your relationships separate."

And stick to it. If she contacts you, just say, "Leave me alone, I'm not interested." Sure, you know he wants you to get along and hang together sometimes, and you want him to be happy - but you've compromised enough. There is no poly rule book that states that metamours have to be friends, even. Don't put up with high maintenance nut cases.
 
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I'll come in as devil's advocate from the other side.

I was that woman, to an extent, the one wanting the girl on girl action, and thinking that finding a woman for me and my husband to share would be just the ticket. When one comes to find out that is not the case, it can be very disappointing!

My (ex) h's gf did indicate, like you did, she'd possibly be interested in me too, turns out she wasn't. It crushed me. We'd opened our marriage after 25 years. When gf wasn't interested in me, I had a hard time standing by and seeing my h in NRE with new shiny girl.

We had a veto in place and I eventually used it, but of course, it didn't help. Just caused my h to resent me, didn't stop his feelings for gf, or hers for him.

I am not sure what you all can do about this... sounds very uncomfortable. Being poly as your first relationship, like your meta is, sounds difficult for her. Maybe she should be encouraged by her Dom bf to find a woman of her own to play with.
 
I agree with nycindie's advice.

I am also wondering, is your metamour allowed to date other men, or do they have an OPP (One Penis Policy)? I know that many D/s relationships have this agreement in place.

If she is not allowed to date/sleep with other men, only other women, and she hasn't been with a woman before, she might not feel comfortable about meeting and dating other women on her own and feel dependent on the possibility of having a partner in common with your boyfriend. And since you aren't interested in her, the situation may be effectively rendering her monogamous, or at least until her boyfriend finds another female partner who might be interested in her. I can see how this would cause her to be resentful since she clearly does not want monogamy for herself.

I could be totally off base about this, but it might be worthwhile to ask him about their agreements vis a vis other partners for her. If you yourself have an OPP with him, I'd say it's likely he has one with her as well.
 
You do not have to share sex with anyone you do not feel like sharing sex with.

She could deal with her disappointment in more appropriate ways than lashing out and you or hinge.

In your case? Seems simplest to just not be around her. Decline invitations to hang out in trio and if asked for a reason -- state her lashing out behavior has made it uncomfortable for you and you would rather just skip it. You are done. You could ask your hinge to not bring his OSO problems to your door -- you are DONE here. If he presses you, you could consider being done with him.

Should you bump into each other on the street, if she does lash out? Speak up.

"No. You may not lash out at me. You may find appropriate ways to handle your disappointment that I will not share sex with you." Then remove yourself from the space she is in.

Play the broken record -- you do not have to be silent.

Since she lashes out at hinge? Hinge himself could evaluate if he wants to keep this relationship or let it go.

You are doing nothing wrong in maintaining your boundaries. Again, you do NOT have to share sex with anyone you do not want to.

Galagirl
 
Thanks to all for your feedback. I appreciate it!

@MsChristy: I have politely told her to her face that I'm not interested. She acted like that was how she felt as well...but was apparently lying.

@Dagferi and Inyourendo: once he started seeing it for himself, he has done a good job of at least trying to keep her negative behaviors directed at him instead of me. He also respects my desire to not be around her and knows why.

@london: that's a thought. I've told her, I've told him- but we honestly don't communicate as a group. Mostly when asked to communicate, she lies about her feelings. I've tried to make the group communication thing happen, but every time, she just has a meltdown before we can even get to talking.

@nycindie: I think you hit the nail on the head a bit- I think she DID see herself as his primary initially, although it was always discussed as us being co-primaries. What it has evolved to is my more filling a "girlfriend" role while she has a more intense, more structured D/s relationship with him- she doesn't even refer to him as her boyfriend, and has told me that she is uncomfortable using that term. (There is a power exchange in my relationship with him as well with him as the Dominant partner, but our relationship is more relaxed, playful, and affectionate than theirs is. She denies that she wants that for her own situation, but becomes upset and territorial when she sees us being affectionate.). I do know a major part of her appeal to him is that she is a hardcore masochist. (I'm not at all.) For the BDSM part of their relationship, this works well. I also think that he feels responsible for her, and I do appreciate that he is committed enough in his relationships that he has been trying to give her time to work through this (as long as he is doing his best to protect me and our relationship from her behavior, which he is). I genuinely don't think he realized how unstable she was initially- she is VERY good at her manipulative and passive aggressive behaviors PLUS he tends towards a slight case of White Knight syndrome. I have told him pretty much what you suggested- that he is in charge of handling his own relationships, but that means he can't let her stress our relationship because of her issues. I know she has complained to him about my lack of contact with her, but too bad for her!

@Magdlyn and Scarletzinnia: there is no OPP in place. She identifies as polyamorous and bicurious, but has not chosen to pursue any other potential partners. I do agree that her looking for a female partner for herself might alleviate some of the issue. I identify as mono romantic and poly sexual (and pan sexual)- I learned from past experience that I can only really be in love with one person at a time, although I can have other sexual partners who I love but am not in love with. I told him of this prior to us starting our relationship. He has chosen not to have any other partners currently, as he has more than enough commitments already. We have recently begun talking about co-topping together for BDSM play on a very casual level to see how that goes- we are still in the just talking about it stages to make sure we are completely on the same page. Either my metamour or myself are welcome to date or have other BDSM partners, provided we handle it respectfully and honestly. He does admit he doesn't love the idea of his partners having other partners, particularly male partners, but he also doesn't want to restrict us based on his own insecurities. He prefers being fair about things and dealing with his own feelings as they pop up, should one of his partners choose to date others.
 
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