Long Term Poly Relationship Goals?

still working on complete compersion first.

Compersion seems to have fallen into our lap to a large degree...it's the external stuff that we are navigating a bit more cautiously in regards to our future. There is Redpepper's primary extended family to consider, the welfare of her child first and foremost. The beauty is the external stuff does not take away from our love and commitment. We are growing constantly and need to be patient and respectful to the health of others that will be impacted now.

It's nice to move away from the internal struggles for sure though. There is a security and almost team sense of showing people how healthy and possible this is. To us it just seems so natural:)

I think there may even be a little analyasis from other poly friends we have in watching us realize some of our goals and wondering if the aquiring is as good as the desiring...it's not always about the chase:)
 
Aquiring is as good in IMO.......desire is the appetizer, aquire the main course and long term happiness the dessert......so happy for you that compersion has fallen into your lap....we are still working toward that. Hopefully it arrives soon!
 
SK, even though we three are not yet "all in" on the same page with the "V", I can tell you living under the same roof with the two women you want to share the rest of your life with is something very special.

I must admit I am a tad jealous.... although I think in our case we should not rush... the time will come when it comes and it will be god for all of us. I don't think my husband is ready for that kind of change.
 
Redpepper, thanks but looking back on it I don't think my wife was completely honest with herself at the time of our 3rd moving in with us, but due to other circumstances at the time, we had no other option. Perhaps that is why my wife is still struggling with gaining compersion now even though we three are such a good fit for each other? It's probably better if your husband absorbs the idea at his own pace and makes the decision easy for you and Mono. As you say, it's a work in progress.....my wife likes to say that even though we're all living together, it's still an "engagement" period. The rings will come later, when she's ready.
 
It's probably better if your husband absorbs the idea at his own pace and makes the decision easy for you and Mono. As you say, it's a work in progress.....my wife likes to say that even though we're all living together, it's still an "engagement" period. The rings will come later, when she's ready.

yes, I kind of wondered if perhaps it was fast when you said it had been since the new year that you three had changed the status of your relationship. I know you have all known each other for many years, but I considered that perhaps that didn't make it any easier. I hope that you are able to ride it out for now, the intensity must be difficult sometimes if you are all under the same roof. I know we here need our down time away from each other in order to think things out and check in with ourselves. Being always together would make that difficult.

I think about the basic things when I think about all living together. Mono is a keener when it comes to fixing things and I wouldn't want ot him to start in on that here.... we are both not and there is a lot to do... that kind of thought process. We would have to have a long talks about expectations around so many things. yes, I think that can all wait for now as I am enjoying having another home to be at and my time just with my married family at the moment.
 
yes, I think that can all wait for now as I am enjoying having another home to be at and my time just with my married family at the moment.

There's also the little issue of parking for my secondary:D
Things are progressing just fine Love...absolutely fine.
 
Redpepper voila!....., I think you've hit the nail squarely on the head. I am a concrete person. I know what I like when I see it. I do what I need to do in life. And I do it now. I didn't realize what a monkey wrench I'd thrown into our relationship or the effect it would have. The familiarity and the long term friendship of us 3 has made it easier, perhaps too easy and that has made me feel that we could move along at a much faster pace than most. I haven't been able to appreciate the "engagement period" because I didn't really see the need for one. But I guess you are right. Some aspects of this need to move slower and I have to be able to accept that, even though it makes no sense to me, the logical, practical one.
 
Yes parking! We have a two car garage and now 3 cars! My wife is granfathered in automatically. I left it being whichever one of us other two gets home first, gets the other spot! I ain't gonna add on another garage just cause I added on another love! lol:D
 
Wow, this is something to think about! Good responses so far, everyone.

I never liked the "dating scene" and I suppose you could call me, up to this point, a serial monogamist. I prefer being in a relationship then just dating. Although as a growing person, I'm willing to make exceptions as long as it stays within the agreed boundaries.

I think I would prefer a triad, perhaps even a house sharing triad. I would love for both of my men to be "Primaries" although that kinda goes against the meaning of the word, but that is how I feel about both of them.

Emphasis is mine. My fiance and I are definitely not keen on the dating scene, although he's had much more experience than I have. I tend to date my friends and have never actually been on a first date!

We, too, are interested in a triad. A V arrangement would not be suitable for either of us. We are not looking into polyamory for multiple partners or to form an open marriage... I believe poly-fidelity is the term for what we're looking for?

He is heterosexual, and I have no desire to add more men into my life. I am wishing to explore my bisexuality and find the idea of a girlfriend very exciting, emotionally as well as sexually. (More so emotionally, though!) My fiance is my best friend, yes, but he is a man and fundamentally there are just some things we cannot share. I think fondly of what nice experience it would be to have another woman in my life that I feel as strongly for as I do for him.
 
You can always be a "polyfidelitous" V with you, your finace and another woman if you should be lucky enough to find the right individual and your fiance is able to blend her into the relationship and love her as you do, and vice-versa. Polyfidelity would mean you and your other two (fiance and other woman) would be monogomous only to your group. Are you looking for many sexual partners or only to maintain a strict monogomous relationship with your fiance and another woman? And them likewise with you?
 
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Yes, all three of us in the group committed to each other and the "marriage" of our three hearts...

By a V being unsuitable I mean that my being the only recipient of a dual relationship. (I would expect she and him to also be intimate, and for all the of us to do likewise... sharing the same bed, going on dates, etc. although sometimes it might be just us ladies or just him and her or me and him)

Ideally we would function as a trio and a triad as much as possible... everyone is sexually attractive/active and emotionally connected. Keeping the triangle equilateral would be a major concern. We don't want our marriage to be seen as the "primary" relationship, but I know it is difficult. I am willing to work for this because the pay off is just so worth it, you know?

This is all still so new to me it is hard to articulate it!
 
Hey A......you articulate it fine. We all have our dreams and best scenerios in mind. Here's hoping you achieve yours.
 
Hi every one ..want to do a little self analysis?

Lots of love for everyone, Mono.

Nice idea!


Are you looking for a specific structure such as Quad, triad or V.

No, I never have been. I am just looking for the freedom to love those who I love, and allow that to naturally find its space and build it's own path. Using the descriptions I see others use here, I am the middle point in a V at the moment, with an secondary, more causal, partner as well. I would love my V to be a triad (a new feeling for me!). The V has potential for being an M, or a longer string. I don't normally use these labels, as in my circle (which is what I call it normally) there is a fair bit of overlap, in that we are all family, all hang out together and also indulge in some lower level intimate stuff together sometimes ;-)

Are you looking for numerous secondaries without a desire for forming a life long primary relationship?

No

Are you looking for polyfidelity in a family integrated level relationship within a specific structure?

No I am looking for us all to be allowed to naturally form any loving relationships we are lucky enough to come across.

Do you want to be a secondary to others?

That is find with me buit I don't seek it. I tend not to use primary/secondary labels as I hate hierarchies and also do not live with any of my partners. If I did I would probably consider whoever lived with me a primary. In this circumstance right now, the only way to describe it would be that I have two primaries (but I suspect this makes a mockery of the language!)

These are all questions that have answers that may evolve as we change as individuals but what about your expectations today?

For me, I am 17 years in now, and my intention has always been the same and I am openminded about structure and try not to set myself any rules apart from the obvious ones about integrity, honesty,compassion, etc - I think all relationships are unique and want to leave room for that. How I practice polyamoury however, has changed a lot over the years and I am loving the more family like structure I have had in recent years, compared to my 'very separate relationships' model of the past.

De
 
I don't have any goals in terms of relationships. Hmm. I have some goals in terms of finding someplace I want to settle in permanently and what sort of things I want to be able to do (in terms of music performance and such). I just don't have any expectations for how many romantic relationships or what form they'll take.
 
Instead of goals, I have a hope that I will grow and evolve, positively, in my capacity to share, love, trust, open with others, experience joy.... So the focus is on myself, my capacities, and not on others so much.
 
Instead of goals, I have a hope that I will grow and evolve, positively, in my capacity to share, love, trust, open with others, experience joy.... So the focus is on myself, my capacities, and not on others so much.

This sounds much like myself too. I do however hold some hope that there IS someone special out there that is who I am meant to be with. I look forward to the day they come into my life.
 
I do however hold some hope that there IS someone special out there that is who I am meant to be with. I look forward to the day they come into my life.

I once, briefly, entertained a way of thinking about relationships which resonates with this notion, but I no longer do. I don't think there has ever been or ever will be anyone "I'm meant to be with". When I read this, I thought, "Meant by what, or whom?". :confused:

But I'm not a theist of any sort whatever. Yet the world is no less "mystical" and magical a place, or less wonderous or good, without a God or God-like something orchastrating my fate.

There are people who come into our lives, sometimes, if we're so fortunate, that it feels as if it were meant to be. And I suppose there's a sort of way that this may be true, but it's more like how the rain is "meant" to water the flowers and the clouds are "meant" to provide the rain.... It's a natural fit.
 
There are people who come into our lives, sometimes, if we're so fortunate, that it feels as if it were meant to be. And I suppose there's a sort of way that this may be true, but it's more like how the rain is "meant" to water the flowers and the clouds are "meant" to provide the rain.... It's a natural fit.

I really like how you put this. I believe that some people are "meant" to be together in the sense that they just fit. Not necessarily opposites but like two puzzle pieces with irregular edges. My husband and I are like that. We complement each other almost perfectly. I saw almost because I don't believe perfection is possible. But being a type of Atheist myself, I don't think that someone or something "meant" us to be together.

I also don't believe that we must limit ourselves to one "meant to be" person. They could be lovers or friends or even that person who you constantly have contact with but cannot get along with. My husband and I were "meant" to be lovers and spouses. My other friend and I are "meant" to at the very least be friends. And I hope, someday, to possibly find the man who was "meant" to be the other half of our V.
 
Wow, I think I'm really going to like it on this forum, with threads like this to poke my grey matter.

I guess I'll take this a step at a time.

I guess I do have a structure in mind. The idea of a V most appeals to me. My girl has a man she's mad about him. They share something that I find myself yearning for. I mean, I'm friends with the guy, but this is a very obvious V situation. Him-Her-Me. Clear as day. And since this works so perfectly for us, the next step is to continue the chain, and for me to link with someone else. Is that petty? It seems so on paper. I know one thing for sure; life waits for you to make plans, so it can break them! So I'm just going to try to remain open to everything. And everyone.

As for having many secondaries, and no primary, I always thought that was something to avoid. Now that I really think about it, if that is what I want, and isn't less than what I need, then why not? I'm such a 'needy' guy, I am ashamed to admit, maybe I need a primary to fulfill that. Someone to have around, all the time. I hate being alone.

When it comes to polyfidelity, I'm well decided on that. I am a firm believer of openness, and in trying to find peace with how the world flows. If I manage to get a nice chain of Him-Her-Me-???, and then someone shows up and 'disrupts' that pattern, then I won't fight it. Not if it works, for all involved. In my opinion, that is what poly is to me; being open to everyone, for love and sex, as long as it works for all involved.

Ahh, the brutal question, how bold. "Would you be a secondary to someone." There's another one I've thought hard about. I think I'd say yes. I've never been there though, never been officially secondary. Maybe unofficially. I put that experience down as one I would like to try.

I think, my overall goal is to fill my life with love until no more can fit. And, above all, go with the flow in my relationships and discover where they can go.
 
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