The inevitable thirdness of being the third

Well, as I suspected, she would like to return to being monogamous with her husband. She doesn't want anyone else involved. In her words, she wants it to be "just her and him, before this whole misguided adventure began".

I guess we'll have to see how that all plays out...whether a friendship can be maintained or not. Either way, it was handled in a way that was pretty inconsiderate of my feelings and I've been burned. And it's also clear that while her feelings may have changed about things, it seems his feelings haven't. That's something they're going to have to settle and I've said what I can say about my side of it. Again, we'll have to see. I've been very clear about my feelings throughout this while they haven't been.

For couples who wonder why unicorns are so rare, it is because this is the sort of thing that happens the majority of the time. I've known too many people who have been burned this way. People aren't going to be quick to jump into situations where they are still disposable no matter how sincere and earnest the couple may seem.
 
For couples who wonder why unicorns are so rare, it is because this is the sort of thing that happens the majority of the time. I've known too many people who have been burned this way. People aren't going to be quick to jump into situations where they are still disposable no matter how sincere and earnest the couple may seem.


I couldn't agree more... :(
 
I'm so sorry Ceoli :(

I'm sorry they were so inconsiderate of you when you were so open and honest with them.

*HUGS*
 
Im really sorry to hear this too Ceoli. :( Im sorry that your honesty and openess was not recipricated. :(

*hugs*
 
People aren't going to be quick to jump into situations where they are still disposable no matter how sincere and earnest the couple may seem.

We all take risks when we involve ourselves with others -- whether as a "third" entering an existing couple relationship or as a single person getting involved with another, etc.... Some "unicorn hunters," so called, may begin with the idea of disposibility. Others won't. Each situation has its own unique people involved.

I'm sorry for your loss and for your hurt, Ceoli.
 
Some "unicorn hunters," so called, may begin with the idea of disposibility. Others won't. Each situation has its own unique people involved.


That may be so, but the experiences of myself and many other "unicorns" suggest that this happens pretty often. Even with many unique people and situations, it seems that certain outcomes happen a lot more often than others. You'll pardon me if I approach the next situation with more caution than the last.
 
Ceoli,

Bring as much caution as needed, and remember that the risk of heart-wounds is for everyone involved -- unless you're dealing with world class creeps. (Don't even get me started about THOSE people!)

This couple that you were involved with were about to lose your close companionship before very long, as I remember -- as you're preparing to move back to England. This may be unrelated to what transpired -- but I would remind you that if they were able to remain utterly loving and open with you up to that ending ..., well, that would make them pretty remarkable human specimens. So it looks to me like it was gonna have some hurting and ending either way. And I say this with as much tenderness as I can bring to it, as well as the humility which comes with the fact that I simply don't have more than a faint hint of the complexities of your situation.

Hugs!
 
This couple that you were involved with were about to lose your close companionship before very long, as I remember -- as you're preparing to move back to England. This may be unrelated to what transpired -- but I would remind you that if they were able to remain utterly loving and open with you up to that ending ..., well, that would make them pretty remarkable human specimens.

First, the fact that I was here temporarily was something that was known as we began the relationship and had nothing to do with what transpired. And I am not dehumanizing them in this situation either. They are absolutely wonderful people, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten involved with them in the first place. That doesn't change the fact that how they treated me as things were changing for them was not right.

And yes, I do appreciate that I'm not the only one in pain from the situation. However, I am the only one who ends up alone from the situation.
 
Bless your precious heart. :( I wish I had something to say to give you a little comfort or help :( . . . and I wish I could reach through the 'net and give you a real hug . . . but all I've got is
*hugs*
*lots and lots of hugs*
 
Reading this is killing me. By the end of page two, I had to call Anne and tell her how much she means to me and to us, and come up with all kinds of unecessaary assurances that we want her with us forever and we don't want her to feel "third" and so on...

And then I get off the phone and get to page 3 and the outcome that I'd not read yet.

And I am so angry for you Ceoli, so hurt on your behalf. One of my biggest ssues in life has been the feelilng of acute pain that I carry with me for the women who've been hurt in my past relationhips long after they themselves have moved on. I look back and they're like these beautiful intricate glass sculptures that I mishandle and broke - and I feel that way even when the brekups were not my fault, because I inherently take responsibility anyway (working on that). In that vein this thread just breaks my heart and I've never even met you. I also feel for the couple - they've got some VERY ough times ahead as a result of this - but the injustice of it just seems sowrong for you. I never want Anne to know a hint of that feeling, and I sincerely wish there was a way I could take it away from you. :(
 
This is a sad story indeed - it really gave me a glimpse into the way that a third person can feel when things go wrong. Being the female member of the established couple, this entire thread has got me thinking pretty seriously about some of my feelings toward Anne and about the relationship as a whole.

I can't imagine hurting Anne the way you've been hurt, different factors involved or not. I'm so sorry you went through this, and thank you SO MUCH for sharing your experiences. A definite eye-opener.
 
Thanks Violet...that's why I posted it. I think it's easy for people in couples to forget what it's like to not be in a couple.
 
Thanks for sharing this ceoli. I wish more people would share their hard earned experiences so that others might benefit. Its so important to support and share with one another. Otherwise what is the point of this forum? What is the point of keeping at this crazy lifestyle?

Thank goodness you didn't move in with them! As so often happens!

Lots of hugs and love your way. :)
 
Ceoli, I'm sorry for your hurt. I was pulling for you. You are right that you were treated poorly. I can't imagine doing that to K. She deserves too much, even more than I can give her... but your story definitely makes me appreciate that she has far more to lose than we do - though we have a lot to lose, also. No matter how much I love my husband or how much he loves me, we also love her. The third person is almost always likely to be the most vulnerable... but he or she is not without the power to hurt.
 
I find it a peculiar thing to say "the" third person. Because, when there are three people, every one of them is a "third person" from a certain perspective.

Bah. I just don't think the vast majority of people have what it takes to sustain the "triad" relationship-style for very long, regardless of whether we are conditioned by society toward "monogamism" or not. Not to say it isn't possible; it just isn't probable.

And I am quite comfortable in my pessimism, thank you's very much.
 
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