Musings

I keep coming to write this and then just can't find the words. Having another go this morning.

So - my old love's confusion and problems appear to have been from a urine infection. He has had a course of antibiotics and is now much better. Infections are so awful for the elderly, I think.

I feel much more stable. I think that the past couple of years have been harder on me than I had realised. Most of the bad stuff hasn't been happening to me and so I didn't think it could be affecting me that much. But, my dad was very ill with dementia for a few years before he died early this year - it completely changed him from a happy, cheerful man into somebody frightened and often aggressive.

During some of those years I was caring for a dog who also suffered from an illness (her's was an autoimmune thing) that caused her to behave aggressively sometimes - luckily for me her aggression was always directed at my other dogs and not at me. But still, caring for her was emotionally draining and very upsetting. She eventually died of her illness.

I miss my dad every day - he and I were very close. And I miss my dog every day - she was such a sweetheart and it was horrible to see the way her illness changed her.

But still, what I'm going through now is grieving and although it's often sad, I find that it is possible to go through it. As I do, I'm feeling better. More like myself.

Much less clingy with my SO. I feel relaxed, at ease and secure in his love right now.

We did have some painful discussions a few months ago where we both felt that it might be better to do the work to go back to being friends. At the time, it felt like being partners was just too much work.

My SO was/is under lots of stress and was doing what, it seems, is a pattern for him. He was asking me to be there to support him but was offering very little love and support in return. I'm lucky - I have friends who have known him for a long time too. They tell me that this is a pattern of his. He has a tendency to just not be available to friends when they need him. In the past he has lost those close to him because of this. Or if they aren't lost, they tend to be less close to him than he wants them to be.

He and I discussed this tendency of his. We talked about the work it would be to change it. I talked about how I wasn't willing to remain in a partner type relationship with him unless it did change - but that we could be friends if he didn't feel up to putting the work in.

Since then things have been better. He is making clear, visible progress. When he slips and I point it out, he will discuss it with me and we are able to get past it. So - for the moment, things are good.

For me, I feel so much like my old self that I have no real attachment to the outcome. I would very much like for my SO and I to be together for a long long time as partners. But, if it were to turn out that wasn't to be, I'd be sad but okay.

I have lots of friends around me and I love being single so I would be fine.

Things are much better now. I'm more relaxed and I think that is helping with the work that my SO is doing.

Life feels good right now. :D
 
Or I should say that life feels good and bad.

Although nobody in my life is ill or dying right now, at work things are different. One colleague's 14 year old daughter has cancer and is undergoing chemo, another colleague is being tested to see if she is a bone marrow match for her brother who has cancer. And one of my colleagues has bone cancer and is in hospital. We are all close, having worked together for over a decade and having supported each other through several illnesses and deaths of each other's friends and loved ones.

Our closeness is wonderful and we all appreciate it. It does make work a slightly bleak place just now - so often our conversations surround illness and how to help our loved ones.

My SO also has been experiencing some stress at work and he has slipped in our agreements in the last week or so.

We have talked again and again I have offered that if being in a close, intimate relationship is just too much work for him, we can go back to being platonic friends. He doesn't with for that to happen so we have done some replanning and rediscussing the importance of sticking to agreements - to hopefully allow both of us to be comfortable in our relationship.

I am very grateful for all of my friends who have spoken to me about what goes on between my SO and I - they offer their own perspectives and ideas and help me cheer up - with love and no attachment to outcome.

It seems that I am good at choosing friends and having excellent people in my life. :D
 
I find myself this year among the ongoing death and illness, feeling like I want to keep my loved ones close. I'm making a more conscious effort to tell people when they say or do something that makes me smile, helps me deal with a problem or helps me to feel more connected in the world.

I hug my close loves as much as I can too.

And sometimes I stay at home and cry. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with sadness and worry. I try to let it come and just have it be part of me. There is such an enormity of grief in my life just now - my own and that of others that sometimes crying and staying in wrapped in sadness is all that I want to do.

IP
 
Yes, deep joy. I say "yes" to deep joy, and therefore " yes" to life.

You can cut the numbers 123456 if you like.
That was a momentary lapse of reason upon joining. Momentary lapses can happen :)
 
Will do, Bella. :)

So - I have been thinking recently about just how much people fear change and how worried we get about losing people close to us. A conversation with a friend reminded me.

My friend has recently met a new boyfriend - they've become very close and she's falling in love. It's wonderful to see and I'm really happy for her. Another friend of her's is struggling. She feels jealousy at the time the new boyfriend is taking up and has found it hard to even speak to him.

This doesn't seem to me to be unusual - I have had several friends go through the same thing when they start a new, significant relationship or when a friend of their's does.

I've felt that sort of loss and jealousy myself when my oldest, closest friend started seeing her now husband (also a close friend of mine). Our time together was suddenly much more limited and I just didn't seem to be as important to her any more. That was all 20 or so years ago and it all settled down - we are all still close and I very much feel like my friends' marriage is one of the constants in my life that helps it to feel more safe.

But of course, that doesn't always happen. I have known old friendships, mine and others, dissolve or become strained to the point of breaking because a new relationship happens.

I have seen myself and others be threatened and/or controlled when trying to start new friendships, romantic relationships or maintain existing ones.

Most recently for me was over my brother's now ex girlfriend. At the start of this year when our dad was dying, she was amazing at supporting the whole family and in particular, our mum. They spent masses of time together and did things like cooking together, watching telly together, shopping for funeral clothes together and putting together photo albums of dad. When my sis and I spoke about this to a friend of ours, she was horrified. Told us that it was completely inappropriate and said that we should have been annoyed with the girlfriend and told her to back off. We thought it seemed odd to deny our mum some comfort in a difficult time and realistically, neither of us had enough spare time or space to do those things. We were 100% supportive of mum developing a strong relationship with our brother's girlfriend.

I do wonder if it was partly because we are used to new 'children' joining our family. Our mum wanted 4 and was only able to have the 3 of us. So our childhoods were characterised by mum befriending extra children. Usually they were friends of one of ours who would end up spending lots and lots of time with us.

It is interesting and I wonder if the tendency to keep our parents to ourselves and our friends is also partly to do with the common tendency to want our loves to love only us?

IP
 
Oh goodness, I've been feeling sad the last couple of days.

I had a sweet lunch with an old friend of mine and during it we were talking about the holidays. Brought back the sadness of last year. Mum being under so much stress and worry over Dad.

And Dad developing pneumonia - on Christmas day we visited him and spent an hour trying to waken him up enough that he could even see us. He never woke and was in hospital a few days later.

He never became fully conscious again. He was off his dementia meds, the pneumonia was never brought under control and in the end, the hospital stopped hydrating him. We watched him dehydrate to death over the course of a couple of weeks.

Things are much better this year but still - I miss Dad and wish he were able to be with us, dementia free and as happy as he always was.

He would have so loved this Christmas. My sis's parents in-law are 2 of Dad's oldest friends and sis and her SO have decided to invite the entire family for lunch.

So feeling a bit down - spending the evening knitting and then am going for a hot bath and a read.

So much sadness in love. And so much happiness - we're lucky to all get along, to be able to spend time together. I'm lucky. I will wake up in the morning in the arms of my SO. He does not celebrate Christmas and doesn't wish to join our gathering so he will stay at mine with my old, dear love and read.

When I come home, I will be able to spend time with him and with both my loves.

So sad and yet feeling very lucky all at once.

IP
 
Sometimes life is just brutal. Not long after I wrote yesterday, my old love became ill. His condition was serious but treatable if one quickly enough. Sadly, the emergency medics chose not to treat him quickly and by the time they did, it was too late for him and he died.

Like my Dad, he died in a strange place with nobody he loved holding him. The good thing is that he didn't suffer. He was fine and then he was knocked out and then he died.

My SO came up last night to be with me, my sis is on her way to see me and my friends have all offered support.

I am lucky to have all of them and was lucky to get to share 11 years with such a love. He changed the course of my life forever and he touched the lives and hearts of many in the UK.

This is the third year in a row that I've lost a loved one and I hurt. Sometimes life is just brutal.

IP
 
This is so sad. I'm so sorry.
 
aww, I'm so sorry. I'm so glad your others are coming to hold you up. big virtual hugs for you and yours. Holding you in the light...
 
Thank you all.

I am just breathing, taking care of myself and writing to my loved ones to thank all of them for their thoughts, good wishes and offers of help and support.

And crying. Lots and lots of crying.

Grief seems to trigger anxiety in me and I do find it difficult to deal with that. When Dad died earlier in the year, I found some herbal remedies that helped and made sure that I went running regularly. So I shall buy more of the remedies and will keep up my running.

Helps also that I have lots of friends around who are close enough to talk to about emotional stuff and that my work is a supportive environment for that sort of thing too. My work colleagues and I have supported each other through many deaths and illnesses among our families over the years.

And I am just accepting that I won't be okay for a good long time. I'll be able to function and do the things that I need to do but I just won't be okay. So I need to give myself a break and concentrate on the important things. Spending time with people I love, getting to work, taking exercise and eating well. Everything else can wait.

IP
 
Grief is so tough to get through.

I'm anxious about every part of my life just now. Scared about losing more loved ones and short tempered because I'm so worried and tired from the not sleeping.

My SO is being wonderful. He has been with me lots since it happened and is providing loads of support and love.

Friends and family too are being wonderful. I feel supported and loved. And able to give support and love - I'm not the only one having a rubbish time just now by far. I'm pleased to be able to give support as well as receive it.

IP
 
Sleep is proving somewhat difficult for me just now. I miss my old love and the house contains constant reminders of him.

So today I sat for a while in a pub and wrote about him and the life we had together. I reminded myself of the good times and I smiled. People in the pub came and talked to me and I was glad of the connection. I took my young love, C, with me and his presence encouraged people to come and engage with both of us.

I was at work this week for 2 days and was amazed at how lovely people were. We talked lots about my loss and about the problems that my work colleagues face just now. The colleague I sit next to hugged me when he saw me - an unusual event. We are not a profession who hug each other much and my colleague is a somewhat difficult man - we think he may be a little autistic. But he cares about me and he made sure that he showed that which was beautifully warming.

C, my SO, my family and friends continue to be sources of love, help and support to me. I hope I am continuing to be for them.

My feelings of being connected to and surrounded by love have only grown since the death of my old love.

What a gift he was in my life. :)

IP
 
Have been thinking lots about how to structure life in a way as to make it safer from being abandoned, hurt and traumatised.

I don't think that you can. We are all told repeatedly that the way to be safe is to get married and have children - that way we have our spouse to care for us when we are young and our children to care for us when we get old.

Realistically, that is a gamble. It might work - works brilliantly for some of us. They marry somebody they love, stay with the for decades, have children who stick around and care for them and die happily surrounded by loved ones. But those people leave behind a spouse - who won't have that luck. They leave behind their children who are abandoned - the abandonment might not have been intentional but it happens nevertheless.

Repeatedly throughout our lives we suffer loss and abandonment. Friends move away or drift apart from us, our lovers too often do the same. Our dogs and cats have short lives and leave us too quickly. Sometimes the right thing to do is to encourage our lovers to find another love - even if it leaves us alone, to help our friends move across the world and to end the lives or our non-human companions.

Maybe the trick to being secure is to learn how to love - deeply and with all our hearts while knowing that any of those relationships may have a time limit on them. To keep connections as strong as we can while allowing our loves to develop their own lives.

To hope that when our own end comes, it happens with somebody kind nearby.

I wonder if the trick to a happy life is to go on in it. To keep on loving and laughing even though everything that makes us happy now may be lost and even though we may help the loss of it along?

I miss my old love so much. My home is almost unbearable without him. I can hardly bear to leave C and have been taking him everywhere with me. The poor soul is exhausted with all the travelling around we've been doing lately.

Right now I am doing nothing other than keeping my home running - barely, going to work, caring for C and keeping up my connections with my friends and with my SO. These are all that I can do right now.

IP
 
Maybe the trick to being secure is to learn how to love - deeply and with all our hearts while knowing that any of those relationships may have a time limit on them. To keep connections as strong as we can while allowing our loves to develop their own lives.

To hope that when our own end comes, it happens with somebody kind nearby.

I wonder if the trick to a happy life is to go on in it. To keep on loving and laughing even though everything that makes us happy now may be lost and even though we may help the loss of it along?

Oh, IP, big virtual hugs to you {{{{{IP}}}}} Thank you for sharing your journey with us here.

The bit I quoted above, I agree with. I like it for a plan for a happy life. Sometimes, I think about Mother Teresa, she didn't have a grand plan for helping a zillion people and being famous. She just helped the one in front of her. You do the next thing, and then next thing, and then the next thing. (well, I heard it was from her, I tried to research the quote and seems it comes from somewhere else, but you get the idea)
 
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