What is polyamorous love?

Endicott

New member
Is it different from the love found in a monogamous relationship?

We recently attended a poly conference, and I found it interesting that Love was a word readily bantered about, much like what is done in vanilla society.

-I love pizza
- I love ya, man!
- I love you Mommy

But when I asked about romantic love, the conversation went sideways. Clearly we all understood eros , but romantic love was a challenge. And the poly world is not alone. I really don’t think there is a good definition. Like pornography; you know when you see it, but its tough to define, as it is so subjective.

Does polyamorous love for your partners differ between partners, or is it all the same? One person explained to me that he felt physical and emotional love for his parter that he is sexually monogamous with. And he felt emotional love for the rest of his family. He even would give a kidney for them (and I do believe this). Others nodded in agreement, indicating they understood, but frankly, I’m not so sure.

Maybe its cynical me, but I am really confused about what the difference is between love in a polyamorous context and a monogamous context.

No answers, just a huge number of questions.
 
I don't see that there is a difference. There may be in the way society has made mono love out to be; the happens once in a lifetime, if you are in love you don't need to/can't be in love with anyone else, that when in love your mind ignores outside possibilities. The only difference is that poly people feel that they can share that love with more than one person at a time.

I agree that the word is thrown around like a bad penny, but since there are so many different kinds and degrees of love that all of them are valid in one way or another.

The problem with the more particular question of "What is polyamorous love?" is that without being able to truly define "love" it is hard to come to any conclusion as to what poly love or mono love is. As you said, you know it when you see it.
 
Love is hard to define. Here's one reason.

We all know what gravity is: it makes bricks fall on our feet when we drop them. It works the same for everybody -- it is an objective reality.

Love does not cause bricks to fall on our feet, and we can't weigh it. It is completely inside the mind -- it is a subjective reality.

Therefore, you define love inside your own mind and only in your own mind. I define it in my own mind. Your love is not my love.

So asking whether poly love is different from mono love is almost crazy! We don't even know if George's mono love is the same as Fred's mono love, or for that matter from the love of one turtle for another turtle.

It's like asking whether someone who thinks Beethoven's music is beautiful has the same feelings as someone who likes Beethoven and also Brahms. First you have to figure out the subjective concept of beauty, and it's just not the same for different people.

For myself, I love my poly girlfriend as much as I have ever loved any woman. If and when I find another lover I expect I will love them both in much the same way as I have loved anyone.
 
No answers, just a huge number of questions.

Hahaha....the problem (not having consistent agreed upon answers) is not about whether poly love is different from mono love.....the problem is (in my opinion) that Love itself can not be defined in any type of agreed upon way.

What does it mean when someone says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" What does being "in love" mean???

I have no answers to these questions.

However- I do consider that I am in love with 4 guys. That said- I am not living with any of them and don't plan on it. I've never been married and don't plan on that either. But I do expect these to be long term relationships......except maybe one of them because he will probably move away and we'll lose touch.

I deeply love a female friend that I have known for about 15 years. She is very important to me. I would not say I am "in love" with her since our relationship isn't romantic or sexual.

Sometimes....being "in love" means the initial infatuation you feel for a person. Once the infatuation phase dies out (usually around 6 to 8 months) you get to see if there is any actual love there or not.

Just my two cents. I'd like to hear what others have to say about love and being "in love"
 
I agree with everyone else that minus any real objective, agreed upon definition of the term Love, it's tricky even getting into these types of discussions.

For me - my personal definition of love seems to have always been a recognition that my concern for someone else's happiness and well being equal or surpass my own.

Because this understanding has a tendency to define what action will take place in a given circumstance. When this level of caring exists (love?) it seems to always carry with it a certain amount of self sacrifice.

Idealist - you raised the question around the common term "in love" which we hear so often, which is intriguing. My gut tells me that if we could interview enough people we would discover that what's truly being referred to is that infatuation (NRE) phase we go through when we newly connect with other people. The time in this phase seems to vary but generally it does pass. I've heard so many people make statements like "I 'love' my partner but I'm not 'in love' with them" where the perceived intention (or feeling) is that there's something now 'missing'. And off they propose to go in search of the Missing Chord. Like some "high" - some addiction. And all too often it seems that this search (and maybe even find) leads to much of the same crash and undesirable consequences as any addiction.

Interesting topic..............

GS
 
Some great comments

I appreciate the comments; some great food for thought.,

But how about different members of your extended poly relationships. Aside from the sexual side, is there a difference in your love with your various partners.

With the audience I was with this weekend past, while they said no, behavior suggested otherwise. My cynical side also said, given they were in audience, there was some group think going on, but again, I am new to this and am naive to the model.

From my perspective, my love would vary, as it is conditional upon the parties involved.

Again, no judgement or answers, just questions .

Thx all, once again
 
Last edited:
.........

From my perspective, my love would vary, as it is conditional upon the parties involved.

Yea Endicott,

And I think this 'variation' you speak of is not really well and clearly understood. I'm going to assume (and hope) that when you say this, it's not that you are holding some measuring stick in one hand.
I feel love 'varies' because the people who are engaged in it are unique. And at least for myself, I don't see that variation so much as some 'level' as much as how the best expression of it may play out/be required.

It's like chocolate. It's all good and it's all different. But it's still chocolate. Some we eat, some we drink. Some we gobble down, some we take slowly and savor. Some we can only handle in small doses because of it's richness. But life wouldn't be the same without it.

GS
 
Does polyamorous love for your partners differ between partners, or is it all the same? One person explained to me that he felt physical and emotional love for his parter that he is sexually monogamous with. And he felt emotional love for the rest of his family. He even would give a kidney for them (and I do believe this). Others nodded in agreement, indicating they understood, but frankly, I’m not so sure.

I think it can be different, time with a partner, attraction etc can all influence the degree and type of love. How to definite it?...good luck with that haha :D
 
Yea Endicott,

And I think this 'variation' you speak of is not really well and clearly understood. I'm going to assume (and hope) that when you say this, it's not that you are holding some measuring stick in one hand.
GS

Grounded Spirit...no measuring stick, just an honest question to understand how others feel. I grok that love is subjective since we are not telepathic and have to rely on language to exchange thoughts.

I am driven by curiosity - its who I am - and am always curious as to how others view the world, or in this case, love in a poly world.

Thx for the comments.
 
What does it mean when someone says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" What does being "in love" mean???

In my experience I have only ever been "in love" once. I felt sooo much love toward this person that it felt like I was swimming in it. Maybe because I was 16 and overrun with puberty and emotions, but thats how I felt at that time.

Having said that, I do love a number of people. I love my family cuz they are my family. I love a couple of my friends because of the caring help and support that we give each other. and I love my gf. All of these people I love in a different way and for different reasons.

"There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand different versions." -Francois de La Rochefoucould;)
 
For me loving someone is not different.
How I act upon it is.

I love my children-some are bio, some step, some God-children, some adopted. Doesn't matter, I'd give my life for them and I have given up all sorts of things in my life for each of them.

My husband and BF I love both deeply and would do anything for either of them EXCEPT harm another person whom I love.

There really isn't a difference in the emotion and there isn't a difference in the commitment either. In fact the same is true with my brother and my sister as well.

What IS different is that each of them has different needs and therefore how I express my love to each of them is different.
Some people would say that I must be more in love with Maca-because I married him. But the fact that I haven't also married GG is circumstantial-I haven't that OPTION. If I did, I would.
Some people would say I must love GG more, because I had an affair with him. But the reason for it being an affair and not a poly relationship was circumstantial (too much written already on this-not going to elaborate in this post as it can be searched through my profile if someone wants details).

The truth is that SOME people do "categorize" their lovers and give one more importance than others. In my life I really don't do that with my lovers, friends, family, children. Sometimes to the great annoyance of some people who WANT to be categorized as more important.

The only category I do that with every time is that my kids come first-period.
No one comes before them.
 
Everyone....that was a great series of notes. I very much appreciate your comments and candour.

You have answer some of my questions.

I am quite happy!
 
Love, in my experience

My reference point for love is actually a bit unusual, but it's among the truest things I've ever read. It's a speech titled "We Love the Things We Love for What They Are", by Pat Carini, one of the most inspiring educators alive today. (The title comes from a line in the poem "Hyla Brook" by Robert Frost.) It's available in a book titled Starting Strong, and I recommend it highly.

In her speech, Carini speaks about little acts of creation, building and shaping and relating, that make and remake the world. She explains that those forces are in direct opposition to destruction, death, and hatred. We make and remake our lives everyday.

I make and remake love by acts of will. I choose to attach, to bond, to offer others the same opportunities with me.

The love I have with each person in my life is different, because we've attached differently. One love can be summed up by winding up talking in bed, holding hands instead of having sex. Another makes the most sense in the shower. A third is a hysterical phone conversation, or making out in the trunk of a car. :cool::rolleyes: A fourth means saying, "I love you, you know, and I don't expect a response," and a fifth is "I love you," without much other evidence (these days).

Then there's family loves, and firmly platonic loves, and... you get the idea.

Every bond is different, so every love winds up being different too. I suspect at least some monos feel the same way, but I don't even know if any other polys do.

BTW- whoever said "grok" on here: you're my rock star. :)
 
I think my love has a foundation that is the same. I love my first girl friend and always will, I love my friend C and always will, I love Mono and always will, I love Nerdist and always will, I love my ex-wife and always will.... that foundation is the same. For me anything built on that is unique to the person and my relationship to them.

I was saying to Nerdist tonight that I don't let people in that often any more. I have been hurt far too often. Once someone is in, they are in.... I mean, forever. That foundation is set and I will not be able to give it up, no matter what happens... what we are together is the next level up of love and the unique part.

I find myself investing in Derby this way recently... it's being investigated right now, and I haven't found myself sitting comfortably in that foundation with her yet. We shall see.

When it comes to my child? It goes beyond the foundation I speak of. He is love itself to me. It's hard to explain. Others are independent of me somehow. He is me when it comes to love. His existence is the love I have for myself.
 
Hahaha....the problem (not having consistent agreed upon answers) is not about whether poly love is different from mono love.....the problem is (in my opinion) that Love itself can not be defined in any type of agreed upon way.

What does it mean when someone says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" What does being "in love" mean???

Love is a difficult word. How can we use the same word to describe our feeling for pizza and our feeling for ... our lovers or our children?

For ME, "in love" means the romantic feeling I have for husband, girlfriend and boyfriend. Though DH and I have been together 18 years, I would say we are definitely still in love. It burns differently than it did 18 years ago, but no less brightly.

It is the feeling I have when I see that it is GF on my caller id or BF on IM. Or how I feel when I know I am going to see them.

Love is for children, sisters, mother, father.

Sometimes....being "in love" means the initial infatuation you feel for a person. Once the infatuation phase dies out (usually around 6 to 8 months) you get to see if there is any actual love there or not.
I guess my version of the terminology differs from yours. In love is a state of romantic love, regardless of the duration and is no less real than any other.


Just my two cents. I'd like to hear what others have to say about love and being "in love"
I think the I love you but am not in love with you thing relates to genuinely caring for someone for whom there is no romantic love. Just my opinion.
 
I think my love has a foundation that is the same. I love my first girl friend and always will, I love my friend C and always will, I love Mono and always will, I love Nerdist and always will, I love my ex-wife and always will.... that foundation is the same. For me anything built on that is unique to the person and my relationship to them.

I was saying to Nerdist tonight that I don't let people in that often any more. I have been hurt far too often. Once someone is in, they are in.... I mean, forever. That foundation is set and I will not be able to give it up, no matter what happens... what we are together is the next level up of love and the unique part.

I find myself investing in Derby this way recently... it's being investigated right now, and I haven't found myself sitting comfortably in that foundation with her yet. We shall see.

When it comes to my child? It goes beyond the foundation I speak of. He is love itself to me. It's hard to explain. Others are independent of me somehow. He is me when it comes to love. His existence is the love I have for myself.
YES YES YES.

I find it so hard sometimes to explain to people-love doesn't "come and go" for me. If I love someone-I'll ALWAYS love them. How I express it may change, the dynamic of our relationship may change, but the loving of them does not stop-ever!!
 
For me loving someone is not different.
How I act upon it is.

I love my children-some are bio, some step, some God-children, some adopted. Doesn't matter, I'd give my life for them and I have given up all sorts of things in my life for each of them.

Children love is SO different. There HAS to be some kind of natural selection going on here. I have never known anyone (except my recent partners. Still baffled by that.) who accept me and loved me as my husband has and does. I love him completely. I would rip him apart with my hands and teeth if he harmed a hair on our children's heads.

I think there ought to be a different word for a parent's feelings for their children. (And I don't think that parents feel any less attachment to adopted or god or any other distinction. I know my parents didn't have ANY difference between their bio and adopted.)
 
Children love is SO different.


Not for me.
I love my children with very much the same way I love Maca, GG, my sister, my brother...
The difference is only in how I express that love.

There is a lack of sexuality with some of those people-but sex for me CAN include love-but doesn't NECESSARILY and love CAN include sex-but doesn't NECESSARILY. That is true in ALL of those relationships-sex is just not intricately woven with love in ANY of my relationships.

So as I was saying-while I know for some people there is a differentiation-for me there is not.
Love to me is love and it doesn't matter who it's for-because to me loving someone fits a very specific set of criteria-either you do them, or you do not.

(I DO understand this is NOT the "norm"-just felt it was good to speak up-because there are people in the world who don't fit the norm and that's ok.)
 
BTW- whoever said "grok" on here: you're my rock star. :)

Saudade
That would be me. I am a fan of Heinlein, though I prefer Glory Road, The Moon is a Harsh Mistress and Methuselah's Children over Stranger in a Strange Land. Great work, but like Lord of the Rings, went on waay to long.

Don't get me started on Starship Troopers. The movie destroyed the book

Off topic, but its always a treat to find another fan.

Thx
 
Thx folks for the great comments. It was very illuminating.

I had an instructor as a student who would always end the class with "what did you learn" question. Not a bad habit.

What did I learn?
  • There are no consistent definition of love, as it is a subjective, internal emotion that has no objective metric.
  • It's very situational and depends upon each person, as everyone has a different way of describing it.
  • It is felt differently, expressed differently and received differently from party to party
  • There is "in love" as a state of being that can erode and "love" as an emotion that lasts longer ; the two should not be confused
  • Poly people are really well read. The number of people who quoted other sources was pretty impressive
 
Back
Top